This isn't right.
Her face close to mine, wait, no, she isn't that close, this is just the right distance. For our relationship. She is telling me about stress management, lightly shaking her head every now and then, looking me in the eyes, and something doesn't feel right. She says that she likes it better when I don't wear my helmet, because a part of « my gorgeous face » is missing. She says my eyes are very pretty, with pupils and irises of light blue, as inheritance of death.
I cannot concentrate on what she is saying. I reply distractly, but she doesn't seem to notice anything, fortunately. I do not know what is going on anymore. But there's definitely something wrong, on which I cannot quite put my finger on.
She gives me relationship advices about Rufioh. But Rufioh and I are so far apart already. It happened slowly, month after month, smile after worn out smile. He hangs out a lot with Damara, nowadays. Meenah and Aranea like to gossip about them having a black relationship. For all I know, Damara has violently denied all these rumours. Of course, it hurt a lot in the first times. Rufioh is all my world. Well. Was. Now, I just seem to drown in an ocean of apathic numbness, I feel my consciousness fading oh so easily. It's is not even painful anymore to fake a smile. Now, it comes naturally, I do it all the time. I think they say that I'm selfish.
But there she is, offering me her hand, and salvageing me from the breathtaking cold sea, each time right before I suffocate, ready to lose any sense of interest and joy for anything. She wakes up all my feelings, gently and carefully, and by the end of the night of a whole day spent with her, I feel alive again.
Meulin is truly a good moirail. I cannot figure how I could possibly do the same for her.
She never opens up. She is always cheerful, maybe too much, and carries happiness and wonder where she goes. She is always excited about something, or about nothing. I can picture how she must be hurting inside, in the expression her face takes when she sees Kurloz, in the way she sometimes falls silent in an excited conversation, with a gloomy smile, in the way everything about her always seem « too much ». The truth is that she probably doesn't trust me.
I got lost in thoughts again. I hate the way she is so close…
« You'll follow my advices, heh Horuss ? Take care. » she says as she turns around and walks away.
Yet so far.
I must be imagining this.
We're sitting in her hive, her head lying on my shoulder. There is litterally nothing unusual about this situation, it wouldn't be weird in any quadrant, it wouldn't be weird between friends (/enemies). Why in the world am I overanalyzing it ? Why in the world do I feel this weird, sort of embarrassed, and stupidly happy at the same time ? I should build myself a robot body (a robody haha) and program it so I stop having feelings that are so uncalled for.
« I'm tired… Meulin murmurs in the silence's stillness.
_ You should probably go to sleep. (But really all I want is her to stay longer.) It is almost dawn.
_ But I want to stay with you. »
This is totally normal. I must be imagining it. Why is it that my mind always twist other people's meanings ?
She looks up to me, and her hands slide on me as she embraces me, now placing her head on my heart. Wether or not she can hear my heart beating way too fast, she doesn't make any comment. I hug her and nervously play with her hair with my right hand, and it feels almost surreal. It shouldn't feel like this. My heart shouldn't feel this flustered and agitated like it sees a millionth possibilities of getting closer to her, that my confused brain cannot fathom.
I must be imagining all of these feelings.
She looks up to me again, and I accentuate my smile for her, hoping it doesn't look as nervous as I am. She also smiles to me tenderly, the kind of smile that makes one feels like he's the most important person in the world. She stops her embrace, putting both her hands on my shoulders sitting on my legs, hers around my waist, her knees to the ground. One of her hands reaches to caress my face, my right cheek, the tip of her thumb stroking my lips as my smile fades.
She leans closer and presses her lips on mine.
A minute later, she gets up.
« I will go to sleep now. Thank you, Horuss. » and she walks away.
Maybe hours later, I fall asleep, without realizing it, in the same spot.
It isn't this weird.
It is not that unusual for moirails to give each other light kisses on the lips, although it is commonly regarded as a red relationship feature. My name is Horuss Zahhak and I am definitely overreading this. Overthinking as well. I shouldn't crave for more, kind of desperately even. I shouldn't have hoped, when it happened, that the kiss would have went further. I cannot stop thinking about it. And I cannot stop picturing lewd things as I do, giving even more in the most forbidden debauchery. I am truly despicable.
But what if she would have opened her mouth ? Tasted my lips ? What if our tongues had met ? How can I possibly give up on thoughts that indulge such a delicious feeling in my whole body ? Even though, for my greatest shame, they also indulge a state of lewd craving for contact that has nothing to do with a platonic relationship ?
