Title: Completeness
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I do not own Will Young's "Jealousy," and I do not own John Green's anything.
Pairings: None. I mean, this is Remus/Tonks, but it's a friendship, not a romance.
Rating: K+ for slight language.
Warnings: None, unless you are really nitpicky about my characterisations, but honestly that is the risk inherent in every fanfiction.
Summary: To Tonks, Remus Lupin is like heated metal. Malleable, but dangerous to touch. Nonetheless, she is determined to befriend him somehow, despite the fact that she really messed up their first conversation together.
Author's Note: This is my entry for Round One of the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition.
My given pairing was Remus/Tonks, the relationship is friendship, and the optional prompts I have chosen are Will Young's "Jealousy" and John Green's quote, "Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia."
It took me a long time to write this, simply because I am ridiculous and did not understand what I was supposed to do for a long time, but it's finally done! Yay! I hope this makes my captain, CharlotteBlackwood, happy, because I know that this is her OTP, and I would hate to have let her down!
And, um, as for my other stories, I'm still working on them and haven't abandoned them, but I'm on vacation, and it's really hard to get in the mood to write. I'll be back home in July, and then you shall see updates, my lovely and patient readers! *hides from any potential pitchforks and torches*
Remus Lupin was one of those quiet men, Tonks mused, sitting down on the porch next to him. Upon noticing her presence, he turned, smiled slightly, nodded, and turned away again, gazing out at the night sky.
She had only been in the Order for a short while, but she had observed enough about him to get the general gist of the sort of man he was. Intelligent, of course. One only needed to look at his face to figure that out—an ignorant, self-interested man would not be able to look at people the way he did. Tonks got the feeling that Lupin saw people…completely. It was hard to explain, but she felt that when he looked at a person, he didn't just see a few traits such as their hair colour or their sarcastic sense of humour; he saw the person in their entirety, the whole picture, the flaws and strengths and the ways they all connected together to make up that person. If asked to pinpoint how exactly she figured that, well, she probably couldn't tell you specifics. It was just—the way he looked at a person, that's all.
He looked at people like they were people. Not labels, not representations, not a few scattered traits, but people with all their complexities and shifting natures.
This way of viewing people, combined with his knowledgeable air and his apparent interest in books, made Tonks conclude that Lupin was an intelligent person, indeed.
Lupin was also kind, tolerant, and fair. Even though there were some people, both in and out of the Order, who did not really evoke such kindness, Lupin was kind to everyone. He did not start fights or impose his will on anyone. Instead, he listened patiently to what everyone had to say, even when he might not have agreed with them, and if he happened to disagree, he would patiently reason his way through an argument in a way that made most people yield. It was hard not to yield, when Lupin yielded so often. Yet he somehow avoided looking weak at the same time.
Perhaps he was like heated metal—malleable, but dangerous to touch.
That was the hell of it, thought Tonks. He saw people, and he was courteous to them, but there was always that "something else." The danger. The slight distance he seemed to impose, even as he smiled. The distrust—of what?
She stared at him now on the porch, wondering what made him tick.
"Nice night out tonight," she said, slowly reaching out to him. Although she had formally introduced herself to the Order and he had been present, they really hadn't held a conversation with each other before. She didn't really know what to say to him, but she felt the need to try something out.
"I suppose," was his measured out reply. He did not turn away from the night sky.
"I mean," she held out a hand to gesture upwards, "the sky is pretty clear tonight, for once. You can actually see the stars and the moon…I love crescent moons, don't you? Some people like full moons and go on and on about how beautiful they are, but I rather like that C-shape…very subtle and delicate, like you can just reach up and snap that thing to pieces, yet it also has so much strength…"
She stopped babbling and turned to him, realizing that he was suddenly very tense. He still was not looking at her, but his jaw was clenched, and his breathing was shallow.
"I think," he said after a few moments of silence, "I will turn in now. Goodnight, Nymphadora."
He sprang up, twisted, and walked away, his brisk footsteps clacking against the wooden boards.
"It's Tonks!" she called out belatedly, staring at his retreating back in dismay. "Nobody calls me Nymphadora except my mum!"
He made no response, continuing into the house.
She flopped down on the porch and glared at the sky. Stupid sky. For some reason, it had led to her chasing off a potential friend.
Several weeks later, she stumbled into an Order meeting, which was to be led by Moody. To her dismay, the only available seat was next to Lupin. That was what she got for being late, though.
She tried to unobtrusively pull out the chair and seat herself, but it squeaked loudly against the tiled floor. Several people winced and looked at her reproachfully, including Moody. Lupin, however, simply gripped the parchment in his hands and refused to look at her.
