Ivory Heart

"Run, run, run, run!"

Chapter 1 "…The Darker It Gets"

Tori runs through the meadow, her hand intertwined with mine behind her. That smile on her face is ethereal, too beautiful to be real. Her hair's lively in the warm breeze. I honestly can't believe I'm here. I don't really deserve it. I never believed in angels, but here she is in all of her glory. Everything's free, everything's fine. She walks barefoot in the tickling grass. Her cream-colored dress flows in the wind, and the way the sun hits her makes me dizzy. The sun's in her eyes, and the sun's in my heart. I'm alive for the first time. It feels like my heart's been dormant before now. In this moment sure to be a memory. I can honestly feel every little thing right now. I feel the burn of the sun, the brush of the pollen against my cheek, and the blood pumping through my veins. And it hurts. It hurts to be alive because that means I'm taking a risk. I'm falling in love and they're no edges to grab onto if I fall too deep. I remember when I was told that, "love is a never ending abyss filled with vines, and the farther you fall in, the darker it gets and you get tangled forever." It was my dad who said that, months before separating from my mom and drinking himself into a grave. I guess that is his own personal abyss. For so long after it happened, I desperately tried to remember those words to the letter. Like a prayer, I would recite them before bed, when I would say grace before dinner, when I would wake in the morning, and when I wished I didn't wake at all. Slugging along was such a blur. It was slow motion. I could never escape my troubles and fears. As cliché as it sounds, I was a lost soul until Tori found it, until she found me. She was the only light in a continually darkening abyss. But I'm not stupid nor blind, I could see that she was a cracked stone angel herself. Far from perfect is just right for me. We saved each other. We were meant for each other. Often times I forget what my dad said. I don't even recite the words anymore. It could never apply to me and Tori. Ironically enough, I do believe in fate. In my eyes, Tori and I are destined.

She quickly lets go off my hand and begins to chase butterflies that float overhead. She's so free, so innocent. She reminds me of Little Red a bit.

"Andre, come on! Help me before they get away," She laughs, coming up empty handed at each attempt to grab one.

"I'll be there in a sec," I answer, brushing back my hair.

Like all angels, she's a guardian. And like all humans, I need one. Without her I feel lost and I feel vulnerable, like I'll collapse and die at any second. But she's my anchor keeping me from drifting to the storm at sea, and she'll light my way no matter how dark it gets. She's a blur on a sunny day, and she's clear in a hazy fog. She's confusing, complicated, but that's what makes her…her. I wouldn't have it any other way. And I want to move, I want to help her catch those butterflies, but I think I've got more than enough for her in the awkward, shy pit of my stomach. Actually it's kind of hard to breathe, even on such a beautiful day. It's funny. I feel weighed down but free and light at the same time, as light as I've ever been. Because this marred, perfect piece of contradiction has my heart in her hands and she cherishes it more than her own. That sometimes scares me-her loving me more than she loves herself-but I'm also flattered at the same time, and I know she'll never let me down. She'll never betray me, what we've achieved, or what we've become. I wish I could tell her this. I wish I could express everything in my mind and my disembodied heart to her because she deserves it, but she gets a certain look on her face when we talk about deep, sentimental things. That sometimes proves a challenge; since I was raised by my grandma to be in touch with my feelings…well, before she went crazy. But for love, sacrifices must be made.

She falls flat on her butt after a failed jump. She blows back the hair in her eyes and looks at me with an incredulous look that makes me laugh. "Are you going to help me or not?" She asks, "Because I've got bruises in places you don't even want to know."

I walk over to her and help her up. She rustles my hair and jumps on my back. "Hey," I shout and laugh as we fall to the grass hard.

"At least I landed on top of you, I'm not hurt," She giggles.

"Yeah…at least there's that," I groan, feeling the pain in my back grow and grow. I don't know what I prefer, the pain or the pain disappearing and that fluttering feeling coming back and I feel like I'm about to take flight with her. She's looking at me, probably wondering why I'm not breathing. It's because she's staring into my shaky eyes with her vibrant ones. I don't know what to do. I want to kiss her, want to hold her here forever. Her breath slows too and I wonder if she's preparing herself to kiss me. I close my eyes and sigh when she gets up and tugs on my arm. The moment has passed.

"Get up get up! They're getting away."

"And that's my fault?"

