I don't like thinking back. There isn't a lot of good crap back there, you know? I guess anybody that's lived can say that for something, but some people like reminiscing. Me? I'm not one of them.
I'm not much for the future, either. Looking forward pisses me off. Everything I care about's right here. It's not like I want to think about how everything's gonna change. I'm not scared of much—and you better not tell anyone this—but the thought of thinking about the future scares me sometimes.
When I was still a brat, aging was something I hated. I didn't want to grow up and get all wrinkly and weak and defenseless. I didn't want anyone having to take care of me. It pissed me off, the thought of getting old. But I never thought that I'd be here, either. I never thought about the fact that maybe I might never get old, that maybe I'd have to watch everyone around me do it and be left out in the dark.
It fucking sucks, you know.
So I'd rather think about the past, 'cause one day that's gonna be all I have. I feel like an old-timer already when I start thinking like that, but I don't give a shit. I'm not trying to feel right now, I'm just thinking.
I'm thinking about my mom passed out beside the toilet, how I'm yelling at her because I'm kinda scared I guess, and I want her to wake up. It doesn't matter because she doesn't. I'm thinking how I laid down trying to figure out if she was still breathing and smelling the gross mix of vodka and vomit on breath, and how I dragged her with all the strength in my little six-year-old body back to the living room. I remember seeing Keiko the next day when I wandered outside while my mom was still asleep and pushing her on the swings. I was pretty strong from dragging my mom out of the bathroom, you know, so Keiko liked it when I pushed her on the swings because she'd always go pretty high. I remember how hearing her laugh when I pushed her on those swings was the best thing in my whole damn day.
One day, I guess we're gonna have kids of our own and I'll probably push them on the swings, too. I bet hearing them laugh is gonna be the best thing in my whole damn day until the day they get old and die, too, and then I guess I'll push their kids on the swings, and their kids, too.
And there I go, feeling again.
You know, I guess the past and the future aren't that much different, so I don't know why I bother thinking about them at all. I think I've had enough thinking for one night. I think I'm just gonna pull Keiko a little closer, even though she's reading a book and she's probably gonna say my name in that annoyed way, and I'm gonna tell her I love her again, because just living right now is all I really want to do.