The One With the 9/11 Bag of Popcorn
By Jill Anne (jasajdyk@mtu.edu)
Disclaimer: All characters within are property of NBC, Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. This is intended for entertainment purposes only, and no money is being made.
Links to the pictures to see just how ugly this gun is, and the real bag of popcorn are at the bottom. For some reason fanfiction.net is seriously screwing up if I don't put them there.
This episode takes place in the spring/summer of season 9, 7 weeks after easter sundayish. Yes, that's important later on.
Scene 1
Joey is looking at stuff online, and Rachel comes in.
Rachel Hey hon, what're you looking at online? How's Emma been? (Picks up Emma from her playpen and coos at her.)
Joey Oh Emma's been great. Hey Rach, come here and help me look at these.
Rachel Okay. (Walks over.) Joey, why are you looking at guns?
Joey Oh, I'm trying out for this part in a movie, you know, to "supplement my income." (Pauses so that Rachel can look duly impressed with his mastery of the English language.) Yeah so the character is really big into guns and like I suddenly realized I had never even held a real gun, so I'm thinking about getting one.
Rachel Oh that's great, so you're going to buy a gun online, isn't that illegal?
Joey No no no! I'm just looking online, and then if I press this little button here (does so) it'll find a retailer in my area. Isn't that cool?
Rachel Oh yeah, awesome.
Joey So which one do you think I should get, this one, shows her one page, or this one? (Clicks and shows her another one.)
Rachel Oh I, I really liked the first gun better.
Joey Really, you think so? Cause I think that this one's neat.
Rachel Oh, um, you know what? Yeah you're right. Whatever. It's your gun.
(Shot of the screen. A picture of this gun is at the bottom of the store (linked). It's really really ugly if you don't want to bother and go and look at it.)
Joey: Alright.
Opening Credits
Scene 2: Central Perk. All the gang except Joey and Ross are seated around the couch. Phoebe is filling out a quiz in some magazine or another (chick magazine that is).
Rachel So Monica, your doctor prescribed you a drug because he thinks you're depressed about not getting pregnant right now?
Monica Yeah, can you believe it? And I don't feel any different really-
Chandler I think these things take time to start working.
Monica He said he's going to up my dose if it doesn't start working, it's been two weeks. And then there's this whole list of side effects.
Rachel Oh, I'm sorry hon, (whispers) are any of them sexual?
Monica (Whispers back) Yeah a few, although lately I've been really horny so yah know. (Louder.) The main one is it isn't supposed to be used if you're trying to get pregnant, so I don't see how this is going to help me. (Looks sad, and Chandler holds her, awwwww.)
Chandler So when do you go back to see him again?
Monica Tomorrow afternoon.
Chandler It'll be fine. Besides, (quieter just to her) you've been having fun finding that weird gift for Ross, right?
Monica Oh yeah! I finally did too.
Chandler Does it have anything to do with armadillos?
Monica No silly, but it does have to do with the Ten Commandments.
Phoebe Looks up Oh! I once found a smashed penny that was stamped with the Ten Commandments.
Monica Oh?
Phoebe Yeah and then I gave it to a beggar cause, you know, I thought he might need it more than me.
Monica A beggar needs the Ten Commandments?
Phoebe No! He needed the penny.
(Monica and Chandler share a look.)
Chandler Um Phoebe, you do realize that once a penny is stamped with something that it's no longer legal tender, don't you?
Phoebe What? No, it was still very clearly a penny. You could see where the guy's face used to be and everything.
Chandler The guy?
Phoebe Yeah, you know, The Guy. The guy on the heads' side. (Imitates Lincoln.)
Chandler Does someone else care to take this one?
(They all look back at him. Long pause.)
Phoebe Oh, this is a good question! (aloud, reading from her quiz) "Have you ever seen a psychic?" I have! (Writes down her answer.)
Chandler Yeah me too, but she was a little creepy in bed. (He gets elbowed by Monica.)
(Joey comes rushing and sits on the edge of the couch next to Rachel)
Joey I got it.
Rachel Got what?
Joey C'mere. (Pulls the really ugly freaking gun out of his pants.)
Rachel (Screams, and then covers up her mouth.) Oh my God! Joey, you can't have that in here.
Joey What? It's not loaded, I don't even have bullets. (Shows her that the clip isn't in and that there's nothing in the chamber.)
Rachel Wow, you know how to use it already. Break I don't care, put it away, put it away. You're going to get into trouble!
Joey (Mocks her.) You're going to get into trouble.What is this, grade school? Come on, nobody even knows that it's a real gun. It could be a fake gun.
Chandler Right, and every fake gun has wood paneling and gold trim and no orange tip. Where did you get that thing?
Joey Pawn shop a few blocks over. I found it online and it was right there waiting for me. It's like it was meant to be mine.
Chandler Joey, that gun was not meant to be yours.
Joey What? Of course it was, look! (Practices aiming it and everybody flinches/ducks)
Chandler Joey, that's the gun Mr. T would use if he ever, I don't know, bought a woody.
Joey (Looks at the gun and smiles and nods.) Yeah.(break) Isn't it cool?
Monica (Stands up and crosses to Joey.) Joey, please put the gun away before somebody notices and has you kicked out okay? (She means business.)
Joey Okay, okay, but I don't see what the big deal is.
Monica Why do you even need a gun?
Chandler Maybe he finally feels the need to protect the furniture.
Joey Hey I was just showing that guy how big the entertainment center was.
Monica (is getting irate) Joey, why do you need a gun?
Rachel He needs to practice carrying one for a movie.
Monica Well then, go practice somewhere else.
