Worst Christmas Ever
December 25
Today I battled a racnoss, and won, obviously evident by the fact I'm writing in the journal. It was the usual "I will conquer Earth for my selfish needs", and refused to accept my help when I offer it. What is it about Christmas invasions on Earth?
I thought I met a new companion to join me on my travels. Her name was Donna. I asked her to come along with me since I'm…alone now. She said no, but she hopes I find someone to keep me in check. In particular, she wants me to find her.
I said goodbye to her today, right before Donna appeared on the TARDIS. I don't know how much time has passed for her since I've spoken to her. Time will never be the same for her again. She can no longer jump through time without me by her side. She has to wait out her days in a linear progression, away from me.
I still see her possessions strewn around the TARDIS, and I can't bear to get rid of them. That would make it final. I know I can't get her back. That is a lie. I can. If I did get her back, it would destroy our universe.
All I want to do is search for a hole in the universe that can take me to her, but the closest I found was a small pocket just to talk to her. I burned up a sun just to say goodbye. I want to rip apart all of time and space just to have her next to me.
My sweet, beautiful, compassionate, Rose.
I won't do it though. I have a responsibility. The last of the Time Lords, my gift and curse. I can never do what's best for me, but what is best for the good of everyone. Yet they sit happily on their planets, never realizing what I have to sacrifice for them.
I would have domesticated for her. I know I always appeared to have a certain disdain for that life, but I was a different man when I said those words, quite literally. I knew it the first day in my new body, sitting around the table in Jackie's kitchen, sharing presents, and food. I was happy. I knew she was human, but ideas kept running through my head. Maybe I could have stopped my body from regenerating, or find a way to prolong her life. We could have found a way.
She told me she would stay with me forever on a planet with pink skies. I remember smiling at her the special smile I always save when I look at her face. My big dopey grin, and she would always respond with her special smile for me, the one with the tongue poking out just a bit. Taunting me. I believed her. There was nothing she wouldn't do for me, and I for her. She was so compassionate. She helped anyone she could, without any regards for her safety. Oh, how that infuriated me.
Even now, if there's one thing I believe in, I believe in her. Out of all the people I have met in the universe, out of all the places I traveled to, she was my absolute favorite.
I can remember our last Christmas together. I just regenerated, and she was so unsure of me. I was shocked at how much that hurt. Here we are a year later, and I won't ever see her face again. It's hard to wrap my head around that she won't be there to face the dangers with me, or have her hand to hold when we would just walk around, and explore.
I can still smell her scent. That intoxicating scent would draw me into her dangerously close. We would make up any excuse to touch, our hands would linger, saying what we never had the courage to say aloud.
I keep telling myself at least she's safe, and that is fine for a few minutes, but it is never enough. I even saw a girl who reminded me of her at Donna's reception. It was just the hair. Rose had prettier eyes, and a better frame…the shade of blonde didn't even really match Rose's. It was right before I realized we were getting ambushed, it was a distraction at least. The biodamper didn't work. To be honest, the biodamper was a ring I bought for Rose on our first trip together in this new body, a belated Christmas present. I never worked up the courage to give it to her. I knew her culture held a certain importance to males giving females a ring, and I was scared of her reaction. The ring was the only thing I had in my pocket at the time. It felt like I was going to regenerate when I had to give it away, but Rose would have wanted that. She wouldn't have hesitated if it meant helping someone in need.
Saying goodbye to her was the hardest thing I have done in a long, long time. I never even got to tell her how I really felt about her.
(I want her back so bad.)
Today was the worst Christmas I have ever lived.