Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach
Well, hi everyone! XD I was having a hard time with Life and the Unexpected, but then my mind popped with an idea I couldn't get out my head. Since I was getting bored and irritated, I came out with this. Now READ IT! XD
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"Taichou? Are you in here?" Ohmeada gulped and opened the door slowly. Peering into the dark room of the 2nd division's office, he easily found the petite captain in her usual spot. The dim light of her 'laptop' as she enlightened him a week before was hard not to miss when there was no other light in the room. He cautiously entered the room but winced when he heard her speak.
"Ohmaeda, you should be sleeping." Her tone held the same strictness and command as always, even when it was early morning. Her eyes didn't even flicker off the screen to acknowledge him. They seemed intent on reading whatever was on the screen. Her frowning expression seemed to say so.
Unsure of how to respond, he tried to provide a suitable answer. "Yes, I know taichou," he said nervously, "But I wanted to see if you were still staying up today to…" Nope, his mind wouldn't let him finish the sentence. Luckily, Soi Fong had understood what he meant.
"Well I am here, aren't I?" She didn't look up to see him nod but continued on. "Leave me, it will be best for you to sleep what little hours you have left before taking on the new recruits. I will be done soon."
Relieved he wasn't yelled at like some other nights before, he bowed before excusing himself. "Hai, taichou."
She barely heard him go. Soi Fong was slightly obsessed with the new laptop she had obtained in the living world and ever since she came across a website of fan-fiction, she became drawn towards it every time she logged on. She was currently in the section Anime and the category Naruto. The captain grudgingly admitted she was intrigued by the ninjas and their missions. But, when she came across stories labeled yuri, well…
The first time she realized what was happening in a 'yuri' story, she flew back with an inward gasp and stayed a good amount of distance away, her eyes wide and aghast at what she found. She wanted to close the laptop but that would've mean for her to touch the now tainted electronic. So why was she still reading fan-fiction? Curiosity had gotten the best for her.
Letting out a sigh and stretching her sore muscles, Soi Fong gave one last look at the screen before logging out and turning off the computer. Taking a hold of it, the silver-eyed captain made her way through the office and out the path she always took to arrive at her chambers. Words from the stories she read flew in and out her mind.
"Maybe I should take a break from all this researching," she frowned to herself. Yes, she called this research. Research of what goes through the minds of the living. From what she read, just about everything ran through their minds. She didn't bother reading Humor. Laughing wasn't what she was looking for.
When she entered through the shoji door, her eyes drew to the laptop in her hands. She bit her lip and tried not to give into temptation. "It wouldn't hurt to take one last look before sleeping, would it?" Hurriedly, before she could change her mind, she jumped onto her bed and flicked the life switch of her new fascination.
As she browsed the selection of Naruto and practically scanned story after story, she knitted her eyebrows. "Why do they call Sasuke emo?" she asked herself confusingly. " What is an emo?" Recalling the rumor of the 3rd division's lieutenant of being 'emo' as well, she decided to inquire the fuku-taichou tomorrow. "If I ask him, I should be able to understand this more," she muttered.
Scrolling down and finding a story with a really weird summary, she rolled her eyes and continued searching. Sometimes she never understood what the people were saying and that made her very irritated. Maybe she should file a complaint. But being a spirit, how the hell could she do that? Who cares, she thought, she wasn't about to waste her time doing that.
When she clicked to go to the next page, she mulled over her observations. There weren't many yaoi pairings were there? SasukexNaruto seemed the main one… But then Soi Fong saw a NarutoxGaara story. And then, the people went on and paired Sasuke or Naruto with Sakura and Hinata! Was it like this in every category?
Soi was getting angry because she didn't know which ones to read. "Can't these people make up their mind?!" she growled. "Honestly, how is a person supposed to choose between all these people?" She shook her head and skipped to the next page. "I knew I should've bought those manga…" she sighed.
As Soi talked to herself irritably and hunted for a sensible story to read, she didn't notice her shoji door sliding open and then close. Yellow eyes glowed in the darkness of the room and the small head of a black cat cocked towards its side, the expression on the cat's face curious. Yoruichi came to visit her little bee tonight to see how she was doing but after overhearing what Soi had just said, she figured she was busy. Not at all caring, she lightly walked towards the bed and stretched on the floor. Amused, she laid on the floor and waited. This should be fun, she thought with a low purr and closed her eyes.
Finally finding something that sounded interesting, she eagerly clicked it. Soi scanned the page, word after word, and surprisingly satisfied with the first chapter, clicked onto the second. Almost two hours had past and the story was coming to a climax. Soi's eyes widened as she read the highlight of the story. T-they… Those two girls, they…
She finally snapped. "OH, KAMI! Is everyone turning lesbian?!" She yelled exasperatedly to the ceiling. "First them, and then her, and then those other girls in that one story, and then Tsunade with her students… ALMOST EVERY FEMALE NINJA IS A LESBIAN!!" She shook her fist, an act she would never do if fan-fiction hadn't started to influence her. "WHY DON'T YOU JUST START A LESBIAN HAREM, HUH?! YOU'VE ALREADY GIVEN NARUTO ONE!" She was going to rant more but then a voice brought her back.
"My, my. Something must've happened to my little bee while I was gone, ne?"
Fist still in the air, Soi Fong snapped her head to the side and, finding no one there, blinked. "Who's there?" she called out, her voice surprisingly timid but still strong. Her prideful fist was already slumping and she was embarrassed at being caught doing something so unlike her. "Did I just imagine…?" Then she heard a cough.
"I'm down here, little bee."
