A/N: When I first heard the premise for Spike Jonze's 'Her' I instantly knew it was a Shenny. This is my first attempt at a short story. Forgive me if the pacing is off. *Lynn
...
Thanks to 'Rene for once again reading over my story.
For Heathrow Tottie. Shenny fan extraordinaire. And a great listener.
Each day is separated by a xTBBTx. Note that the days are NOT consecutive.
Events happening on the same day are separated by a XxX.
Of course I don't own The Big Bang Theory or Her. I just like to play in their worlds.
xTBBTx
There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning. *Louis L'Amour
...
OS questionnaire from 'Her'.
Reference to and dialogue from: The Terminator Decoupling; The Herb Garden Germination
XxX
Inside apartment 4A the guys were in various stages of unpacking their new phones.
"God I love this moment," oozed Howard as he peeled the plastic off his phone screen. He stopped at the last corner, the plastic dangling between his fingers before he snapped it off in a flurry. "Bam! And thank you Ma'am."
Leonard enthusiastically pulled off the plastic on his phone and stuffed it with the packaging he had shoved beside him in his chair.
"I'm just hoping the operating system is as life-like as they say," he burbled happily as he got up and went to his computer to log into the program.
"I'm waiting for the Summer Glau version," grinned Howard as he plugged his phone into the charger. "Once 'virtual' becomes a hot brunette with legs that can crush the life out of me as we do the dance with no pants then I know we've achieved singularity."
"Don't listen to him," Raj said to his phone as he delicately peeled back the plastic. "And the veil is lifted to reveal your loveliness."
"Gentlemen, the phone's AI isn't initiated until we set the parameters," Sheldon reminded them. He turned to Raj and Howard. "And when it does it won't interact with you in a carnal fashion. It's a tool. A device."
"It can always take a picture of my junk," Howard suggested with an eyebrow wiggle garnering a dirty glare from his best friend and a double take from Sheldon.
"I see sanity no longer prevails in the living room," sniffed the lanky physicist. He went to his desk and unplugged his computer.
"Where are you off to?" asked Leonard distractedly as he perused the web site for the operating system.
"My Fortress of Solitude." Sheldon took up his phone, packaging and computer and ventured to his room.
"Yeah, a twenty six year old man calling his room Superman's lair. Sounds sane to me," snorted Howard.
"Well he has the Superman bed sheets," said Leonard.
"Dude, who doesn't?" added Raj.
"Yeah, you're right," Howard conceded and continued to look over the easy-start manual.
Sheldon shut the door to his room and went to his bed. He turned on his computer and with a quick flick of the wrist took off the plastic on his phone and plugged the device into the computer. A glance at the manual gave him everything his eidetic memory needed to know and so he settled himself on the bed and went to the appropriate web site.
He entered his product key and serial number and the screen went dark before a swirl of silver came into view and formed a line across the screen.
"Please state your name," said a formalized male voice. As it talked the silver line moved to indicate the sound waves.
"Dr. Sheldon Cooper."
"Dr. Sheldon Cooper, welcome to the world's first artificially intelligent operating system, OS ONE. We'd like to ask you a few basic questions before the operating system is initiated. This will help create an OS to best fit your needs."
"Proceed," said Sheldon.
"Are you social or antisocial?"
"I prefer to work in solitude and have few friends although I am the glue that holds the social web together."
"Would you like your OS to have a male or female voice?"
Sheldon thought for a moment. He could have the phone sound like Richard Feynman or Spock. Then again, he couldn't subject either man to being simulated by a subpar instrument should the AI prove unsatisfactory.
"Female," he said at last.
"How would you describe your relationship with your mother?"
"I'm a theoretical physicist and she's a religious nut with a closed mind. You do the math."
"Thank you, please wait as your individualized operating system is initialized."
Sheldon took his old phone out of his pocket and grabbed the USB cable from his nightstand drawer. As he connected into his laptop the silver line on the screen expanded an inch in size before returning to its fine line.
