Crash And Burn
Author: DKM
Synopsis: After Iced, Billie is having trouble kicking her habit and spirals out of control while Van can only watch.
Rating: PG-13
Type: Song Fic
Author's Note: This is my first fic in a very long time. I'm trying to work my way through a very rough time in my life right now because I just lost one of my best friends. This story kinda parallels what's happening in my life right now, minus the happy ending.
Dedication: This story is dedicated to one of my best friends, Tom. Thanks for everything, buddy. Hope you're doing alright wherever you end up for the next year. Luv ya lots, my "bueno" amigo.
Disclaimer: All rights to Fastlane belong to Fox and any of its affiliated networks. Lyrics belong to Savage Garden. I'm just messing around here to make my life a little less shitty, so please don't take it personally.
When you feel alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild, wild heart
I know that you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief
And people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and
You feel like you can't take anymore
One phone call was all it took to wake him. One word was all it took for him to rush out of bed and head for the door. "Van," she whispered, her usually rich voice sounding shaky and weak on the other end. Van Ray knew it was a cry for help. It didn't take much to worry him, and even less when it came to his friends.
His boss, Billie Chambers, had just finished her second stint in rehab for a heroine overdose he wished she had never received in the first place. Van would always think back to "that bitch" who, with one of Billie's former employees, had nearly poisoned him to death. It was a day he had tried to forget, but never could. It replayed in the back of his mind like a horror movie stuck on repeat. But what had angered him most was that Billie had gotten caught in the middle of it.
Van still hadn't forgiven himself for what happened to her. She had been clean for 3 years before the incident, but the second the drug entered her system, she was hooked once again. Billie claimed that she was alright, but when heroine started to go missing at the Candy Store, Van and his partner, Deaq Hayes, knew exactly what was going on.
There was a hard decision that both needed to make: tell Captain Perish or let Billie spiral out of control. They chose to tell the Captain. He hadn't been surprised, though. He knew it was coming. He, too, could see her decline in progress. Billie was one driven woman, but with the drugs in her system, the fire in her life seemed to fade. She had become a shell of the person she once was, and it was time that she faced the music once more and own up to her problem.
Billie hadn't been a happy camper when she found out her own employees had sold her out to her boss. She vehemently denied taking the drugs, saying she was fine and that there was nothing wrong. When they tried to help her, she kicked and screamed and fought until she had overdosed again. That time, Billie had nearly died, prompting Van, Deaq, and Captain Perish to put her through rehab for three months.
Van could still remember the night her found her passed out on the floor of the Candy Store, the syringe still in her arm and a spoon and lighter sitting beside her. She was still alive, but barely. Her breathing had slowed to almost nothing, and her heart had practically stopped beating. Frantically, Van had called for an ambulance and did what he could to keep her alive. That was another memory that wouldn't stop playing in his head. It ate away at him like a parasite, keeping him awake at night for hours at a time.
That night, Billie had been rushed to the hospital to receive immediate treatment for her overdose, and when she regained consciousness, it didn't take her long to figure out what had happened. She wouldn't speak to anyone she had once been close to, fearing what they'd say. It wasn't until she had actually been moved to the rehab facility did she finally realize her friends didn't think less of her. If anything, they had come to appreciate her even more during this trying time, and were by her side as she struggled with her addiction.
Now that the three months were finally over and she was home, Billie still seemed a little scared and distant. Something had changed about her, something that only Van seemed to notice. He had pulled her aside one night to see if she would reveal what was bothering her, but Billie remained silent. Van could only offer his friendship to her at that time, and a promise if she ever needed anything, she could call him whenever and he'd be there.
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
"Billie, are you okay?" Van asked gently as he reached for the doorknob of his new apartment and yanked the door open. His voice was laden with concern for her wellbeing as he rushed down the stairwell towards his car.
