It's enough for now. It's enough for now. It's enough for now.
Her own words pounded through her mind, matching the staccato tune that her feet were currently drumming against the cement. She knew he thought she'd been talking about her mother's case, the need to give it some time, the conversation they'd tabled earlier. And she was … on one level. It wasn't enough to do as he'd advised. It meant she had to pretend that nothing had changed, to bury the anger and the fear and the guilt and move past the overwhelming sense of urgency that engulfed her every morning as soon as she opened her eyes. It meant that the wall stayed.
I remember everything.
If she let herself, she could still feel the gentle pressure of his body as he cradled her. The trembling caress of his hands numbing her to the burning pain. His whispered pleas calling her back from the darkness that screamed its own invitation. The haunting panic in his eyes clashing with the surprised defeat in hers.
She'd known even that day in the hospital when she told Castle she needed more time – known that her safe and comfy relationship with Josh would never again be able to maintain the illusion of "enough". Not when she knew that Richard Castle – the man who could make her toes curl with just the brush of his hand against hers in passing – loved her.
Shaking herself to stop the memories – and her current train of thought – from invading further, Kate Beckett leaned against a nearby tree to catch her breath.
Why?
The unspoken question bounced through the recesses of her mind, and she closed her eyes against a sudden rush of emotion. Because … the wall stayed. And the wall taunted. Because the wall won.
For now.
She cursed under her breath as she began running again. He loved her. The thought invaded anyway, and it brought a new wave of tears in its wake.
Kate… I love you.
Darn him.
I love you, Kate.
"Darn him." Her breathless words mingled with her tears, her breath coming in short, pained bursts that were visible in the crisp air. She veered off the path and stopped by the stone wall that bordered the park. Under the guise of stretching her tense muscles, she placed a hand against the damp cool surface and curled her fingers into a fist – as though pummeling the wall in front of her would shatter the wall inside her.
She had lied, claiming a non-existent amnesia so she didn't have to deal with the fact that her best friend loved her. She had pushed him away, retreating into herself so she didn't have to deal with the fact that she loved her best friend. It was her way. And it would continue to be as long as the wall stayed.
And the wall stayed as long as her mother's case remained open.
I lied.
She'd lied about forgetting. How could she possibly forget? Everything about that day was seared permanently into her brain … parts of it indelibly etched into her heart.
She'd lied about it being enough for now. It wasn't. Not when it came to her mother's case. Not when it came to her relationship with Castle. Not. Nearly. Enough.
Hitting the wall with her balled fist, she ran her hands through her hair and drew a shaky breath. She pushed away from the stone wall in defiance and headed back in the direction of her apartment. The familiar argument began again, her thoughts once more taking up the rhythm of her steps. She ached – literally, ached – deep within her spirit. Her mind stayed true to her resolve. Her heart begged her to not to give up.
It's enough for now. It's enough for now. It's enough for now.
Maybe if she kept repeating it to herself, one day she'd start believing it.