Joey Okay, okay, sheesh, I can tell when I'm not wanted. (Walks out cowboyish, or like he has something up his butt, whichever you prefer.)
(A waitress comes by with their coffee.)
Waitress Did that guy have a gun?
Chandler Yeah but it's okay, he's a soap opera actor.
Waitress (Flippantly.) Oh okay!
(Waitress leaves. Ross enters with Emma.)
Monica Joey got a gun because he's going to try out for a movie.
Ross What?
Chandler No, I don't think you understand. Joey got the ugliest gun in history, to practice for a movie.
Ross No, no I got the gun part. What?
Rachel Aren't you listening?
Ross When did you see this gun?
Phoebe In here, just a minute ago. He pointed it right at me too.
Ross And where will he be keeping this gun? Does he have a safe? Does he have a lock?
Rachel I don't know.
Ross Wait a minute, he has a gun, in the apartment, with my child, and you don't know if he has a lock?
Rachel He just bought the gun, I don't see how he could possibly have time to buy a lock too.
Phoebe (nodding) And those safes are big too.
Ross They're usually sold at the same place.
Chandler Oh yes, pawn shops just sell tons of trigger locks. Even more than they do guns.
Ross He bought a gun that's going to be in the house with my child at a pawn shop?
Monica (To Rachel) Do you hear an echo in here?
Rachel Yeah, do you?
Ross How can you be so calm about this? What if Emma accidentally shot herself?
Rachel She's not going to shoot herself if he didn't buy any bullets, and he didn't.He doesn't even have a clip in it, it's perfectly harmless and I'm sure he'll get rid of it as soon as the movie casting director turns him down. (Break) Did I just say that out loud?
Chandler Yes you did.
Rachel Thanks hon. Oh and you know, she doesn't even have the motor skills to do that.
Ross No, no, I'm not going to put up with this. I put up with you moving out, but I'm not going to put up with you allowing my child around a gun. I just can't. I can't.
Rachel Oh and what are you going to do?
Ross She's just going to stay with me, that's all.
Rachel Oh I don't think so.
Ross Well I very well can't let her stay in a apartment with a man practicing how to use a gun.
Chandler An ugly gun.
Rachel Ross, give me my daughter right now.
Ross She's my daughter too, and it's time that I start help deciding what's good for her.
Rachel Well being with her mother is what is best for Emma right now.
Ross Oh and why is that?
Rachel I have all her toys.
Ross I can buy new toys.
Rachel I have her formula, and her food. You just had her for the day. All the stuff is at my apartment, not yours.
Ross Well, I, I have a key.
Rachel If I go out and buy a trigger lock for the gun-
Chandler The ugly gun.
Rachel If I go out and buy a trigger lock for the ugly gun-
Ross And a safe.
Rachel Alright, you know what Ross? I don't even want to talk to you anymore.
Ross Oh that's real mature.
Rachel And this is? You're trying to take my daughter away from me because of something my roommate did, and that roommate happens to be one of your friends!
Ross Okay, look, I just want what's best for Emma.
Rachel Really. I think you just want to find some way to argue with me.
(Everybody pauses for a minute.)
Ross Okay, compromise. We'll go out and buy a trigger lock for the gun, and then go back to the apartment and make sure that Joey puts it on.
Rachel And you'll shut up about it?
Ross Yes.
Rachel Okay fine.
Rachel and Ross leave.
Chandler Did I mention that it's an ugly gun?
Scene Three
The psychiatrist's office. Monica and Chandler are waiting in the waiting room.
Receptionist Monica Geller-Bing?
Monica That's me. (Stands up and Chandler squeezes her hand and smiles at her, she follows the receptionist.)
To psychiatrist's office room B. The shrink, Dr. Don, is sitting in a chair opposite her.
Dr. Don So Monica, how're you doing?
Monica Just fine.
Dr. Don Anything interesting happen lately?
Monica Oh my friend Joey bought a gun, but it's a really ugly gun.
Dr. Don I see.
Monica Yeah, and Ross and Rachel got into this huge fight over it.
Dr. Don And how did that make you feel?
Monica Wait, wait a second, this is just the intro how do you feel sort of stuff. This isn't supposed to count!
Dr. Don I hate to tell you this Monica, but I'm a psychiatrist, "how do you feel" stuff always counts.
Monica No, no it doesn't, not in my world it doesn't. That's not fair, what are you writing down?
Dr. Don Just notes. How is that medication I prescribed doing?
Monica I really haven't noticed that much honestly.
Dr. Don Really? Most people see results within two weeks.
Monica (shakes her head) I don't feel that different. But I wasn't really that depressed anyway. I mean, everybody's sad they might not ever have kids, right?
Dr. Don (doesn't answer right away) Monica, while what you are feeling might be natural, any prolonged feelings of helplessness or depression generally are diagnosable and treatable, and that's all we're trying to do here.
Monica But I-
Dr. Don I'm going to suggest that we increase the dosage for the next three weeks and see what happens, alright?
Monica But that medicine isn't supposed to be taken if I'm trying to conceive.
Dr. Don If you could do that then we wouldn't be here to begin with.
Monica That's not very nice.
Dr. Don (alright, if I were writing more than one of these I'd set it up so this jackass is only nice to single women, so just assume you know that already or will find out in an episode or two and move on) If you really want to have children, there's no reason why you can't try other means. I suggest that after we get you all better here that you see a fertility clinic, or start looking into adoption. The fact that you cannot conceive naturally does not mean that you will not eventually have children, okay?
Monica I know that but-
Dr. Don But what?
Monica I just, I just want to do everything the normal way, you know? I mean, my parents had me the normal way, and they sure as heck didn't deserve to, will you stop taking notes! I'm just talking here!
