Title: Without Love/ Without Humanity
Author: Kate
Fandom: Kingdom Hearts (FF VII, FF VIII)
Pairings: Leon x Cloud Strife
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Final Fantasy or Kingdom Hearts characters or the game story lines…I do however own this idea!Notes: I'm sorry if the characterization is off…I haven't played through any of FF VII (I have seen Last Order and Advent Children as well as had extensive conversations about the game with a friend that has played through it), or all of FF VIII, and it was over two years ago when I played KH I. So Cloud is more taken from KH Chain of Memories (basically the same as KH I with a few differences in his goals and interaction with Sora and Hades), and Leon is from what remember of him in KH I, KH CoM, and what I have played of FF VIII. The end result is that this ends up being slightly A.U., in terms of characterization and other elements taken from many games and put into one.
SPOILERS: Slight spoilers for Cloud from CoM (i.e. why he is traveling), and Leon from KH I. So if you haven't really played KH I up to all of the conversations with Leon and CoM Coliseum level and care about really really minor spoilers, then don't read this. Also Spoilers for Cloud's back story in FF VII (make sure you have played AND completed FF VII before attempting this fic). However it is always best to have finished reading/ watching/ and or playing everything before reading a fic (in this case FF VII, FF VIII, KH I, KH CoM).

Love – without anyone in the world to show you, how do you even know the meaning of this word?

If he had nothing better to do, then why not wander the endless emptiness of space? He had nothing to go back to, nothing to motivate him to go forward, unless you counted humanity's need to survive. Staring at the starry sky above he couldn't figure out how he had become like this. Going from place to place without a care in the world, without a purpose. He supposed it had to do with the fact that he had nothing – no home, no memories, no family or friends – nothing.

Love – without the time you need to express and receive it properly how do you even say that you have been loved, that you loved?

Years. It had been years since he had looked at the stars and seen beauty in them. Why did he still look at them then? Why were his eyes always searching those balls of fire for something? He didn't know, and being unsure made him feel useless. But he was useless; he wasn't able to do anything where he had come from. That place was gone; it had slipped through his fingers like sand. If he could go back and do something – anything – then he would, no matter the cost. Anything would be a better sacrifice then your home, family, and friends, lost in moments before your eyes, leaving only your happy memories to turn painful, your painful ones to tear you apart.

Leon had been watching the square with blank eyes for a few lonely hours before he realized it was dark. Blue eyes trained on the large doors he counted to ten, and then let out a large breath of air. Without looking up at the night sky he began to head back toward where he was staying – had been staying – since his home had been taken away from him. As he walked back nothing pierced his perfect calm, his eyes focused only on what was in front of him. If he didn't focus on that, then his mind would wander to other things that he didn't want to remember.

It was because of this focus – his total oblivion to what was really going on around him – that he bumped into the blonde haired man that had just turned the corner in front of him. He allowed his eyes to wander upward to the other man's dull blue eyes, which shone in the moonlight. Leon muttered something like an apology before going on his way. Turning the corner he realized the other man was still standing in the alleyway, looking up at the moon.

'What does it matter what someone else does? He can waste his time looking at the moon with his dead, blue eyes.'

He went on his way, ignoring the curiosity that pounded at the back of his mind. There was no reason to get involved with someone he knew nothing about and had no interest in.

'His eyes…in the moonlight…they looked so…disconnected…'

Finally reaching his door he opened it quickly and barred himself inside. He was anxious, sweaty, uncontrolled.

'Why do his eyes keep coming to mind? What was it that made me look up?'

Pressing his back against the door he let himself slide down to the floor and stare across the room and into memory.

Sleeping wasn't something he normally did anymore. What was the point of sleeping – of living? He didn't know, and didn't think anyone would be able to tell him the answer. That's why he never asked, even though it had been on the tip of his tongue dozens of times, waiting to slip off and into conversation. When the man had bumped into him earlier that night he had almost been ready to turn around and ask him, a total stranger that he had bumped into in the dark.

'What is wrong with me? Am I losing it? Is this some sort of plague that won't leave me alone?'

As he stood watching the stars he saw one blink out and disappear, as if it were never there.

'If I disappeared…no one would know…no one would care.'

These thoughts had come and gone before. He knew it was true, but to die would take effort, strength that he didn't posses. Maybe his existence was pointless, however he felt he had no power over changing the meaning of his life. That was his curse, no will to live, but no strength to die. He was drowning in his own mind with no rescue in sight.

His feet took him to the bottom of a stone staircase where he sat down and gazed up at the stars, not really seeing them, but not really ignoring them. Just noticing – like he noticed life – noticed he existed and there was nothing he could do to change it.

He walked by the man three or four times, and each time he was still there, watching the sky with eyes dulled over with sleep. He was strange, blonde hair that managed to stand in dozens of directions, blue eyes, open and staring even in sleep, a cloak wrapped around his thin shoulders against the morning, nipping cold. His sword was slung across his back, massive and enchanting, it's cold sharp edges clear in the pale morning light from across the square.

