A/N: You wouldn't think it, but posting this story has been a long process. It's been seven months since I started writing it. I hated it but was going to post it anyway. Then, I decided to completely scrap it and start over. I realized that I was both writing about the wrong moment and that the song worked better for a story in Magnus' POV (I'd been trying to write in Alec's). That was a month and a half ago. I want to thank CristinaHelena, who beta read that original version of the story that I threw away. I also want to thank , who beta read this newer version.
Even if everything ends when I open my eyes,
You are right next to me right now.
— Stuck by Miss A
The rain couldn't have made the mood of the city gloomier that night. Every Shadowhunter in the city seemed to have lost someone, which meant few people out and about in the streets. It was the first time Magnus could remember walking through Alicante and not receiving even one glare off someone who loathed his existence.
Maybe what was happening was a sign that things could change. Maybe the Shadowhunters would realize that the Downworlders were fighting with them—not against them—for once, and this generation would bring about lasting change when it came to Shadowhunter-Downworlder relations.
Magnus had enough experience to know it was doubtful, but it was a piece of hope to hang onto when everything else was falling apart.
His clothes had become saturated from the rain, and Magnus couldn't be bothered to use magic to solve the problem. He trudged along, taking in his surroundings now that he was able to without anyone questioning his intentions.
Magnus had told himself a long time ago that he would no longer develop feelings that were doomed to future heartbreak. But he'd hardly known Max Lightwood, and here he was, mourning the boy.
All because Magnus knew how much the boy's death was affecting Alec. Yet that only went to illustrate how far Magnus had gotten himself tangled in something he hadn't thought he'd wanted. He'd broken every rule he had set for himself in the past hundred years.
Magnus had held every intention of living the rest of his long life alone, and then Alexander Lightwood had walked into his apartment, one single figure in the crowd but standing out in a way that only Alexander could manage.
On that fateful day, Magnus had been admiring the crowd that he'd managed to draw in. Those parties were a source of pride. He should have cared less about appearing powerful when he'd already managed to become High Warlock of Brooklyn, but the position came with certain responsibilities. Some imposed on him by others and some imposed by Magnus himself. The most important of them all, in Magnus' mind, was to be cooler than everyone else.
That was what that party had been about when he'd organized it. Yes, Magnus enjoyed a good party just for a good party's sake, but there was a reason he put as much effort into them as he did. It was a form of advertisement. It got him talked about, and the more he was talked about, the more business he received.
There weren't many business models that could beat it when it came to the personal enjoyment that Magnus managed to get out of it.
Among the other perks—and there were plenty of other perks—was getting to know a wide variety of Downworlders. Magnus wouldn't claim to know every Downworlder in New York City, but he would claim to know any Downworlder of significance and quite a few more. He had made it his business to have something on everyone who stepped into his parties at least once, and his long lifespan had only made his memory stronger, not weaker. At least where it mattered.
When the five teenagers appeared at the door of the apartment, Magnus noticed them because it was his job to notice them. They stood out among the Downworlders who had already filled the place. The runes, certainly, were a dead giveaway, but the uncomfortable looks on their faces were another. First time guests always looked curious when they entered, but this particular group had sparked a different curiosity.
It had been easy enough for Magnus to pick out the mundane, although he couldn't figure out how a mundane had wound up alongside four Shadowhunters. At the time, he had guessed that it had to do with one of the other uninvited guests: Clary Fray. Also a Shadowhunter, although she had been unaware of it the last time Magnus had heard anything of her. Magnus hadn't been surprised when he'd seen her—unless you counted the initial surprise as he recognized her—because he'd known that she'd figure it out in time whether Jocelyn told her the truth or not.
No, he hadn't been surprised that Clary had managed to find herself some Shadowhunters to latch onto. He had been a little, if not very, surprised that this group of Shadowhunters had managed to wind up in his loft in Brooklyn with Clary in tow. Looking back on it, maybe he shouldn't have been. It was difficult, after everything that had happened, for Magnus not to believe that that night had been played by Fate, a force Magnus had always doubted the existence of.
