Ogata's Christmas Carol
In Ogata's well-considered opinion, Christmas might possibly be the most insipid, insidious, insufferable Western import holiday of them all, beating out even Valentine's Day/White Day for its ability to turn sane people into blithering, candy-addled idiots.
"...and then the doorknocker turned into the ghost of Goofy, who later turned up in Scrooge's bedroom wearing chains, which sounds kinky, but it really wasn't, because Goofy can't be sexy, he just can't," Ashiwara said with so much cheer and so much volume that people around him were staring. It didn't seem to bother him. Nor did it bother him that Ogata was bothered.
Frankly, Ashiwara was unable to be anything but loud at this time of year. It was probably the sugar. Even as he tramped his way down the busy aisles of the Seibu department store food floor in search of Christmas cake-in search of more sugar-he was sucking noisily on a candy cane and enthusiastically describing the decidedly weird Christmas movie he'd watched last night.
"I think Goofy was warning Scrooge not to be such a mean person...mean duck, but why cast Goofy in such a role? It was a very confusing movie." Suck suck suck.
"Perhaps you should have turned on the subtitles," Ogata said pointedly. He also scowled pointedly at Ashiwara for the way he was carrying on with the candy cane, but Ashiwara just gave him an innocent look and the candy an indecent lick.
"Subtitles make things too easy. I need lots of authentic listening practice using authentic English-language materials in order to absorb not only the language but the cultural content." Ashiwara replied blithely, obviously parrotting someone else's advice. "Look, chestnut cake! That's kind of different. What do you think?"
"I don't like chestnut," Ogata lied. He didn't mind chestnut. He just hated any cake decorated with plastic Santa and reindeer figurines.
"How about this one?"
"I don't like that one either."
"How about-"
"No."
"You are such a Scrooge McDuck."
"Bah humbug," said Ogata.
Ashiwara gasped. "So you have seen the movie before!"
"It's possible I've read the story before."
"Then you know that you have to stop being such a Scrooge, or else tonight you'll be visited by the cricket of Christmas Past, who will show you how you blew your one chance at happiness with your one true love, Daisy Duck."
"Ashiwara, you do know that this story wasn't originally based on Disney animals."
But Ashiwara was no longer paying attention to their conversation. He was looking at a young woman who was just finishing up her purchase of overpriced real fruit jelly cups at one of the food counters. A young woman who was absolutely glaring at Ogata from underneath her well-mascara-ed eyelids. A young woman whose face was unfortunately very very familiar...a real-life Ghost of Christmas Past.
"Does she know you?" Ashiwara asked.
She does. Or she did. And she was coming over.
Ogata stood stock-still, hoping his white suit would make him blend in with the white department store tiling and bright fluorescent lights.
It didn't work.
"Seiji," Hidemi said in her usual breathy, flirty way, as if the two of them hadn't had the messiest breakup outside of daytime television exactly one year ago, to the day. "Fancy meeting you here. On Christmas Eve."
"Hello, Hidemi," Ogata said with a tolerable amount of suave sophistication. No need to be nervous. He hadn't done anything wrong. He'd only broken up with her that one time, on one of the worst days of the year to break up with someone. "How are you?"
"Fine. No thanks to you."
Hidemi's thin-lipped smile reminded Ogata of old arguments and a distinct lack of good make-up sex. So this is what a visit from the Spirit of Christmas Past is like. Pointless and awkward.
Next Hidemi turned her eye on Ashiwara with a speculative furrowing of her well-plucked eyebrows, and Ogata knew she was gearing up for one of her rude but not-particularly-clever remarks. She gave Ogata a sidelong look and cooed, "Does this one call you 'daddy'? Are you buying him lots of presents for Christmas?"
"He's buying me Christmas cake," Ashiwara piped up, completely unfazed. "I'm Ashiwara Hiroyuki, by the way. Nice to meet you."
