Chapter 1: Mmmmmm, ketcup.

Cool Fact #1: I absolutely detest cheese, but not pickles. Okay, this was a stupid fact instead of the cool one that I had promised, but just let me get into the swing for a little bit, okay? Thanks.

Warning: I'm gonna rate this about PG10, okay? Okay. So… yeah. I'm not sure what's gonna be in it yet, but, mmm, yep, I'm gonna leave it at that. So sue me. O.O WAIT, DON'T!

Lawyers: Too late! Cackle cackle cackle!

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! A-hem. I do not own… Sonic the Hedgehog, Super Mario, or Broadway, or the Cookie Jar song, or Bye Bye Birdy, or Vin Deisel. (Ooh mama, I wish I owned him! .)

This entire fan fiction is dedicated to my friend Mecha Scorpion. Here's your order, with everything you wanted on it: Action, adventure, humor, Eggman killing people, mustard, and no pickles. :D Enjoy.

"Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to….. The Hedgehog Brothers!" said Sonic, standing on a black leather chair that was twirling around slowly. His head almost hit a low-hanging light, or perhaps a low-hanging light almost hit his head. "So whaddya think? We'd make a great act on Broadway, Shad'."

"But we ain't brothers," Shadow said, pigging out on hot dogs and stuffing his face. The crash to Earth had damaged him a lot, and the ultimate life form had undergone a lot of surgery… As a result, he had lost a lot of weight on the mediocre diet the underpaid hospital staff had "fed" him. ("Eaten in front of him" was more like it. Darn those nurses… especially the fat one with the zit… Rita…) He was ravenous like a wild boar that had been trapped in a fishing net for five days, and had been eating constantly for the past three weeks. Where all that food was going… Sonic wasn't sure if he wanted to know.

"Who cares?" Sonic jumped off the chair, knocking it over. Their cat, Snowball, got pegged and screamed. Neither of them paid any attention to the fluffy kitty. "We're gonna be STAHS, Bay-bee!" Sonic shrieked, throwing his hands up into the air wildly and flapping them like a bird. "Stahs! Shriek! Stahs!"

"…You're an idiot, you know that?" Shadow said seriously. "And my name's not Bay-bee. It's not even Bee-Bee, or Ce-Ce, or even Sheila. Especially not Sheila. I hate the name Sheila." The red-striped hedgehog wrinkled his nose daintily. "Such a silly name…"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I guess we just ain't cut out for Broadway super stardom," Sonic concluded sadly, but he then brightened considerably. Shadow raised an eyebrow, wanting to know what's up.

"So let's just do what we do best!" Sonic suggested enthusiastically. His spring green eyes sparkled majestically, catching Shadow's attention. The black hedgehog squealed and clapped his gloved hands in delight, until he realized he didn't have a clue what the his azure-furred friend was talking about.

"Um… and just what is that?" Shadow asked.

"Well," Sonic prompted, "what do you think?"

"Make potty jokes?" Shadow suggested hopefully, gazing at Sonic with adorable large puppy eyes. But, of course, the blue blur had a stronger constitution than that. Besides, it was easy to ignore puppy eyes when sst potty jokes?

"OK!" Sonic acceded. "Um, have you heard this one? 'There was a lonely, desolate hotel somewhere in Alabama…

Five minutes later…

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Shadow burst out in raucous laughter. "Tell another one! It's what we do best, right?"

"Um, did I say that?"

"Yeah."

"Oh. No, no, let me reword that," Sonic insisted.

"'Kay." Shadow sniffled lachrymosely.

"So let's go on an adventure!" Sonic said excitedly, as if the past five minutes hadn't even happened at all. Shadow's expression turned to a bored one. He considered this as he slowly chewed some popcorn now like a phlegmatic cow chewing on a piece of wood that it had mistaken for grass.

"We… (gulp) We would need three people," Shadow observed, chewing ever more slowly. He took another bite of his fat hot dog without finishing his extra-buttery popcorn. Ketchup dribbled down his chin and staining the baby bib his mother had mailed him. It was pink, and had the words 'The Real Slimfast Shadey' written in small, pink cursive letters across the top of it.

"Mmmmmm, ketchup," Shadow said, satisfied. Sonic paid his words no heed. He was a mustard fan himself. But ketchup? Ew, heck no. He's rather take a bath in blood. …Which we all know is now only arrangeable, but would be extremely interesting. . Bloody. Yum.

"Why three?" Sonic asked, genuinely interested.

"Because who's going to be the sidekick?" Shadow pointed out.

"Not me."

"Well not me, either." Shadow took another bite of the hot dog. "Remember? I'm gonna be a stah."

"Yeah, yeah," Sonic grumbled. "You were mainly gonna be MY sidekick, you know, my co-star-slash-homie-type-thing. I'd be the real talent in the act. I'd be The Amazing Zombo! I'd have my face rot at will!" Sonic beamed and looked proud.

Shadow gave Sonic a purposefully odd look. The blue blur shoulder's rose and fell in a shrugging motion.

"Well, that was what I had planned…" Sonic voiced faltered and trailed off. "Anyway, I'm not going to be your sidekick, that's for sure. I'm always the hero. That's why my latest video game was named 'Sonic Heroes'!"

Shadow crunched on a chili dog, considering this. Then the night black hedgehog spoke carefully, pronouncing each of his next words separately, slowly.

"Theeeeeeeeeen whooooooooooo?"

"Who took the cookies from the cookie jar? YOU took the cookies from the cookie jar!" Sonic shouted, pointing at Shadow accusingly. Shadow looked up at Sonic with shocked crimson eyes.

"Who me? Couldn't be!" he defended himself.

Sonic's glare remained. "Then who?" the cerulean hedgehog demanded. "WHO SHALL BE OUR SIDEKICK? WHO WILL WE TELL, 'Sorry, you can't come, it's too dangerous,' WHO will we blame for all of our mistakes!"

Shadow considered this. "Hmmm… Britney Spears?"

"Nope. Try again."

"Courtney Cox?"

"Have you been watching Friends again?"

"Um no… Joey Wheeler?"

"Uh, that's not a real person."

Shadow stuck his tongue out at Sonic. "Says you!" he said in a detestably whiny voice. Meanwhile, Sonic went on to make his own suggestions.

"I say we get Vin Deisel to be our sidekick. Then the girls would come to us, and we could say, 'Sorry Vin baby, but it's too dangerous for you.' Then the girls would flock to OUR sides!" Sonic's eyes coruscated gaily.

"Nah. Too bald."

"Brad Pitt?"

"Isn't he married?"

"Johnny Depp?"

"Too busy filming Peter Pan and Pirates of the Caribbean 2."

"Those are coming out!"

"In a theater near you." Shadow thought for a second. "What about someone who actually knows us…"

"You're not suggesting…"

Shadow nodded curtly. The ebony-furred 'hog gulped down another hotdog quickly before looking up at Sonic with wide eyes. Sonic stared at Shadow. Shadow stared at Sonic. Then, both hedgehogs smiled sadistically together, knowing they had their scapegoat.

A little bit later, Shadow and Sonic were dragging in four, furry goats into the apartment. A tall, skinny blonde ran in.

"'Ey!" he shouted in his Brooklyn accent. "Give me back my Scapegoats! I'll need them to defeat Marik and save Mai!"

Joey Wheeler grabbed his cards and ran out of the apartment. Shadow and Sonic stared at each other.

"So…" Sonic started…

…and Shadow finished, "…Who else?"