Why am I thinking so far and being so gross about just an innocent gesture of pale affection ? Am I… Am I betraying Rufioh ?
Since when am I like this ? Since when do I want her so bad, in that awful and twisted way ? There is no way it can ever happen. And… I do love Rufioh, right ? Questionning my heart, I must at least admit to myself that it answers with nothing else but an immense feeling of desperate apathy and a vague muffled suffering. When did it become like this ?
Am I… Actually red for Meulin ?
No way. It is impossible. I feel nothing but tender affection for her, and the will to protect her and her happiness at all costs. So what if bottling it all up inside is her method of coping ? I will protect her joy until she grows worn out and wishes to share her pain. I want nothing but her happiness. And a red relationship… Definitely wouldn't work for us. It is plain as night.
What about that… Desire ? It is nothing but foolery, nothing but my lewd being acting eternally unsatisfied, and generally being a gross horny horse. There is no way my feelings could be something else but pale for Meulin.
« You and Rufioh should maybe break up. »
She suggests with a playful yet worried tone, trying to be delicate about it.
« But we love each oth… I love him. I cannot possibly think of parting ways.
_ Horuss, it might not please you, but as your meowrail, I am starting to know you well. And you should admit that your relationship is deader than Cronus' quadrantlife.
_ But…
_ No buts. I mean, I'm not forcing you to break up or anything. But at least you should do something ? Rufioh is probably either waiting for you to forget you ever had a relationship, or torturing himself to find how to tell you goodbye. »
I feel my smile drop as she ends her sentence.
« Oh, Horuss, I'm so sorry.
_ Do not be. You're right. I just… Do not understand. It was… So wonderful. I remember the feelings well. How could have they disappeared ?
_ It happens. Relationships are not made to obligatorily last forever. They are made to enjoy every moment spent together, as long as we are with each other. »
She becomes silent right after saying that, embarrassedly turning her face away. I feel emotionally drained, maybe because the topic is about things I'm so confused about. I cannot quite keep myself from replying.
« You will get tired of me too, even if it's not like with Rufioh. I guess I just have that effect on people.
_ It is not true !
_ I seem interesting or whatever at first, but as they get to know me, they discover that I'm not. I have limited interests. I always talk about the same things. There is nothing more to me.
_ Horuss, shut up ! Why the hell did you turn this conversation into self depreciating bullshit ? You gotta be confident if you want to achieve stuff. Stay positive !
_ I'm sorry.
_ I want to see you smile again.
_ Here you go. (I try to give a convincing one.)
_ Better. You gotta be positive. PAW-SI-TIVE. »
At some times, it is hard to see the point of being positive. It is hard to see the point of faking a smile all the time. Now is one of these times. But I will try to be positive, and smile, for her. It also helps her when I have a good mindset. She truly believes it can help me, maybe because this is what works for her. So I will fake it « 'til I believe it » as she says.
It is a warm night, so she turns on the fan of her hive – we spend a lot of time there – and approaches me to sit on my lap.
« Is your relationship problems with Rufioh bothering you to that extent ? You've lost so much confidence lately.
_ It's not like that, I… I've always been this way. But Rufioh made me feel different. Was making me feel different, I guess. So much things have changed (starting with imagining a possible relationship with a lowblood – but can it still be relevant when there are only so few of us left now?) but I was like this before my relationship with him.
_ And this apathy gaining on you ? Has it always been this way too ? Or is it your player aspect ?
_ I… Do not know. (She looks concerned, in a tender way, which is weirdly confusing.)
_ I am not doing a good pale job, am I ? What do I have to do to reach your heart ?
_ My… My heart is already yours. »
What… WHAT IN BEFORUS DID I SAY. Alright, calm down, this is not thaaaat weird. It sounds oddly red but it can pass as pale affection. Right ? Right. I do not know anymore.
She places a hand on my heart, the one actually beating again way too fast in my chest. I hope I am not sweating too much. The night is definitely way too hot, even with the fan on.
« It is just as far as I can reach it. She whispers.
_ It is not true. You… Mean a lot to me, Meulin.
_ You're very important too, Horuss. Maybe… More than anyone. You're the only quadrant that I have filled after all. And you… I didn't think about it, but it is possible someone other than Rufioh stole your red attention ?
