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Searching Blindly
Summary: Lily may not be the most popular, the skinniest, the most out- going, or the prettiest, but she prides herself on being smart. But when she decides to change her life, the ones who picked on her can't help but be amazed. But Lily had been through too much. Especially after struggling with anorexia. But Lily knew them at their worst and isn't accepting that now they are sorry. For her, it doesn't work that way.
Rating: PG-13 for swearing
((Swearing is just a habit. I use it to accenuate points. *Shrugs*))
Disclaimer: Not mine!
Author's Note: I'm starting this on a whim because I love fics where Lily isn't perfect and there aren't enough that are realistic! It drives me crazy! So This is what I'm starting now!
Also, I've never seen a fic with Lily being anorexic. After going through anorexia myself, and seeing so many of my friends struggling with the same battles, I wanted to write something about it.
IF ANY OF YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH ANOREXIA AND DON'T FEEL LIKE I REPRESENT IT CORRECTLY, LET ME KNOW. I CAN'T REPRESENT EVERYONE'S VIEWPOINTS AND FOR YOU IT MAY HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT. BUT THIS WAS HOW IT WAS FOR ME.
)
Chapter One
She sat in the Gryffindor common room, surrounded by laughter and animated conversations, but she was away from it all. She was in a corner, far away from the people she now knew she couldn't trust. She observed them, as she always did, a slight envy touching her mind. Shaking her head, she pushed that emotion away. She knew what they were like. Caught up in appearances and how much money you had. The Marauders, as they were known, sat in the center of all the confusion and excitement.
Lily Evans smiled ruefully. The crowd of girls that generally surrounded them was still there, and as always she was relieved that she was not one of them. Oh yes, she had been through that. She closed her book and walked up into her dormitory. It was empty, all of the other inhabitants down in the common room. She walked into the bathroom and looked into the mirror.
Her bright red hair fanned out behind her and her brilliant green eyes were hidden by glasses. She sighed in despair as she glanced at her figure. How was she ever supposed to change the world looking like a cow? She thought with scorn as she examined her very chubby body. It signified indulgence. She turned away in disgust and quickly left the room.
She quickly lay down in her bed. Summer was coming. Three whole months away from this school and these people. That was what she needed. She viewed the ceiling above her. A lot could happen within two months. Revenge even could be accomplished.
She rolled over again. Yes, she made better marks than them and yes, she would probably eventually have a better job than them. But they would always be prettier than her. They would always have the bodies she wanted. They would always have her one-uped, no matter how important brains were. The way you looked was your first appearance. Indulgence was a weakness and weakness' were not to be tolerated. Those words had been drilled into her head since she was a child. "Don't be weak, Lily." Her father had intoned. "A weakness is a weapon in an ememy's hands." Now she believed him. But how to change?
Oh of course, she knew about dieting. She knew you had to want it badly in order to succeed. Now, more than ever, she wanted it. Summer was an opportunity, she decided. A chance to change herself for once and for all. She would never again be called Chubby, and if that nickname stuck, than it would be a joke.
That of course was her biggest reason of hating the Marauders. After calling her that for years, many people actually only knew her as Chubby. That and the pranks they had played on her, ranging from changing the color of her robes and her hair to having the words 'lighter than a tree or atleast some trees' fly around her head. Once they had changed her robes into one of those shirts that muggles sometimes wore, with the perfect body on them. Her mind burned with fury at the thought of the many things they had done to her.
A week more of school, she thought. She would begin it all tomorrow. When school started after the summer, she would be more than ready.
~*~
The next day in Charms, she doodled on her notebook. This time though, it was not birds and chipmonks, but now it was calories. She figured the calculations in her mind and scribbled them down. 3,500 calories in a pound, burning atleast 1,000 calories a day. That would be one pound lost every 3.5 days. More if she worked hard. 2 pounds a week, twelve weeks a summer. Approximately 25 pounds. 30 if she worked hard and was lucky.
In the midst of her calculations, someone tapped her on her shoulder. She quickly covered the writing and whirled around. James Potter stood there with the rest of the Marauders, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, and Remus Lupin.
"Chubby," James started, "We were wondering if you could help us with this charm-"
Lily's eyes narrowed and she stood up and started walking off. "What's her real name again?" James whispered. "Lola maybe." She heard someone reply.
"Lola," James followed her, "Really, you're the only one who is talented enough to be able to do it." She rolled her eyes and walked faster. Lola? After ruining her life, they couldn't even bother to remember her name. She had been with them for four years. And now he had the nerve to try to flatter her? Who did he think she was? Some retard who would fawn all over him just for talking to her?
"That was smooth, Prongs." She heard snickering behind her and she walked into the distance. God, she hoped they hadn't seen what she was writing.
At lunch, she picked absently at a salad. Bertha Jorkins, leaned across the table. "Lily, is that all you're eating? You didn't even eat a thing at breakfast!" Lily tried to look sickly. "I just don't feel well," she lied.