'What am I doing? This is stupid…am I obsessed with him now?'

He forced himself to walk away, to find someone or something to take his mind off of this stranger that had captured his attention. Instead of finding distraction he found solitude, which was fine until his mind began to wander again, placing the mysterious blonde haired man back into his thoughts. Stalking away from his hidden corner of solitude he found himself staring again into the man's dull blue eyes.

"You're staring." He said before walking past Leon toward the direction he had come from.

He stood there a moment wondering if he should say something, then brushed it off. There was no reason to; no point in doing so. If he said something his hunger for contact with this man would only grow into something uncontrollable. That was the last thing he wanted, to lose control.

He hadn't said anything. He hadn't bothered the other man, although he had been able to take in more of his appearance. The other man had brown hair, dark brown eyes and a scar that ran from one side of his face to the other over the bridge of his nose. He also noticed that he had to look up, even if it was just a little, to meet this man's eyes, not that it mattered.

'Why do I care what he looks like? When I leave this town I'll never see him again. Why did I even say anything?'

/Because you need human contact…/

That's what the voice in his head always told him. He needed to communicate, to feel, to be alive – be human.

'I'm fine the way I am…I go on living…I stay alive…'

At this point it was hard even to convince himself that he was doing the right thing by isolating himself. It wasn't human, or so passersby and 'friends' had told him. But no one could really understand what it felt like to have no future, no reason to go on. If he let someone in then he might have to face that fact more than he did even now. He would have to watch their destiny unfold in front of them, while he stayed stagnant in space and time.

When he realized that he had been wandering for quite a long time he looked around to find himself in a back alley. He had no idea where he was, or how long it had taken him to get there, his feet had just moved, without any real destination. There was a waterway that went into a grate at the end of the alley, and looking up he saw the backs of buildings. He wasn't worried, just annoyed at the fact that he had been too absorbed in his own thoughts to notice which way he had gone in order to retrace his steps back to the square. Someone came up behind him, and as he turned he saw the brown haired man, again.

"Are you following me or something?" He asked, his annoyance and distain flowing into the sentence as it left his lips.

The other man frowned, "No. This is where I come to think, so if anything you're intruding on my space."

"I don't see a sign saying it's 'your' space."

"You don't even know who I am, so you wouldn't know even if there were." He crossed his arms and leaned against the wall of one of the buildings.

Cloud watched his movements intently, waiting and watching as he stood in the middle of the alleyway.

/Ask him…/

'I can't…'

/Why/

'I don't know him…'

/Then get to know him./

'I can't do that either.'

/You're only hurting yourself by not letting anyone in. If you let him in then maybe he will understand./

'And when he doesn't?'

/Forget the what ifs…just act for once. Follow your feelings./

'I lost those a long time ago.'

/Then you truly aren't human./

Cloud shook himself free of his thoughts and the voices that plagued his mind. "What?" He asked indignantly. The other man just shook his head and turned his gaze to the wall across from him. "…what's…your name then? Since I don't know it…"

"Leon. What does it matter to you?"

"Nothing."

"Then why did you ask?"

"There's no reason…I just wanted to know."

"Then what's your name?"

"…Cloud…"

i 'Why am I telling him this? There isn't any point! I don't have a purpose, so I can't –' /i

/You can't what/

'Let him in…'

/You're afraid./

'No…I'm just…'

/You don't want to get hurt then…you won't be. You can tell can't you, and that's why you're afraid./

'I'm not afraid…I can't be…'

"That's a strange name…where are you from?" Leon was surprised at being so social, he normally didn't even notice strangers, let alone talk to them.

"…I don't know." Cloud answered shifting his weight and carefully looking everywhere but at Leon.

"…"

'Why did I ask that? It was rude and he obviously doesn't want to talk about it. What if he asks me the same question? I won't answer…I will…but with what?'

/The truth./

'But there is nothing there…how would he even know what I was talking about? My world disappeared six years ago.'

/So…he says he doesn't even remember where he's from, he won't care if yours is gone./

'He's just saying that because he doesn't feel like telling me.'

/No, he's not lying. Why would he lie to you/

'Why would he tell me the truth?'

"Do you remember…I mean…where are you from?"

Leon closed his eyes, pushing back his memories for a moment, "It doesn't exist any more."

"…"

"It was taken over…no, destroyed, six years ago, by darkness."

"…"

Leon opened his eyes; Cloud was looking right at him, a look of silent understanding in his eyes. He supposed Cloud could have lost his world as well and had managed to wander here over time.

"I –" He started to say, and then realized that what he was going to say wouldn't be true. He changed his statement and continued, "I understand…not having a home to go back to."

"…And memories that tear you apart from the inside out?"

"…" How could he word what he wanted to say without making Leon feel bad, for either of them? "I'm sorry but I don't."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't remember…anything…friends, family, my home, what happened…"

"I wish I could say the same."

Cloud paused for a moment, "No you don't. Then you would only have emptiness you tear you apart on the inside. I would rather have painful memories, and purpose then this emptiness."