_ What ? No, of course not, I-
_ Maybe you just don't know it.
_ There is no way. I would know, right ? After all, when you're red for someone, you want to actually be in a relationship.
_ So I was right ! Who is it ?!
_ What ? Noone.
_ Oh, come on ! It's ship material !
_ Calm down, there is noone for whom I have flushed feelings.
_ Alright, alright. But I am curious. Even if you say you don't want a relationship with this person, do you have questions about what could be your feelings towards them ?
_ No ! I don't have any doubts concerning my feelings.
_ Except for Rufioh. Come on, Horuss.
_ There is nothing to say. Please, leave the topic.
_ Chillax. You know you can tell me everything. (She takes a pause, sighs loudly.) Alright. Let's put it that way. Is there someone you desire ? Like someone that you'd like to spend time with, that makes you nervous and makes your heart race, for no apparent reason ? And that'd you like to possibly pail with ?
_ … (She reads into me like an open book. I don't know if this moiraillegeance was the best idea, in terms of privacy.)
_ So I was right ! Who is it ?!
_ (Aaaah ! Why didn't I just say no ?! I'm really fiddlesticky stupid ! May silly me be doomed !) It's not like that.
_ What does that mean ? Come on, it's obvious there is someone you are interested in. Is it Kurloz ? I could match you up.
_ No, Kurloz is… I don't feel any pity for him.
_ So you hate him ?
_ I don't think so. He has potential, but… Meulin, can't we stop talking about this ? For real, there is noone else important for me but you. »
She keeps quiet for some awkward minutes, looking confused on my lap, then whispers « Sorry », and gives me a short hug. So short that I don't have time to hold her in response, before she looks up to me, and gives me a kiss again, making me freeze instantly.
All the lewd feelings I try to keep buried inside of me seem to come back to life and drive my arms around her, in a hug that keeps her locked to my lips. I want her so much. This isn't right. This is so wrong. So despicable. She will feel it, she will feel how just a silly touch of lips turns me on. She will hate me for real. Releasing her, I break the contact and stand up very fast, putting her on her feet on the floor.
Oh no. Why did I have to act so weird ? She is going to be ovbiously concerned now. What did I do ? I do nothing but to mess up everything I do, every each of my relationship. Why can't I do anything right ever ?
« Horuss, what's wrong ? »
Phew, she doesn't seem to have noticed anything. Pheeeeeeew.
« Do you dislike the kisses so much ? You should have told me.
_ No, that's not it. I… (I could say it makes me think of Rufioh. But that's a lie. But I don't have any other idea. Quick, lie already!) It just…
_ So you like them ?
_ Yes, but I…
_ Horuss, hush. »
She cups my face into her hands, and kisses my cheeks multiple times. This is comforting, and when she takes a break, I slowly let myself fall to sit on the floor, totally confused. What is wrong with me ? She sits on me again, well, not exactly sits, more like kneels around my legs. I shouldn't feel like she is being too close. Why do I want her so much ? How is it even allowed. Wake up, Horuss Zahhak. It is not. Not allowed. She is your moirail, for horses' sake.
« If you like them, it is ok if I give you some, right ? There is nothing wrong with it. »
She gives me a very quick and innocent kiss on the lips again. I feel mesmerized.
« You know I'd do a lot to make you feel good.
_ Meulin, s- »
She silences me with another kiss, but this one is longer, and pushing harder on my lips. How could I possibly resist her ? She puts her hands around my neck, thumbs stroking my cheeks, and opening her mouth a little, kisses my lower lip, pushing on the upper one to get my mouth to open. There we are now, kissing like red lovers. And… Her tongue tastes incredible. This situation is unforgivable. How did it even happen ? And why does it make me so happy ?
Pulling my face down, still locked to my lips, Meulin sits on my lap, her legs embracing mine, and more than probably feeling the result of our making out in my pants. We keep kissing passionately for long minutes, and I feel like I would have no problem if it was what I would be going to do for the rest of my eternity. But she finally pulls away from me, short of breath. All I want to do is embrace her and kiss her some more. I want more. Will I ever be satisfied with something ? We've already gone too far. Meulin smiles at me.
« Did it make you feel better ?
_ (I remain speechless a bit before I manage to stutter an answer.) Y-Yes.
_ Good. I want nothing but your happiness, Horuss.
_ I… Thank you… I want your happiness too, more than anything else in the world. It is true.
_ I know. »