Her father, Charles Evans, was a lawyer. The best. If his client was guilty, no one would know until it was too late. He could lie better than anyone she had ever met. Luckily she had picked that skill up from him. When she was hurting, the rest of the world didn't need to know. It was a very useful skill.
She quickly tallied up the day so far. 20 calories for that stick of gum around breakfast, 70 for the juice, 40 for the salad. Only 130 calories! Now she could eat a regular dinner, as long as she didn't break 500.
~*~
Four days later, school was about to end. She smiled as she tossed her belongings into her trunk, ignoring her roommates as they chattered endlessly.
She was very proud of herself for the past week, but longed for a muggle scale. She wanted to know how she was actually doing. She felt so strong! Eating only one full meal a day showed her what she could do. She finally controlled part of her life.
She leaned back against her wall, a daydream filling her mind. She walked into a room, looking stunning. Her 5'9" frame was lean and willowy, but had curves in all of the right places. The Marauders looked up at her with awe, and she walked past them, rolling her eyes.
She was jolted out of her daydream by her roommate, Ananda Pruett. "Chubby!" She said angrily. "Move! I need to get my stuff out of the closet too!"
Lily got up and walked away. When she was beautiful and smart, she wouldn't care what these people thought. She wouldn't care at all.
~*~
As she boarded the Hogwarts Express, she searched for an empty compartment. Finding one near the back, she sat down in it. Later, as the rest of the school boarded, Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy, walked into her compartment. "Fatty!" Lucius said with false happiness. "I'm so glad you're here! Now move!" He smiled and then let it drop so he could glare at her.
"Hey, leave off." A masculine voice sounded from the hall. She looked up in surprise. Remus Lupin entered the room. After a few brief words that Lily was too amazed to listen too, Snape and Malfoy left. Remus sat down beside her.
"Listen, Lily. I know that we haven't been nice to you and I understand how you must feel about us." His eyes met hers, and she could tell he was serious. "Well, you have the wrong idea about the guys, but I know where you got it. I wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry about it all. I know what it is to be treated like dirt." He gave her a quick hug. "I'm sorry."
He left and she looked after him in surprise. That was..odd. She couldn't help but wonder what he meant, saying that he understood.
The ride flew by, her mind filled with thoughts about how life could be and how she should lose so much weight. The train pulled to a stop and as she exited, Remus caught her eye and smiled. She walked over to her parents car. Her mother hugged her and her father gave her a scornful glance. Her weakness was obvious to him. She thought sadly. But it would be gone soon. She would be strong enough to defeat it.
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Searching Blindly
Summary: Lily may not be the most popular, the skinniest, the most out- going, or the prettiest, but she prides herself on being smart. But when she decides to change her life, the ones who picked on her can't help but be amazed. But Lily had been through too much. Especially after struggling with anorexia. But Lily knew them at their worst and isn't accepting that now they are sorry. For her, it doesn't work that way.
Rating: PG-13 for swearing
((Swearing is just a habit. I use it to accenuate points. *Shrugs*))
Disclaimer: Not mine!
Author's Note: I'm starting this on a whim because I love fics where Lily isn't perfect and there aren't enough that are realistic! It drives me crazy! So This is what I'm starting now!
Also, I've never seen a fic with Lily being anorexic. After going through anorexia myself, and seeing so many of my friends struggling with the same battles, I wanted to write something about it.
IF ANY OF YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH ANOREXIA AND DON'T FEEL LIKE I REPRESENT IT CORRECTLY, LET ME KNOW. I CAN'T REPRESENT EVERYONE'S VIEWPOINTS AND FOR YOU IT MAY HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT. BUT THIS WAS HOW IT WAS FOR ME.
)
Chapter One
She sat in the Gryffindor common room, surrounded by laughter and animated conversations, but she was away from it all. She was in a corner, far away from the people she now knew she couldn't trust. She observed them, as she always did, a slight envy touching her mind. Shaking her head, she pushed that emotion away. She knew what they were like. Caught up in appearances and how much money you had. The Marauders, as they were known, sat in the center of all the confusion and excitement.
Lily Evans smiled ruefully. The crowd of girls that generally surrounded them was still there, and as always she was relieved that she was not one of them. Oh yes, she had been through that. She closed her book and walked up into her dormitory. It was empty, all of the other inhabitants down in the common room. She walked into the bathroom and looked into the mirror.
Her bright red hair fanned out behind her and her brilliant green eyes were hidden by glasses. She sighed in despair as she glanced at her figure. How was she ever supposed to change the world looking like a cow? She thought with scorn as she examined her very chubby body. It signified indulgence. She turned away in disgust and quickly left the room.
She quickly lay down in her bed. Summer was coming. Three whole months away from this school and these people. That was what she needed. She viewed the ceiling above her. A lot could happen within two months. Revenge even could be accomplished.