Magnus always inspected new guests. Unless someone was shown from first glance to be worth little, Magnus would observe them. You didn't make connections by ignoring potential new ones. That was the reason—or at least the excuse—for why he kept such a close eye on them after letting them in.
Keeping old connections was also a delicate process, and Magnus had been confident that night that Jocelyn Fray had no idea about the whereabouts of her daughter, even if he hadn't yet known Jocelyn's fate. He knew he had felt an obligation to make sure Clary hadn't wound up with the wrong sort, if one could divide wrong and right sorts when it came to Shadowhunters.
Maybe he had also felt fondness for the girl he had watched grow up. Magnus knew he felt that fondness after getting to know a Clary who didn't forget him, and he was willing to bet that it had been there even when he didn't want to acknowledge it. Despite having watched Clary grow up, she'd had no recollection of who he was when she walked into his loft that night, making any sort of attachment on his part strange for the both of them. He had resolved to keep his distance, at least emotionally speaking.
At first, his attention was nothing more than a means of monitoring Clary, but then the blue-eyed boy had managed to capture his attention. He'd been striking when he first appeared, but as Magnus watched, he managed to capture Magnus' attention in a way others had failed to for decades. Alec's eyes were a gorgeous shade of blue, the kind you didn't come across often. But it wasn't just that. Those eyes held another quality that you had to look for, one not as easily put into words.
From the start, Alec hadn't given off the air of arrogance that Jace did. Those blue eyes were glancing about the room as if he wished to be anywhere but at Magnus' party. Magnus had seen the reactions in the boy's eyes whenever his gaze flickered past Magnus, but his eyes hadn't lingered long in those initial glances. Alec's eyes remained on the floor more than anything or on Jace's back as the group made their way through the crowd.
He had been intimidated by Magnus. That much had been obvious then and there, and knowing Alec as well has he did now, Magnus knew it had been true. He just hadn't been certain then of why it was true. Now he knew how overwhelming and scary he had been to Alec in that party. Just as Alec would become to him in the days that followed.
But even then, Magnus had known this wasn't the intimidation that many people experienced in his presence. Magnus couldn't have been certain, but he had quessed that Alec wasn't intimidated by the powers of the High Warlock of Brooklyn. That couldn't have accounted for the light blush on his cheeks that had him looking even more gorgeous than he had before his eyes had made contact with Magnus' for a brief second.
That night it had been difficult for Magnus to get Alec to make eye contact with him, let alone anything more. If it had been anyone else, Magnus would not have found them worth the effort, especially with his resolution to distance himself from potential lovers.
Yet there had always been something different about Alexander Lightwood, and even in those first moments, as Alec tried to deal with receiving attention he wasn't used to to receiving from anyone, Magnus had known that much.
That night should have been the last time Magnus let himself think about Alec. Magnus shouldn't have been bothered by the blue-eyed boy again. He was a Shadowhunter; Magnus was a warlock. If ever two species had been incompatible, it was theirs, and Magnus had never expected to fall for a Shadowhunter. In fact, he'd been so sure he never would that he hadn't made it a rule for himself. Combine that with the longing looks that Alec had been throwing towards Jace that night and the way Alec was still locking himself away from the world, and Magnus shouldn't have gotten involved in a relationship sure to be dramatic and full of teenage angst. Such things didn't appeal to him anymore. They hadn't for a long time.
When word that Alec had been injured by a demon—that he could die—had reached Magnus, it had been a shock. Magnus hadn't understood why. Alec was angelic enough that Magnus hadn't forgotten that he was a Shadowhunter. Putting yourself into dangerous positions with demons was what being a Shadowhunter entailed. More than a few Shadowhunters died from the very thing that had nearly taken Alec's life that night.
Yet Magnus had reacted so strongly to the news that it scared him. He didn't have time to sit down and process his actions as he hurried to the Institute and did everything in his power to save Alec's life.
