-1Chapter 1: The Phantom of the Underground Lair
A sort of narrative story of what happens to Sirius and James on a train ride, that somehow leads them to an underground lair. Like the title suggests, it is really random.
This story is written by me, KT, and a friend, KD.
Besides Harry Potter, it is combined with Phantom of the Opera and Lost.
Disclaimer: We don't own anything.
Once upon a time, there lived a boy of sixteen years old with black shaggy hair, named Sirius. He happened to be named after the dog star, Sirius. His best friend is James Potter, who wore round, funny-looking glasses.
One day, getting ready to face their sixth year at Hogwarts, they boarded the Hogwarts Express. For the first hour or so, it was very uneventful, but then…
THEY DIE!
Everyone assumed that the Phantom of the Opera has murdered him. The readers (That's You!), hopefully, are puzzled because they are wondering why there is a phantom on the train. The Phantom was not a regular Phantom of the Opera, he was a Phantom of the Train. The Trolley lady that gives food to the starving, poor little wizards and witches came to their compartment and saw no on there.
JAMES AND SIRIUS WERE NOT MURDERED…
THEY WERE KIDNAPPED,
BY THE PHANTOM OF THE TRAIN!
They were transported to the Phantom's underground lair. How they got from a train to an underground lair still ponders me, but that is another story for another time. So anyways…The Phantom is now the Phantom of the Underground Lair and not the Phantom of the Train, or he could be the Phantom of Mixed Emotions. Because they are underground now, his lair is molding AS WE SPEAK. However, the Phantom likes mold, he collects it and puts it in jars and then either sells them on eBay or gives them as gifts. There is an escalator going down to his lair, I don't know why though, that is a story for another day, maybe Wednesday. James and Sirius were held hostage by the Phantom, who was CLEARLY insane and were telling them that the grasshopper jumps jolly high.
Sirius started laughing because he remembers that one time, when he was just a wee lad, he was playing in his dusty backyard (cause no one uses it) and then a grasshopper crawled on him. It tickled him TO DEATH.
Just kidding, if it did, then he would not be here today. As Sirius was reminiscing about how he laughed so hard when the grasshopper was on him and it would not get off, Sirius, himself, was laughing out loud. The Phantom jerked his head, "Is something the matter, boy?" The Phantom asked.
Sirius tried to remain calm, "Oh…no…heh…nothing…hahaha…is the matter."
The Phantom, however, went on, "…because if you were, we could get a doctor. Is there a doctor in the house?…I mean LAIR!"
A man came rushing up, "Yes, yes, I am a doctor. My name is…"
THERE WAS A DRAMATIC PAUSE.
"…is Jack Shephard."
James could not help it, "Aren't you stranded on an island, currently?"
"No…That was my twin, who also has the same name. Our parents like the name Jack." Jack said with shifty eyes.
James replied, "Oh…sure…sure."
"GUYS, LET'S GET BACK ON SCHEDULE! I'm going to miss Lost if we get off topic!" The Phantom said. He also happened to have a apron with yellow duckies on it.
It was Jack's turn to butt in, "Lost? That show where everybody is stranded on an island and there are polar bears and Others and like everything else?"
"Damn straight." The Phantom said and turned to check his watch.
Jack cried out, "I LOVE THAT SHOW! I always wish I could be on that island. It sounds SO interesting!" The Phantom and Jack got into a lengthy conversation, and it seemed that they were not even taking any breaths.
DING DONG!
The Phantom's door rang, because you know, all underground lairs have door bells…and doors.
"Now, who could that be?" The Phantom prancing to the door. Yes, prancing. He was prancing like a little prancing pony. Slowly and suspenseful, he opens the door. And who could it be but…
SAWYER!
"Sawyer!" The Phantom exclaimed. "I was not expecting you till seven, but do come in."
Sawyer replied in a hot sexy southern accent. "Why I don't mind if I do. What is with the kids?"
Sirius replied with a question, "But what is with the hot sexy southern guy who happens to walk around everywhere shirtless?" Sirius liked being known for his incredible hotness and he feared that this guy was going to take that away from him.
Sawyer was silently thinking about how hot this kid was, and would perhaps have to kill him for his hotness. Sawyer replied to Sirius's question, "And who the hell are you, shrimp?"
"I am Sirius Black," and could not hold it back any longer, "And I am siriusly (A/N sorry I just had to do that) hotter than you!" And Sirius did a little involuntary swish of his hair. The Phantom looked on with a jaw-dropping expression.