Dr. Don I know you are.
Monica Oh God, how am I supposed to talk to you with you constantly looking down to write down everything I say?
Dr. Don Would you prefer if I record it?
Cut to Chandler, waiting in the lobby, Monica comes back out.
Chandler How'd it go?
Monica He's going to increase my medication.
Chandler (he hugs her) I'm sorry.
Monica Does he seem like a prick to you?
Chandler A wha huh?
Monica Nothing, I don't know, just must be me or something.
Chandler Let's get that filled and get you home.
Monica He started talking about adoption.
Chandler Oh and naturally that just made him a prick.
Monica No no, it's the way he said it.
Chandler Of course it is. (He really wants to say something about that's what women always say, but restrains himself because this is Chandler in love, of course.)
Monica You don't believe me!
Chandler Monica, I just want you to be okay, okay? I want to raise kids with you. And someday move out of the apartment and have a house with you. And grow old with you. And you know, nothing else really matters. It doesn't matter whose kids they are or what psychiatrists we have to go through before this all works out okay, because it will, alright?
Monica Alright.
(They kiss)
Monica But he's still a prick.
Scene Four
Rachel and Joey's. Rachel, Ross, and Joey are there. Ross is setting up a little gun safe on the counter. He puts the ugly gun in it, and then closes it. Note, the gun now has a trigger lock on it.
Ross See? Now here's the combination (hands it to Joey) and any time you need to play with your gun (Joey snorts back laughter, just a bit) it'll be right up here. (he pats the safe three times with those last three words.) Oh and you have the dirtiest man of anybody I know.
Joey Do you really think this is necessary Ross? I mean, Emma's not even that old yet.
Ross Of course it's necessary, and this is completely out of a toddler's reach. It's perfect, at least till she gets older and then-
Rachel Ross, it's going to be okay. You can go home now. Aren't you doing something tonight?
Ross No.
Rachel Ross-
Ross I get it, I get it. Now my fair finally safe friends, I bid you adieu.
(Ross finally leaves.)
Joey Can you believe that?
Rachel Oh Joey, I'm so sorry.
Joey He thinks I won't be safe around Emma? I mean, I love Emma.
Rachel Well-
Joey Well what?
Rachel Did you think about Emma when you were getting that gun?
Joey No, no! I mean, she's not walking. She couldn't lift that gun.
Rachel Not with all that gold, no.
Joey I thought about you, and me, and stuff, though. I mean, that's why I didn't get bullets.
Rachel Oh Joey, that's sweet. (hugs him)
Joey But wait, what if they expect me to know how to load it? (does the scared face)
Rachel Oh! Um. (thinks of a way out of it) Oh! You're an actor, you'll act like you know how.
Joey Right. (walks over and turns the tv on) Rach, can you make us some popcorn?
Rachel Sure. (opens the cupboards and starts looking around for some microwavable bags. She pulls out a box, which is empty, and throws it away. Then she pulls out a single bag of Popsecret) Hey Joey, when did you get this Popsecret?
Joey Oh I don't remember, but hey, make it, that'll be fine.
Rachel Okay. (she looks around the bag for a date. Okay, I've got to tell you, the date is printed on the part of the bag that expands as you pop it, so you can't actually tell unless you unfold it completely which you're not supposed to do. She shrugs and puts it in the microwave)
Scene 5
Monica and Chandler's. Monica is starting straight ahead obviously drugged out on something. Chandler walks in, sees her, hugs her, and gets no response. Then he runs his hand in front of her face to get her to respond. When he doesn't, he opens the fridge, takes out an egg, and drops it. Still no response.
Chandler Oh dear God, the prick turned my wife into a zombie.
Scene 6
No matter what, that would have lead into a commercial break, just to let you know. Anyway, this one is back at Rachel and Joey's, they are sitting in the chairs watching tv. Emma is in her playpen. They are eating the popcorn.
Rachel It's a little chewy.
Joey Could be from the butter.
Rachel Okay, fine, it's a lot chewy.
Joey Could be from a lot of butter?
Rachel I didn't use that much, it's supposed to have it built in.
Joey Built in?
Rachel Yeah you know, like an added feature or something. Well I couldn't find the date before-( she picks up the bag of popcorn and tries to find the date, which is somewhat visible now. Takes a moment, and then she screams, and starts completely totally freaking out.) Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! (The bag of popcorn is dropped and lands on the floor.)
Joey Right here baby.
Rachel Oh God no! This is not the time for jokes.
Joey So the popcorn's a little old, what's the big deal?
Rachel It's, it's not that it's a little old. It's the date. Look, look! (she points at the bag frantically while refusing to touch it)
Joey You want me to look!
Rachel Yes, look look!
Joey You sure?
Rachel Okay, if you do not look at the date on that popcorn I'm going to pick it up and shove it in your face.
Joey Okay, geez. It's not like I haven't eaten things that were bad before, how bad could it be? (He picks up the bag of popcorn, and it takes a moment, but suddenly he gets it) Gah! (Drops the bag of popcorn, again. The camera gets a close up of it, and the date reads: 9/11/01. There's a picture at the bottom of this fic. Yes, the author of this fanfiction really ate half a bag of very expired very creepy popcorn before figuring it out and taking a picture of it)
Rachel Isn't it horrible?
Joey Yeah, it's like, it's like eating. eating.
Rachel I can't even describe it.
Joey It's like, they should have known better than to date anything that date!
Rachel Well Joey, they couldn't have known before.
Joey It's like a famous date, duh, you don't put it on things like popcorn.