It hadn't been until Alec was safe and Magnus was back home in the quiet of his loft that Magnus could begin to scold himself for developing feelings for an in-the-closet, in-love-with-his-straight-best-friend Shadowhunter. It wouldn't have taken Magnus' centuries of life to know that nothing good could come from such feelings.
That was why it had been such a shock when Alec appeared at Magnus' door for the first time after that night. And he'd acted even more clumsy and adorable (how the hell did Magnus find everything he did adorable?) than he'd ever been in Magnus' presence before, and by God, Magnus had known he was screwed. There had been no way around it. He was agreeing to a date before he was able to convince himself of how terrible an idea it was, and he was kissing Alec and feeling too many feelings for him to sort it all out.
He was screwed. Magnus couldn't remember the last time he had gotten himself into such a dangerous position, and he didn't mean physically. Actually, he'd never gotten himself into such a dangerous position because he'd never felt anything like what Alexander made him feel.
Every single day he was in deeper than he had been before.
That might have been part of the problem. It had been so long since Magnus had fallen in love. He had convinced himself that was the only reason his feelings for Alec were as strong as they were. The feelings couldn't actually be stronger than anything Magnus had felt before. It was only that he had become unused to such feelings after pushing them aside for a century. That was all. For a while he had refused to entertain the idea of a Shadowhunter rousing stronger feelings in him than he had ever experienced. A relationship between a Downworlder and a Shadowhunter could never work.
Yet even as Magnus thought that, he was smiling at Alec, flirting with him, and planning the perfect date to make Alec fall for him just as hard. His stomach fluttered when they kissed, and once Alec had left, Magnus couldn't wipe the grin off his face or the daydreams from his mind. He hated that he couldn't hate himself for it.
But even then, Magnus had a strong suspicion that Alexander Lightwood was going to ruin him. He just wasn't able to see how.
For the first several months, their relationship progressed as well as Magnus had thought it would when he first set eyes on Alec and saw the turmoil within the Shadowhunter. Interactions only occurred in secret, and Magnus was left unsure what, exactly, their relationship was to Alec.
For all of Magnus' intentions to never get wrapped up in something dramatic again, he was living it with no intention of backing out. He was too far gone, too wrapped up in the wonder that was Alec to leave, even as he became more and more convinced that he was setting himself up for heartbreak.
It hadn't taken long for Magnus to realize that he was done for. The fight had left him quickly. Magnus was too infatuated and, eventually, in love to put up much resistance.
Even now, feeling Alec's own hurt at the death of his brother, Magnus wouldn't have changed his feelings. He could never wish for such a thing. Not when loving Alexander was as wonderful as it was difficult.
However, the fact of the matter was that Magnus did hurt with Alec, and that hurt wasn't going away. It wasn't going away because he knew that Alec's heartbreak wasn't going away, and Magnus couldn't get to him to help make it better, even in small, almost inconsequential ways.
Alec had promised Magnus that he would reveal their relationship to his family if they both made it through the fight.
They had. Max hadn't. Magnus would never blame Alec for becoming distracted, for the reveal of their relationship—sure to stir up his family and the entire Clave—not being the first thing on his mind.
What frustrated him in that moment was no longer that Alec was keeping him a secret. What frustrated him was that the secret kept him from being there when Alec needed him most.
That was what hurt him now. Well, that and being a secret. That did continue to sting if he dwelled on it, but that didn't matter at the moment. Alec's own heartbreak was of far more concern than Magnus'. Whatever problems there were between him and Alec, they could resolve it in time. Alec didn't have any time left with Max, and Magnus had more than enough experience with death to know how Alec had to be feeling. Even if Magnus had never had any siblings of his own.
At least not any that he would label as siblings. It was difficult to think of your half siblings as siblings when you were a warlock, whether you were fathered by the same demon or not. It didn't seem to mean much.
