Just something that happened to me once, what I thought while it did or wanted to do but wasn't able to, lack of courage maybe... The difference is that it wasn't with a female companion, hehehe. Anyway, hope you guys like it.
A special thanks to Debbie for helping on this one, you are amazing girl.
please read and review....
Sara snuggled down into the bed with a deep sigh waiting for her lover to come out of the bathroom. It had been a long and hard couple of weeks. The case they'd been working on had drained both of them physically and emotionally, when kids were involved it never failed to cut deep. How could people be so horrifically cruel to the one's they were supposed to love and protect? Catherine had been particularly on edge which had only been intensified when Lindsey's school had called explaining that her daughter had been taken to Desert Palm Hospital with a suspected case of meningitis. Catherine was frantic but thank God by the time they arrived at the hospital, which was no time at all with the lights flashing and sirens blaring, the doctors had ruled it out. Lindsey was still really sick though. She had a really bad headache and intense dizziness that was causing her to throw up every time she stood up. She was as weak as a newborn puppy, totally unable to eat anything and clinging to her mom at every opportunity, the complete opposite of her healthy, feisty and overly-energetic alter-ego.
A smile appeared on the brunette's face when she heard the latch click open. She raised the sheets as Catherine flipped off the light and crawled into bed snuggling immediately against Sara's naked body. They had developed the habit of sleeping naked when together; the feeling of skin-on-skin was closeness, a real sense of comfort that they each craved.
Catherine sighed with exhausted relief, resting her head on Sara's shoulder and hugging the brunette's waist. "Thank you for staying this week, and for helping me with Lindsey. I don't know what I'd have done without you."
"I'm glad I was able to help, I wanted to, but I know you would have been just fine on your own, Cat. You are the strongest woman I know." Sara whispered rubbing the blonde's back gently.
"I like to pretend I am strong but it's far from the truth, Sara. I need people all the time, I need you." she confessed, looking deeply into the brunette's eyes.
"I need you too, baby," she assured the woman in her arms, raising a finger to delicately trace the outline of her face. Catherine propped herself up just enough to be able to kiss the woman beneath her, slowly, deeply, slipping her tongue into Sara's mouth.
Catherine pulled back smiling at the brunette, resting her head back in it's place on Sara's shoulder, her finger drawing softy circles around Sara's belly. It was a feeling Sara loved, intimate and special but she could tell as the circles dipped lower that Catherine wanted more. Exhaustion was certainly taking its toll on her body so Sara stopped the blonde's hand kissing it tenderly and as Catherine looked up at her she shook her head. Laying her palm above Sara's heart, Catherine sighed and snuggled closer.
Sara was drifting on the verge of sleep when she felt Catherine's hand move lower again. On the fringes of her conscious she sighed deeply, not wanting to have to say no again. Why couldn't Catherine just sleep like she was about to? Catherine mistakenly interpreted the sigh as consent to continue and she did just that, caressing around Sara's navel and down between her legs. Sara gasped at the single touch and as if spurred on by that gasp Catherine nudged Sara's legs apart settling herself above one of them, her fingers stroking the length of Sara's pussy.
Now all too awake, Sara's mind shouted out 'No!' but her body hadn't caught up and her mouth remained shut. Maybe Catherine will find out by herself that I'm definitively not in mood for this, she thought to herself, perturbed by her inability to vocalize her thoughts. She will notice, her mind screamed.
But as Catherine pressed her fingers up between Sara's legs, the discomfort the brunette was feeling increased. Sara tried to raise her legs but one was trapped underneath the blonde's toned body and the other Catherine pressed back down forcing them wider apart.
"No, please," Sara eventually managed to move her mouth but there was no sound to her desperate words. "Please don't hurt me Daddy, stop. Let me go." Sara, now fully entrenched in her horrific memories, moved her hand desperately trying to still Catherine's actions. Images of his face, his lecherous smile, the smell of stale alcohol and sweat, the weight of him above her, the sound of his grunts of pleasure as he thrust himself inside her over and over, flooded back with full force causing her entire body to suddenly freeze.
Catherine felt Sara go rigid and realized something was terribly wrong. The brunette's eyes were wide open and she was staring at the ceiling. Looking closer in her eyes Catherine gasped. They held no emotion but simply a detached, unblinking stare as tears formed reflexively and rolled down her face. She remained motionless as though the only thing left was the empty shell of her body.
