Too Old, Too Poor, Too Dangerous
Tonks stirred, briefly curling her toes as she always did upon waking. She registered the pillow beneath her cheek: crisp and cool, with a slightly clinical smell - it was not her pillow. Eyes still closed, she froze for a moment in confusion. She felt a hand, warm and a little rough, brush her brow gently, smoothing away the furrowed lines there. She opened her eyes slowly, slightly dazzled by the clean, bright white of the room. St Mungo's she realised with a start. The hand on her forehead was suddenly removed and she rolled over feeling an ache that seemed to stretch from the ends of her momentarily mousy brown hair to her toenails. "Remus!" she exclaimed, startling herself a little with the obvious joy in her voice. A rosy pink began to emanate from the roots of her hair.
"Nymphadora." He seemed to smile despite himself.
Tonks noticed what could have been tear tracks on his tired face as she groaned, "You know how much I hate that name Remus…"
Remus smiled again, apologetically this time, "I know, I'm sorry. 'Tonks' always makes me feel like I'm addressing your father."
Tonks propped herself on her elbows and looked around properly, noticing a profusion of violets on the nightstand.
"Has Dad been in then?" she asked Remus, gesturing towards the flowers. "He knows those are my favourites," she smiled.
"Your favourites? Oh, no… I mean, yes your parents have been here of course - they only left about an hour ago to get some sleep - but," Remus coughed, avoiding her gaze, "I brought those actually. Thought any room with Nym- Any room with Tonks in it could use a bit more colour"
Tonks grinned as a faint blush tinged Remus' pale cheeks with colour. Thinking he'd appreciate a change of subject she asked, "How long have I been at Mungo's then?"
Remus' blush subsided and he awkwardly met her eyes "Last night and all today but you're fine, the healers just wanted you to get as much rest as possible - Bellatrix's curse hit you quite hard."
"That bitch…" mumbled Tonks angrily, "to think I'm related to her…" Then, suddenly, "Oh God, is everyone else alri-" Her question was interrupted by the bustling entrance of a witch in lime green robes.
"Ah you're awake Ms Tonks - and well tended to, I see." She smiled beatifically, causing Remus' pale cheeks to flush a second time. "I'm sure you're glad to hear that all is well, but we do want you to stay another night before you go home. I'll leave you be but here's a sleeping draught when you're ready - good rest is nature's best healing spell." She deposited the potion next to the violets on the nightstand and was gone.
Remus cleared his throat quietly and stood up. "I should be leaving then, let you recover and what have you."
Tonks looked him in the eye. "Stay," she told him. "Just until I fall asleep." He hesitated. "Please."
She took his hand and he let out a tiny, barely audible sigh. He sat down again, her hand in his, and squeezed it just slightly. Or was she imagining things? He handed her the sleeping draught and she sipped it before settling into the pillows. The effect of the potion was swift but she was still awake when he released her hand to tuck her in and smooth away her now violet hair from her forehead.
Tonks woke the next morning as the sun shone through the curtains. She rolled over quickly, happily noting that her aches had subsided before taking in the empty room. She had hoped he would still be there. She sat up and grabbed her wand from the nightstand, almost knocking the pot of violets off the nightstand -"Shit!" - but she caught it from the edge just in time. The violets… how had he known those were her favourite flower? She loved the way he had blushed. Everything about yesterday had indicated that he cared about her. She felt overwhelmed with hope. She tapped her wand to the small icon of the healer that was next to the bed and a wizard in healer robes entered almost immediately.
"Up early Miss Tonks."
Tonks grinned, "Yeah, ready to be home."
She apparated to her parents home as soon as she was discharged from St Mungo's and spent the next few days delighting her dad and exasperating her mother with her clumsiness, mess and the latest anecdotes from her experiences as an auror.
"We've missed you, Dora, while you've been off having adventures," grinned Ted Tonks, ruffling her currently blonde hair.
"I'm not sure mum's missed my mess, or the fact that I'm constantly breaking her knick-knacks by accident," she giggled back quietly.
Andromeda entered from the kitchen frowning, "Of course I've missed you Nymphadora." Her face was solemn as she told Tonks, "I'm proud of you darling, everything you've accomplished… But please stay safe. Everything's becoming so much more dangerous."
Tonks hugged her mother; she really did love her, in spite of the ridiculous name she'd bestowed upon her.
"Don't worry mum, I'll be fine."
As she pulled back from the embrace she tripped on the edge of the rug and knocked a lamp over with one of her flailing arms. "I'll be fine," she repeated, laying facedown on the rug before erupting into uproarious laughter with her dad. After a moment Andromeda joined the hysterics and all three were left clutching their sides in pain as they tried and failed to stop their exuberant laughter.
It was the third week of June when Tonks strolled into the station in her most comfy jeans and a Weird Sisterstop, hair in her favourite shade of bubblegum pink. She was technically there to greet Harry but the reason her heart was beating double-time was standing amongst the group of people she loved near the platform barrier.
"Shit," she muttered aloud, suddenly wishing she had woken up earlier and had time to pick out an outfit that was somehow less… juvenile.
