Ninja Centerfold
A Naruto oneshot
By
EvilFuzzy9
Rating: T, for suggestive imagery and a couple instances of harsh language
Genre: Humor/Romance
Characters/Pairings: Karin, Suigetsu, Sasuke, Juugo; [obligatory onesided Karin x Sasuke; briefest hint of Suigetsu x Karin at the end]
Summary: Wherein Karin learns one of the biggest downsides of traveling in a group composed entirely of teenage boys.
"Suigetsu you PERVERT!"
A certain young Uzumaki maiden stormed out of her tent, face a furious shade of red. She stomped over to the campfire, where a certain white-haired swordsman was lazily roasting a quartet of fish.
"What now, woman?" Suigetsu Hozuki grumbled, shooting an irritated glance at his pesky, nagging teammate. "Can't you see I'm trying to make dinner?"
"Who cares about dinner?!" Karin snapped, fuming. "I don't have any appetite after seeing what you left in my sleeping bag!"
She lashed out with her hand, striking Suigetsu on the head with a rolled up magazine. Unusually enough, the Hozuki consciously refrained from letting his flesh turn to water. He simply stared at the magazine for a moment, before his eyes lit up and he snatched it from Karin's hand.
"Oh, so that's where it went," he said, unrolling the magazine. "Maan, thanks for that Karin. I don't know what I would've done if I'd lost my special edition of Hidden Mist Hotties... it's almost impossible to get issues outside of Kiri."
He laughed, leering absentmindedly at the improbably garbed kunoichi on the cover. The only things preserving the model's modesty were a (fake) katana held at just the right angle to cover her nipples, and a Kirigakure hunter-nin mask positioned rather conspicuously between her legs.
Next to her head, bold yellow text proclaimed: Seven Shinobi Sluts! A subtitle beneath that continued with: The Hottest 7 Kunoichi in Kiri... Bare it ALL!
Karin's face went a deeper shade of red, the young woman clenching her fists. Suigetsu cheerfully opened the magazine straight up to the centerfold, letting out a whistle.
"Hot damn," he said, leering at the naked photos of an apparent academy drop-out. "Her face might not be anything special, but that is a niiice pair of—"
"SUIGETSU!" Karin shouted. "How can you read such filth in front of a lady?!"
Suigetsu looked up from his magazine, blinking. He glanced around their campsite, looking left, then right, then straight at Karin.
"I don't see any ladies," he said bluntly. "Just you."
He then turned a page in his magazine, and buried his nose right back in.
Karin snarled in frustration. A vein throbbed dangerously in her forehead.
Juugo chose then to walk into the clearing where they had set up camp, carrying an assortment of nuts and berries in his arms. He meandered over the campfire with long, loping strides.
"How is the main course coming along?" the ginger giant inquired, glancing at the sticks stuck into the ground at an angle, a light smoke curling around four impaled fish.
Suigetsu idly flipped another page in his magazine, absentmindedly humming.
"Mm, yeah, they're cooking up fine..." he mumbled, snickering as he drooled over the lascivious contents of his most prized possession.
Karin glowered at Suigetsu, her cheeks still a bright shade of pink.
"Good-for-nothing pig," she grumbled, sniffing at the cover of the Hozuki's magazine. "That's disgusting."
Juugo frowned, hearing this, and took a whiff for himself.
"Is it?" he said curiously. "It smells pretty good to me."
"Not the fish, Juugo!" Karin snapped. "I'm talking about Suigetsu! Him and his... his... smut!"
She pointed an accusing finger at Suigetsu's skin rag.
Juugo blinked, and cocked his head. Taking a couple of steps closer, he set down his foraged ingredients and bent over to peer at the contents of the aqueous swordsman's contraband.
His cheeks colored.
"Oh. I see," the husky youth said, slowly nodding. "That makes sense."
He trailed off then, staring with obvious fascination at the salacious centerfold Suigetsu was slobbering over.
"...wow," he muttered, wiping a trickle of blood away from his upper lip. "I never knew they could grow that large... how do they even stand with those?"