Once Tonks was finally seated, Moody began speaking about strategy, constant vigilance, etc. The typical stuff, really. She nodded at the appropriate parts and took decent notes, but he really did not have anything new to offer today. They were all still at a loss as to You-Know-Who and his Death Eaters' whereabouts, and this meeting was basically a reminder to keep looking for them, keep doing their jobs.
As it was, the routineness afforded her the ability to reflect on her failed attempts to befriend Remus Lupin.
After her faux pas that night, she quickly learned from the other members that he was a werewolf. This fact did not really repulse her, although it did make her cheeks flame at the memory of her silly moon-related babbling. It also explained a lot about why he tended to hold himself aloof, despite his good nature. Once she realised how deeply she must have offended him and ruin his first impression of her, she had set out to remedy her mistake.
He was bloody elusive when he wanted to be, though. Of course, some of those days were full moon nights, so she wasn't surprised that he'd keep to himself, but the other days…he seemed to know how to freeze her out completely, even when she did manage to find him.
It was nothing he said, of course. Lupin was too nice to say anything nasty to her. He treated her with the same courtesy he showed to everyone else.
Yet there was a distinct lack of warmth, and his smiles were worse than Moody's frowns. There was tension there, a stiffness of the muscles around his lips. It was almost as if it took him effort to smile at her, and that was frankly insulting. Tonks was a likeable person! Everyone smiled easily around her! So why couldn't he be like the others?
After a while, she started to imagine that he hated her. Whenever she inevitably tripped or banged her toe against something, she noticed him joining in everyone else's laughter, only, she felt that there was a particular edge of malice in his laugh. As if he enjoyed her suffering.
And when she offered strategic ideas during their meetings, he would never acknowledge them or respond to them in any way, even though he always responded to the others. He would just stare down at his hands and pretend nothing was happening in the room at the moment.
It was when he actually praised Mundungus Fletcher's plans over hers that she had finally had enough.
The moment the meeting was adjourned, she cornered him, not caring if the others noticed.
"What the bloody hell is your problem, Lupin?"
He blinked at her, but he didn't look falter or quiver in the face of her anger, which only served to enrage her further. "I was not aware that I had a problem, Ny—Tonks, but I am willing to be enlightened. Would you like to talk about it?"
"Don't play innocent! You know exactly what I'm talking about!"
He glanced around and seemed to notice that they weren't alone. Molly and Arthur Weasley were gaping at them, their conversation halted as they took in the scene.
Lupin looked back at her. "Come on." He waved a hand and started walking.
Growling, Tonks scuffed her foot against the floor before following him, knowing that this was probably her only chance to have an actual conversation with the infuriating bastard.
They were back on the porch again.
This time, however, he was looking at her.
"So tell me, what have I done to upset you so much?"
"You know very well! It's your attitude towards me! I said I was sorry, didn't I? I know we didn't get off to a good start, but why do you treat me like I'm a pile of dung? You mock me when I fall, you never acknowledge my ideas, you get all stiff and grumpy whenever I'm near you—like now! Look at you, all tense and frowny!" She morphed her face to mirror the expression he was giving her right now.
He grimaced and looked at his feet.
"Although I am sorry for being rude to you, I do not see that I am worth getting mad over. Why attempt to befriend me? I'm a werewolf. Part of my social calendar is permanently off-limits, isn't it? A cheerful, delightful person like you can make so many other friends."
She huffed and wondered where the sting came from. Was he being sarcastic? Or…
Maybe he was bitter?
"One can never have too many friends, Lupin. I don't know why I keep bothering with you, but nonetheless I still am, and I don't see why I can't. I'm not going to stop just because you say so!"
He sighed. "You don't understand, do you?"
"Enlighten me," she mocked, borrowing his phrase from earlier.
"Look at me."
She turned and looked at him, with his greying hair, his shabby clothes, and his tired eyes. "I'm looking."
"Now think about yourself in comparison to me."
"Are you saying that you're too smart for me-?"
"No! Just…look, I'm a freak, okay? I've been a freak since I was a child. I'm dangerous, tainted, and poor. I'm not exactly the life of the party. People here are nice enough to me, but I know they're terrified every full moon, never knowing if I'll forget to take the potion one day or if I'll bite them and turn them into another one of my kind. My closest friends understand me, and Dumbledore a little, but otherwise, there will always be that feeling of difference. I can be a decent conversational partner and a good fighter for the cause, but intimacy is something I can't have with just anyone.
