THE MEANING OF LIFE, GOLLUM AND FRIED EGGS

Chapter One: In Which Gimli has a Sudden Idea and Actually Does Something Useful for once

FROM GIMLI'S JOURNAL

I had never really pondered the meaning of life before. It all begins with the question, 'What's the point in finding out the meaning of life?'. The next question is: 'Why don't I know anything?'. The third is something along the lines of 'Why won't that show-off Legolas keep his hairdryer off in the morning?'

And then you think to yourself, 'What's my purpose? I mean, in the Fellowship I never did anything useful, so why did I become a part of it? Why am I the one always being stupid on the DVD?'

I was sitting in the tavern earlier today, pondering the meaning of life, when a great storm rose up. Being a sensible dwarf, I decided to leave for my home back in Dale. It was when I walked outside, taking with me a large Gondorian tankard (a present from the King) when I was struck by a bolt from the blue. Actually, the sky was grey that night, but you know what I mean.

The lightning missed me by an inch, and fell into my tankard, where it remained. There seemed to be some sort of energy pulsating from it.

I'll call it electricity.

Chapter Two: In Which Faramir Finds Himself in an Awkward Situation and gets a Nasty Surprise from an Old Friend

(In third person)

Faramir lay asleep on the chaise-lounge, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. His wife Eowyn was flicking through a clothes catalogue, occasionally giving exclamations of awe or amusement. Faramir did not like this time of year. He had no idea what Eowyn meant by 'A pair of size Double Ds' or 'Size 14 satin'.

"Ooh, that looks nice," she said, pointing to another white dress.

"Don't you already have that one?" Faramir replied, giving the dress a brief glimpse.

"Yes, but still…Don't you even care about my look?"

"I don't care what you look like," Faramir sighed, "For all I care you could dress like Tom Bombadil and I'd still love you." Eowyn smiled and flopped onto the four-poster bed behind her.

"That's sweet," she said as Faramir went over to join her. He fingered a curl of her light blonde hair. "Hey, how about that?" Eowyn pointed to a blue dress that looked rather revealing on the model.

"Blue?" replied Faramir awkwardly, "You never wear blue. Always white, you said."

"I know, but it would look nice with my hair…" Eowyn brushed her lips against his, and pressed her side to his.

And that was when Peregrin Took, Meriadoc Brandybuck and Samwise Gamgee materialised by the door, holding a pretzel.

Chapter Three: In Which we Find Gimli and Pippin at Work

FROM GIMLI'S JOURNAL

That idiot Pippin! I only invited him round for a drink, and he goes and dips his stupid pretzel into my invention!

Anyway, this is what happened. The pretzel sucked up all of the electricity, and turned blue. We decided to leave it alone for a bit, so Pippin put it in his pocket. Then, he says the word 'Rohan', and disappears! I was very worried, had he died? And then the stupid hobbit re-appears. It turns out that the pretzel became a device that can warp people through time and space.

So now he's run off with it, back to the Shire. I'll kill the ungrateful little moron.

Chapter Four: (Or should it be Chapter 2.5 Because it's Really Just Picking Up from Where we left Faramir and Eowyn) In Which Pippin, Merry and Sam have a lot of Explaining to do.

Back in Gondor, Faramir was trying to silently strangle three hobbits without his wife (who was currently trying to seduce him) noticing.

"What in the name of Hell do you think you're doing?" he whispered furiously. Pippin struggled to reply, and just gaped for air. Sam was turning purple

"We…were coming…to visit you," he gasped, "The pretzel can travel…through time and space!"

Faramir scowled. He looked Pippin right in the eye.

"Then you'd better use it again then!" Pippin held the pretzel, and motioned for Sam and Merry to do the same.

"The Shire!" he whispered, and vanished. And so did Faramir.

Please watch this space for Chapter Five: (Or should it be Chapter 2.5 or Chapter Four and a Bit because Chapter Four or Chapter 2.5 was so Short) In Which There is General Chaos, coming soon!