Rachel Joey, the popcorn was around before it was a famous date.
Joey Oh yeah. (long pause) So what are we going to do about it?
Rachel Clean it up I guess.
Joey No, no no! About the part we ate.
Rachel
Oh, oh dear.
Joey Yeah I mean, this is like the kinda stuff that leaves you constipated for a week.
Rachel No, no Joey just think of it as any other date.
Joey You just had me eat popcorn dated on the day of the terrorist attacks! Didn't you check it beforehand?
Rachel Of course I did! But the date is on the part where you have to pop it first before you can see it.
Joey We still could have looked after you popped it.
Rachel Well it smelled good.
(They pause)
Joey I think I'm rubbing off on you.
Scene 7
Central Perk and everyone is there except Monica and Chandler. Chandler comes in leading Monica, who looks a little less stoned. It is about two days later.
Rachel Oh Monica, are you feeling any better?
Monica Yeah, yeah I'll be fine. And the doctor finally said I can quit taking the nasty pills.
Chandler And he said the drugs will wear off any time now too.
Ross How many of those pills did she take?
Chandler Well she was on the increased dosage for two days before I finally called in about it, and she's right, that guy is a prick.
Rachel Huh, weird.
Chandler So Rachel, I heard that you ate terrorist popcorn?
Rachel Oh God, has everyone heard about that?
Ross Yes, yes we have. And we all feel for you.
Phoebe What'd you do with the bag? Because you know, if it were me, I would have like kept it or donated it to a museum or something.
Rachel Oh we just threw it out, I couldn't stand keeping it.
Joey But I took pictures though.
Ross You didn't pose my child with it did you?
Chandler Ross, that wouldn't have been a nice thing for even me to say.
Ross Well you don't have children.
(They all brace, and look at Monica, who is strangely unaffected by it all.)
Monica
What?
(They relax.)
Rachel Anyway no, Emma was not posed with our super freaky bag of popcorn, okay?
Joey Yeah, she wouldn't let me.
Rachel You're not supposed to say that!
(A guy at a nearby table is playing with a lighter, and Monica is transfixed by it.)
Chandler Monica? Monica? Hey Monica?
(She finally comes around and looks at him.)
Monica
What?
Chandler Don't you want to give Ross his present.
Monica Oh yes, Ross this is a Pentecost gift for you.
Joey (quietly to Rachel, as he has misheard her) A Pentecostal cell phone?
Phoebe Pentecostal cellophane?
Joey Shrink wrap?!
Monica How'd you guys guess?
Ross What?
Chandler Oh just open it.
(Ross opens the gift and pulls out Ten Commandments cellophane, like you didn't see that coming.)
Ross Wow, this is, wow.
Joey What's Pentecost again?
Ross It's when Moses got the Ten Commandments, or it's when the Holy Spirit came down on the disciples after Easter, depending on religion.
Chandler Yeah we found it at the same place that I got Joey's word of the day toilet paper.
Ross This is, this is-
Chandler Scary?
Ross Yeah, yeah, I'll treasure it though, I think.
Phoebe Just like that bum treasured his penny.
Chandler Worthless penny.
Monica My head kinda hurts.
Chandler Yeah the doctor said that could happen.
Rachel Oh do you want some Excedrin hon?
Chandler That would probably be good. Two while you're at it.
(Rachel digs around in her bag, finds her bottle of Excedrin, and takes out two, then hands them over to Monica.)
Monica Oh wow, these are sorta cute.
Chandler Honey, what are you doing?
Ross Didn't we already tell you that you can't pull off honey? (Ross is playing with his cellophane now, and has a sheet of "You shall have no other Gods before me" and is holding it up to the light)
Monica (puts the Excedrin down on the table and is making them jump over each other) whee! See, they're cute.
Chandler Yes, yes cute, but what are you doing to them? They shouldn't be jumping over each other, they should be jumping into your mouth and down your gullet like good little Excedrin.
Monica They're playing leapfrog.
Chandler Why?
Monica Because they're green, (holds one up) and they have little white bellies!
Chandler Okay, (takes the medicine away from her) now pick up your cup (she does so) and open your mouth (he puts the pills in) now close your mouth, and take a drink, and then swallow. Very good.
Joey Wow, I bet that's kinky in bed.
Rachel Joey!
Ross This is gonna be scary in my fridge stuck all over leftovers.
Closing credits play during Scene 8
Joey is trying out for the part of the movie. There are various extras around as well as a Beautiful Girl.
Casting Lady Okay, you say the line, and then you pull the gun. We have one here unless you brought your own.
Joey Oh I brought my own all right.
Casting Lady Okay let's see what you can do. Go whenever you are ready.
Joey Alright, now I didn't want to have to do this to you, but put your hands up! (He pulls the ugly gun out of a holster at his side, and the Casting Lady starts snickering.) What? What? Did I do something wrong?
Casting Lady No, no, it's just, that gun, where did you get that gun?
Joey At a pawn shop.
Casting Lady Oh I can only imagine why it ended up there.
(Beautiful girl walks over)
Beautiful Girl Well I kinda like it.
Joey How you doin'?
(Mr. T walks in, and puts an arm around Beautiful Girl. He has on lots of gaudy gold jewelry)
Mr. T Roxanne, you ready to go?
Off Joey's eyes getting really big as we fade to black.
Link to the gun: www taurususa com / imagesMain / H_100B5GR jpg Link to the popcorn: www hu mtu edu/ ~jasajdyk / 911popcorn jpg
you'll have to delete the space between the www and the rest of the address and put in a period. Fanfiction dot net is being silly and won't let me put the real links in. These shouldn't be terribly difficult to figure out.