"Sara! Sara, honey," the blonde implored the unresponsive woman beneath her. "Sara, please look at me darling, you are scaring me." She moved herself from Sara's leg and grabbed her lover's face with both hands turning her to bring them face to face, but still nothing.
The fear took hold of Catherine's heart and she battled to remain calm and rationalize the situation. Hold it together Catherine, she is still alive. You just have to bring her back from wherever her mind is. You can do this.
"Come on Sara, I know you are in there, come back to me, I need you," she pleaded as she lost the battle with her own tears. "Shit, I need you Sara! I love you! Come on, please don't leave me alone. Don't you fucking dare leave me," she cursed, slapping the disconnected woman across the face lightly and then again, harder. The second slap did the trick causing Sara to gasp and sit up. "Oh thank god" the near hysterical blonde, half smiling, half sobbing reached for her lover's face.
As her fingers brushed Sara's face the brunette leapt off the bed and rushed into the corner of the room like a frightened animal with nowhere else to run. Catherine watched, shell-shocked, as her lover cowered and trembled. Ok she had hit her but only in desperation to try and pull Sara back to her after she froze. But why did her lover freeze like that? She'd only been trying to release some of the tension they'd both been feeling by making love to her beautiful girlfriend. She'd craved that most intimate of connection as a way to ground them both, to be lost in something so good and so right. But now…
Catherine got up from the bed, walking slowly toward where the brunette was hunched. Sara looked terrified of her so she slowed her steps further, swallowing around the lump in her throat and raising her hands in a gesture of surrender. "It's ok Sara, it's me, Catherine. I'm not going to hurt you." Sara stared at her with fearful wide eyes as though she was a psychopath wielding a bloody axe. Catherine squatted down inches from Sara trying to mask her alarm with what she hoped was her gentlest expression and waited. It took some time but she finally saw the fear in her girlfriend's eyes disappear and her breathing returned to somewhere near normal.
"Why am I in the corner?" Sara's voice was small and unsure.
"You went into some sort of trance while we were in bed and…" Catherine swallowed again, the lump of emotion in her throat now painful, "I tried to talk you out of it, bring you back to me but you couldn't hear me, you…" Catherine took a deep breath to try and compose herself "I slapped you. Nothing else was working. I just wanted you to come back to yourself, to me. It half woke you up but you got scared and rushed over here." Catherine gave up trying to hold back her tears. "I'm so sorry I hit you, but you really scared me. I thought you wouldn't wake up and… I… I didn't know what else to do." Catherine tentatively raised her hand to cup Sara's face and this time, much to her relief, her lover didn't flinch.
"What happened before I freaked out?"
"I was touching you," the blonde answered, feeling safer to move closer to Sara, her gaze wandering to Sara's legs before meeting her deep brown eyes again. "You know just how much I love to touch you Sara," she whispered into the brunette's ear.
"I told you to stop," Sara whispered, suddenly remembering everything with sickening clarity. Catherine had done the one thing Sara believed she would never do.
"Honey, you didn't say anything while I was touching you."
"I stopped you before that and you ignored me," Sara declared, her voice devoid of emotion. Catherine, clearly shaken, looked at Sara in confusion. "I trusted you, and in the end you used me like everyone else before you."
"I did not use you!" Catherine cried, horrified by Sara's words.
"Yes, you did" the brunette insisted, standing and walking away from the corner and from Catherine. The blonde tried to reach her arms out to stop her from walking away but Sara evaded her grasp.
"I just wanted us to feel something good, to hit a high after all we've dealt with the last two weeks. I wouldn't dream of hurting you Sara. God, I love you so much."
Sara unhooked her white robe from the back of the bathroom door and slipped into it, wrapping it tightly round herself trying as she did to stop her hurt and anger from reaching the point where there was no turning back, where she would scream and rage or, heaven forbid, even lash out physically which would probably do more damage to their relationship.
"Love has nothing to do with this, Cat!" she stated seriously, but keeping her anger in check. "The only thing is that you forced me into something you wanted without caring about me or what I wanted, so you used me, like everyone else did. And you know, I actually thought you were different." Sara walked towards the door and turned the handle.
"Sara, wait, let's talk about all this… don't go!"
"I can't talk, and I certainly can't be close to you right now." Mindful of Lindsey sleeping in the next room Sara stepped quietly onto the landing and stopping herself from to slamming the door behind her, instead closing it gently.
