Author's note: This may not be what everyone imagined the picnic at Asgard would've been like - at least, it's nothing like I originally imagined. I had one idea and then I just decided to work Asgard into it for the sole reason that this is probably not even close to what really happened (not that we'll ever know). Haha, enjoy!
The Doctor felt a tickle at the edge of his mind, one he knew all too well. He abandoned his promise to take the now confused-looking Ponds to what he'd claimed to be a spectacular planet (with sugar-water ravines and trees that grew gumdrops!) and slipped out the psychic paper from his pocket.
"House call?" Amy asked after having recognized the flat object that had abruptly taken over the Doctor's attention. She remembered the adventure with the little boy named George, and the terrifying doll house where she'd been turned into—
"Better," the Doctor responded, a twinkle in his eye. Rory would've raised an eyebrow if he'd been capable of it, but he instead turned his gaze to Amy, knowing she would ask the questions they both wanted the answers to.
"So, what is it this time? A little girl, abnormally bipolar?" Amy asked, playing on the theme of their last adventure that had been a result of the beckoning of the psychic paper. The Doctor spun to another part of the console to change the coordinates from the sugary planet he'd just been set on to another destination.
"Not quite," he responded with a mischievous grin. "But it is a girl. Well, a little older than a girl. And she can get…" he paused, bearing down on a lever and tweaking a few notches before turning back to Amy with a smile, "spunky."
Amy laughed. Only the Doctor would use a word like 'spunky' with a mischievous (flirtatious?) grin. It didn't take her long to figure out whom the Doctor meant, and even Rory had noticed the little spark that appeared in the Time Lord's eyes whenever River came up in conversation. He was strangely okay with it; surprised at himself for not having more fatherly protective instincts for his daughter. Maybe it was because he still couldn't quite believe that the enigmatic River Song was really his daughter. "What's she getting us into this time?" he asked. The Doctor gave him that look that definitely promised shenanigans and held out the psychic paper, not looking at it as he continued to pluck at the controls on the TARDIS with his free arm.
"Don't forget the checkered blanket," Amy read out loud, "and then a lot of numbers and letters."
The Doctor retracted the paper and stashed it back in his pocket to continue to dash around the console freely.
"Doctor, where are we going?" Amy asked. The Doctor cranked the last lever down, throwing the TARDIS on course. "Callisto, the third largest moon in the solar system," he replied.
"What, you mean we're actually going to our solar system? Never mind that – our galaxy? And not on Earth?" Amy replied, not sure whether to be disappointed or excited.
"There's more than one moon?" Rory asked. Amy appreciated the Doctor's not-overly-condescending reply to the admittedly stupid question.
"Rory – Jupiter's got lots of moons. Other planets, too. You know Jupiter, right?" the Doctor asked, hopeful for Rory's sake that he did. Rory nodded, now realizing his mistake. "So we're going to Jupiter?"
"Not Jupiter, exactly," the Doctor replied. "Like I said, Callisto!"
Amy was still surprised to be hearing planet names thrown around that she actually knew instead of names any normal person could swear were made up. She wondered what River would be doing there.
"Are you sure she wants us there?" Amy asked. "It kind of sounds like she wanted a nice picnic alone with you."
"Nonsense!" the Doctor exclaimed. "Family outing!"
The TARDIS landed with her usual fuss; the Doctor rushed to the doors with his usual exuberance. "Ponds, could you get the checkered blanket from the closet?" he called back before stepping out onto the surface of Callisto. Amy rolled her eyes, knowing all too well that the Doctor was using it as an excuse to have a minute alone with River. She humoured him. "Which closet?"
"Past your bedroom, take a left, then a right, halfway down the corridor!" He disappeared outside. Amy sighed. "Come on, Rory."