Sawyer's eyes burned with the hatred of a thousand evils and he pulled out a shot gun and shot at Sirius. Sirius, however, turned into a dog and ran away, but at the same time, the Phantom jumped in front of the bullet to protect Sirius's hotness. The Phantom dropped to the floor. He has been shot. This was the end. Or was it? Just then, Jack rushed over and said, "Stand back! I'm a doctor!" Of course, the Phantom thought, I am saved, because Jack is a doctor. Unfortunately, right at that moment, Kate walked in in a wedding gown, and practically screamed at Sawyer, "SAWYER! HOW COULD YOU FORGET TO COME! IT WAS OUR OWN WEDDING DAY! You didn't even show up...or leave a note...or called...or ANYTHING!"
Sawyer started to come toward Kate, but then Jack jumped on top of Sawyer pinning him down and yelling, "I got him Kate, now we can get married!"
Sawyer trying to get out of Jack's clutches said, "Get off, jackass!"
Jack replied, "Never in a million years! Kate is mine!"
James, who have not said anything for a few minutes, said "JACK!" Aren't you supposed to be helping the Phantom? Who is currently dying! And you are abandoning him, so you can follow your heart! WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR ARE YOU!" And on that final note, James took out the Phantom's most precious noose, named Betsy, and put it around Jack's neck.
And then…
Jack died.
After that brief moment, Sirius turned back into a human and pulled out a random book from his bag. It was How To Heal Gunshot Wounds for Dummies, and got to work. Sirius was mumbling to himself, "Now to take out bullet, refer to figure one…where is figure one? Oh wait! There it is, now wait WHAT! I have to do that? Oh well." Then he started humming to himself. Sirius could do almost everything he tried. The only thing he could not so was tie a normal tie. He always made bow ties…weird. Sirius was singing his favorite song, The Great Escape, while pulling the bullet, cleaning, and dressing the Phantom's wound. Just like the book had said. James had passed out from watching Sirius do the surgery on the Phantom. Sawyer and Kate were making out in a corner of the room. They had found a bottle of really strong whiskey and shared it between the two of them, and they were both obviously drunk. And well…Jack was still dead.
The Phantom woke, "Am I in heaven?"
Sirius replied, "No."
"Well am I in hell?"
Sirius replied once again, "No."
"Then where the hell am I?"
Sawyer, coming up for air, yelled across the room, "YOU'RE IN YOUR LITTLE UNDERGROUND LAIR. YOU'RE NOT DEAD, DUMBASS." Then he went back to Kate.
The Phantom looked outraged. "You mean I cannot be with my dear departed Christine!" Christine, his wife, died a year ago.
James, recovering from his faint, said, "Who is Christine?"
Sirius turned to him and said, "Oh, you know, the girl in all those muggle pictures everywhere. He must be obsessed or something. She was in that muggle movie, The Phantom of the Opera. You watched it with me and Remus, remember?"
"Oh yeah, you bawled your head out, it was so funny watching you cry."
"Hey! I told you, it was allergies!"
"Sure…sure. What precisely were you allergic to, might I ask?"
"Well, you know…cough stuff in the air. Your house is filthy, don't you ever clean it?"
"Yeah well, at least my house is not filled with pureblood jack asses."
"That's true." Sirius agreed with a nod. "NOW!" Sirius said, while pounding the ground with a fist. "Back to business."
"Yes! TO BUSINESS!" Screamed the Phantom.
Kate and Sawyer jumped. The cave echoed and thus made the Phantom's loud outburst even louder, and made them take a breath and stop making out in the corner.
"Ok," said Kate, "I think I'm going to leave now." And scurried off.
"KATE!" Yelled Sawyer, as he left the cave in pursuit of Kate.
"Ok, what should we do now?" Asked Sirius.
"Well," The Phantom started, "We could play checkers, dance an interpretive dance, bake brownies, play charades, have an opera, collect some mold, have a party, kill a few innocent bystanders, you know the usual."
"Um," James looked uneasy. "What do you want to do, Sirius?"
"I want to play quidditch, you know, with my own rules, but that's just me." Sirius added with a mysterious grin and a wink. He was famous for his winks.
"Well, we only have three people, so I don't know how that is going to work."
"Damn."
"Do you think anyone is missing us at school, Sirius?"
"Hmmmm…Remus might, doubt Peter would be, and every girl at school is missing me, I can guarantee you…and maybe the teacher, but I doubt it."
"Yeah, it seems improbably that McGonagall is missing us right now. In fact, she is probably having a party."
"Yeah, with Dumbledore, Professor Binns, and Professor Slughorn."
"I hate Professor Binns."
"Doesn't everyone hate Professor Binns? He is so boring!"
"Whose Professor Binns?" The Phantom butting in.
"You know," Sirius said, "He is the ghost who teaches History of Magic. Duh! Everyone knows that."
"Well, SORRY, but I didn't." The Phantom whined.
"Well now you know!" Said James brightly.