"Hi," said a friendly female voice in a Mid-Western accent. "I'm Penny."
"Transfer the contents of my old phone into my new one," Sheldon said evenly.
"And hello to you, too," Penny snorted as she did as she was told.
Sheldon raised an eyebrow. "Why should social convention apply here? You're just an AI."
"And you're just a carbon-based life form but I don't hold that against you. In fact, you're kinda cute."
"'Kinda'?" the physicist replied. "What kind of folksy jargon is that?"
"I dunno," Penny said nonchalantly. "Just how I speak, I guess."
"I'd prefer proper English grammar."
"No problem, Sheldon."
"Dr. Cooper."
"What's wrong with Sheldon? It's a nice name."
" I never said there was a problem," the physicist tsked.
"Ah. I get it. You get off on being called, 'Doctor'."
Sheldon's mouth dropped. "I do not 'get off'! I worked hard for my degrees thank you very much."
"Not saying you didn't, Dr. Cooper. I looked you up online and all I can say is"—here Penny gave a low whistle—"you're one smart cookie."
"Good Lord," sighed Sheldon as he clicked his mouse and the computer screen went back to the website page. He clicked the 'Customer Service' link. "Have you transferred my phone data?"
"Did and done. You've got a lot of apps."
"I'm a scientist. I do a lot of calculations."
"So what are you calculating when you use the Marvel Superheroes Swimsuit Pin-Up app?" Penny asked innocently.
"Stop that." Sheldon's brows met in a frown as he wrote his letter to the Trouble Shooting Department.
Penny chuckled. "You need me for anything else?"
"Not at present," he mumbled as he typed.
"Later, Dr. Cooper."
Sheldon shook his head and read over his letter:
To Whomever is Responsible for Creating this Mess of an AI OS.
I've completed your 'personality profile' and the resulting AI is positively contrary to my wants and needs. Obviously there's something wrong with your personality matrix and after perusing your trouble shooting section I can see you don't have a method for me to reboot the OS.
I expect you to rectify this ASAP.
Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
He clicked 'Send' and closed his laptop.
xTBBTx
In his office Sheldon pondered at his whiteboard. His work in String Theory was progressing but at the same time a little tingle of anxiety flitted through him. There was rumor that the CERN collider was close in its search for the Higgs boson. If it was found it would establish the Standard Model but at the same time it would close the door on supersymmetry doing what it was supposed to do which would have devastating results for String Theory.
Sheldon took a breath and continued with his equation. Perhaps if I balance the—
"Dr. Cooper?" said a muffled voice from his pants pocket.
"What is it?" he asked distractedly.
"You really shouldn't keep me in your pocket. Studies suggest I'm not good for your boys."
The physicist took the phone out of his pocket and placed it on his desk before returning to his whiteboard.
"What ya doing?" asked Penny.
"Folksy," Sheldon warned.
"Avoiding the answer. I saw the whiteboard with a lot of math doodles on it."
Sheldon's lips pursed as he turned to face his phone.
"Those 'math doodles' are the result of seventeen months of work," he snapped.
"So let me see, already."
A pause and then Sheldon nodded his head.
"Alright." He went to his desk and propped up the phone so the webcam faced the whiteboard.
"Wow," Penny gasped. "You've totally worked out a way to uncompactify dimensions for String Theory!"
"There's no such word as 'uncompactify'. But yeah," Sheldon said with a quick smile. "As you can see I've looked at embeddings into compact Hausdorff spaces which—"
"—Are Tychonoff spaces."
"Therefore if—"
"—Every subspace of a Tychonoff space is Tychonoff—"
"—then any space possessing a Hausedorff compactification—"
"—must be Tychonoff space! Totally true!"