As she made her way downstairs, Sara felt her fist clenching tight and her eyes filling with angry tears that spilled in streams down her reddened cheeks. "How dare she?"
Calm down Sara, she wasn't trying to hurt you. She would never hurt you on purpose.
"She should have stopped when I asked her to, even if I couldn't say the words."
She was hurting. She needed to do something to feel good again and why not have sex with the woman she loves? Besides, you love to have sex with her.
"That doesn't give her the right to force me in to it. I trusted her to never hurt me like my father did." Just the mere thought of comparing her girlfriend to her dead father left Sara reeling and she spoke the words out loud before her inner voice could say it. "She is nothing like him!"
Sara was so focused on her own inner struggle that she missed the light coming from the kitchen until she had almost reached the couch. "I could swear I'd turned that off." She muttered to herself, walking to the door and slipping her hand round the frame to flip the switch.
"Hey!" Lindsey screamed.
"Oh God Lindsey, I'm so sorry" she said, turning the light back on and trying to stop her heart from jumping out of her chest. "I didn't know you were here," she explained, taking a deep breath and wiping her tears away with her sleeve as fast as she could.
"I can see that," Lindsey answered, sounding exactly like her mother and making Sara smile.
"What are you doing up kiddo? It's well after midnight." she asked, walking towards the little girl and noticing her nursing a glass of milk, though it didn't seem like she'd actually drunk any of it.
Before she could ask about the milk Lindsey replied with a cheeky smirk. "What are you doing up Sara? It's well after midnight." Sara couldn't help but smirk back. It was a source of constant surprise to her just how comfortable she was around Lindsey. Since as long as she could remember, she had always felt fearful of children. "I couldn't sleep." Lindsey finally answered.
"Are you feeling sick again?" Sara asked, stroking Lindsey's hair with concern. The little blonde shook her head. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure."
"Are you sure you're sure or is it just that you don't want me to worry, 'cause I have to tell ya honey, I already am." Lindsey laughed at that, making Sara smile again.
"I'm sure I'm sure," Lindsey giggled.
"Good." Sara planted a kiss on the top of Lindsey's head before heading to the cupboard and taking out some crackers. Placing them on the table with a plate and a knife she fetched the cream-cheese from the fridge. Sara took a seat beside the little blonde and began to spread some cream cheese carefully over one of the crackers, making sure she covered the cracker's entire surface and sticking her tongue out in mock concentration in the process. It made Lindsey giggle again. "I don't suppose you'd want one of these eh?"
Lindsey looked at her and nodded enthusiastically, a grin from ear to ear. Sara handed over the carefully prepared cracker and began to make another.
"Mmm… this is really good," Lindsey exclaimed, sounding surprised.
Sara knew anything would have tasted good compared with the bland food Lindsey had been eating while recovering. "Of course it is little munchkin, I made it." Sara replied with a wink. "This is one of my favorite snacks whatever time of day… or night." Lindsey giggled and nodded in agreement as she finished the last mouthful and Sara handed her another.
"Sara, what do you do when you have a bad dream and you can't sleep after it?"
"That depends of what kind of bad dream I had. Sometimes I think of something nice and I can get back to sleep, other times thinking is not enough so I have to get up and walk about for a bit, take a shower maybe or eat something."
"Did you have a bad dream today, Sara?"
"You could say that," Sara answered distractedly, smearing another cracker with cheese. You could definitely say that. "Is that the reason you decided to come downstairs and have some milk kiddo?"
"Yes, Mom said it used to help when I was little so I decided to give it a try."
"Didn't work very well today, huh?" Sara noted, nodding to the full glass of milk and stopping the cracker she was eating half in, half out of her mouth, her lips drawn back in a silly smile and her left eyebrow raised. Lindsey couldn't help but giggle again, Sara's face was priceless. Sara laughed along with her, eating the rest of the cracker then dabbing the crumbs from her lips with a napkin. "You want to talk about it honey?" she asked gently.
"No. It was nothing, I'm probably just being stupid," Lindsey muttered, clearly frustrated with herself for letting it upset her.
Sara touched her arm softly. "Just because you get scared of a dream it doesn't make you a stupid person. I get scared too."
"You're just saying that to make me feel better."