"Then there's you. You're different, too, but not in a repulsive way. People admire your differences. They flock to you, hoping to catch a glimpse of your transformations. When they're around you, they smile so easily; I've even seen Moody smile at you sometimes, and you have no idea how weird that is. You're so carefree and open, something I can never afford to be. You're…god damn it, I'd kill to be you."
He said this last part with such savage conviction that she started a little.
"I'd kill to be you, to have what you have. It makes me want to get down on my knees and scream sometimes. It took years for people to relax around me, but for you it takes a matter of mere minutes. It's all so easy for you."
She gripped his arm, shaking her head. "It's not easy. Especially not when it comes to you."
"Yes, well, I'm just…jealous." He took in a deep, shuddering breath. "I haven't felt this way in a long time, not since I was best friends with James Potter, who was charisma personified. Well, him and Sirius. But with them, it wasn't as bad, because I could go on adventures with them and share part of the glory and be part of a group. Glory, however, has lost its charm for me over the years."
"So I can't make you like me by dragging you on an adventure? Shucks," she quipped, hoping to lighten the mood. He quirked a smile, so she felt that it worked.
"Nope. Look, that night…I realised that I could never hope to connect with a person like you, one who can blithely talk poetically about the moon as if it were nothing but an abstract concept to you, one who could smile and make small talk with a stranger without fear."
"And why the hell not? Since I'm half of this hypothetical connection, don't you think I have a say?"
He looked at her face as if seeing her for the first time. And maybe he was, she thought. Maybe now he could look beyond her clumsiness, supposed charm, and ridiculous comments about the moon.
"Perhaps you have a point there."
She stood up first this time, dragging him up by his arm. "Come on. Now that you've agreed that I'm right, let's grab a cup of tea."
"What? I haven't said that you're r—"
But she was already pulling him inside the house, not wanting to let go of her newly gained victory.
As they sipped the last of their tea, they looked into their cups, not wanting to look at each other just yet.
"You know," Tonks murmured, "this makes me think of Divination. Did you ever take that course? I wonder what these tea leaves would say about our future."
Lupin snorted, which was a surprisingly fun sound. "I don't like to ponder too much about the future, myself. I've done enough of that, already."
"Why? What do you mean? Share some of that old man wisdom with me, Lupin."
"That's Mr Lupin to you, young lady." He was grinning, though, for the first time since they'd met, and that made her ridiculously happy and tolerant.
"Well alright, Mr Lupin. Continue."
"When Dumbledore allowed me to go to Hogwarts, he opened up a whole world of possibilities that I never had before. Suddenly, I had a future, you know? Lowly werewolf me, a student at Hogwarts! It was like a dream. I allowed myself to think of what I could do once I finished my education. Even when I had to deal with the full moon's effects, I kept myself sane, thinking of a better tomorrow. One where I would live happily ever after with James, Sirius, and Peter, forever continuing our adventures.
"When the prophecy came to light, however, the future was snatched away from us. James and Lily were to die! And then…well, then, they did, and not only did I lose them, but I also lost Sirius and Peter.
"Where was my future then?
"All that time, I had dreamed of a better tomorrow, a tomorrow where I would always be loved and accepted despite my curse, surrounded by loved ones. I felt so secure, thinking that I could never lose those closest to me."
"Yet that never came true, did it?" whispered Tonks.
"I had a few blissful years of happiness, but then it was gone. Then I had no future to look forward to, and I was left with the horrible present. Three friends dead and one in jail, along with no prospect of a living or a career. All that time wasted and lost forever."
She gripped his hand. "Well, it wasn't a waste—you had some good memories, and look at you now. You've survived that past. You're surrounded by people who respect you and love you—and trust me, they really do love you, even if you don't realise it—and now you've got me! A friend for the present."
He smiled wryly. "A friend indeed. A weird one, but I suppose I could do worse."
"Let's not linger about the future, shall we?" She set down her cup of tea. "We've got a decent present, and—I'm willing to be your listening ear. You're not a freak, you know. You're a human being."
He laughed, and the sound washed warmly over her. "Okay, no need to lay it on so thick. I agree to be your friend and to treat you better, and that should be enough for you today. Now go to sleep. It's late, and you know Moody will find some way to wake us up at the crack of dawn."
She groaned, and the two of them left the kitchen, smiling and cracking jokes about Moody and his cracks.
She knew that there was probably still some insecurity within him that she'd have to uncover and deal with, and she knew that she herself had many shortcomings that he would discover over time, but at least they had gotten past the first hurdle. Now there was the potential for a stronger friendship to be built upon this foundation they established today.
All things considered, Remus Lupin wasn't so bad. She looked forward to being his friend.