This just popped into my brain. It was supposed to be a ficlet but ran a little long. I blame the pussy stammering Hydra agents. It might be a bit AU but hopefully not too much. This is set just after Cable and Deadpool. Please review, I'm not precious about my writing and I want to know how I can improve, even if I won't like what you have to say. Hope you enjoy.
I don't own Deadpool, he's an agent of chaos.
The Replacement
The pain hit the HYDRA agent before he even opened his eyes. He was aware he was tied to a chair. Maybe if he kept his eyes closed it wouldn't be real. He kept his eyes tight shut, but that didn't prevent him from hearing the singing. It wasn't pleasant singing, the voice sounded broken and afraid.
"Tell…..m me h..h..how you want it to be….. OH GOD LET ME LIVE!"
"Show some spirit, keep singing!" This second voice sounded relaxed, conversational and happy. The agent recognised it. Oh God, it was the monster.
"I need to know n..now, uh because …" The broken singing continued. The HYDRA agents eyes remained closed. He wished he could shut his ears.
"That's it Bob, take it home now!" The monster said.
"Hit me baby one more….I CAN'T! YOU FUCKING MONSTER I CAN'T!" The singer was obviously crying.
"Yes you can Bob, we used to karaoke all the time at agent X!"
"I'm not Bob you fucking psycho!"
"Then I guess you get to resume your position as disposable minion."
BANG.
The gunshot jolted HYDRA agent to open his eyes. He was in a room filled with the corpses of his fellow henchmen. They were also tied to chairs, all facing a stage positioned at the end of the room. At least the ones that still had their heads and faces were. On the stage was what the HYDRA agent assumed was the late singer. The singer was still in his HYDRA uniform, his face was just one big meaty mess now. No open coffin for this guy. The agent noticed the singers hair had been pulled through either side of his cowl and tied in pink fluffy hair scrunches, giving the guy pig tails. That's what comes with not adhering to HYDRA regulation haircuts. The Back ground of the stage sported a huge glittery sign with some faulty fairy lights wrapped round it saying "Bob Factor!"
"Hey! Sleepy head!" The monster was speaking to him. It was the second time he'd met the monster, the failed science experiment that was Deadpool. The first time was kind of fuzzy and ended with the agent feeling a sharp pain in the back of his head and waking up in this chair. This second encounter was proving to be much closer. Deadpool was sat in his lap now with a knife pushed against the agent's throat.
"Now then Bob,"
"My names not..."
"SHHHH! I have the knife. I get to talk. Now, you want, more than anything in the word, to be Bob. Because if I found that HYDRA had taken my Bob for some reason, that would leave me without someone to do karaoke with, fight venom infected dinosaurs and tell me how great my plans are. HYDRA would need to replace my Bob and I know you guys do anything HYDRA tells you to on pain of death."
Now the agent knew why he was here. Two weeks ago HYDRA had located rouge agent Bob and brought him in. Agent Bob was supposed to share all information on Deadpool with HYDRA. HYDRA had been disappointed to discover Bob had not been adhering to his duties. HYDRA would get the information they needed from Bob, then dispose of him. Hail HYDRA!
"Now since you're the last one left, I'm going to give you a little help. See the front row? "The monster gestured to a line of twenty or so corpses. "They are the ones who forgot to call me Mr Wilson. You Bob. Me Mr Wilson. Got that?"
Before the agent could answer Deadpool was talking again. The rumours were true. The monster didn't shut up.
"Wait, what's that?"
Deadpool was looking into the middle distance, addressing thin air.
"No. I know he doesn't know where Bob is."
Silence
"We just came from there! Where'd you think we got all these dead dorks from?"
Silence. Who the hell was he talking to?
"Well I was going to make him sing and dance first, but then, yeah, I was thinking kill him."
Silence.
"Well I was going to torture him for ages anyway, but I guess we could try that…"
Silence
"OK I'll ask. Pfft! You guys!"
Deadpool applied a fraction more pressure to the confused agents' neck, a little blood poured out.
"I have been thinking! "
He announced this as if he'd just invented fire.
"If I got my Bob back, HYDRA wouldn't be obliged to give me a replacement. Now, I only want my Bob back in one piece"
He waved a finger in the agents face.
"He's no good to me if he's missing limbs and can't run errands for me. Is Bob in one piece?"
Deadpool turned in the agents lap so they were sitting crotch to crotch. The knife still at his throat. It was both awkward and frightening.
The agent looked at the room full of corpses. HYDRA wasn't that good of an employer, hell, they didn't even have full dental. But he couldn't help this thing, this walking abortion that had no place in the soon to be realised new world order. The agents' terror was fading and fanatical defiance was taking hold. He was remembering why he joined HYDRA in the first place, a clean new world.
Time was passing, better say something. Buy some time. "Mr Wilson,.."
"Well done. Have a cookie."
Even though the monsters' mask covered his mouth, the agent could see Deadpool was smiling.
"As you pointed out, we HYDRA agents do as we are told on pain of death, it's in our contracts. Signed in our own blood. Agent Bob signed the same contract. This contract stipulates that, any agent neglecting his duties to Almighty HYDRA volunteers for the Termination Programme. Agent Bob was a negligent agent. Unless extremely resilient to pain, not something he's been noted for, Agent Bob is probably dead. This massacre has been as futile as your existence. "
The agent was gratified to see the smile momentarily drop.
"You mean this contract?"
The abomination pulled some pieces of paper from God only knows where.
"Yeah, this is Bob's contract. I found it when trying to figure out where the little scamp ran off to. It doesn't say anything about….oh wait!"
The creature struggled a little, and then successfully unstuck the final two pages of the contract.
"EWWWWW! Stuck together with Bobs' bloody signature! You guys know you can get AIDS from doing this? Not to mention hepatitis."
Deadpool read the rest of the contract.
"So, it says here The Termination Facility is in sub sector 4? That's the thing with Nazis, so organised and instructive. Boy I feel like such a retard missing this! Thanks for the tip."
The monster petted the agents' head and stood up.
"Of course, I didn't much care for that 'futile existence' crack just then. That was mean."
The agent saw the katana flash in front of him.
"Hail, HYDRA! Immortal HYDRA! We shall never be destroyed! Cut off a limb and two more shall take its place!"
The agents head fell to the floor. A fountain of blood gushed from his neck. Deadpool surveyed his deceased audience.
"You know, it'd be frikking awesome if just once their head did grow back."
The End.
A.A.N I rewrote a few bits. Especially the end, because I just hated it. Still not happy so advice, comments, reviews and the rest welcomed.