A/N: I own nothing in this song fic. The song is I Will Not Say Goodbye by Danny Gokey which is not mine and everything else is J.K. Rowling's. This is my first song fic, I hope it's all right. It is in dedication to the lost life of Sirius Black. R&R please. Thank you very much. :]
Harry Potter sat down in the living room of Grimmauld Place, staring into the dying flames of the fireplace and a book in his lap. It was late: three o'clock in the morning and he was the only one awake out of the two people staying in number twelve. It was the summer holidays and it had only been a month since the death of his godfather, Sirius Black and Harry felt no better now than the night it had happened.
Not to mention it was my fault, Harry said and looked down at the book in his lap, opening the cover and was immediately hit with a fresh wave of tears threatening to fall from his eyes.
Sometimes the road just ends,
Changes everything you've been.
And all that's left to be,
Is empty, broken, lonely, hoping.
I'm supposed to be strong.
I'm supposed to find a way to carry on.
Harry stared at the picture of his parents' wedding and watched as Sirius threw his arm around James Potter and they both laughed as Remus Lupin gave Lily Potter nee Evans a big hug. He gazed sadly at the happy face of godfather and thought back to the life he had lived; going from a happy young best man to a convicted murderer to an Azkaban escapee and finally, to his death in the Department of Mysteries trying to save Harry and his friends who Harry had foolishly led to the Ministry. He turned the page and stared at the new picture looking up at him.
I don't wanna feel better.
I don't wanna not remember.
I will always see your face,
In the shadows of this haunted place.
I will laugh, I will cry,
Shake my fist at the sky,
But I will not say goodbye.
A tear fell down Harry's cheek as he looked at the "Have You Seen This Wizard?" poster and gazed into Sirius' haunted eyes. He had looked so awful during his third year having just escaped Azkaban prison and obsessed with catching the real betrayer and murderer, Peter Pettigrew. He had been filthy, thin, and could have easily been mistaken for the insane mad mass murderer he was depicted as. However, he was far from it. Sirius had lost everything on Halloween of 1981; his friends…his family…his freedom. In some ways, Sirius had gained his freedom when he escaped Azkaban, but he was still trapped and not just in Grimmauld Place. He had been trapped in his own guilt over having been a part of his best friends' murders and his guilt of not having been there for Harry.
Harry turned the page again and felt more than just one tear leave his eyes.
They keep saying time will heal,
But the pain just gets more real.
The sun comes up each day,
Finds me waiting, fading, hating, praying.
If I can keep on holding on,
Maybe I can keep my heart
From knowing that you're gone.
Harry held back a sob as he looked down through blurry eyes at the picture of Sirius from Harry's fourth year and read the letter that was beside it. They had frequently corresponded during Harry's fourth year, Harry finally having someone he could trust and talk to…someone to care about and love him. He read the letter that Sirius had sent him at the end of his third year:
Dear Harry,
I hope this finds you before you reach your aunt and uncle. I don't know whether they're used to owl post.
Buckbeak and I are in hiding. I won't tell you where, in case this falls into the wrong hands. I have some doubt about the owl's reliability, but he is the best I could find, and he did seem eager for the job.
I believe the Dementors are still searching for me, but they haven't a hope of finding me here. I am planning to allow some Muggles to glimpse me soon, a long way from Hogwarts, so that the security on the castle will be lifted.
There is something I never got round to telling you during our brief meeting. It was I who sent you the Firebolt. Crookshanks took the order to the Owl Office for me. I used your name but told them to take the gold from Gringotts vault number seven hundred and eleven—my own. Please consider it as thirteen birthdays' worth of presents from your godfather.
I would also like to apologise for the fright I think I gave you, that night last year when you left your uncle's house. I had only hoped to get a glimpse of you before starting my journey north, but I think the sight of me alarmed you.
I am enclosing something else for you, which I think will make your next year at Hogwarts more enjoyable.
If ever you need me, send word. Your owl will find me.
I'll write again soon.
Sirius
P.S. I thought your friend Ron Weasley might like to keep this owl, as it's my fault he no longer has a rat.
Harry remembered when he had pulled out the Hogsmeade permission form to see Sirius had signed it for him. The next year, he and Sirius had kept in constant contact. He turned the page again and this time a sob escaped him.
I don't wanna feel better.
I don't wanna not remember.
I will always see your face,
In the shadows of this haunted place.
I will laugh, I will cry,
Shake my fist at the sky,
But I will not say goodbye.
Someone had clearly taken a picture of Harry and Sirius the night Harry had arrived at Grimmauld Place during the summer holidays before his fifth year. He had entered the kitchen only to be embraced by his godfather and then by Remus Lupin. Someone had taken a picture of Harry and Sirius holding each other and Harry felt grateful to them at this moment. Another strong feeling of guilt tore through his body and he wished with all his heart that he could hug Sirius again…just once more.
"Harry?" someone said and Harry looked up to see Remus staring down at him sadly. Remus Lupin, his new godfather. Harry was happy to have Remus but he couldn't let go of Sirius just yet…if ever. Harry didn't say anything but looked back to the photo album in his hands and turned a page to see the final picture ever to be taken of Sirius, making Harry cry harder. Remus walked over to him and sat down, putting an arm around his godson's shoulders.
I will curse, I will pray,
I'll relive every day,
I will shoulder the pain,
I will shout out your name.
I will laugh, I will cry,
Shake my fist at the sky,
But I will not say,
Will not say goodbye.
"I know you miss him," Remus whispered. "I do too, but remember that he's never truly gone. As long as you keep his memory alive in your heart."
"It's not fair," Harry said and Remus almost didn't hear it.
"I know, Harry. I know," Remus sighed and hugged Harry tightly who stopped trying to hold back his tears and cried into his guardian's shirt. Remus didn't bother trying to halt his tears but let them fall as well. Why pretend everything was okay when it clearly wasn't? He and Harry had just lost someone they both loved so much. It wouldn't be right to try and forget it had happened…to try and pretend they were fine.
"It's not fair," Harry repeated weakly.
"I know, Harry, but to keep him alive, never say goodbye to him. You can accept he's gone, but never say goodbye," Remus told him and kissed the top of his head.
Will not say goodbye.
Will not say…
The End