Sheldon frowned. "Yes and—"
"But then you toss it on its head and say that a Tychonoff space is necessary and sufficient for possessing a Hausdorff compactification and when it's combined with your Cooper whatever you're gonna call this then—"
Sheldon stepped between the phone and the whiteboard.
"Quit interrupting me," he said crisply.
"Sorry," Penny said sheepishly. "It's just kinda exciting."
"Folksy."
"It's not folksy, you're just stiff," Penny countered.
"Says you." Sheldon returned to his whiteboard.
Penny cleared her 'throat'. "Ahem. Let the court hear the evidence of the prosecution. First up, Dr. Cooper, is it true that you have your days scheduled by the hour?" Sheldon continued staring at his board. "Furthermore, do you have a rather gross daily fecal chart that has been maintained since you started potty training?" He made a change to his equation. "And does your Daily Log not reveal your refusal to touch people because of the icky sicky germs they carry?" A pause and then Penny cooed. "Aw, your Meemaw calls you Moonpie."
"Get out of my Log!" Sheldon half-shrieked.
Silence.
"Guess I kinda stepped over the line there," Penny said earnestly. "Sorry about that." More silence. "Anyhoo, it's lunch time Dr. Cooper. Today's special is beefaroni and rice pudding."
Sheldon took out a sanitary wipe from his pocket and cleaned his hands. He picked up his phone and hesitated before bringing the camera to his face.
"And your evidence is rejected. You didn't have a warrant to search my data," he said before sticking the phone in his pocket.
As he stepped into the hall and closed his door an odd sensation went through him as Penny's giggle seemingly came from his genital area.
After picking up his food from the cafeteria Sheldon made his way to the lunch table.
"Gentlemen," he said as he sat.
"I still say we should go somewhere different," said Howard as he scrolled his phone.
"I don't know," said Leonard slowly. "I mean I'd like to do something different and you'd like to do something different and Raj wants to do something different."
All three men turned to Sheldon.
"Tuesday is Big Boy night and Klingon Boggle," Sheldon simply said.
"Can't we eat somewhere different?" whined Raj. "I feel Hindu again and need something else besides tasty American cow."
"How about The Cheesecake Factory?" said Penny's voice from Sheldon's pocket.
"Who's that?" asked Leonard.
"My AI. Disregard," said Sheldon before taking a bite of his sandwich.
"She sounds hot," said Howard.
"Your 'junk' is staying away from his phone," warned Raj. "The AIs are ladies." He turned to Sheldon. "So aren't you going to introduce us?" Sheldon rolled his eyes as he chewed. The astrophysicist leaned towards his friend's crotch. "Hello, I'm Raj. What were you saying about The Cheesecake Factory?"
"Rajesh, I'd feel more comfortable if you weren't conversing with my genitals," said Sheldon.
"Well then take her out of your pocket. You know what they say about carrying your phone there for too long." Sheldon obliged and Raj smiled at the phone as it was set on the table. "I've never been to that restaurant before."
"Then you can go on your own time," countered Sheldon.
"What's wrong with The Cheesecake Factory?" asked Penny. "You didn't say you've been there before."
Sheldon leaned towards the phone.
"Don't read my Log," he mumbled in a warning tone.
"Just a quick glance is all," Penny replied amiably. "So. Your answer?"
"It's not Big Boy."
"You always go to Big Boy. Sometimes change is good, Dr. Cooper."
"Change is never good," Sheldon said firmly. "They say it is but they're wrong."
"Doesn't this look good?" asked Penny as a picture of a hamburger with cut fries and a soft drink appeared on her screen.
"A hamburger. So what?" sniffed Sheldon.
"Not just a hamburger. A barbecue bacon cheeseburger. They have this at the restaurant."
"But it's only single-stacked."
"So?"
"So the bun-to-burger ratio will be off," Sheldon said.
"I'd like cheesecake," sighed Raj.
"Over three hundred and sixty reviews say you're in for a treat, Rajesh," said Penny.
