Sparklers

People were like sparklers, River decided. They were born of the flame, which was born of the matches. River liked how everything had a place, had an order. She wished she had order.

The light started off low, then flared, spreading light and happiness, glowing like Kaylee. They shed sparkles that tickled when you touched them.

River liked to light ten or eleven at a time and dance with them, writing complex equations and symbols and her name and Simon's in the air. Afterwards, in her bed, she could close her eyes and see the afterimages, burned into her eyes.

But all the good things come to an end, and the sparklers died eventually. Just like people. They fizzled and went out and the night was suddenly black again. You always missed a sparkler when it went out.

So maybe only good people were sparklers then. If a bad evil man died, surely no one would miss him. River frowned. That wasn't true. Everyone had a mother, a father. Someone always mourned.

She shook the thought away. It was sad, and today was supposed to be happy happy happy. More thoughts always crowded in though. Floodgates were open and the water was rushing in.

River wasn't a sparkler, she didn't shed light and happiness wherever she went. She shed blood and tears and worries. Right now, Simon was crouched in the medbay, trying to find the cure.

So not all people were sparklers then. So how could you decide? She had to find the answer, River hated unsolved questions.

She wasn't a sparkler, and the people at the Academy weren't sparklers, but mean men could be sparklers.

Maybe she was missing something. She glanced down at her skin, hoping that it was something visible. It wasn't. Perhaps the two by two hands of blue had taken it away from her.

But then who took it away from them? And who took it away from the people who took it away from them? So many problems it made River's head spin. That wasn't good, the last time her head had spun like this she had smacked Zoe, who had tried to smack her back. Mal wouldn't be happy if someone ended up in the medbay with a broken wrist again.

River got up and dug out the box of sparklers Inara had given her. Pulling out the small lighter, she lit it up.

River watched as the sparkler came alive, shedding its sparkles. She stared deep into the light, hoping for an answer.

And just as it burned down, it came to her. She was a sparkler, because once she had also sown happiness. So River was fine, at least metaphorically, because she had been a sparkler. She must have burnt out. It happened.

River grabbed her box and wandered down to the medbay, where Simon was. She forced herself to walk in.

Simon looked up and gave her a tired smile which changed to a look of horror when he saw the lighter in her hands.

"River, what did I say about touching things that make fire?" he asked sternly, moving to stand and pull it away from her.

River frowned at him and went over to him, sitting down on his lap. Simon sighed and wrapped his arms around her. Smiling, River pulled out the sparklers and handed him one.

"Where did you get this?" Simon asked, knowing the answer almost as soon as he asked the question.

"Inara," River replied, flicking the lighter on and bringing her sparkler closer to it. She watched in delight as it hissed and turned golden, turning the infirmary sparkly and happy instead of cold and sterile.

"That woman does too much for us," Simon said, not really meaning it as River brought her sparkler around to his.

"Are you happy?" asked River suddenly. Simon smiled into her hair.

"Yes, very much so." River smiled to herself.

"So I'm not burnt out yet," she said, delighted. Simon shrugged, not understanding. He didn't need to.

River dropped her head back onto his chest and they watched together as the sparklers lit up the room.