"Bloody hell, James," he muttered to himself, groaning miserably as he tore his eyes away from his two best friends. Remus and Sirius were currently caught up in what could only be described as a cuddle. The mere thought of the word as it passed through his mind caused James to cringe. As happy as James was for the pair, he couldn't deny that it was unsettling. Not the fact that Sirius and Remus had discovered that they bore affections for each other that were distinctly beyond friendship, not that they had then chosen to act on these affections an entire three months before telling him. No, what James found unsettling was how envious he was; envious that they had the balls to actually confess their feelings for each other despite everything that was at stake; envious that they had the guts to do something about it.
James couldn't put a finger on the exact moment when Lily had first grabbed his attention; when she'd first sent his insides reeling and caused him to spin his head wildly whenever she passed, his gaze following her head of red hair, spun with gold in the afternoon sun. It felt like it had always been that way, ever since she'd first scolded him for his snide behaviour on the Hogwarts Express back in their first year, which happened to be the first time he'd set eyes on her. He supposed puberty - James shuddered at the word - had a hand in transforming innocent teasing into a determined will to impress and to win her approval. And it was only natural that he fancy Lily Evans above anyone else. After all, in his eyes she was the most beautiful girl in the school.
James yearned for the days when he didn't mind if his efforts were met with a kiss or a slap so long as it was attention from the girl he was so hung up on. But the moment in which he realised there was a difference, that it was preferable to pass his days without Lily in them if it meant he didn't have to face up to the fact that on some level she hated him, that was the moment that mattered. And he remembered it with utmost clarity.
It took place before the summer holidays in their sixth year.
"What did you do?!"
The voice echoed through the corridor from several steps behind him, but the tone of accusation was unmistakeable. James' footsteps slowed to a stop before he turned to face the wrath of Lily Evans. She had every reason to be angry, but on this occasion James was certain his anger with the person responsible outweighed hers considerably.
"What are you talking about, Evans?" he asked, his eyebrows knitted together in a frown.
Lily's fists tightly clenched, she fixed him with a piercing stare. Despite what he liked people to think, James had never once believed himself to be brave. That is, until now. Lily had abandoned her usual habit of being as far from James as was possible. She'd closed enough space between them that James could count the freckles that dotted her nose if he'd not been distracted by the sparks of such intense hostility that she emanated. Holding Lily's gaze even though it burned holes in his ability to defend himself, even though it was against his most base instinct when he knew it would only aggravate her further, James held his ground.
"What did you do to Severus?" she asked, having the grace to lower her voice slightly when several passing students slowed down to become onlookers of the most intrusive kind. "He said you nearly got him killed in one of your pranks. I wouldn't believe him, but it seems I'm the only one he's told!"
"He told you?" James retorted, common sense giving way to his irritation at the fact that Lily was even giving Snape the time of day after all the hurt he'd dealt her. Lily might not see it, but James certainly did; Snape fancied her almost as much as he did.
"So it's true?" Lily asked, and something flickered in her expression. Hurt perhaps, or disappointment; James would question it later when his blood wasn't boiling in his veins.
"Yeah, its true. Did he tell you anything else?"
"What else is there to tell! Don't tell me there's more?" Lily's lip quivered and the heat that rose in her cheeks did nothing to impair her beauty. She was just as beautiful as ever even though she'd taken the word of someone who had betrayed her countless times. Lily was perfect. Except she believed the best in everyone, everyone except him.
"You make me sick, Potter!"
Throwing up her arms in frustration, clearly indicating that she felt she was wasting her time, Lily stormed past him. Feet frozen to the ground, James let the full impact of her words wash over him; it wasn't the first time she'd said them, but it was the first time he'd heard it.
James knew perfectly well how he felt about Lily. This had only become more obvious in the passing of time, especially once he'd been made Head Boy just before the start of the year, their final year to be precise, working alongside Lily who was Head Girl. She was kind, the kindest witch he'd ever have the pleasure to meet. She was better than him, and after year upon year of grilling him for his behaviour she made him want to be better. And what had he done about it? Absolutely fuck all. For years he'd bullied Snivellus, not solely because he despised the slimy git and his adoration for the Dark Arts but because it was one of the few means through which he could get the attention from Lily which he so craved.
Yeah, Snape was a right bastard, as his little trip down the passageway to the Shrieking Shack had only brought further into light. But James couldn't deny that he regretted his actions. Not solely because of Lily, but Lily sure had something to do with it. She hated him. She'd spent a good six years hating him.
If only that was enough to stop him caring. He believed it wholeheartedly, yet he had never felt more compelled to confess just what he felt for the girl than he did in this moment, slumped upon his bed with a golden snitch in hand with no one but the newlyweds for company.
The snitch had been a gift from his father, something he'd given him when he was made Head Boy knowing full well that the new responsibilities wouldn't impede his love of the game in the slightest. They were pricey objects, but being the only son of elderly parents James lived a comfortable life. He had taken to carrying it around in his pocket as a token to remind him of all that he could be; if his father believed in his son, then so should he believe in himself. Besides, it was about time he gave the school snitch a rest.