In response, Hidemi gave Ashiwara a nonplussed look; she apparently couldn't come up with any good comebacks in the face of his good cheer. Score one for Christmas spirit-she needed more of the stuff in her life, Ogata thought viciously.
"Speaking of Christmas cake," he broke in casually, "how was your birthday? I believe you turned twenty-five this year? Or was it twenty-six?" (*)
Hidemi's head whipped around so fast her long hair actually came close to hitting Ashiwara in the face. If Ogata thought she'd been glaring before, it was nothing compared to the looks she was giving him now.
"You're an asshole," she said. He was pretty sure she would have slapped him if they weren't in public. She stood there, her jaw visibly clenched, before abruptly turning on her heel and walking away from him, hopefully forever.
As they watched her stalk off, Ashiwara remarked, "You really are kind of an asshole."
"It's possible," Ogata admitted.
"Twelve hundred yen, please," the cashier said cheerfully.
Twelve hundred yen for two measly pieces of cake. Ogata grimaced as he forked the money over. He liked high quality food, but he didn't think the mocha cake they'd finally settled on was actually high quality. "In a couple of days this will be a third of the price," he grumbled.
Ashiwara smiled as he took the cake-now wrapped up in a cardboard box with a little packet of cooling agent-back from the clerk. "No one wants Christmas cake after Christmas," he said.
Ogata grinned evilly. "Sounds like someone I know."
Ashiwara gave a sad sigh. "You'll never know the true spirit of Christmas at this rate."
"Thank goodness."
They left the department store, Ashiwara swinging the cake around as if the thing didn't cost as much as it did, and stepped out into the chilly December air. The weather was the one nice thing about this season-it was cold and horrible and put a bit of a damper on everyone's Christmas cheer.
Except Ashiwara's, of course. He whistled "Jingle Bells" tunelessly and rubbed his hands together like a maniacal Christmas elf (God, even Ogata had Christmas on his brain now) to warm them, because of course he had forgotten his gloves.
They made their way to the end of the street where people were lining up at a KFC store to pick up their Christmas dinners. Ashiwara lit up like an overdecorated Christmas tree as soon as he saw the Colonel's big white smiling face.
"We need to have a traditional chicken dinner, like Mickey Mouse's family had," Ashiwara informed him.
Ogata groaned. "I think turkey is actually the traditional Christmas meal."
Ashiwara was already pulling him into the long, long lineup. "No, it has to be chicken."
"Which can be bought at any grocery store."
"No, it has to be KFC." He pointed at the TV in the store window, which depicted a happy family feasting on greasy drumsticks and thighs and french fries. As they watched, more and more fast food emerged from the red and white cardboard buckets like a magical production line of saturated fat.
"I really hate Christmas," Ogata said rhetorically, already resigning himself to standing in line in the cold so that he could have an overpriced, low-class, "traditional Christmas dinner." Why on earth did he decide to wear his white suit today? He hoped it didn't get oily. And why did Ashiwara have to smile so sweetly whenever Ogata gave in to his demands? It just meant that Ogata would give in the next time too.
"Here, have a candy cane." Ashiwara held out one of his disgusting sugar sticks, already unwrapped, to Ogata. "It'll make the wait easier."
"No, thank you."
Ashiwara shrugged and stuck the candy cane in his own mouth. How many of the damn things does he have?
As if in response to Ogata's unasked question, Ashiwara pulled several more candy canes out of his coat pocket and gave them a contemplative look. "I don't think I can eat all of these by myself," he mumbled around the candy in his mouth.
Thank god, Ogata thought, but knew better than to say that aloud.
Ashiwara was looking around him now at the other people in the lineup. They were mostly young couples and families with young children-exactly the kind of people Ogata hated standing in line with.
"Hey, would you like a candy cane?" Ashiwara knelt down next to a boy who looked to be about kindergarten age.
The boy, who had apparently never been told to never take candy from strangers, grabbed the candy from Ashiwara with his grubby little fingers and quickly hid it in his pocket. Then he looked up at his parents to see if they'd noticed (they hadn't).