Leon gave Cloud a slightly confused look, "But you do have purpose…remembering, that's why you travel, right?"

"…I don't know."

"How could you not have a purpose? Everyone does, you just have to find what it is, and sometimes it isn't easy to see what it is. So you have to find it. No one is going to just tell you what to do with your life, you have to decide."

"Then what's your purpose?"

"I don't know yet…right now it's to keep on living and to one day find it…maybe go back and try to save my world from the darkness that lives there now."

Cloud took a few steps toward Leon.

'Why do I feel so attached to him?'

"You're lucky to have someone…even if it is only in your memories."

'…so attracted to him?'

"I don't see it that way." Leon had turned his attention to Cloud's eyes. They were still dull from years of lonely wandering.

"Why not? Even if it hurts you should remember, in order to honor you family and friends."

"Why do something that hurts?" His fists were clenched by his sides, his eyes narrowed and cold.

"Because sometimes we have to…in order to remain human…I figured that out, but could never really believe it myself…" He looked down at his feet, trying to keep his emotions under his control.

Leon took a step away from the wall. "What if I'm not ready to accept that? Like you."

Cloud looked up as Leon lifted his chin to see tears streaming down his cheeks. "Then maybe we can learn together…" He collapsed into Leon's arms crying. It felt so good to finally touch another human being after so long. He didn't even try to contain the tears that had been building for half a dozen years or so, he just cried into Leon's shirt, clinging desperately into his shoulders for support.

/You see…it isn't that hard to let someone in./

Four Years Later

Cloud woke up to the sun shining in his face. He pushed a hand through his blonde hair as he sat up and looked around the room. Leon mumbled something in his sleep next to him and moved closer to Cloud for warmth. Another small piece of his memory had come back to him as he had dreamed that night, and as much as he wanted to tell Leon about it he couldn't help but smile at the peaceful sleeping form next to him. Lying back down he reached a hand around Leon's waist and closed his eyes again. It could wait, he had all of his life to remember and share with Leon.

"Cloud…are you awake?"

"Mmmmph…" Cloud rolled over and looked at Leon. "Maybe…"

"…You woke up earlier. I know you did, now get up."

"That means you have to get up too."

They both grudgingly sat up and wiped the sleep from their eyes. Then Leon got up and began getting dressed.

Cloud watched for a moment before saying anything. "I remembered something else last night…"

"Really?" Leon finished pulling his shirt over his head then sat on the bed next to Cloud. "You want to tell me?" He asked, he always asked first.

He nodded slowly then began arranging the events in his mind. "I used to be in SOLDIER…or at least I think I was. My friend Zack…I'm not sure if he's come up before or not, but he and someone else - I'm not sure who - were in SOLDIER. I met them there, I wanted to become a SOLDIER…I was really happy back then…" Leon gave him a funny look. "I'm serious. Maybe being alone for so long got rid of my hyper-ness…" He smiled softly and let his head fall onto Leon's shoulder.

"Well I believe you then." He put an arm around Cloud, pulling him into an embrace. "I trust you and I don't want you to ever have to think anything other than that I love you."

"Thanks…"

"You're always welcome, you know that."

"I know…"

"Now come on, get dressed."

Cloud stood up and found a clean pair of pants. "Why are you so eager to get up today?"

Leon stood as well and handed Cloud a shirt, "Because we are going to tear apart that library until we can figure out where you are from." Cloud smiled and Leon kissed him, one arm wrapped loosely around Cloud's waist. "And when we do we'll find some way to get to your world and get your memories back."

"Thanks…again."

"Of Course."

"Letting you in to my heart was the best decision I ever made."

"I would have to agree."

END

End Notes: I figured I would point a few things out before ending this Fic completely, just in case of any confusion along the way. (And by reading the Fic I assume that you have finished the following games: FF VII, FF VIII, KH I, and KH CoM (not as important to have finished FF VIII or CoM), there are spoilers for those games below, in order to clarify parts of the Fic.) So…

The very first two paragraphs are from Cloud's POV, then the second (after the 's) are from Leon's

The town they are in during the first part is Traverse Town (for anyone confused about location)

The second location (after the Four Years Later) is Hollow Bastion (which is where Leon, Yuffie, Cid, and Areith are from in KH I)

Leon says: "It was taken over…no, destroyed, six years ago, by darkness." In KH I it has been nine years since Hollow Bastion was taken over by the Heartless under the rule of Ansem (and the Disney villains), thus this Fic starts three years before that. There is no indication that Leon and Cloud ever met before, other than when you fight against the two of them in one of the tournaments in the Coliseum world.

At the very end Cloud tells Leon about his memory, this is actually playing off of what Cloud thinks is his memory in FF VII, but it actually Zack's memory. Cloud never made it to the level of SOLDIER.

In CoM Cloud does not play quite the same role as in KH I. He does work for Hades in both (killing/ wearing out Hercules for him), however In KH I Hades promises to help Cloud find someone, whereas in CoM he promises to help Cloud regain his missing memories. I use this Cloud more than the one from KH I, but Leon is the KH I version.