The house that Magnus knew the Lightwoods were staying at came into view. Light shone from the windows, but Magnus had no way of knowing who was in what room. He stood in the shadows across the street, sure to catch abuse from any Shadowhunters who happened to notice him. But there were none on this street at the moment.
Knowing how close but unattainable Alec was only left Magnus feeling more alone. He'd thought he was getting better at accepting that feeling, but Alec had made it harder. Almost as if Magnus had never hardened his heart in the first place.
Maybe he hadn't. Maybe that was only a lie he had told himself to make his immortality easier to handle.
With an internal sigh, Magnus tugged his phone out of his pocket. He'd been looking at it constantly since Max's death, wanting to use it to contact Alec but knowing it was impossible. There were no cell phone towers in Idris. With a growl of frustration, Magnus stowed the phone back in his pocket.
As he stared at the house, nothing changed. Maybe the quiet of Alicante was influencing him, but Magnus could imagine a stiff, quiet atmosphere inside the house as well. With everyone mourning but not sure how to turn to each other for comfort. Alec mourning and not having anyone there for him because the others, even his parabatai and sister, were too concerned with their own grief.
Magnus needed to get to Alec some way or another. At this point, there was a strong temptation to go knock on the door no matter what the consequences, but Magnus knew that such a thing would get him in too much trouble. Besides, he would never do such a thing to Alec. Especially during a time when he was least equipped to deal with the fall out.
For the first time that night, there was a movement in the shadows. Magnus stiffened, on edge in a place such as Idris on the best of days let alone when the wards had just been breached.
His senses could never be as highly tuned as a Shadowhunter's, no matter now many years he lived. Perhaps that was why Alec was able to surprise him.
Because the figure in the shadows was Alec. Magnus realized as much a split second after he'd noticed that someone was there. His cat eyes focused on the dark hair and the familiar build walking towards him from the house, shoulders slumped and face frowning in a way that made it clear that things weren't okay with him.
Magnus reached a hand out before Alec was across the street, knowing it was dangerous but being unable to stop himself. Alec looked around for potential spies, and Magnus felt his heart lurch at the action before he tried to push it from his mind.
It wasn't what was important.
Alec did take the plunge of clutching Magnus' hand, though he tugged Magnus back into the shadows as soon as he did so. They wouldn't be spotted by someone casually throwing a glance out their window, but they could still be seen by anyone who bothered to look long enough or was walking down the street. Magnus couldn't help but believe that meant something. It had to. The Alec of the past would have never been this daring.
As soon as Magnus felt his hope running out, Alec always managed to rekindle it. That was the one thing that kept Magnus going. Kept him trying.
"How did you know I was out here?" Magnus asked. Though he'd posed the question, he was far more interested in inspecting Alec than paying close attention to the answer. He inspected every inch of Alec that he could see, even running his hands up and down Alec's arms as if he would encounter physical wounds.
Alec blushed at the attention, looking away as Magnus felt goose bumps erupt along his skin from Magnus' touch.
"I saw you out the window," Alec explained, doing his best to ignore the way Magnus was inspecting him.
Magnus raised an eyebrow, prompting Alec to elaborate. "I happened to be looking outside," Alec continued. "And I saw you over here."
Magnus didn't lower his eyebrow, but he didn't say anything either. It felt too good to be true that Alec had been looking out the window and happened to see him, but then again, Alexander Lightwood managed to surprise Magnus far more often than anyone else ever had.
"Why are you here though?" Alec asked, looking at Magnus with his brow furrowed in confusion.
"I'm sorry," Magnus said, feeling like the only thing to do was apologize. "I know I shouldn't have come, but I've been unable to stop worrying about you, Alexander."
Alec grew sheepish again, like he did when Magnus showed overt affection, but he also shook his head and said, "Don't apologize. I'm happy to see you."
The confession left his cheeks burning brighter. Even in the darkness, Magnus could see it. Alec still wasn't used to this. Wasn't used to having someone want him as much as Magnus wanted him. Wasn't used to being able to express his feelings and know that Magnus would reciprocate them, not scoff at him.