"You're going to get us arrested," Ogata said mildly as Ashiwara stood up and scanned the crowd for more unattended children to accost.
"Nonsense," Ashiwara scoffed. "I'm just helping these children know the True Spirit of Christmas. Like Scrooge did, so that Mickey's son didn't end up dead on top of being crippled."
"These kids are not crippled, and they're not going to hungry tonight if you don't give them candy."
Ashiwara was not one for logic today. "The Ghost of Christmas Present says you should give presents. He's a big fat giant, so you should listen to him."
Ogata was about to deliver a scathing reply when he felt a tug on his sleeve. The boy who'd received the candy cane was touching Ogata's white suit with his dirty hands.
"Are you cosplaying?" the brat demanded.
What the hell kind of question is that? Ogata hated kids. "No."
Ashiwara, on the other hand, loved kids and loved torturing Ogata. Ergo, nothing could make him happier than kids torturing Ogata. "That's an interesting question," he said, kneeling down again. "Why would you say that?"
"He looks like the Colonel," the boy said loudly and pointed at Ogata. "He has a white suit and big square glasses. But you forgot the beard and moustache."
Ashiwara stifled a laugh while Ogata pushed his glasses up on his face and gave the kid his meanest look, hoping to shut him up.
"I think he is cosplaying," Ashiwara said gleefully. "He's doing it to help spread the joy of Christmas."
"That's weird," the boy declared flatly.
By this point a lot of other people in the lineup were not-very-surreptitiously pointing at Ogata and holding whispered conversations about, no doubt, his supposed resemblance to the KFC mascot.
Ogata looked to Ashiwara for help, but Ashiwara just shrugged and went right on licking his candy cane like the bastard he was.
That was the last straw.
"Excuse me," Ogata called out to a pair of teenaged girls who were leaving the KFC store. "I'll give you ten thousand yen for your chicken."
The girls stared blankly at him for a moment, until one of them said, "Are you for real? This is just five pieces of chicken and some sides."
"Good enough," Ogata replied grimly, already digging out the money from his wallet.
"Whaaaat?" said Ashiwara.
The girl who'd spoken looked at her companion, shrugged, and handed over the chicken.
Ogata gave her the money and then, as an afterthought, grabbed the several unwrapped candy canes Ashiwara was still holding and gave her those too. "Merry Christmas," he said, taking the chicken and dragging Ashiwara away from the lineup before he could protest.
"You're unbelievable!" Ashiwara sputtered, shaking the KFC bag in Ogata's face. "I can't believe you'd complain about the cost of Christmas cake and then blow ten thousand yen on a few pieces of chicken."
"You're the one who said I needed to be less of a Scrooge. I was just helping the children," Ogata said blithely.
"You were helping yourself."
"All altruism is ultimately self-interested."
Ashiwara sucked on his candy cane in a way that somehow conveyed a sense of threat. "You're going to die alone and unloved and be sent to hell by a dog in a scary black robe."
Ogata ripped the candy cane from Ashiwara's mouth and threw it on the ground so he could crush it beneath his well-soled heel. He grinned at Ashiwara's slack-jawed look, then took out a cigarette from his pocket, along with his lighter. "Hell is more interesting anyway," he said.
Ashiwara's eyes followed his hands as they lit the cigarette. He looked about ready to give a long lecture on the importance of giving and how the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come was going to come and give Ogata a lecture too. But Ashiwara seemed to think better of it, because he just gave a long-suffering sigh, then took out another candy cane and unwrapped it.
"I suppose hell is more interesting," he said contemplatively, already sucking away.
Ogata puffed on his cigarette beside him. "Merry Christmas, Ashiwara."
"Merry Christmas, Scrooge McDuck."
"Bah humbug."
-The Very Merry End-
*Note: Christmas cake = woman over 25 = no one wants them anymore. Very mean!