By Jill Anne (jasajdyk@mtu.edu)
Disclaimer: All characters within are property of NBC, Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. This is intended for entertainment purposes only, and no money is being made.
Links to the pictures to see just how ugly this gun is, and the real bag of popcorn are at the bottom. For some reason fanfiction.net is seriously screwing up if I don't put them there.
This episode takes place in the spring/summer of season 9, 7 weeks after easter sundayish. Yes, that's important later on.
Scene 1
Joey is looking at stuff online, and Rachel comes in.
Rachel Hey hon, what're you looking at online? How's Emma been? (Picks up Emma from her playpen and coos at her.)
Joey Oh Emma's been great. Hey Rach, come here and help me look at these.
Rachel Okay. (Walks over.) Joey, why are you looking at guns?
Joey Oh, I'm trying out for this part in a movie, you know, to "supplement my income." (Pauses so that Rachel can look duly impressed with his mastery of the English language.) Yeah so the character is really big into guns and like I suddenly realized I had never even held a real gun, so I'm thinking about getting one.
Rachel Oh that's great, so you're going to buy a gun online, isn't that illegal?
Joey No no no! I'm just looking online, and then if I press this little button here (does so) it'll find a retailer in my area. Isn't that cool?
Rachel Oh yeah, awesome.
Joey So which one do you think I should get, this one, shows her one page, or this one? (Clicks and shows her another one.)
Rachel Oh I, I really liked the first gun better.
Joey Really, you think so? Cause I think that this one's neat.
Rachel Oh, um, you know what? Yeah you're right. Whatever. It's your gun.
(Shot of the screen. A picture of this gun is at the bottom of the store (linked). It's really really ugly if you don't want to bother and go and look at it.)
Joey: Alright.
Opening Credits
Scene 2: Central Perk. All the gang except Joey and Ross are seated around the couch. Phoebe is filling out a quiz in some magazine or another (chick magazine that is).
Rachel So Monica, your doctor prescribed you a drug because he thinks you're depressed about not getting pregnant right now?
Monica Yeah, can you believe it? And I don't feel any different really-
Chandler I think these things take time to start working.
Monica He said he's going to up my dose if it doesn't start working, it's been two weeks. And then there's this whole list of side effects.
Rachel Oh, I'm sorry hon, (whispers) are any of them sexual?
Monica (Whispers back) Yeah a few, although lately I've been really horny so yah know. (Louder.) The main one is it isn't supposed to be used if you're trying to get pregnant, so I don't see how this is going to help me. (Looks sad, and Chandler holds her, awwwww.)
Chandler So when do you go back to see him again?
Monica Tomorrow afternoon.
Chandler It'll be fine. Besides, (quieter just to her) you've been having fun finding that weird gift for Ross, right?
Monica Oh yeah! I finally did too.
Chandler Does it have anything to do with armadillos?
Monica No silly, but it does have to do with the Ten Commandments.
Phoebe Looks up Oh! I once found a smashed penny that was stamped with the Ten Commandments.
Monica Oh?
Phoebe Yeah and then I gave it to a beggar cause, you know, I thought he might need it more than me.
Monica A beggar needs the Ten Commandments?
Phoebe No! He needed the penny.
(Monica and Chandler share a look.)
Chandler Um Phoebe, you do realize that once a penny is stamped with something that it's no longer legal tender, don't you?
Phoebe What? No, it was still very clearly a penny. You could see where the guy's face used to be and everything.
Chandler The guy?
Phoebe Yeah, you know, The Guy. The guy on the heads' side. (Imitates Lincoln.)
Chandler Does someone else care to take this one?
(They all look back at him. Long pause.)
Phoebe Oh, this is a good question! (aloud, reading from her quiz) "Have you ever seen a psychic?" I have! (Writes down her answer.)
Chandler Yeah me too, but she was a little creepy in bed. (He gets elbowed by Monica.)
(Joey comes rushing and sits on the edge of the couch next to Rachel)
Joey I got it.
Rachel Got what?
Joey C'mere. (Pulls the really ugly freaking gun out of his pants.)
Rachel (Screams, and then covers up her mouth.) Oh my God! Joey, you can't have that in here.
Joey What? It's not loaded, I don't even have bullets. (Shows her that the clip isn't in and that there's nothing in the chamber.)
Rachel Wow, you know how to use it already. Break I don't care, put it away, put it away. You're going to get into trouble!
Joey (Mocks her.) You're going to get into trouble.What is this, grade school? Come on, nobody even knows that it's a real gun. It could be a fake gun.
Chandler Right, and every fake gun has wood paneling and gold trim and no orange tip. Where did you get that thing?
Joey Pawn shop a few blocks over. I found it online and it was right there waiting for me. It's like it was meant to be mine.
Chandler Joey, that gun was not meant to be yours.
Joey What? Of course it was, look! (Practices aiming it and everybody flinches/ducks)
Chandler Joey, that's the gun Mr. T would use if he ever, I don't know, bought a woody.
Joey (Looks at the gun and smiles and nods.) Yeah.(break) Isn't it cool?
Monica (Stands up and crosses to Joey.) Joey, please put the gun away before somebody notices and has you kicked out okay? (She means business.)
Joey Okay, okay, but I don't see what the big deal is.
Monica Why do you even need a gun?
Chandler Maybe he finally feels the need to protect the furniture.
Joey Hey I was just showing that guy how big the entertainment center was.
Monica (is getting irate) Joey, why do you need a gun?
Rachel He needs to practice carrying one for a movie.
Monica Well then, go practice somewhere else.