"Well I could do that, but I'm not. I'm telling you that because it's the truth." she assured her, making sure Lindsey was looking her in the eye as she spoke.
Lindsey looked doubtful. Sara motioned for her to sit on her lap so she could explain. Lindsey normally hated to sit on people's knees like she was a baby but with Sara she never minded because Sara always treated her like an adult anyway. She hopped up onto Sara's knee and Sara wrapped her arms around the little one's waist.
"Ok, so I'm sure you have an idea of what your mother and I see at work…"
"Yes, Mom showed me a body once, inside one of those cold drawers."
Sara's eyes opened wide in shock. "She did what?"
"Yeah, I ran away from school on my own once. I tried to hitchhike to Daddy's house and when she found out she wanted to make sure I never did it again so she showed me this girl who died."
Sara was gob-smacked, she couldn't believe that Catherine thought that was the best way to teach her daughter a lesson. No kid should ever see a dead body. She opened her mouth to say something but decided against it, she didn't want to undermine Catherine in front of Lindsey but she still didn't have to agree with Catherine's decision.
"So do you understand why she did that?"
"Yeah she wanted me to understand that the world is a bad place sometimes and she wants me to always be safe, but it was really scary."
"Yeah, it is scary, even for your Mom and me sometimes. We know you shouldn't get too attached to the victims but sometimes it's not so easy and I have bad dreams about what happened to them or about the ones I love. Sometimes I dream about things that happened a long time ago or even things that I've seen in a horror movie."
"I get scared in movies too."
"If there is someone in this room who is stupid for getting scared easily, that person is me."
"I don't think you are stupid," Lindsey asserted, shaking her head from side to side. She leant closer to Sara's ear "I think you are smarter than my mom and she is very smart, just don't tell her I said that."
Sara laughed. "Don't worry my lips are sealed," Sara promised drawing an imaginary zip across her lips. "So you want to tell me about that bad dream now?"
"You really want to hear it?"
"Yep" Sara replied emphasizing the 'p'. "Now, spill it!"
"Ok… well we were playing twister, you, mom, me and a couple of friends. We were having lots of fun but then everyone suddenly disappeared, and I was alone in the woods."
"How did you know it was the woods?"
"It was dark but I could see a few trees. I heard loud noises and start running away from it but I couldn't get away because I didn't know where I was going. I ran and ran and screamed and screamed but no one came to rescue me. I kept screaming for mom and for you and running and running but it was like I was running in circles and the noises got louder and louder and then I woke up."
"Honey, that wasn't just a bad dream, it was a proper nightmare."
"I was so scared," Lindsey whispered with a sob in her voice as she wound her arms around Sara's neck. "I don't want to go back to sleep and end up back in the woods, Sara; I don't want to be alone in the dark."
Sara caressed the little blonde's back soothingly trying to calm her down. "I know you don't want to but sweetie, it's highly unlikely that the same dream will happen again."
"Really,"
"Really, and you know what? You can always try to change it if it does."
"How do I do that?" Lindsey asked, letting Sara go and wiping her tears from her face.
"Well me… I always try to think of something that can help me. For instance, if I was having your dream it would be something like… a flashlight or a fire, anything that could make the dark goes away."
"Does it really help?"
"Most of the times it does. The important thing is that you know that what you are seeing is not really happening, that you are safe in your bedroom and you have your mom in the next room."
"I have you too." Lindsey smiled
Sara laughed. "Yes, you sure do kiddo. So do you think you are ready to try going back to sleep?"
"Yes I'll try, but if it doesn't work can I come and sleep with you?"
"Sure but just make sure you knock on the door first, ok?"
"Thank you, Sara. You rock!" Lindsey grinned hugging her tightly.
"You're welcome. Now off you go back to bed." Sara popped Lindsey back onto her feet and patted her backside in a gesture of affection.
"Goodnight Linds."
"Goodnight Sara, I love you."
"Love you too." Sara watched the girl disappear back off to bed and went to rinse the dishes with a deep sigh. "…and I love your mother even more," she breathed in a low voice.
Switching the light out, she walked into the living room and sat down on the couch, hugging her legs to her chest and watched the rain falling outside the window. Just like there was no sign in the Las Vegas sky to indicate it was going to rain today, nothing had prepared Sara for the pain she'd felt at Catherine's hand, even with something that was usually so incredible and that they'd done so many times before. Sara's tears fell down her cheeks like the raindrops down the window as her mind took her back to what had happened.