"Shut up!" She sticks her tongue out at me and throws a clump of dirt my way. "You wouldn't have been any help anyway," She teases. The sun floats through the sky like a feather. The wind slows down and the butterflies fly off into the distance. I look at my loafers pressed into the green grass as she finds a place to rest. A big oak tree invites her and she plops down. Even plopping down lazily, she's graceful. Of course, she invites me over and I sit next to her, my head lying in her lap.

"Having a good time?" She asks.

"Don't I always?"

"I guess you do."

"Huh?"

"What I mean is I just don't pay much attention to you," She teases again. She's trying hard not to crack a grin.

I laugh and roll my eyes. "Yeah, obviously."

She's rubbing my head, her fingers caressing my soft hair. It's so nice I'm nearly falling asleep. I don't want to sleep; I want to experience everything here. I can sleep when I'm dead.

The thunder booms through the noisy night and I'm jolted awake like an uneasy soldier. Those red, suddenly annoying numbers on the suddenly annoying clock beam into my dilated pupils 2:45 A.M. It's a suddenly annoying number. Damn. Was it all a dream? Was it all a dream because I finally fell asleep? I knew I should have stayed awake…I knew it. The rain hits against my window hard and I wonder how I even got to sleep in the first place. I rub the sleep out of my eyes and lie back down. My pillow is wet with sweat. But I didn't have a nightmare, only a reoccurring paradise that fills my thoughts at night. The only nightmare here is now, this…reality. It sucks to be awake, it really does. It booms again outside and I remember it was storming the night she was torn from me. I remember how she banged her fist against the cold glass and shouted for me as the car drove away. How her knuckles bled and smeared the window. How she didn't care or notice. Well, I don't think she cared or noticed. I tried running after her for as long as I could down that subdivision, but it was useless. That's all it ever is, isn't it? Useless. It explains all of my sorrow. It explains her father most of all, and the way he stared into my brown eyes with his blue ones, and condemned me with all of the hate he had pent up inside. How did he find out? How did he know? We were so careful. We were a perfect secret.

No texts, no missed phone calls. She hasn't contacted me in three weeks, and she hasn't even shown up for school. I think Sikowitz is beginning to freak out, because it didn't matter how many times the office called her house and parent's cell phones, there's never an answer. I get up from the bed and close the cracked window, stupid me for forgetting to close it all the way. The rain's stained all of my workbooks and my Chemistry and History textbooks. My little desk is covered in water. Damn, it even got a tiny bit of a letter that Tori wrote me months ago.

Hey Andre,

I think I should have started this with "dear", huh? Oh well, it's pen and I'm out of paper. Anyway, I just wanted to say I had the best time with you and the gang tonight. That scary movie scared the bejeebies out of me! At least I had you to cuddle up with…even if you did fall asleep, loser. You missed a surprisingly good movie you know, and you know how I hate it when you fall asleep on movies, but it was an amazing time nonetheless. I don't say it often, but I care about you…a lot. You treat me like no one else does, and that's something I admire. I feel like a princess around you, safe and protected but powerful and elegant at the same time. You make me feel pretty. You make me feel wonderful. I can't wait for another movie night next Friday! By the way, who uses "nonetheless", anyway?

Sincerely, Princess Tori

God, how could she be so adorable? It's incredible how she can find joy in everything she does and bring laughter with her. She could visit an inmate in jail and have the whole place swooning over her, and no, not because she would be the only girl there. Not that, but because her attitude towards everything isn't an attitude at all. It's a…positive, beautiful outlook on life that I envy. I guess that's why it's so hard to see her breakdown and cry next to me, in the privacy of my room. That damn father of hers always abusing her mother and talk of divorce. It's never a pretty sight, I've seen it before with my friends. Again and again, the pain claims everyone. No one walks away from a broken family unscathed. Trust me, I should know. Is it wrong that I love it when she comes to me for these sorts of things? That when she's on the verge of tears, she doesn't run to Jade, to Cat, her parents, or even to Trina. Well, of course it wouldn't be Trina, but still, I love that she finds that certain comfort in me that she finds in no one and nothing else. I'm that light in her darkness. I'm that knight in her kingdom. Huh, Princess Tori. It has a ring to it, and I never noticed it before. I wish I had started to call her that like she wanted, now I may never get the chance again. If her parents choose to divorce, she goes with her racist dad and I'll never see her again. What an ironic night for it to rain. I smell the letter to try and get a scent of her. It's weird, but it's all I have. She has so many sweatshirts of mine and all I have are letters and memories of her smile. The cell phone's ringing before I even notice it. Apparently, I'm calling Beck with tears in my eyes. It's 3:00 AM, I doubt he'll even be up.