Joey Okay, okay, sheesh, I can tell when I'm not wanted. (Walks out cowboyish, or like he has something up his butt, whichever you prefer.)
(A waitress comes by with their coffee.)
Waitress Did that guy have a gun?
Chandler Yeah but it's okay, he's a soap opera actor.
Waitress (Flippantly.) Oh okay!
(Waitress leaves. Ross enters with Emma.)
Monica Joey got a gun because he's going to try out for a movie.
Ross What?
Chandler No, I don't think you understand. Joey got the ugliest gun in history, to practice for a movie.
Ross No, no I got the gun part. What?
Rachel Aren't you listening?
Ross When did you see this gun?
Phoebe In here, just a minute ago. He pointed it right at me too.
Ross And where will he be keeping this gun? Does he have a safe? Does he have a lock?
Rachel I don't know.
Ross Wait a minute, he has a gun, in the apartment, with my child, and you don't know if he has a lock?
Rachel He just bought the gun, I don't see how he could possibly have time to buy a lock too.
Phoebe (nodding) And those safes are big too.
Ross They're usually sold at the same place.
Chandler Oh yes, pawn shops just sell tons of trigger locks. Even more than they do guns.
Ross He bought a gun that's going to be in the house with my child at a pawn shop?
Monica (To Rachel) Do you hear an echo in here?
Rachel Yeah, do you?
Ross How can you be so calm about this? What if Emma accidentally shot herself?
Rachel She's not going to shoot herself if he didn't buy any bullets, and he didn't.He doesn't even have a clip in it, it's perfectly harmless and I'm sure he'll get rid of it as soon as the movie casting director turns him down. (Break) Did I just say that out loud?
Chandler Yes you did.
Rachel Thanks hon. Oh and you know, she doesn't even have the motor skills to do that.
Ross No, no, I'm not going to put up with this. I put up with you moving out, but I'm not going to put up with you allowing my child around a gun. I just can't. I can't.
Rachel Oh and what are you going to do?
Ross She's just going to stay with me, that's all.
Rachel Oh I don't think so.
Ross Well I very well can't let her stay in a apartment with a man practicing how to use a gun.
Chandler An ugly gun.
Rachel Ross, give me my daughter right now.
Ross She's my daughter too, and it's time that I start help deciding what's good for her.
Rachel Well being with her mother is what is best for Emma right now.
Ross Oh and why is that?
Rachel I have all her toys.
Ross I can buy new toys.
Rachel I have her formula, and her food. You just had her for the day. All the stuff is at my apartment, not yours.
Ross Well, I, I have a key.
Rachel If I go out and buy a trigger lock for the gun-
Chandler The ugly gun.
Rachel If I go out and buy a trigger lock for the ugly gun-
Ross And a safe.
Rachel Alright, you know what Ross? I don't even want to talk to you anymore.
Ross Oh that's real mature.
Rachel And this is? You're trying to take my daughter away from me because of something my roommate did, and that roommate happens to be one of your friends!
Ross Okay, look, I just want what's best for Emma.
Rachel Really. I think you just want to find some way to argue with me.
(Everybody pauses for a minute.)
Ross Okay, compromise. We'll go out and buy a trigger lock for the gun, and then go back to the apartment and make sure that Joey puts it on.
Rachel And you'll shut up about it?
Ross Yes.
Rachel Okay fine.
Rachel and Ross leave.
Chandler Did I mention that it's an ugly gun?
Scene Three
The psychiatrist's office. Monica and Chandler are waiting in the waiting room.
Receptionist Monica Geller-Bing?
Monica That's me. (Stands up and Chandler squeezes her hand and smiles at her, she follows the receptionist.)
To psychiatrist's office room B. The shrink, Dr. Don, is sitting in a chair opposite her.
Dr. Don So Monica, how're you doing?
Monica Just fine.
Dr. Don Anything interesting happen lately?
Monica Oh my friend Joey bought a gun, but it's a really ugly gun.
Dr. Don I see.
Monica Yeah, and Ross and Rachel got into this huge fight over it.
Dr. Don And how did that make you feel?
Monica Wait, wait a second, this is just the intro how do you feel sort of stuff. This isn't supposed to count!
Dr. Don I hate to tell you this Monica, but I'm a psychiatrist, "how do you feel" stuff always counts.
Monica No, no it doesn't, not in my world it doesn't. That's not fair, what are you writing down?
Dr. Don Just notes. How is that medication I prescribed doing?
Monica I really haven't noticed that much honestly.
Dr. Don Really? Most people see results within two weeks.
Monica (shakes her head) I don't feel that different. But I wasn't really that depressed anyway. I mean, everybody's sad they might not ever have kids, right?
Dr. Don (doesn't answer right away) Monica, while what you are feeling might be natural, any prolonged feelings of helplessness or depression generally are diagnosable and treatable, and that's all we're trying to do here.
Monica But I-
Dr. Don I'm going to suggest that we increase the dosage for the next three weeks and see what happens, alright?
Monica But that medicine isn't supposed to be taken if I'm trying to conceive.
Dr. Don If you could do that then we wouldn't be here to begin with.
Monica That's not very nice.
Dr. Don (alright, if I were writing more than one of these I'd set it up so this jackass is only nice to single women, so just assume you know that already or will find out in an episode or two and move on) If you really want to have children, there's no reason why you can't try other means. I suggest that after we get you all better here that you see a fertility clinic, or start looking into adoption. The fact that you cannot conceive naturally does not mean that you will not eventually have children, okay?
Monica I know that but-
Dr. Don But what?
Monica I just, I just want to do everything the normal way, you know? I mean, my parents had me the normal way, and they sure as heck didn't deserve to, will you stop taking notes! I'm just talking here!