"Why Cat?" Sara whispered, "Why didn't you stop when I asked you to, when I needed you to? I trusted you. I love you!" Sara rested her head on her knees, not caring about fighting the wealth of tears.
There were no doubts in Sara's mind about how much things changed after Catherine came into her life, four years ago as just a co-worker and five months ago as a lover. Sara had never worked so hard to be a better person or ever been as happy as she had been during the last five months. That's why what happened hurt more than any other person ever had since her mother and father.
Sara stared out of the window and addressed the raindrops.
"I wish you'd listened and had seen that I was hurting but you didn't. You didn't hear me. Just like my father when I wanted him to stop… to stop…" Sara let out a giant sob, "to stop raping me." She slowly broke down, rocking against her knees, tears streaming down her face. "God, I feel so stupid for thinking like this," she cried bringing both palms to cover her face. "You would never intentionally hurt me and yet, it just… it… it felt like you did. Just like him. I should have said something but I couldn't, my mouth wouldn't make the words and then I… I kept seeing his face as you touched me and I couldn't say 'Stop… please stop!' I couldn't move. I was frozen. God I'm so sorry. I've ruined everything."
"No Sara, he ruined everything. Even now he still hurts you deeply." Sara shook her head as if she didn't believe the words she was hearing and was still hearing her own inner voice. The voice in her mind was now Catherine's. "I didn't know that by doing what I did, by wanting so much to make love to you and pushing it that I would hurt you so much. I'm so, so sorry."
"There was no way you could have known." A small shudder rocked Sara's body as the tears slowed.
"Yes, there was." The cushion dipped as Catherine sat down next to the brunette, turning sideways to face her.
"Oh My God," Sara gasped, almost jumping off the couch. Catherine…
"I know what you are thinking, but angel you have to relax, so we can talk…"
"I know… I just… when did you…?"
"I was coming downstairs to talk to you when I saw Lindsey heading upstairs. I was afraid she was sick again so I went talk to her. She said she was ok and you had helped her. I came back and hear you start talking out loud." Sara gasped again, horrified, covering her mouth with her hand. "At first I didn't know if I should say something, after all, you weren't expecting me to be here…"
"I… I…" Sara stuttered.
"…but when you started blaming yourself I had to intervene. It took you so long to notice me that I suspect you're used to holding conversations with yourself."
"Yeah," Sara mumbled, "it's a habit. It helps me to work things out, my feelings, and then be able to relax." Sara looked up at Catherine to see her face was red and puffy from crying and that tears were still running down her cheeks.
"Sara, your father… he…"
"Not now, I can't… I can't talk about it… please…"
"Of course honey, we can talk about it if and when you are ready." She paused to run her palm over her blotchy face. "You shouldn't ever question yourself, Sara. You should just feel what you feel… and you were right to feel the way you felt tonight, right to be so angry with me… I was so wrong. It was completely my fault."
"No, Catherine…"
"Yes, it was. I should have at least tried talk to you into doing it instead of forcing myself on you. You have every right to say no to me. I should have listened, paid more attention to what you wanted instead of being so damned selfish. Sara I can't express how sorry I am."
"I was tired. I knew I wouldn't be able to have a good time with being so damn exhausted and in the end I knew you would blame yourself for not giving me a good time and I just really didn't want that."
"You are probably right about that." Catherine chuckled unevenly, "I always want to be the best for you." Sara smiled, finally letting go of her legs and tucking them underneath herself.
She was beginning to feel more comfortable with her feelings and in close proximity to the blonde. "All I want Sara is for you to feel happy, wanted and loved while being with me. That's how I feel when I'm with you."
"Although I love making love with you, feeling you inside me, working in me and with me, just being close to you like this is enough for me to feel all that and more," Sara explained, reaching out to touch Catherine's face, tucking her hair behind her ears. "You are the love of my life Cat," Catherine smiled from ear to ear as more tears fell, her gaze flicking from Sara's eyes to her lips and back to her eyes. Sara laughed softly, a welcome sound. "Yes, you can kiss me, but just once because right now I just want to curl up in bed with you and hold you as we fall asleep."
"Me too…" Catherine placed a kiss full of tenderness on Sara's lips, rubbing her nose softly against the still damp skin of her cheek. "Me too,"
The end