"No," she choked back her sob. Billie was strong when she needed to be, Van gave her that, but right now she was as fragile as glass. What had happened to the bad ass, hard nosed, can't-take-no-for-an-answer woman he knew when he first arrived at the Candy Store? She was still somewhere in there, behind whatever pain she was wallowing in. He'd get it out of her tonight, one way or another.
Van quickly got into the car, a barrowed lime green Charger from the Candy Store, and pulled out of the parking lot, tires squealing against pavement as he hit the gas. "I'll be there soon," he reassured Billie as he sped down the nearly empty streets of LA. The clock was approaching 3AM, a time when the city was finally dying down from its partying.
"I really need you," Billie barely whispered. The urgency of the situation had just reached its pinnacle with those four words. Van stepped on the gas, blowing stop signs and red lights. He could only hope that no other cops were around; not being able to carry a badge did have its drawbacks. He didn't need to get stopped for speeding right now. Billie was his top priority. He hung up the phone, throwing it into the passenger's seat beside him.
Van knew there was more to this little late night rendezvous with his boss than he would let on. He had feelings for her, of that he had no doubt, but how deep they ran was questionable. It seemed that whenever something went wrong and one of the three was in trouble, they grew closer. In this instance, they were closer than ever. The strong need to be with her and help her through this tough time was what drove Van. He loved his friends like he loved his family, because to him, they were his family. Nothing came between them, and nothing would break them apart.
Pulling into the parking lot of Billie's apartment complex, Van put his phone in his pocket and grabbed the keys out of the ignition. He dashed up the stairs, hoping the situation wasn't as bad as Billie made it seem. But deep down, he knew. If Billie showed any sign of intense emotion, something wasn't right.
The door to Billie's apartment was slightly ajar. Something inside Van told him to draw his gun, but he pushed the feeling aside as he slowly opened the door. He could hear Billie's muffled sobs coming from the kitchen. As he looked around, Van could see that the place was spotless. Nothing seemed to be out of place. But there was another awful feeling that grew in the pit of his stomach.
When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel you can't face the day
Van slowly made his way through the apartment, listening to Billie as she cried softly. "Billie?" he softly called out her name as he approached the kitchen. Peeking around the edge of the door, he saw her sitting on the floor, her back against the far corner of the wall. Her bare legs were pulled tight against her chest while her arms lay crossed on top of her knees. Her head rested on top of her arms as she cried. In her right hand she held a large kitchen knife. Beside her, a lighter and a clean spoon were strewn across the white marble floor.
"Billie?" Van asked again, his voice remaining calm and collected while his insides twisted and turned at the sight of her in such distress. The drug paraphernalia had alarmed him, but he knew in order to reach her, he needed to stay as calm as possible.
Billie looked up, slightly startled. She tightened her grip on the knife as she sat up. The frightened look on her tear stained face said it all; she was going through hell. "Van?" she replied, her voice slightly cracking.
He made his way to the corner and knelt down in front of her. "I'm here," Van whispered as he wrapped his fingers around the hand that held the knife and tried to pry it out of her grasp.
Billie pulled away, holding the knife away from him. She shook her head, telling Van to stay where he was. There was something on her mind, something she needed to tell him, but was having a hard time doing so. More tears spilled down her cheeks as he sat back on his heels and watched her.
Van looked back at his boss. He couldn't help but wonder what was going on in her head. Why was she in so much pain? Van delicately placed a hand on her arm. He knew he was in danger, especially with the knife still hanging above her head, but he took the chance anyway. He stayed still as her eyes made contact with his. The pain he saw within in them broke his heart. "Billie, what's wrong?" he had to ask.
Billie shook her head again, making it seem like she didn't want to tell him, but then she whispered, "I can't do this anymore." The hand that held the knife slowly lowered so that it was now resting on her right knee as the blade made contact with her left wrist.
Van tensed, ready to tackle her at any moment if the knife dug into her skin, but Billie made no move to cut herself. Instead, she let the knife blade fall to its side, but never let go of the handle. Van's mind was running a mile a minute. He wanted to know what was going on, why Billie was getting ready to kill herself. There was no way he'd let that happen, though. Too many things still needed to be said.
