He should have known, the first time he felt the strange sensation, a faint new presence in the force. But he was young and ignorant, unaware of the possibilities and far too wrapped up in the first fumbling of love and lust to notice.
If he had understood, he would never have foolishly told his master. Snoke disapproved of everything that he deemed unnecessary, like his blossoming relationship with an ambitious handsome young lieutenant. But Kylo was a loyal fool back then and he had told his master everything.
The spark had disappeared almost immediately after, and Kylo had remained in the dark, assuming it had all been some sort of test.
Now he knew better. And now Snoke was dead of course, he had deserved so much worse than he had gotten. Kylo thought staring at the stars unable to sleep beside his beloved.
Over the years how many times had he felt that glow grow within himself? How many times had that glow had been lost, taken by Snoke? He wondered, wishing he had paid more attention to his body, wishing he had done something, anything to protect them.
It was too late to do anything. Too late to do anything but mourn.
Kylo's heart aches as he wrapped himself around his slumbering love and caressed his red hair in the darkness. Things between them have been strained since Starkiller, since Kylo had been found bleeding in the snow.
He has been distant, angry, has done nothing but push Hux away, letting work stress bleed into their personal lives.
And Hux has borne it all, as he always does Kylo's distemper.
The scars heal slowly. Things are better now he's supreme leader, not perfect but better. Not that Kylo believes in perfect anyway. He's far to broken.
Nothing had been the same since the medics had patched him up and told Kylo the truth.
But. How could he admit the truth to Armitage?
He had not believed them at first, when they had revealed yet another secret of his ancestry. And yet the startling news he was not completely human was nothing compared to them asking him if he had known about the child and the ones before that as well. That had been a blow deeper than any bowcaster could inflict.
A tiny seed. That's what they had called it. He does not know if they were merely trying to spare his feelings, afraid he would cause another outburst. All he knows is that it had been his, belonging to him and Hux.
Hux who has never said one word but who dreams of a family, almost as often as he dreams about being in charge.
So much lost.
The medics could not explain why, but Kylo knows instantly. Snoke has had a hand in this, twisting his knife one way or another, sending Kylo out on dangerous missions. Constantly punishing and pushing him with the force supposedly to make him stronger.
His master had feared the coming of another force user, someone strong and unable to control. His master had feared his children just as he had feared the girl.
He cried then, tears falling thick and heavy, burning the sensitive scared flesh around his eye, a pain he deserves as the galaxy crumbles around him. The truth burns worse than the medical treatment. He lies there unable to move, rethinking the choices he has made.
He cannot go back. Can undo all that has been done. He can only go forward.
Hux visits later, his General come to chide him for his costly mistakes, unaware of the heavy price Kylo paid. Kylo can't bring himself to look at him. Blames himself even as Hux kisses his scars and holds him close whispering sweet words he does not deserve. Determined not cry he bites his lip until it bleed.
How could he tell him about the stars that they had lost?
Kylo could not bring himself to share such bitterness.
Not when it was clear that Snoke had been the cause of all of it. There is no time for family, for love. Snoke's words ring in his ears as clearly as they first had when Kylo was just a boy. It is only power that brings success.
Let the past die. Kill it if you have to.