The Spaces In-Between
A/N - I loved Shades of Grey. When I first watched the episode, I genuinely thought Jack might have gone to the dark side.
I've had a rough draft of this tag sitting on my computer for awhile now, so I thought I'd play around with it to give me a break from some longer stories I've been writing. Hope you enjoy!
Following the inevitably lengthy debriefing, Jack had all but ordered the team to his house for pizza and beer, ostensibly to clear the air and set things right. The problem was, Sam wasn't all that sure she was ready to move past the overwhelming sense of betrayal she'd felt from the moment their leader, the man she respected and trusted above all others, the man she'd grown to...care for...had so callously ripped the anti-weapon device from the wall on the Tollan home world.
Seeing no way to avoid the mandated get together, however, she simply decided to arrive late so that she wouldn't have to face him alone. But when she walked through his front door and into his living room, she discovered to her utter dismay that the others had not yet arrived.
Ever hopeful, she peered into the gathering darkness of the back yard, despite the fact that it was literally freezing outside. "Teal'c and Daniel?" She finally asked Jack, who was popping the cap off a beer in the kitchen.
"On their way. Daniel's picking up the pizza." He held up his beverage. "You want a beer?"
"Ah, sure."
Jack opened a second bottle and joined her in the living room. "So, I guess it's been a crazy few weeks, huh?"
He handed her the beer. She took a long draw and immediately began picking at the label, refusing to meet his gaze. They stood in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes, before Sam finally spoke.
"You could have told me, sir," she said quietly, her eyes still glued to the bottle. The accusation in her tone surprised even her.
Jack stopped mid-drink. It felt for a moment as though he'd been struck. Clearly, this wasn't going to be as easy as he'd hoped. He set his beer on the coffee table and let out a long sigh before rubbing both hands over his face and shaking his head slightly. "We've been over this, Carter. We needed to make sure your reaction was genuine."
And oh had it ever been genuine, he thought. He wouldn't soon forget the look on her face as she sat across the conference room table and watched him justify his bizarre behavior to Hammond.
Her expression turned steely. "I'm your Second. You could have trusted me." It was a cheap shot, but she was still hurting and she clearly wanted to make sure he knew.
"I know that," he said softly. "But I was under orders, Carter. I had no choice."
Honestly, he'd given serious consideration to telling her anyway. In fact, it was a good thing that Daniel had been the one to confront him at his house. It had been hard enough telling him their friendship didn't mean anything. If it had been her…well, he was fairly sure he couldn't have done it.
As for Sam, a thrill of something she couldn't quite define passed through her at his words, and her resolve to stay mad wavered for a moment. That was until she remembered his announcement that he planned to retire on Edora. Though she knew now that it was nothing more than a plausible cover story for his op, she couldn't help but take that one personally.
"You were very convincing, sir. When you said you wanted to return...to..." She couldn't even bring herself to say her name. She shrugged. "I thought that might be a possibility."
Her cheeks flamed, as she suddenly remembered the unexpected level of jealously she'd felt as she stood on that planet and watched him take another woman in his arms. It was the first time she'd realized that what she'd always assumed was a harmless crush was actually something much, much more.
If he noticed her reaction, though, he didn't mention it. Instead, his gaze hardened. "You're wrong," he said firmly. "I never wanted to stay on Edora. And I have no desire to go back."
The truth was, Sam's absence from his life was the one thing he hadn't been able to accept, not after a hundred days had passed, and not even after he'd taken Laira to bed. It had felt like a betrayal at the time and was something he'd struggled to understand, since he had no reason to believe he'd ever see Earth again, much less her. That's when it'd hit him: he loved her.
When it came time to walk through the 'gate this time, he hadn't been able to look at her. He knew if he'd caught one glimpse of her face, he'd have given it all up - not just the mission, but his command, the SGC, everything, all for her. So he'd steeled himself and marched into the event horizon without so much as a backward glance, the guilt of his feigned betrayal weighing heavily on his shoulders, even as they were torn to pieces and hurtled across the galaxy.
The vehemence of Jack's response left Sam momentarily speechless. Her emotions were all over the place, as she tried to figure out exactly what he meant, both worried and hopeful that maybe she already knew. Still, she wasn't ready to let him off the hook yet.
"It's just...you left us." You left me is what she really wanted to say. But she realized her admission sounded petulant and that he saw right through the plural pronoun, so she quickly added, "With Makepeace."
Colonel Makepeace had given her the creeps from the very beginning. In addition to his annoying propensity to talk to her chest, he'd shown her no respect whatsoever. At one point during their first mission, he'd told her that he hoped they could become as "close" as she and Colonel O'Neill, before stalking off with a smirk, leaving no doubt as to his implication. She'd been furious, of course, but had ultimately kept the insult to herself, as he surely knew she would.
Jack was genuinely contrite. "Carter, I swear, I had no idea he was the mole. You have to know that I never would have deliberately put you in harm's way like that." And now he was the one using vague pronouns. "Look, it was a shitty op, but there wasn't any other way we could set it up. But all that stuff I said...it didn't mean anything."
"So, then, that the comment about not acting like yourself since you met me - that was all part of the act?" That one had hurt the most. Not only because his words were so brutal but because she had believed him.
He looked at her for a long while. "No, actually, that part was true." Her eyes held his, but her face instantly reflected the confusion and pain she so clearly felt. When he spoke again, his voice was unusually soft. "Whenever I'm around you..." He faltered for a moment before finally finding the right words. "You make me a better person, Sam."
His words hung heavily in the air between them. It was such a profound statement, she found herself completely unable to say anything in return. He was so close and he was holding her gaze and the moment was so incredibly intimate she was certain he was going to kiss her. Her heart started beating wildly because oh-my-god she wanted him to do it.
She stared into his deep brown eyes and inhaled sharply in response to what she saw there - respect, love, desire, fear. She knew then that the feelings she had for him were reciprocated. But she also knew that he'd never make the first move. It was okay, though, because she was willing to be brave enough for the both of them. She started to close the small distance between them.
That was the exact moment Daniel knocked on the front door, then poked his head inside to call out to them. She froze. Despite the intrusion, Jack still hadn't stopped staring at her and she couldn't tear her eyes away from his. It took Daniel walking inside and calling to Jack again before she was finally shaken from her reverie. She glanced away, and the intimate moment was lost.
Jack began moving toward the door to help Daniel with the pizza. Before he reached the entry, though, Sam finally found her voice.
"Sir?" she called after him. He stopped and turned to look at her. "Thank you," she said softly.
He immediately gave her a private smile, the one she rarely saw but recognized as reserved just for her, and she knew then that they were going to be okay.
The End
A/N - Thanks to MidKnight Rider and BethanyActually for the beta.