She made her way over to them waving, hoping he would notice her. It was Mad-Eye who saw her first though, thanks to that eye. They shared a friendly handshake before Tonks was enveloped in a hug by Molly, patted on the back by Arthur and saluted by the grinning twins. She moved to stand by Remus who greeted her quietly. She desperately wanted to hug him or shake his hand at the very least - anything to touch him - but before she could act on the impulse Harry and his friends had passed through the barrier and everyone moved to embrace and greet them.
Tonks waved as everyone left: Harry with the Dursleys, Hermione and her parents, the assorted members of the Weasley clan. She turned to say goodbye to Mad-Eye but he'd already disapparated with a faint "pop" which meant she was left alone with Remus. As thrilled as she was with that fact she couldn't help noticing that he looked miserable.
"Remus?" She reached for his hand but he pulled it back to brush his sandy hair out of his eyes which she suddenly realised were filled with tears. She'd learned of Sirius' death soon after leaving St Mungo's but her grief had been countered by an overwhelming sense of relief that everyone else was safe, at least for the moment. A heavy weight of seemed to settle in her stomach as she realised how much pain he, Sirius' best friend, must be in.
"You're coming over and we're having some of Honeydukes finest." She smiled brightly but he looked almost uncomfortable.
"I'm not taking no for an answer." She reached for his hand again and this time he didn't pull away but let her take his large, strong hand in two of hers. His touch sent sparks up her arm and they spread up and down her spine, causing the hairs on the nape of her neck to stand on end. She strode out of the station, her grip on his hand gentle but firm.
They sunk into her worn, soft, and very purple sofa. Tonks broke off a few squares of chocolate and handed it to Remus.
"Eat this, then talk. But don't feel like you have to. I think you should though, if you want to that is. If not that's fine." Shut up, Tonks! she thought furiously.
Remus smiled vaguely and ate the chocolate. She stared for a minute, not believing he was actually here, in her flat. She hoped he liked it despite the mess. She wondered if he noticed his violets on the side table. She wished she had made her bed. Why was she thinking about her bed, they were in the living room and this was Remus Lupin she was thinking about, she'd never have him in her bed. Shit, now she was thinking about him in her bed. And now she was blushing and Remus was looking at her and oh God she so wanted him in her bed. She was supposed to be comforting him for Merlin's sake.
"So, do you want to talk?"
Remus sighed. "I don't know Tonks. He was the best friend I had left and he's gone. I don't think saying it aloud makes it any easier to accept." He looked at her apologetically.
"Right. Of course. I'm sorry. I'm not good at this, am I?"
Remus chuckled at her, despite the tears in his eyes.
"Well, erm, I know it's probably not helpful but I'm here for you, I really am. I know I can't take his place or anything but I'm a friend. We're friends, yeah?"
"We're friends." Remus smiled at her, and his smile was real.
"Okay," she grinned, "I think we should make a toast, don't you think he'd want that?" She summoned a bottle of firewhisky and two glasses from the side table and filled them, standing, handing one to Remus who stared at her.
"To Sirius," she said and downed her glass in one.
"To Sirius," he said, his voice cracking, and he swallowed the firewhisky with fresh tears in his eyes. He hastily asked for her glass and took it with his into the small kitchen.
A moment later he was back in the living room and though he was no longer crying, he hadn't bothered to wipe the few tears he had shed from his cheeks.
Something in Tonks burst.
She reached up to his drained face and wiped each tear away, leading him back to the sofa as she did so. And then they were on the sofa again and she was in his lap; he was holding her and crying quietly and she was crying and holding him and he was rocking her gently back and forth as though she was the one who needed comforting. Her face was buried in the curve of his neck and it was so warm and there that, without thinking, she kissed him there.
He shuddered, he was still. He had his hands on either side of her face - he was looking at her with a question in his eyes. It was the firewhisky, it must be the firewhisky, but she stared straight back at him with the answer in hers and both of her hands on his face. Slowly she kissed the each of the paths of tears on his face, then she kissed his forehead, then, boldly, his lips. His hands were no longer on her face, they were strongly, gently on her shoulders, pushing her away.
Shit…
"I'm sorry… shouldn't have… you don't feel the same way… I get it..."
"It's not that…"
"Then what? If you don't want - if you're not interested just tell me now and spare me the future embarrassment."
"Christ, Dora, it's not that."
Merlin, something about him calling her Dora made her melt.
"You're everything… you're more than I could possibly… of course I feel…" Remus paused for a moment. He shook his head slightly before he spoke again. His words were quiet and measured.
"I'm thirteen years older than you, Tonks. I can't offer you anything: I don't have a home, I don't have a job, I don't even have the prospect of those things. You have to realise-"
She put a finger to his lips. "I don't care! So you're a fucking werewolf, Remus, I understand that but none of it matters to me. Surely you realise that."
"It does matter. Surely you realise that you deserve much more than I can ever give you."
"Listen to me, Remus: I do not care. I just want you."
She kissed his mouth with abandon, hoping to convey all she had felt for him since the first time they'd met.
Suddenly his hands were no longer at her shoulders, holding her at arms length, they were wrapped around her and pulling her closer and his lips parted and her tongue was in his mouth and she tasted chocolate and it tasted like bliss; she didn't want it to end but she didn't want it to be the beginning anymore either.