Finally, Van asked, "Can't do what anymore?" as he softly rubbed her arm in support. His voice had miraculously stayed calm even though it felt like his stomach had turned inside out.
Billie started to cry even harder as the knife blade went straight up and pressed a little harder into the soft skin of her wrist. "I can't do this anymore," she repeated as a trickle of blood ran down her hand.
Van's eyes went wide when he saw the blood begin to flow. He had to find a way to stop her, but how? Billie wasn't thinking coherently. Her mind was somewhere else. Van grabbed the hand that held the knife and pulled it back in one swift motion, startling her again. But this time Billie didn't fight it. She let him take the knife out of her hand and place it on the counter opposite them as she burst out in tears. Her head fell against his chest, muffling her sobs.
Van was stunned. For a moment he didn't know what to do. He finally wrapped his arms around her realizing that comfort was the only thing he could give her. His hand gently rubbed her back as he held her a little tighter. "It's okay, Billie. It's okay," Van whispered into her ear over and over for what seemed like an hour until she finally calmed down.
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
He sat Billie back against the wall again and used his hand to wipe the tears away from her face. She looked like a lost child, her eyes red rimmed and wide, her lips pouted, her face beet red. Van couldn't help but smile.
Billie looked at him, slightly confused. Here she was, looking like crap, and he had the widest smile on his face. His hand gently stroked her cheek again, and she instantly closed her eyes, the warm, gently touch giving her mind some peace. It had been a long time since she let anyone come this close. What was more surprising was that it had been Van. Of all people, Van Ray was the one she let in. Never once could Billie have pictured something like this ever happening, but there he was, comforting her like an old friend. Maybe it was time to let someone back into her life.
"So, care to tell me what this is about?" Van asked, a slight hint of joking in his voice, as he picked up the lighter and the spoon.
Billie looked down at her bleeding wrist, not wanting to see the expression on his face when she explained to him what was going on. She didn't fear hatred as much as she feared disappointment, but she had to tell him. Reaching for her back pocket with her good hand, she pulled out a small package of white powder. Billie placed it on the floor beside the lighter and the spoon and looked back down at her wrist again.
Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again
"I feel like I've failed," she sobbed, burying her face back in the creases of her arms. "I've failed myself, I've failed you, I've failed Deaq, I've failed the department, I've failed everyone!"
Van palmed the little package; it wasn't hard to figure out what it was. The white powder inside the bag had nearly claimed Billie's life, and here she was, staring it in the face again. His heart nearly leapt out of his throat as he looked at the small package and back at her.
Van couldn't be angrier, but his anger was in no way directed at her. He wanted to kill the woman that had done this to Billie. His hand slowly crushed the package as he took his anger out on it.
But Billie could see his anger rise up and mistook it for him being angry at her. She began to cry again, tightening her body into a ball. "I knew it!" Billie practically yelled even though it was muffled. "You're disappointed in me because I've failed you again. I'm no good to anyone anymore. I just keep getting off track and losing myself. I wish I could just die!"
Van quickly realized what had happened. "Oh, no, Billie," he tried rectify the situation. "You haven't failed me. You haven't failed anyone. Stop blaming yourself. It's not your fault."
Van wrapped his arms around her shoulders and held her as her body shook with more sobs. "Please stop crying," he whispered into her ear, holding her a little tighter. His hand gently rubbed her back, reassuring her that he really wasn't angry at her. "If anything, we failed you," Van softly admitted.
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild, wild heart
Billie's head slowly reappeared, her eyes shining with fresh tears, but the look had changed from pain to confusion. Van smiled again as he placed a hand on her cheek and stroked it. Once more, Billie closed her eyes, relishing his touch.