Dr. Don I know you are.
Monica Oh God, how am I supposed to talk to you with you constantly looking down to write down everything I say?
Dr. Don Would you prefer if I record it?
Cut to Chandler, waiting in the lobby, Monica comes back out.
Chandler How'd it go?
Monica He's going to increase my medication.
Chandler (he hugs her) I'm sorry.
Monica Does he seem like a prick to you?
Chandler A wha huh?
Monica Nothing, I don't know, just must be me or something.
Chandler Let's get that filled and get you home.
Monica He started talking about adoption.
Chandler Oh and naturally that just made him a prick.
Monica No no, it's the way he said it.
Chandler Of course it is. (He really wants to say something about that's what women always say, but restrains himself because this is Chandler in love, of course.)
Monica You don't believe me!
Chandler Monica, I just want you to be okay, okay? I want to raise kids with you. And someday move out of the apartment and have a house with you. And grow old with you. And you know, nothing else really matters. It doesn't matter whose kids they are or what psychiatrists we have to go through before this all works out okay, because it will, alright?
Monica Alright.
(They kiss)
Monica But he's still a prick.
Scene Four
Rachel and Joey's. Rachel, Ross, and Joey are there. Ross is setting up a little gun safe on the counter. He puts the ugly gun in it, and then closes it. Note, the gun now has a trigger lock on it.
Ross See? Now here's the combination (hands it to Joey) and any time you need to play with your gun (Joey snorts back laughter, just a bit) it'll be right up here. (he pats the safe three times with those last three words.) Oh and you have the dirtiest man of anybody I know.
Joey Do you really think this is necessary Ross? I mean, Emma's not even that old yet.
Ross Of course it's necessary, and this is completely out of a toddler's reach. It's perfect, at least till she gets older and then-
Rachel Ross, it's going to be okay. You can go home now. Aren't you doing something tonight?
Ross No.
Rachel Ross-
Ross I get it, I get it. Now my fair finally safe friends, I bid you adieu.
(Ross finally leaves.)
Joey Can you believe that?
Rachel Oh Joey, I'm so sorry.
Joey He thinks I won't be safe around Emma? I mean, I love Emma.
Rachel Well-
Joey Well what?
Rachel Did you think about Emma when you were getting that gun?
Joey No, no! I mean, she's not walking. She couldn't lift that gun.
Rachel Not with all that gold, no.
Joey I thought about you, and me, and stuff, though. I mean, that's why I didn't get bullets.
Rachel Oh Joey, that's sweet. (hugs him)
Joey But wait, what if they expect me to know how to load it? (does the scared face)
Rachel Oh! Um. (thinks of a way out of it) Oh! You're an actor, you'll act like you know how.
Joey Right. (walks over and turns the tv on) Rach, can you make us some popcorn?
Rachel Sure. (opens the cupboards and starts looking around for some microwavable bags. She pulls out a box, which is empty, and throws it away. Then she pulls out a single bag of Popsecret) Hey Joey, when did you get this Popsecret?
Joey Oh I don't remember, but hey, make it, that'll be fine.
Rachel Okay. (she looks around the bag for a date. Okay, I've got to tell you, the date is printed on the part of the bag that expands as you pop it, so you can't actually tell unless you unfold it completely which you're not supposed to do. She shrugs and puts it in the microwave)
Scene 5
Monica and Chandler's. Monica is starting straight ahead obviously drugged out on something. Chandler walks in, sees her, hugs her, and gets no response. Then he runs his hand in front of her face to get her to respond. When he doesn't, he opens the fridge, takes out an egg, and drops it. Still no response.
Chandler Oh dear God, the prick turned my wife into a zombie.
Scene 6
No matter what, that would have lead into a commercial break, just to let you know. Anyway, this one is back at Rachel and Joey's, they are sitting in the chairs watching tv. Emma is in her playpen. They are eating the popcorn.
Rachel It's a little chewy.
Joey Could be from the butter.
Rachel Okay, fine, it's a lot chewy.
Joey Could be from a lot of butter?
Rachel I didn't use that much, it's supposed to have it built in.
Joey Built in?
Rachel Yeah you know, like an added feature or something. Well I couldn't find the date before-( she picks up the bag of popcorn and tries to find the date, which is somewhat visible now. Takes a moment, and then she screams, and starts completely totally freaking out.) Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! (The bag of popcorn is dropped and lands on the floor.)
Joey Right here baby.
Rachel Oh God no! This is not the time for jokes.
Joey So the popcorn's a little old, what's the big deal?
Rachel It's, it's not that it's a little old. It's the date. Look, look! (she points at the bag frantically while refusing to touch it)
Joey You want me to look!
Rachel Yes, look look!
Joey You sure?
Rachel Okay, if you do not look at the date on that popcorn I'm going to pick it up and shove it in your face.
Joey Okay, geez. It's not like I haven't eaten things that were bad before, how bad could it be? (He picks up the bag of popcorn, and it takes a moment, but suddenly he gets it) Gah! (Drops the bag of popcorn, again. The camera gets a close up of it, and the date reads: 9/11/01. There's a picture at the bottom of this fic. Yes, the author of this fanfiction really ate half a bag of very expired very creepy popcorn before figuring it out and taking a picture of it)
Rachel Isn't it horrible?
Joey Yeah, it's like, it's like eating. eating.
Rachel I can't even describe it.
Joey It's like, they should have known better than to date anything that date!
Rachel Well Joey, they couldn't have known before.
Joey It's like a famous date, duh, you don't put it on things like popcorn.
Rachel Joey, the popcorn was around before it was a famous date.