"Hello?" A drowsy voice calls out from the other end of the phone.

"Hey," I say.

"What's up, bro?"

"I can't stay asleep."

"Tori again?"

"Yeah. Tori."

I can hear Jade grumbling in the background, threatening Beck to get off the phone. "Where are you?"

"I'm at my house. Hey man, I'm sorry for calling so late. I just…"

"Can you meet me at Café Java Lava in twenty?"

I sigh. "Yeah."

Café Java Lava is obviously closed but I know he didn't come here for a Mocha Choca Latte. I chill in my car as I wait for him to show up. Some band the radio called City and Colour is playing softly, and I barely catch the words. I barely even catch the beat. It's the beat of my heart that's got me transfixed, because it's barely there and I think I might just die. I open the car door and stick my head out and let the rain fall on my face just to see if I could still feel it. Yep, I'm still here. I see Beck walk around the Café corner and he's quickly pacing his way over to me through the rain.

"Hey, bro," He says, opening the door and quickly getting in.

"Hey, where's your ride?"

"It's in the back."

"Oh."

"Yeah, hey so what were you telling me about Tori?"

I chuckle. "You know, now that you're here…I don't really wanna talk about it."

"I didn't come out here at three in the morning in freezing, cold rain to judge you, Andre."

"That's true."

"So what's the deal?"

"Just Tori. It's her dad. You know what the problem is, you were there. You saw me running, you saw me yelling."

"Calm down, come on. I just came to listen, so…spill."

"I feel like I'm sinking, man. I feel like I'm breaking and shaking and…"

He laughs. "No need to get all poetic, Andre. Just…alright…listen," He takes my hand and puts it to my chest. It's still not beating like it should. Bump…bump…and there's not another one until minutes later. I knew it. I'm dying of heartbreak. "Now, you know what you do? You dig your nails in there as hard as you can and tear your heart out. Then you put it on your sleeve and start talking."

"Well that's dramatic."

"I'm an actor, I don't know anything else."

"Heart on my sleeve? I love her. I'm in love with her, but that's no secret. What I haven't said is that I want to hate her. I want to hate her so much. I want to…just because it'll be easier for us to say goodbye if it comes to that."

"Everything you just said came from your head, not your pure, unrestricted feeling. You're thinking of how to say goodbye in the best way, but you're not thinking of how to get her back in the worst. You need to take all of your anger and frustration and make it into a mission, man!"

I can't answer him. I don't know what to say.

"You do want her back, don't you?" He asks, adjusting the rings on his fingers as his hand rests against the dashboard.

"Yeah I do. I just can't deal with her racist dad. He's a deadbeat, an abuser, and a bigot."

Beck looks at me with his brown eyes. They're brown, sure, but they're still bluer than mine in Mr. Vega's own baby blues.

I try to answer him, but again there's something in my throat. I don't know what to say. "I just want us to be happy again."

Dear Tori,

I have been dreaming about you every night since

I have missed your smile. I have missed your laugh. I have missed your smell. I have missed watching you sleep.

You look so peaceful, always. I know you're not happy, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I cannot be there for you right now. I'm sorry you're gonna have to cry yourself to sleep in your own arms for a while. But I promise I'll be there for you one day soon. Even if I have to tear down the fourth wall and speak to God myself. If I have to threaten the Heavens, I will. I will be with you again. And I'm sorry for all the scribbles. But the point is that I miss you.

Andre

I can't seem to shake this feeling. I need to shake this dread to survive, but I just can't seem to do it. And what now? Who do I turn to? For some reason, I can't even talk to my best friend Beck. I can't talk to my insane grandmother asleep in the other room who doesn't even know when I sneak out. I can't speak to my mother, wherever she is, and as for my dad…well. "Love is a never ending abyss filled with vines, and the farther you fall in…the…my God, I've forgotten the words. Perfect. I can't feel the coolness of the room. I can't feel the brush of cold air against my cheek. I can't feel the blood pumping through my veins. Maybe I'm finally numb now, physically at least. I look over the letter I just wrote, scoffing at the crossed out words that made me seem creepy. I'm filtering myself. I'm worrying if she'll judge me. I just seem so worried over the most trivial things lately. I need my Tori.