Releasing the snitch, wings lightly beating as if eager to be freed from his grip, it hovered in the air just a short distance from him. However James' brown eyes drifted to his friends instead. The sight before him was utterly bizarre. As far as Sirius and Remus knew, he'd only known about them for a few months. However they weren't half as subtle as they liked to think; James was well aware that almost a year had passed since Sirius and Remus had first become a they instead of two distinct individuals. And yet they were almost timid. In truth, there was nothing odd about the way they slumped against each other on Remu' as they worked through their potions textbooks. James had seen it a thousand times. Only Sirius' eyes travelled the intricacies of Remus' expression whilst Remus tried with all his might to stick to the task at hand, a faint blush creeping up his neck.
Meanwhile, Pete had nipped down to the kitchens with promises of snacks to ease their studying session, but it had been a good hour since he'd first set out of the dormitory. James wouldn't be surprised if the boy had taken a wrong turn or simply lost himself amongst chocolate éclairs and various bonbons which the house elves never failed to provide. And so James was alone. Of course that wasn't entirely the case. He was only alone because of that which was missing.
Lily.
Evans.
Lily Evans.
"Bloodymerlinfuck, I'm getting out of here," James exclaimed, getting up from the bed and crossing the dormitory before Sirius or Remus could so much as look up from their books, let alone question what he'd meant by that or where he was going. Had James allowed just a few fleeting seconds to think this over he'd never go through with it.
Only Lily wasn't in the Common Room.
The library, he reasoned. After all, their NEWTs were only a few months away and he knew Lily well enough to recognise that she'd be cramming in as much studying as she possibly could. Clambering through the portrait hole, James tried not to think too much about where his feet were leading him, or to what. He half hoped his efforts would fail and that he'd return to the common room without so much as a glimpse of her. With each footstep, he felt doubt slowly creep in.
She hates you, James. Hates you.
Only she didn't. Not really. And how did he know this? That smile, that beautiful, radiant smile that had somehow made its way onto her lips during their last meeting as Head Boy and Girl. She may have hated him once upon a time but somehow he had managed to bring her joy. It was his greatest achievement to date and ever since he'd done it he simply had to do it again. In that instant alone, he knew that his own joy was tied so intricately to hers, as if not another day could pass without seeing that smile that he so had so irritatingly come to depend on.
James ran a hand through his hair causing it to ruffle at the back, an action which had once derived from a yearning to please but now it was all nerves. Each step pained him. And yet he could sense he was near, as if he was gravitating towards her just as he always had, each moment they shared over the past six years leading up to this. Sure enough, it wasn't long before he caught sight of her. She wasn't in the library after all, but standing on the far side of the busy courtyard, clearly in the middle of some deep and thrilling conversation. Only James couldn't see with whom she was speaking for his vision was obstructed by one of the stone columns.
The second he'd clapped eyes on her, his steps faltered until he ceased movement altogether. She caught sight of him and he leaned against one of the trees as he contemplated approaching her, wishing to appear as if this was as casual a meeting as any. Then she smiled, that lovely warm smile, before returning her eyes to whoever she was talking to and growing more animated with each word.
James loved her, Lily Evans.
He loved how her fingers curled a loose strand of hair behind her ear as if to mask that her hands were itching with excitement. He loved the timid smile that only grew as his eyes flickered over the direction in which he stood. For years he'd been absent-mindedly scribbling her name on the back of his homework, but not until now did he realise he had never loved anything more. Not even Quidditch.
James' feet began moving of their own accord; he wound a path through the students in the courtyard, nervously wetting his lips. He was a man without a plan, only a reckless desire to tell her he loved her or show her or whatever it was people in love did. With each step, he felt more and surer of himself, as if she had him by a hook and was reeling him in. Then in one quick stride the space between them collapsed, he cupped her chin in his hands, his lips moulded to hers and though she had spent years fighting the urge to smack him around the head only to be provided with the perfect excuse, she melted against him, her fingers sliding between his with such sweetness.
"Ahem…"
Lily gently peeled herself from James and bit her lip in a futile effort to temper an uncontrollable smile. James' blood ran cold and his eyes grew wide as he found himself stood between Lily and the last person he wanted to witness this raw display of affection. Professor McGonagall's expression was characteristically stern and her eyebrow was cocked in what could have been amusement, but could have just as easily been deep disapproval.
"Pr-professor," he croaked, turning his back to Lily but his fingers were still entwined with her's and she gave them a reassuring squeeze. "Didn't see you there."
"Clearly not, Potter" she said, eyeing him from behind her square spectacles before returning her gaze to Lily.
"Come see me in my office this weekend if you would like to discuss the assignment any further," she told Lily, who smiled graciously as Professor McGonagall took her leave.
"James…"
He still had his back to Lily, the shock of what he'd done in front of none other than McGoogles herself keeping him rooted tot he spot. He adjusted his glasses which had become dishevelled, most likely making him look even more comical to their Head of House.
"James," Lily repeated.
Then it registered. James… Not Potter, but James. James drew a deep breath, then turned to face Lily. She was struggling to suppress a fit of giggles which were highly infectious.
"This isn't funny," he said, but he was laughing almost as hard as Lily and before he could say another word, she'd laced her fingers through his and risen until she stood on her tip toes. The pressure of her nose on his cheek and the warmth of her breath on his lips was enough to make him want to climb to the very top of the Astronomy Tower and shout from the rooftops. Given the haziness of his mind he suspected it would be exactly that, a shout; a string of jumbled words released with utter jubilation, exhibiting absolutely no dignity. Then she kissed him, and though her words had been harshly flung throughout the past six years, she was tender and warm and plenty of other things for which words simply wouldn't suffice.