One of her hands was at the base of his neck, fingers tugging slightly on his fine hair and one of her hands was under his worn jumper, fingers tracing the muscles of his back. She could feel his mingles restraint and desire in the way he was holding her and the way he returned her kiss. She couldn't bear it. She broke away.
"Look. Tell me what you want: all or nothing."
He glanced into her gaze and away. "I… Dora, I don't think I can reconcile… I'm so much older… It's wr-"
"Don't you dare tell me what I'm feeling is wrong Remus. You and I feel more right than anything else. Tell me you don't feel that."
A pause.
"You can't because you know it would be a lie."
He met her eyes fully and the final stilt that had been holding up the crumbling wall of his restraint snapped cleanly in two. He was falling in her eyes and the only way to stop it was to kiss her so he kissed her full on the mouth and she gasped with surprise and he was still falling in her kiss and he thought his heart would stop if he stopped kissing her.
But his heart kept beating when she stopped kissing him. In fact it beat faster as Tonks, still sideways in his lap, started to bite his neck gently and began working her hands up his jumper, pulling gently on the downy hair of his chest as she went and, stopping over his heart, caressed his nipple with a featherlight touch. Remus' eyes were closed and Tonks grinned as she felt his rapid heartbeat under her fingertips and felt the place all the blood was rushing to as it hardened beneath her.
In one swift move she tugged off his jumper and swung her leg around to straddle him. He opened his eyes and they were hard to read but Tonks didn't care because his gentle-rough hands were under her top, then pulling it off frantically and under her bra, then it too was gone - how did that happen so fast? - but she didn't care because he had lain her down and his hands had been replaced by his mouth and his teeth tugging on her nipple hurt so good and - is that me moaning?
His tongue and hands were suddenly everywhere above her waist: hands roughly in her hair and softly on her breast and fingernails travelling the curve of her back, tongue furiously in her mouth and delicately tasting her neck and tracing the waistband of her jeans – jeans.
She opened her eyes, "Jeans, off," she commanded breathlessly and, with a speed that surprised her, hers were.
She sat up and fumbled with the button of his trousers, cursing her fingers for being as clumsy as the rest of her. Her wand lay on the carpet in front of the couch so she snatched it up, grinning, and murmured "Evanesco."
He stood before her completely bare. She blushed slightly; she had only meant to vanish his trousers but it wasn't hard to imagine why her wand had taken things further. She stared at him, her blush receding, taking all of him in visually. She began at his face, his eyes meeting hers in the fiercest gaze she'd ever seen; he was not hiding from her anymore. Her eyes travelled down, taking in the scars on his shoulders and side, and the leanness of him. And then her eyes arrived.
She took him in her hand. She kissed the deep scar on his side, running her tongue along it. Remus let out a strangled groan, almost a growl, and she smiled and bit her lip, fully aware of her power over him. She guided him into her very warm, very wet mouth and it was very much a growl the second time.
"Dora!" he exclaimed hoarsely, "I don't - I haven't… It's been a long time and I want to do this right. You want…" He faltered and Tonks ran her hand up his strong thigh encouragingly. "You want all of me, you said. Everything?"
"Everything," she murmured, thinking and praying Remus, please don't stop now, we can't stop now.
He laughed with joy and gathered her up in his arms, half walking, half running to her bedroom. They tumbled into her unmade bed, both laughing now as Remus grabbed her arse and, biting her earlobe, murmured into her ear, "If I didn't know better the state of this bed might suggest that you shared it with someone else earlier today."
Tonks' reply was earnest. "Only you, Remus. Since I first met you it's only ever been-"
He cut her off with a wet open-mouthed kiss.
They lay in one another's arms afterwards, eyes closed, heartbeats slowing down, breathing becoming more regular. Tonks traced the lines of Remus' face, memorising it with her lips, her fingers, her eyes.
"I love you," she whispered again and again as she drifted into a peaceful sleep punctuated by fleeting images of a small family in a garden of violets.
"I love you" whispered the dream-husband as he kissed her forehead, removing his arm from where it encircled her waist and reaching down to lift the dream-child with turquoise hair.
Tonks woke up wrapped in blankets.
She blearily noted the strangeness - she remembered falling asleep wrapped in Remus' arms, the blankets strewn around the foot of the bed.
She curled her toes and stretched, reaching her arm out, expecting to find the man she loved. All she found were cold sheets.
Her heartbeat stopped for a half second. Breathe, Tonks, breathe again.
She opened her eyes and sat up. Where is he? He must be… He can't be…
She stood up, pulling a blanket around her and stepped into the living room.
Empty.
She hoped without hope that he was in the kitchen.
Empty.
She checked the bathroom, knowing he wasn't there.
Empty.
Clutching the blanket to her she stumbled back into the living room and saw his note under the pot of violets: Dora, I'm so, so sorry -Remus.
The vibrant pink of her hair began to seep back towards her scalp.
She sank to the floor, curling herself into a small ball, rocking back and forth. She cried until her heart was empty.
She kept crying.