Star Fox: Abomination
Achtung! I do not own any Star Fox characters or the story line that follows. All credit for stated retardedness goes straight to my "good" buddy, the author of Star Fox: Armageddon. Except of course the characters which are owned by Namco and Nintendo. This story was Co-Authored by OrangeKat, a.k.a. OrangeFat as insulted by the author of Star Fox: Armageddon himself. (We decided not to state the author's name, under the fear of hurting someone's feelings).
And now for the story...
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Chapter 1: Some Random Words
It has been six years since Star Fox did anything at all (useless vermin). The Lylat Federation had a tough time recovering from various highly classified threats such as the (unreported) writing of a horrifyingly awful Star Fox fanfic which shook the system to its core. For a while there was nothing to do but sit down, cry your eyes out, pick yourself up off the ground, brush off the tiny vampiric forest creatures, and order pizza. Since then the Lylatian Federation has made some startlingly tremendous steps forward in the recovery process.
Great Fox II, Macbeth Orbit, Starboard section, forward wing, deck 6, section 8C, Hallway.
Fox strolled down the hall with no destination in mind. Things had been pretty quiet for the last six years, except for the incident two months ago with the clogged toilet, which flooded six floors. Fox, of course, led an extensive investigation, but it was only a ploy to draw the blame away from himself.
Fox looked around for something to take the edge off the boredom and found himself standing in front of Krystal's door.
She's usually good for some excitement, he thought to himself with a ridiculous grin on his face.
Without warning an violent explosion rocked the ship, knocking Fox off his feet and onto the floor. He tried to pick himself up off the floor, shaking his head to clear his vision, when the door before him opened and his darling wife Krystal stepped into the hallway.
"Fox! What are you doing on the floor?" Krystal demanded of the prone form before her.
"Apparently an explosion has rocked the ship, casting me to the ground!" Fox shouted. He raised his hand and waved it under Krystal's blue vulpine nose. "Help me up, you voluptuous vixen!"
Krystal paused for a moment. A wonderful realization came to her mind; could it possibly be...?
"Fox, I just realized something."
"What could possibly be more important than an explosion rocking the ship, casting me to the ground!" Fox demanded irritably.
"Every time someone new starts speaking, a new paragraph is started!"
"Golly gee whiz! Finally! Now help me up." Krystal grabbed Fox's outstretched hand levering the ginger fox to his feet. "Krystal, we need to get to the bridge so we can find out what caused the explosion, rocking the ship, and violently casting me to the ground!"
"You're right! I completely forgot about it! Let's go!" Without further ado, the pair ran to the bridge.
Once they had arrived they noticed that nobody else was there, not even ROB!
"Where the heck is everybody?" demanded Fox, immediately placing hands on hips, very much resembling a sulky five-year-old.
"They're probably still asleep, give them a few more hours." Krystal replied.
"How could anyone sleep through an explosion that rocked the ship, violently casting me to the ground!" (Authors' note: for the sake of hilarity this will be the last time we use that joke, mainly because it's in danger of being overused.)
Fox ran to the intercom and shouted a message into the microphone.
"WAKE UP YOU LAZY BUMS!" Fox screamed into the microphone. A few moments later he gently cleared his throat and said in a soft pleasant voice: "And please report immediately to the bridge, thank you, and have a nice day."
When the rest of the crew arrived they gaped in horror at the space battle unfolding in front of them, which they had strangely, never noticed before.
"Rob, what's happening?" Fox asked.
"Isn't it obvious you twit, there are Lylatian Federation pilots using WASD-Ctr-Alt-Del class Arwings fighting Invader DCLXXXVII's." Rob answered in his standard monotone.
"Huh? Oh never mind." Fox grumbled, rolling his eyes. Then Slippy Toad, the green toad, spoke into the silence.
"Rob, I know this has nothing to do with the battle at hand, but I want the Invader DCLXXXVII's stats, stat."
"Yes Slippy, because everybody knows that we have the exact stats on highly classified enemy ships." Rob stated almost managing to put sarcasm in his monotone.
"You are one nasty robot." Slippy growled, shaking his fist in Rob's general direction.
"Those Invader DCLXXXVII's look like pansies. Wilted pansies." Falco sneered, arrogantly tossing his feathers away from his face. "I could take them all on by myself with both hands tied behind my back, blindfolded, no guns, completely naked, covered in butter and fire ants."
"Now now Falco." Peppy said encouragingly, wagging his finger back and forth, to-and-fro, disapprovingly. "Don't get cocky."
"Heh heh, you said cocky." Falco giggled before turning around and jogging off to the gym for no apparent reason.
Fox was a little disgruntled by Falco's sudden departure but turned to his teammates and addressed them in a grave tone.
"Alright everybody, listen up. We are about to engage a mysterious enemy with no remorse or pity. We have no idea what the Venomians' intentions are, but it is quite clear that they are up to no good, and they need to be stopped as soon as... ooh look, a peanut!" He exclaimed happily swiping up a nut resting at his feet. "I like peanuts. I wonder what Falco's up to!" Fox said to himself, turning around and skipping, happily off to the gym.
Peppy watched Fox go, a confused expression etched into his aging features.
"We really need to get him some more medication for his ADD..."
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Fox entered the gym and stopped as a sudden thought dawned on him...
Why am I at the gym? Wasn't there a tremendous explosion that --CENSORED-- off my feet? He shrugged and watched Falco lift weights.
"Falco, you're such a fat pig, why do you even bother trying?" He teased with a snide grin. Falco slowly looked up at him, a fire of irritation burning in his eyes.
"If you're so smart what do you think I should do, huh?"
"Well, for one thing, you could try giving up pizza, chocolate, potato chips, fudge, ice cream, bok choy, cookies, tofu, cake, green salad, alcohol, tobacco, crack cocaine, crystal meth, mary jane, sniffing glue, wet paint, uppers, downers, and tranks." Fox replied immediately.
Falco looked at Fox for a moment then continued lifting weights in silence. Fox decided to run on a treadmill to build up his strength for the coming battle. Even though the battle was already there. And since he would be fighting in his Arwing there would be little physical exertion needed. You ask yourself, why is he doing this? It's the principal of the thing.
End of chapter one. Yes, it really is the end, we're sorry to say.
Authors' Note: We want your input to decide on whether to continue this comedy. If you leave a review please place a vote saying yea or nay. Do you think it would be hilarious to continue this spoof, or do you think it is funnier to leave it as it is? We want your opinion! Thank you and have a nice day.