Freezing, dread entered her system and Soi Fong slowly brought her gaze to the floor. She was met with an amused cat who, with a poof, transformed into her former mentor. Of course, knowing she would be nude, Soi hurriedly turned the other way with a blush. How did Yoruichi get in without my detection? Damn fan-fiction for doing this to me!
"Still as innocent as ever I see," Yoruichi teased and without asking permission, opened Soi's closet to put on a spare yukata. "I'm sure you don't mind if I take one, right Soi? Of course, if you do, I can always stay na---"
"No, no, it's fine!" Soi Fong hastily assured her, "Just please warn me next time, alright?" In her head she was calculating a plan, or to simply put it, an excuse or reason to why she was ranting off nonsense. Why did she have to be caught by Yoruichi of all people?
After slipping on the yukata, the agile woman decided to do more teasing. "So, about those female ninjas being lesbians…" Yoruichi smirked when she saw Soi's body flinch. "Can you tell me why you were yelling that?"
"I, uh… Well…" Soi Fong finally turned back to face the playful woman but her gaze was fixed to the ground. Lucky for her, the golden-eyed goddess kept speaking…or was that unlucky?
"No worries!" Yoruichi said cheerfully. Gliding across the room and dropping on the bed beside the surprised captain, Yoruichi winked at her and continued mischievously, "I'll just see what you were reading!"
A horrified expression seemed to instantly cross Soi's face (she's been horrified so many times this week, she doesn't even know how she made it without fainting). Yoruichi laughed and, eager to see what made her little bee explode like that, turned her attention enthusiastically to the screen.
"Y-Yoruichi-sama…," Soi started to say but like her fuku-taichou earlier, she couldn't finish the sentence she wanted to say. Crap, since Yoruichi is the goddess of flash, she must be a faster reader than me! By the looks of everything, Yoruichi was done in no time just as her little bee predicted.
But what her sempai said next wasn't exactly what she was expecting. "You know Soi Fong," the goddess said, her bright golden eyes twinkling with mischief, "If you wanted, I could've lent you Kisuke's yuri, you know." Soi's jaw dropped but Yoruichi, not quite bothering to noticing this, continued on amusedly, "He has boxes of them in his basement. He's so stupid; thinking that I wouldn't find out. He doesn't even know that I have a photo of him and his hello kitty. You know, in case for blackmail---"
Not needing to hear this, the petite captain furiously shook her head. "No Yoruichi, you got it all wrong!" Yoruichi paused briefly at Soi's sudden interjection and then gave a smirk. Clearly provoked by this, Soi stammered, "I-I just read those stories be…because I-I was curious and---"
"Curious?" Yoruichi interrupted with a smirk still snug on her lips, "Haven't you ever heard about 'Curiosity killed the cat'? Come now little bee, you've been stuck on this for a whole week---"
"Wait, how did you know I---"
"I had your lieutenant report to me." Yoruichi's smirk turned into her signature one. Yes peoples, the woman has more than one kind of smirk.
"But how?" Soi asked incredulously. In her mind, where she was still the stern captain of the Special Forces, she thought darkly, I'm going to kill him one day, and then bring him back and do it all over again---the traitor!
"Bribing, that's all," Yoruichi answered simply. "Now, back to you and your obsession with yuri…" The ex-princess broke into laughter when Soi glared at her. "What? You have a better word for it?" The woman grinned when Soi only gave a 'hmph' as a response. "Now, do you want me to help you stop? You reading yuri is a bit of a turn on---" Soi gave another hard glare "---but I think you should stop before you go crazy." The ex-princess chuckled.
Soi Fong grumbled and Yoruichi heard something like, 'I'm not crazy…' and '…stupid fan-fiction…' The captain finally surrendered with a sigh. "Fine, I'll accept your help," Soi gave in with a scowl.
"There, you're almost back to your normal self, Soi!" Yoruichi exclaimed merrily with a wide smile and began to thump her former pupil hard on the back. "You're already scowling!"
Soi Fong let out a small 'oof' every time Yoruichi thumped her but soon spoke up. "But Yoruichi, Urahara has to join in too." The thumping paused and Soi seriously hoped nothing disastrous will happen. Relief filled her when the thumping came back.
"Good idea!" Yoruichi exclaimed again, "That pervert needs to stop reading porn now!" She leaned in close and whispered mischievously, "We can burn his yuri collection for starters---I can already see him on his knees crying!" The evil woman threw her head back and laughed wickedly. "Mwuhahahahahaha!"
Soi Fong, scared shitless, only bobbed her head quickly in agreement.
Later on that oh, so wonderful day…
"NO, MY BELOVED COLLECTION!! MY SWEET, SEXY, SECRET COLLECTION!! WHY, YORUICHI, WHY?!" And just as Yoruichi had predicted, Kisuke broke down on his knees and cried…pitifully.
Soi, on the other hand, sat crisscrossed with an irritable expression on her face. "Oh, shut up! She took my laptop and my printed copies of yuri! Not only that, but somehow some rat spread a false rumor about me being a lesbian!" Her right eye twitched. "Once I'm free, I'm hunting my suspects down!"
As the two who are now on the same boat express their anger and pitiful misery their own way, Yoruichi just kept adding and adding to the burning pile of Mount Yuri. Yep, it even has a name. She quietly snickered to herself. Those two didn't know that the burning pile of paper was just that. Paper. Who was she to pass out a chance on money? That yuri collection was gonna make her filthy rich.
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Evil ain't she? And you know who im talking about! xD Hope you all laughed at one part, at least!