She rolled over again. Yes, she made better marks than them and yes, she would probably eventually have a better job than them. But they would always be prettier than her. They would always have the bodies she wanted. They would always have her one-uped, no matter how important brains were. The way you looked was your first appearance. Indulgence was a weakness and weakness' were not to be tolerated. Those words had been drilled into her head since she was a child. "Don't be weak, Lily." Her father had intoned. "A weakness is a weapon in an ememy's hands." Now she believed him. But how to change?
Oh of course, she knew about dieting. She knew you had to want it badly in order to succeed. Now, more than ever, she wanted it. Summer was an opportunity, she decided. A chance to change herself for once and for all. She would never again be called Chubby, and if that nickname stuck, than it would be a joke.
That of course was her biggest reason of hating the Marauders. After calling her that for years, many people actually only knew her as Chubby. That and the pranks they had played on her, ranging from changing the color of her robes and her hair to having the words 'lighter than a tree or atleast some trees' fly around her head. Once they had changed her robes into one of those shirts that muggles sometimes wore, with the perfect body on them. Her mind burned with fury at the thought of the many things they had done to her.
A week more of school, she thought. She would begin it all tomorrow. When school started after the summer, she would be more than ready.
~*~
The next day in Charms, she doodled on her notebook. This time though, it was not birds and chipmonks, but now it was calories. She figured the calculations in her mind and scribbled them down. 3,500 calories in a pound, burning atleast 1,000 calories a day. That would be one pound lost every 3.5 days. More if she worked hard. 2 pounds a week, twelve weeks a summer. Approximately 25 pounds. 30 if she worked hard and was lucky.
In the midst of her calculations, someone tapped her on her shoulder. She quickly covered the writing and whirled around. James Potter stood there with the rest of the Marauders, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, and Remus Lupin.
"Chubby," James started, "We were wondering if you could help us with this charm-"
Lily's eyes narrowed and she stood up and started walking off. "What's her real name again?" James whispered. "Lola maybe." She heard someone reply.
"Lola," James followed her, "Really, you're the only one who is talented enough to be able to do it." She rolled her eyes and walked faster. Lola? After ruining her life, they couldn't even bother to remember her name. She had been with them for four years. And now he had the nerve to try to flatter her? Who did he think she was? Some retard who would fawn all over him just for talking to her?
"That was smooth, Prongs." She heard snickering behind her and she walked into the distance. God, she hoped they hadn't seen what she was writing.
At lunch, she picked absently at a salad. Bertha Jorkins, leaned across the table. "Lily, is that all you're eating? You didn't even eat a thing at breakfast!" Lily tried to look sickly. "I just don't feel well," she lied.
Her father, Charles Evans, was a lawyer. The best. If his client was guilty, no one would know until it was too late. He could lie better than anyone she had ever met. Luckily she had picked that skill up from him. When she was hurting, the rest of the world didn't need to know. It was a very useful skill.
She quickly tallied up the day so far. 20 calories for that stick of gum around breakfast, 70 for the juice, 40 for the salad. Only 130 calories! Now she could eat a regular dinner, as long as she didn't break 500.
~*~
Four days later, school was about to end. She smiled as she tossed her belongings into her trunk, ignoring her roommates as they chattered endlessly.
She was very proud of herself for the past week, but longed for a muggle scale. She wanted to know how she was actually doing. She felt so strong! Eating only one full meal a day showed her what she could do. She finally controlled part of her life.
She leaned back against her wall, a daydream filling her mind. She walked into a room, looking stunning. Her 5'9" frame was lean and willowy, but had curves in all of the right places. The Marauders looked up at her with awe, and she walked past them, rolling her eyes.
She was jolted out of her daydream by her roommate, Ananda Pruett. "Chubby!" She said angrily. "Move! I need to get my stuff out of the closet too!"
Lily got up and walked away. When she was beautiful and smart, she wouldn't care what these people thought. She wouldn't care at all.
~*~
As she boarded the Hogwarts Express, she searched for an empty compartment. Finding one near the back, she sat down in it. Later, as the rest of the school boarded, Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy, walked into her compartment. "Fatty!" Lucius said with false happiness. "I'm so glad you're here! Now move!" He smiled and then let it drop so he could glare at her.
"Hey, leave off." A masculine voice sounded from the hall. She looked up in surprise. Remus Lupin entered the room. After a few brief words that Lily was too amazed to listen too, Snape and Malfoy left. Remus sat down beside her.
"Listen, Lily. I know that we haven't been nice to you and I understand how you must feel about us." His eyes met hers, and she could tell he was serious. "Well, you have the wrong idea about the guys, but I know where you got it. I wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry about it all. I know what it is to be treated like dirt." He gave her a quick hug. "I'm sorry."
He left and she looked after him in surprise. That was..odd. She couldn't help but wonder what he meant, saying that he understood.
The ride flew by, her mind filled with thoughts about how life could be and how she should lose so much weight. The train pulled to a stop and as she exited, Remus caught her eye and smiled. She walked over to her parents car. Her mother hugged her and her father gave her a scornful glance. Her weakness was obvious to him. She thought sadly. But it would be gone soon. She would be strong enough to defeat it.