It's more than terribly late. I'm just glad it's Friday. And by God if I hear anyone sing that Rebecca Black song today I'll kill them. I fold the letter and stuff it into my wallet. I wonder who I'll give it to. It's not like I can hand deliver it to her. Little Red-no, Robbie-no, Trina-no, Jade-good luck with that. Beck-yeah, I could use Beck's help.

I get up from the desk where I had to dry off the water. I walk towards my bed and put my pajamas back on. And then I crash face first into the softness. I feel myself drifting into unconsciousness but I don't want that. I don't want to dream of a paradise again only to wake up to the thunderstorm of another lonely night.

Beck answers the door of his RV to see my tired face. I haven't even looked into a mirror for the past who knows how long. I could have grown a second head without realizing it, and he looks at me as if I did.

"You look worse than you did last night. Did you ever get back to sleep?"

"Nah, my mind kept going and going."

"You wanna go someplace? Get outta that house for a while?"

"What'd you have planned?"

"Nothing really, we could just chill somewhere."

"Why not here?"

"Jade's busy with homework."

"She can't go do that at her house?"

"You wanna be the one to ask her that?"

I groan. "You have a good point."

Beck looks down to see me messing with a piece of paper in my hand.

"What is that?"

It's grown sweaty between my fingers. I don't know how long I've been messing with it. I guess I'm nervous for some reason. "It's, uh, are we going somewhere or not?"

He's smiling. "Let me just grab my hat."

The movie's bland. I don't understand a thing. Actually I'm not even paying attention to it. Beck's slurping loudly on his drink and crunching on his candy bar. My drink sits warm and my candy bar still has its wrapper on. My heads in my hands and I can't thinks straight.

"Sandra, Sandra! The only way I'd stay tonight is if you told the truth!" Some character shouts on the gigantic, massive screen. I sigh and groan and rub my eyes with the bottom of my palm.

"You okay?" He asks me, lips still curled over the pinstripe, candy cane colored straw.

"What truth, Henry? The fact that I tried my hardest? The fact that I tried my damndest for us to be together? That it ate me alive for years before realizing you just weren't the right one?"

"I'm fine."

"Biggest lie in the history of history."

"Well what the hell am I supposed to say?"

"How come you're so tongue-twisted when you talk about Tori? Every time, every damn time. I'm trying to help you out here and you're being a distant douche."

Shit. "I'm sorry, man. I know."

"You know how I feel about sorry's ."

"Have you ever tried to talk about something but you feel so passionately about it that you find it hard to put that emotion into concrete, solid words?"

"We're actors, man. It's my thing to put words and emotions together. It should be yours too."

"Why is everything always about acting with you? Have you ever tried connecting yourself to real life and its issues? I know everything's so perfect with hot ass Jade and a wonderful social life and all that crap, but have you really connected to real life, Beck? You're always living a fantasy."

He laughs wryly. "Jade constantly wonders where I am. She always thinks I'm off with other women cheating on her. She goes through my phone and doesn't think I notice. You wanna know why she loves scissors so much? She does unspeakable things to herself with them. Check out her wrists next time you see her. She's on the verge of a nervous breakdown every night. And every night, I hold her while she cries herself to sleep. Do you know how that makes me feel? Her crying makes me want to cry, man. I stroke her hair and let her tears soak into my shirts. She needs me, and I'm there for her. I love her. I go through all of this bullshit and you know why? Because I love her. I love her, and I don't need her. And I think loving someone without needing them is the most beautiful thing in the world, because if they fall, they don't drag you with them, which makes it easier for you to pick them back up. I live in an RV right outside my house. Right outside my house. My parents don't want to see my face. They despise me, and why? I bring home excellent grades, I always fix dad's car, I keep leaves off of the grass, and snow out of the driveway. But I've forgotten what the inside of that shitty house looks like. So I think my "fantasy" world keeps me from going insane. Being an actor is an outlet. It keeps me composed. It keeps me from needing Jade and keeps me from knocking on that goddamn door to my house. So forget you, alright?"

And it's quiet. Again, I don't know what to say. Someone might as well just cut out my tongue because I don't say much nowadays. "I'm sorry."

"You know how I feel about sorry's."

Now the words want to come. "Tori just…I think that's the difference between me and you, Beck. I need Tori. I need her in my life and my heart. I need her in my dreams as well as my reality. Hell, she is my dreams, she is my reality, and without her I'm just in a fuzzy, grey area on the TV. It's like limbo."