Joey Oh yeah. (long pause) So what are we going to do about it?
Rachel Clean it up I guess.
Joey No, no no! About the part we ate.
Rachel
Oh, oh dear.
Joey Yeah I mean, this is like the kinda stuff that leaves you constipated for a week.
Rachel No, no Joey just think of it as any other date.
Joey You just had me eat popcorn dated on the day of the terrorist attacks! Didn't you check it beforehand?
Rachel Of course I did! But the date is on the part where you have to pop it first before you can see it.
Joey We still could have looked after you popped it.
Rachel Well it smelled good.
(They pause)
Joey I think I'm rubbing off on you.
Scene 7
Central Perk and everyone is there except Monica and Chandler. Chandler comes in leading Monica, who looks a little less stoned. It is about two days later.
Rachel Oh Monica, are you feeling any better?
Monica Yeah, yeah I'll be fine. And the doctor finally said I can quit taking the nasty pills.
Chandler And he said the drugs will wear off any time now too.
Ross How many of those pills did she take?
Chandler Well she was on the increased dosage for two days before I finally called in about it, and she's right, that guy is a prick.
Rachel Huh, weird.
Chandler So Rachel, I heard that you ate terrorist popcorn?
Rachel Oh God, has everyone heard about that?
Ross Yes, yes we have. And we all feel for you.
Phoebe What'd you do with the bag? Because you know, if it were me, I would have like kept it or donated it to a museum or something.
Rachel Oh we just threw it out, I couldn't stand keeping it.
Joey But I took pictures though.
Ross You didn't pose my child with it did you?
Chandler Ross, that wouldn't have been a nice thing for even me to say.
Ross Well you don't have children.
(They all brace, and look at Monica, who is strangely unaffected by it all.)
Monica
What?
(They relax.)
Rachel Anyway no, Emma was not posed with our super freaky bag of popcorn, okay?
Joey Yeah, she wouldn't let me.
Rachel You're not supposed to say that!
(A guy at a nearby table is playing with a lighter, and Monica is transfixed by it.)
Chandler Monica? Monica? Hey Monica?
(She finally comes around and looks at him.)
Monica
What?
Chandler Don't you want to give Ross his present.
Monica Oh yes, Ross this is a Pentecost gift for you.
Joey (quietly to Rachel, as he has misheard her) A Pentecostal cell phone?
Phoebe Pentecostal cellophane?
Joey Shrink wrap?!
Monica How'd you guys guess?
Ross What?
Chandler Oh just open it.
(Ross opens the gift and pulls out Ten Commandments cellophane, like you didn't see that coming.)
Ross Wow, this is, wow.
Joey What's Pentecost again?
Ross It's when Moses got the Ten Commandments, or it's when the Holy Spirit came down on the disciples after Easter, depending on religion.
Chandler Yeah we found it at the same place that I got Joey's word of the day toilet paper.
Ross This is, this is-
Chandler Scary?
Ross Yeah, yeah, I'll treasure it though, I think.
Phoebe Just like that bum treasured his penny.
Chandler Worthless penny.
Monica My head kinda hurts.
Chandler Yeah the doctor said that could happen.
Rachel Oh do you want some Excedrin hon?
Chandler That would probably be good. Two while you're at it.
(Rachel digs around in her bag, finds her bottle of Excedrin, and takes out two, then hands them over to Monica.)
Monica Oh wow, these are sorta cute.
Chandler Honey, what are you doing?
Ross Didn't we already tell you that you can't pull off honey? (Ross is playing with his cellophane now, and has a sheet of "You shall have no other Gods before me" and is holding it up to the light)
Monica (puts the Excedrin down on the table and is making them jump over each other) whee! See, they're cute.
Chandler Yes, yes cute, but what are you doing to them? They shouldn't be jumping over each other, they should be jumping into your mouth and down your gullet like good little Excedrin.
Monica They're playing leapfrog.
Chandler Why?
Monica Because they're green, (holds one up) and they have little white bellies!
Chandler Okay, (takes the medicine away from her) now pick up your cup (she does so) and open your mouth (he puts the pills in) now close your mouth, and take a drink, and then swallow. Very good.
Joey Wow, I bet that's kinky in bed.
Rachel Joey!
Ross This is gonna be scary in my fridge stuck all over leftovers.
Closing credits play during Scene 8
Joey is trying out for the part of the movie. There are various extras around as well as a Beautiful Girl.
Casting Lady Okay, you say the line, and then you pull the gun. We have one here unless you brought your own.
Joey Oh I brought my own all right.
Casting Lady Okay let's see what you can do. Go whenever you are ready.
Joey Alright, now I didn't want to have to do this to you, but put your hands up! (He pulls the ugly gun out of a holster at his side, and the Casting Lady starts snickering.) What? What? Did I do something wrong?
Casting Lady No, no, it's just, that gun, where did you get that gun?
Joey At a pawn shop.
Casting Lady Oh I can only imagine why it ended up there.
(Beautiful girl walks over)
Beautiful Girl Well I kinda like it.
Joey How you doin'?
(Mr. T walks in, and puts an arm around Beautiful Girl. He has on lots of gaudy gold jewelry)
Mr. T Roxanne, you ready to go?
Off Joey's eyes getting really big as we fade to black.
Link to the gun: www taurususa com / imagesMain / H_100B5GR jpg Link to the popcorn: www hu mtu edu/ ~jasajdyk / 911popcorn jpg
you'll have to delete the space between the www and the rest of the address and put in a period. Fanfiction dot net is being silly and won't let me put the real links in. These shouldn't be terribly difficult to figure out.