With a small, gentle smile, Magnus reached forward to cup Alec's cheek, running his thumb along Alec's cheekbone. Alec shivered at the contact, another aspect of their relationship that he wasn't quite used to. He always reacted strongly when Magnus touched him, and Magnus didn't want that type of reaction to fade over time as the novelty wore off.
"I'm here because I was worried about you," Magnus explained. Alec's eyes widened at the statement, and Magnus wished that he could make sure that Alec knew how truthful he was being.
"I'm a Shadowhunter, Magnus." Alec steeled his voice, attempting to conceal his emotions despite his hesitant openness moments before, and it broke Magnus' heart a little more. "We're used to death. I can handle it."
Magnus dropped his hand from Alec's face, opting instead to wrap both of his arms around Alec's waist, encircling him. Alec came willingly, sighing as his body aligned with Magnus'.
"You're not used to it being your little brother," Magnus said as gently as possible considering the subject. "And I know that you're capable of 'handling it', but that doesn't mean I want you to handle it alone."
Alec closed his eyes for a moment as if taking in the idea that Magnus cared enough to worry and come see him. To hold him. Alec let himself relax for the first time since he'd learned that Max was dead. Closing the miniscule bit of space still between them, Alec buried his face in the crook of Magnus' neck. He took a shaky breath as Magnus' arms tightened around him, making sure he didn't fall as his guards tumbled away.
"Thank you," Alec murmured against Magnus' skin. Despite the sadness and grief, a smile fought its way to Alec's lips as he felt Magnus shiver at the touch of his breath.
"Of course," Magnus replied in an unsteady voice.
It was quiet for a long time, with Magnus continuing to hold Alec in the shadows of the street. There were no tears for a long time, but Alec would shudder against Magnus as if he were holding them in. Magnus couldn't be surprised that Alec would choose to express his grief in such a way, and he gripped him tighter, wanting nothing more than for Alec to know that he was there.
Eventually, there were tears, and Magnus grip grew ever tighter. Even then, the tears didn't last long, with Alec regaining his steady breath and continuing to burrow his face into Magnus' neck.
"I love you, you stupid nephilim," Magnus muttered fondly, unable to stop a smile at that memory that hadn't yet begun to fade.
Alec let out a short, watery laugh at that, and he pulled away far enough to look Magnus in the eyes. His gaze was serious, and it wasn't in a way that hinted at grief. Instead, he locked his gaze on Magnus', and Magnus knew what topic Alec planned to bring up next.
"I am going to do it, you know?" Alec stated, and Magnus was shocked at the determined tone of his voice. A tone that made it all but impossible for Magnus not to believe him. "I know things didn't go as planned when Max…" Magnus lowered his head to let his forehead rest against Alec's, giving Alec time to regain his composure. "I will do it," Alec reiterated. "Maybe not while Mom and Dad are like this, but I do plan to tell them about you." He took in a long, shaky breath. "To tell them how much I care about you and how great you are. I want them to know."
Magnus' heart felt like it was being strangled. He let out what might have been a sob or a laugh. He wasn't quite sure. Alec smiled up at him, showing a fondness that Magnus savored. Closing the space between them, Magnus brought his lips to Alec's, kissing him until he was breathless.
"I look forward to it," Magnus muttered once they'd pulled away. His lips still brushed against Alec's as he spoke, causing shivers to once more wrack Alec's body.
When Alec kissed him very publicly not long after, the kiss didn't hold the same sensuality as the one they had shared that night, but it did hold its own host of emotions that were just as strong.
Each day Alec became more unbelievable to Magnus, but slowly, Magnus was beginning to realize that he could have him. And Alec was proving to him that he would love him just as much.
Nothing in Magnus' centuries of existence had left his heart feeling as free as Alexander Lightwood, and he had a feeling nobody else ever would.