He sighed and began to explain, "If we had stayed together after that bust, none of this would have happened." Van paused for a moment, trying to find the words. "I keep thinking back to that day and wondering what I could have done in order to change things. I keep blaming myself for what happened to you. I wish I had called you sooner. I wish I had gone to check in on you. I wish…" Van bit back all the bitterness he felt for himself. There was no way he'd let Billie see him fall apart as well. He needed to stay strong for her, to keep her in good spirits. He didn't want her to relapse into whatever state she had just come out of and actually lose her. That would be too much. He'd never forgive himself for that.
"You wish what, Van?" Billie questioned, her voice soft and low, curious almost. Van looked away, unable to face her as she had been unable to face him. Her shaking hand against his cheek was what brought their eyes back into contact. In hers he saw the sincerity of her question, the wonder and puzzlement. No longer was she the lost child; Billie was now the mother he was used to seeing.
The look in her eyes gave Van the courage to continue. "I wish that she had taken me instead of you. I wish I could take away all your pain and make you forget this even happened," he whispered, a lump forming in his throat. Tears were threatening to appear as they stared at each other, intense emotions present in both their eyes.
Something happened at that moment making Billie realize her feelings for Van were more than just boss and employee. She was seeing Van as a man, not a cop. There was much more to him that just good looks and charm. She was beginning to understand why he fell for female marks and wanted to help them instead of put them behind bars. There was so much love in his heart that it didn't matter to him if he got hurt in the end. He just wanted to make sure the people around him felt they had a friend in him, which is exactly what Billie was feeling at the moment.
Van, meanwhile, was still trapped in his pit of self loathing. He couldn't focus on what was going on in front of him and the smile that was beginning to appear on Billie's face. "Van," she softly whispered, grabbing his attention. His eyes focused on her even though they still seemed a little distant. "Thank you," Billie added.
There was a moment of clarity that overtook the pair as they stared into each other's eyes. The impact of Billie's words began to sink in. He was also beginning to see that there was more in Billie's eyes than just a simple thank you. She wasn't seeing him as her employee anymore, but as something more. Did he dare to think that maybe she was beginning to see him as the man he was instead of someone she could push around to do her bidding? That look in her deep blue eyes was all he needed to tell him it was true.
"You're welcome," he sheepishly replied as his eyes moved away from hers, the emotions running too strong for him. Van quickly changed the subject when he noticed Billie was still bleeding from the knife wound. "Let me help you with that," he said, standing up and beginning to rummage through her cabinets until he found a box of large bandages and some disinfectant.
"You don't have to," Billie half heartedly replied as he sat back down beside her and gently took her wrist in his hand. The cut wasn't as deep as Van thought it would be. The knife had barely pierced through the skin. It was more like a nasty paper cut than a knife wound. He quickly cleaned it up with the disinfectant and placed a bandage over it to prevent it from getting any worse.
Billie yawned. The night was taking its toll on her. As Van finished bandaging her up, he could see that her eyes were drooping. "Come on, let's get you to bed," he said, scooping Billie up in his arms. She didn't protest; instead she laid her head against his shoulder as he carried her into the bedroom.
"Good night, Billie," Van said after having laid her out on the soft mattress and tucked her in for the remainder of the night. He turned to leave, but felt a hand against his wrist, prompting him to turn back towards her.
"Thank you, again," Billie replied as she sat up. "You saved my life." She bit her bottom lip; there was something else she wanted.
"You're welcome," he warmly answered once more, but this time he waited. He knew Billie had something else to say.
Without warning, she pulling him close, closed her eyes, and placed a soft, gentle kiss on his lips. Van was stunned for a moment before he realized what was happening. Instinctively, his arms wrapped around her and he deepened the kiss.
It might have only lasted a couple of moments, but for both it felt like an eternity. Pent up emotions and sexual frustration had finally culminated in a kiss that could rival all other kisses. When they pulled away from each other, both smiled.
"Stay," Billie whispered as she pulled Van into the bed beside her.
"Yes, sir," he whispered back, kicking off his shoes and laying down beside her. Their arms wrapped around each other for a gentle embrace as sleep enveloped their bodies, sending them into a well deserved peaceful rest.
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
Fin!