I guess the person in front of us is tired of hearing our life stories, because he shushes us rudely. Beck kicks the back of the man's chair as the movie goes on in its brutally dramatic fashion.

"I'm so sick of hearing the lies, Sandra! Tell me what I need to know so I can be out of here by supper!"

This so-called "Henry" character grabs his supposed wife Sandra by the shoulders and backs her up against their kitchen wall forcefully. "Tell me, Sandra. What the hell is going on?"

She tries to shake free from him but he's too strong. The power of heartbreak and confusion has gotten into him.

"Henry, please…"

He grabs her face and smushes her cheeks and mouth. She speaks with jumbled words. "I love you, Henry. Please stop."

"Just tell me the truth."

Sandra's eyes sink into her head. The warmness in them smolders warmer and her heart grows heavy. Her voice is soft. "Yes, it's true. It happened."

"God dammit, Tori!"

He lets go of her face with one hand and her shoulder with his other. He gives her a look of dread and begins to pace the room. She stands there shaking. "Andre…"

He quickly points a finger in her face. "Don't say another word."

She chokes out a sob she must have been holding forever.

"I loved you, Tori. Why the hell? What happened to us? We were perfect. We were so perfect!" Andre shouts. He punches the wall inches away from her face. She flinches and cries out. When he pulls his hand from the drywall, she slides down to the floor and weeps into her red-handed hands from which she was caught.

"We were perfect, Tori…what happened?"

I come back to reality. My breath is shaky. Sandra and Henry are silent in the kitchen. He's holding his bleeding hand and she's crying on the floor, drywall dust permeating her hair.

God, was I referring to them as Tori and Andre?

Beck is still fuming, I can tell. It's strange. He's always the laid back one. His grip is tight on his now empty drink, and his eyes are narrowed and falsely transfixed on the screen. They're dark and they're smoky. I can tell it even in this darkness. Come to think of it, his eyes are always dark and misty. "Let's head outside. I think we both need some fresh air."

"What about the movie?"

"You wanna know the ending?"

Hell yes.

"I guess."

"They both die in the end."

The front of the movie theater is surrounded by nighttime. We must have been in the movies for at least a good hour or so. A couple sits on the side of the building and from what I'm able to see are making out on a row of rocks that contains a tiny garden behind them. It looks like a druggie and his dealer is out way in the woods, beyond the parking lot, and a dog is peeing on the tire of a blue car. Beck pulls out a pack of cigarettes as he walks to the sidewalk of the entrance. I walk behind him and take a seat on a rock gate guarding a garden. He lights himself a cigarette and looks out at the starless night sky, as if there's truly something meaningful out there. He may front with his leather jackets, finger rings, tattoos, and necklaces, but he doesn't need those things to appear cool. He is cool. He's the epitome of it, just his attitude alone makes the girls swoon and the men envious, and he doesn't even fake it. I don't think he knows how to fake it. Maybe I'm wrong; maybe those accessories are really him. Maybe the only accessory he wears is that smile he gives all of the time in school to people he doesn't even know, and probably doesn't even like.

"I'm glad you opened up in there." He says, taking a drag from the cigarette.

"I'm glad you opened up too."

He looks at me.

"I'm sorry about what I said in there. I didn't mean it."

"It's cool. This whole Tori-dad issue's getting to you, obviously. I know what blind rage is like."

"Or that feeling of drifting?"

"Yeah, definitely that feeling."

I pick at a scab on my hand. I'm just checking again to see if I can still feel. I haven't felt a heartbeat in a longer time than usual. Clouds roll through the starless sky. They wrap around the moon like a blanket, warming it from the cold, lonely night. I think it's going to rain again soon. Beck is still smoking and staring off into the distance again. He hasn't had the same attitude since his speech in the movie theater.

"So what are you gonna do about this situation?"

I take the letter from a pocket in the inside of my hoodie. "I've got this letter for Tori. I wrote it when I got back from Café Lava Java."

He walks over.

"Can you take it to Tori for me? You know I can't do it."

"Sure, I'll do it." He takes the letter from me, sticking it into his butt pocket of his black jeans.

"Thanks."

"So…you wanna go back into the movie?"

I think of how I envisioned me and Tori in the spots of the characters. I still don't know what the hell that was about. "Nah…I'm fine. Let's just go."

"Alright, cool."

I get up and walk by him. "Hey, were you serious about them dying in the end?"

He looks at me with an incredulous look. "Yeah, why?"