Suigetsu sneered, a perverted snigger on his lips.
"Who cares about standing?" he said. "Long as they kept those legs spread, I'd let them lie around all they wanted... if you know what I mean!" he added with a wink.
A bit more blood dribbled from Juugo's nostrils.
Karin huffed, turning her back on the two with a scowl.
"Perverts," she muttered darkly. "You two are a DISGRACE to your gender. How Sasuke-kun can stand to have you around, I'll never understand..."
A beat.
The wind blow, and suddenly Karin noticed the Uchiha in question, the raven-haired heart throb appearing in a swirl of leaves.
"Hmph," the self-proclaimed avenger muttered. "No new leads on Itachi..."
He then cast a dark eye over the campsite, his expression stolid.
"Suigetsu, why aren't you keeping a closer eye on those fish?" he inquired, spotting the white-haired Hozuki sniggering over a magazine with his back to the fire. "They look almost done."
Suigetsu waved a hand dismissively.
"Yeah, yeah, I know," he grumbled. "I've got an eye on them, mom."
Juugo looked up, though, and Sasuke saw that the curse seal's originator had a moderate nosebleed, and a clear flush on his cheeks.
"Sasuke, you're back," he said. "Did it go well?"
Karin, despite still being irritated with Juugo and Suigetsu, nonetheless took this chance to chirp and sidle up to her crush.
"Yes, Sasuke-kun," she said with bedroom eyes and an obviously suggestive blush. "How did it go?"
The Uchiha let out a slow breath of air, an action that could have been labeled a sigh had he displayed any overt emotion whilst doing so. His eyebrows knitted together the slightest bit, but otherwise he gave no sign of his inner thoughts.
"There was nothing new to learn," he said lowly.
He chanced a look at the magazine in Suigetsu's hands, then, and his eyes narrowed infinitesimally.
"What is that?" he asked, taking a step toward the pervertedly sniggering Hozuki.
"Hidden Mist Hotties," Suigetsu replied. "The Seven Shinobi Sluts edition."
Karin scowled, reminded of the swordsman's smut. She shot a dark look at Suigetsu, before turning back to Sasuke.
"Can you believe that pervert?" the redhead said. "He's such a—!"
She cut herself off, suddenly realizing that Sasuke was no longer standing in front of her.
"...hn..."
She heard Sasuke's distinctive grunt behind her, from the same direction as Suigetsu and Juugo. Hesitantly, half-hoping to see her crush reprimanding the two for reading such filth out in the open, Karin turned around.
What she saw shattered just a little bit of the mystique surrounding her crush.
Sasuke was sitting on the other side of Suigetsu, staring with an active sharingan and bloody nose at what must have been a very erotic photo to elicit such a fascinated reaction from the famously stoic Uchiha.
In that moment, Karin came to the despairing, frustrated conclusion that men were all the same. With a disgusted huff, she turned around and stormed back into her tent.
Men were such pigs.
Although... Karin ALSO felt a touch of renewed hope in her chances of seducing the once seemingly asexual Uchiha...
...and her following attempt at seducing Sasuke by imitating the girl on that magazine's cover was a complete failure.
Suigetsu was much more appreciative.
A/N: My original intention in writing this was to make an funny, slap-slap-kiss SuiKa oneshot. But the initial idea of Karin finding Suigetsu's porn wound up leading me in a more generally comic direction. Although I did ultimately salvage at least a tiny fraction of my original intent with that last line.
And, actually, it took me a few tries to work those last few lines out. Originally it was just a parenthetical statement about Karin nonetheless later attempting to seduce Sasuke by imitating the girl on the cover of Suigetsu's magazine, but it felt a little overlong to be stuck in parentheses. After a couple attempts at shortening it down to the bare minimum, I took away the parentheses and let it grow into two lines.
The last line was tacked on as a final punchline, as well as basically the only nod to my original intentions of writing a SuiKa oneshot...
Updated: 10-23-14
TTFN and R&R!
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