Disclaimer: Once again, don't sue; I don't claim 'em
His Reason
"I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you"
("The Reason" by Hoobastank)
The world kept turning, no matter what he did.
He could try to make it stop, but he would never succeed.
The pain inside him was paralyzing him, he was numb.
He hardly registered anything going on around him.
All he could do was stare.
Stare out of the car window in despair.
Stare out of the dirty car window onto the streets, look at people passing by, wishing she was one of them.
Holding his breath whenever a brunette girl approached, hoping for a miracle, but it never was her.
Disappointed he would turn his head and start staring at the dusty street again.
He was in the middle of nowhere, parked at the side of the road in a town of which he didn't know the name.
He had been driving the whole night without ever stopping, his mind clouded with her image and his ears filled with the sound of the dreadful "no" that had been her only answer.
If only he could take it back.
If only he could turn back time.
He would have never gone there.
Maybe he would still be living in denial, but in denial there was hope.
They were now officially over.
She had told him "no", a little word that caused him so much pain.
It was unbearable.
Even for him, the bad ass tough guy, this word was too harsh.
With these two letters, his whole world had collapsed.
Nothing made sense anymore.
His existence, his plans, his feelings.
All senseless.
Why should he live, if he had to live without her.
Why should he show ambition, when it wasn't for her.
How could he feel, when she didn't love him.
Love is agony.
He had known ever since he had to leave her the first time.
No one understood, but he had no choice in that.
How could he have stayed?
He would have only dragged her down with him.
He would have only hurt her, putting his worries on her.
He rather took it all by himself than putting weight on her shoulders and making her life harder.
No one understood though.
Not even her.
He had tried to explain once.
His "I love you" was supposed to explain.
He loved her, therefore he had to leave.
He loved her to much to let her be part of his messed up live.
She deserved better.
He knew back then and he knew know.
Why the hell did he go to see her after all last night?
He silently cursed at himself for that now.
Why did he do it?
How could he even think that there was anything he could offer her?
She could give him a reason to live, but he, he could give her nothing.
He had no money, no future, and even his love he had a hard time giving.
Loving and expressing love was hard for him.
He had been hurt by people who supposedly loved him for all his life.
Unconsciously he had always protected himself from being hurt again.
He had isolated himself from the world outside.
He dared to let anybody in, though against reason he had let her slide into his heart.
And all of a sudden she was inside and would never leave again.
Why had he acted against his natural instinct and opened himself up to her in that stuck-up Yale dorm-room?
Why had he even given her the chance of hurting him so much?
Oh what would he give to change last night?
He had told her how he truly felt, but even while the words where still coming out of his mouth, he knew that what he was asking was impossible.
He had asked her to give up her life for him, to give up her future and the people she loved.
He didn't have any of these, for him it was easy to just get into a car and leave but not for her.
She had people who loved her; she had the chance to fulfil her dreams.
He had none of it.
All he had was his love for her, which, he knew now, wasn't returned.
He sighed.
It must have been hours now that he had been sitting in this junk of a car.
He didn't know what to do.
He didn't feel tired or hungry or thirsty.
As a matter of fact, he didn't feel anything.
All emotions seemed to have been erased, all of them expect he pain.
The pain stayed.
No matter how loud he would turn up the music, no matter who hard he tried to concentrate on the novel in his hands.
He couldn't distract himself from the fact that she had rejected him.
It was all over.
He had had Rory in his life and had lost her.
Now it was too late and he had found out he couldn't bare to live without her.
What was he supposed to do?
For the first time in his life, he couldn't just run away.
The pain would follow him wherever he went.
She would follow him.
He couldn't escape her.
She was his doom.
He should be thinking clearly now, wondering about how to survive, but he couldn't.
His mind was all on her.
He couldn't think about where to go or what to do.
He couldn't think about finding a place to stay.
He couldn't think about working or earning money.
He couldn't move on.
She had him stuck in time.
She held him back without holding on.
He sighed again.
Breathing was hard.
It didn't come natural and it was unsteady.
The weight on his chest tore him down.
He had to move, he told himself.
He had to find life again.
Suicide had crossed his mind, but he had dismissed it right away.
Wherever he would go, she would still follow him, even after death.
Death wouldn't resolve anything.
If he couldn't fix this in this world, if he couldn't find his way back into life, he would never be free of pain.
He couldn't run; he had to face his problems.
He had to try.
He had to change.
For her.
He had to try at least.
He had this one last chance left and he wouldn't dare not to take it.
He had to change.
Himself and his life.
He had to prove that what he had said was the truth.
Maybe, one day, he could go back to her and show her, what he had done, just for her.
Some day he would face her and show her that he wasn't a failure.
Even if he couldn't be with her, he wanted her to know that he wasn't just white trash.
He had to straighten out his life.
For her, only for her.
Even if he could not get her back, even if he never saw her again.
He had to do this.
He had to prove that he was worthy of something.
He had to prove that he was worthy of living in this world.
He had to prove that he could make something out of it.
He had to prove that he wouldn't run anymore.
Yes, he wouldn't run anymore.
Not from her, not from emotions, not from fear.
Most importantly not from himself.
Jess turned on the engine.
It had started to rain outside, but he didn't notice.
He didn't notice his dry mouth or the growl of his stomach.
He was wide awake.
He knew where he had to go.
He had to leave and drive as fast as he could.
He needed to get there.
He had to get to the single place on this planet that was capable of reviving him.
New York.
He had to go to New York.
There he would start new, get himself a new life.
He would do it.
For her.
In New York.
A.N: This is my take on Jess's thoughts after Rory's rejection. Please review, I would like to know what you guys think. Originally this was supposed to be a one-parter, but I can up with a story line and I could probably write a few more chapters. Just let me know what you guys think and I'll see what I'll do about this one…