Reporter Rita Skeeter here, ready to unearth some of Hogwarts' most awful truths.
First story is about Hogwarts' own Professor Severus Snape, who was recently seen wearing a thong. When asked about it, his angry reply was, "It wasn't my fault! I was being forced! Was Potter the one that told you? Oh, I'll get my hands on him someday!"
Witnesses of the event claim it to be, "gruesome, horrifying, sexy." One would assume that whoever made that last statement was either under the influence of drugs or mentally ill.
Here is an article on Hogwarts' "beloved" headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. Reliable sources claim that the mess of hair he has it actually a toupee.
Draco Malfoy, a student a Hogwarts, claims, "Father always said that Dumbledore was faker than that Muggle singer's chest – Bitchy Steers, or whatever her name is."
I have also dug up a bit about Harry Potter's still-tangled love life. When best friend Ron Weasley was consulted about whom Harry's latest love is, he confided, "Well, he likes Cho Chang a lot. But some girls like Colin Creevey and my own little sister, Ginny, have the hots for him."
When intelligent reporter Rita Skeeter inquired what happened to Hermione, he blushed, but said, "She's taken." Who would like that buck-toothed wench?
Draco Malfoy is obviously a bit mentally unstable. Friend Vincent Crabbe reveals, "We play Spice Girls a lot. I'm Sporty, and Gregory's Scary, and Professor Snape plays Posh, and Draco, since he get first pick, he usually Baby." I recently caught them in the act. All four of the aforementioned "wanna-be" Spices were in Draco's dorm, singing, ironically, "Wanna-Be." It could be heard all throughout the school campus, and several students were disturbed by the ruckus they were creating, and some even reported cracked windows.
You-Know-Who may be more evil than he seems. Inquiring reporter Rita Skeeter lately snuck into his lair, and all over the floor were – are you ready for this? – Barbie dolls! Barbies are Muggle toys made for little 5-year-olds. Most of the clothes they come with are pink, and they symbolize girl power for young girls everywhere. Albus Dumbledore, enemy of You-Know-Who, is quoted as saying, "In all the years I've known [You-Know-Who], I never imagined him to like that sort of thing. I believe it symbolizes that he was never loved, and therefore is using these Muggle dolls as a source of affection."
Many agree with Dumbledore's philosophy. However, attractive blonde reporter Rita Skeeter probes further for answers. When interviewing You-Know-Who, when asked about the dolls, his explanation was, "Well, it's not only the dolls I like." He blushes, but continues, "All I really like are their hot pink outfits."
The fifth story happens to be about Hogwarts Professor Minerva McGonagall, who seems to hold a second occupation. She has been spotted on Muggle television in a commercial for a Muggle cat food called Meow Mix. When asked for details, she blushed and angrily retorted, "I most certainly have not been on Muggle television, especially for a commercial for Meow Mix!" She then glanced around before confiding, "I like Kibbles 'n' Bits better."
Bringing you the latest gossip, this is Rita Skeeter, the Daily Prophet's best reporter.
[Disclaimer: Snape owns his thong, Dumbledore owns the toupee, Hermione owns Ron, Colin wishes he owned Harry, Draco owns his Spice Girls CD, Voldemort owns his Barbie Dolls, and McGonagall has all her cans of Kibbles 'n' Bits stashed away in a cupboard somewhere. And all of it belongs to JK, and even if it didn't, she's now rich enough to buy it all.
Oh, yeah. I own nothing. I'm a deprived little kid. ; ' )]
[A/N – Dumb, wasn't it? I wrote this at midnight. Seriously. But my parents would kill me if they found me up that late, so I have to angle this mirror against my nightstand so it reflects the light outside – no one cares, huh? ~clears throat~ Annnnnyway, I have several other stories coming out very soon, as I've taken a habit of writing things long-hand, instead of just typing them, and I have about three notebooks full of stories. Pity me – I gotta spend more time on the computer to type them all up. But you won't see me too often, because I've started (never gonna finish, though ; ' )) an original. ~notices everyone is asleep, so starts practicing bagpipes, which I haven't the faintest how to play anyway~ ~everyone jerks awake~ Good. Now you can review! ; ' )]