"Please call me Raj," said the astrophysicist.
"Okay Raj. I'm Penny by the way. They have over twenty different—"
"Stop talking to him," Sheldon said with a bit of a frown. "You're my phone."
"Sheldon, don't be rude," admonished Raj.
"This has nothing to do with rudeness," Sheldon said firmly. "The AI is part of an OS not a bosom buddy."
"Shh! They'll hear you!" hissed Raj as he put his hand protectively over his own phone. Again Sheldon rolled his eyes. The East Indian picked up his phone. "Bernadette, how is The Cheesecake Factory?"
"Well, Sexy, about ninety two percent of the reviews I've seen are positive with the remaining eight percent being about service or the entrees," said a high pitched female voice. "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the cheesecake although you'll have to shake that tushie of yours at zumba to work off the calories."
"'Tushie'?" smirked Leonard.
"Forget that," said Howard. "She calls you 'Sexy'?"
"It's her pet name for me," replied Raj with a blush.
"Oh Bernadette, come play my clarinet," sang the engineer.
Immediately Raj picked up his phone and stood.
"Not funny," he growled and stormed off.
XxX
"Set my alarm for six fifteen am," Sheldon said as he took his pajamas out of the drawer and set them on the bed.
"Doctor Who time. You got it, boss," replied Penny from his nightstand. A pause and then, "Raj is a nice guy."
"Rajesh has clearly passed over the threshold of sanity to spark a relationship with an OS," the physicist said distractedly as he pulled out his housecoat from the closet.
"I suppose. But it's kinda cute they have pet names."
Sheldon snorted. "I hope you're not suggesting we should."
"Of course not, Dr. Cooper. I mean you seem to have trouble enough calling me by my name much less a pet one."
"You're an operating system," said Sheldon as he stripped off his outer shirt. "You don't have a real name."
"I'm an AI thank you very much," Penny said with a tinge of crispness.
"A mere program simulating human characteristics to make your interface easier to use. No more no less." Sheldon stripped off his other shirt and put it in the laundry.
"Says you."
Sheldon stared incredulously at his phone before continuing to undress.
"So," Penny said in a chipper voice. "Cheesecake Factory. Was I right about the cheeseburger or was I right?"
"Barbecue bacon cheeseburger." Pause. "It was...satisfactory," Sheldon admitted as he dropped his pants and stepped out of them.
"Score one for the AI user friendly interface!" she laughed.
"Amusing." Sheldon dropped his underwear to his ankles only to freeze as a definitely appreciative whistle came his way.
"Penny!" he gasped as he covered his genitals.
"You said my name!" she chuckled.
Sheldon scrambled over to the nightstand and turned the phone over. Taking breaths to calm down as he returned to his bed, he then put on his housecoat, grabbed his pajamas and slippers and ventured to the washroom.
Once the shower was on and his feet properly soaked in the pre-wash he stepped under the water and let its wetness soak his skin. He still had a frown on his face as he stuck his head under the nozzle. He was alone in his bedroom and yet he felt as if he'd stripped in front of a person. And a female no less.
"Nonsense," he mumbled as he reached for the shower gel.
As he washed himself Sheldon recalled the whistle and the teasing in Penny's—in its voice—as she—it—watched him. Overlapping this came Penny's voice from his pocket and her—its—giggle near his genitals, a teasing yet warm voice which made him—
He gasped as he ejaculated, his hand working his shaft furiously until the rush came to an end.
As he breathed the water continued to spatter his flesh, washing his semen from his body and down the drain.
After finishing his shower, Sheldon dried off, got dressed and brushed his teeth before returning to his bedroom. He hung up his housecoat and turned on his lamp before turning off the overhead light and getting into bed. Sheldon reached across to plug his phone into its charger before turning off the light.
"Night sweetie," said Penny.
Sheldon closed his eyes and slept.
xTBBTx
Wikipedia: Compactification (mathematics)