The Doctor took in his surroundings, subconsciously analyzing the area for potential danger while consciously looking for River – if there was really a difference between the two. The sky was indigo – as it should be in this atmosphere – and dotted with relatively big star-looking blobs, which were really the surrounding moons. He deduced that it must be around the 43rd century from the particular shade of the sky and the condition of the only-just-becoming-habitable-enough-to-breathe oxygen. River had picked the earliest point possible in time to meet here without the moon having not developed enough to be on it without special equipment, but before it becomes a tourism hotspot. He scanned the ground and recognized the crater he was standing in, hundreds of years old by now – what was it called again? Asgard. Yes, that made sense – he could vaguely remember River saying something about a picnic at Asgard when he'd first met her. He quickly turned his mind away from those memories, not wanting to spoil his good mood.
"Hello, sweetie," came a voice behind him. He was grinning before he'd even fully turned around.
"Hello, dear," he replied, whipping out his diary. She already had hers in her hand, ready to compare. It was a naturally occurring routine by now, and after throwing a few adventure titles at each other, they had coordinated their timelines. River was relieved that the Doctor was long past the wedding, and the Doctor was just relieved she hadn't come fresh from Berlin. He felt a bit weird around the post-Mels version of her. He blamed it on the lingering regeneration energy in her, messing with his Time Lord hormones.
"I heard there's supposed to be a meteor shower tonight," River said, putting her diary away. The Doctor did the same and glanced at the sky as if he could see the meteors already. He looked back at River with a genuine smile. "Sounds lovely."
"I think it sounds positively stunning," River said, taking a step closer to him. The Doctor's grin melted into a flirtatious one.
"Sounds like someone I know," he replied, following her lead.
"Must be quite the lady," River flirted back, taking the last step before the distance between them was closed.
"I do enjoy having her around." The Doctor gave her a peck on the cheek. He was prepared to go and see what was taking Amy and Rory so long with the blanket when River caught him by his jacket and pulled him in for a smooch on the lips. He struggled for a moment, eventually settling into her embrace and warmth. He put his hands on her shoulders as she continued to hold him by the lapels of his jacket.
"See, Doctor, I told you she wanted you to come alone."
The Doctor was suddenly released from River's hold; she seemed surprised by her parents' presence.
"Amy!" River said, half glad and half surprised – well, a third glad, and a third surprised. The other third just wanted to snog the sense out of the Doctor while her timeline was synced up with his (or at least as close to 'synced up' as their lives got). She went in for a hug and quickly noticed the checkered blanket in her hand. "Ah, you didn't forget. I was starting to wonder," River said with a smirk pointed at the Doctor.
"So," the Doctor clapped his hands together in anticipation, "picnic at Asgard. Chances of meteors. Shall we?" he crooked his arm for River to take. She took it. Amy and Rory linked arms as well. The Doctor only just noticed River's picnic basket as she had to switch it to her other hand to free the arm to link around his. They set up the picnic when they'd found a somewhat smooth part of the ground with a clear view to the sky, not that there was much to block the view anyway.
"What's in the basket?" Rory asked, pointing at the traditional straw-woven basket. River lifted the flap on one side and took the items out one by one, spreading them all over the blanket.
"Jammie dodgers!" the Doctor exclaimed, reaching for the plate of irresistible-looking biscuits with jam oozing out the sides. River slapped his hand away. "Those are homemade especially for you, sweetie, so don't go eating them all at once."
The Doctor rubbed his hand and then more slowly reached for the plate again, plucking a jammie dodger off it and eating it slowly and deliberately to prove his resistance. River knew better than to judge his jammie dodger-eating etiquette based off of the one, but she didn't mind all that much and continued to display the items. Everything else in the basket was relatively normal; there were crumpets and croissants, there was pie and there were pickles, there were grapes and groliants – a fruit the Doctor fondly remembered being River's favourite after showing it to her on a tropical planet known for its delicious fruit and vegetable produce. He didn't particularly like it himself, but he always made sure to pick one of the nacreous fruits when he had a moment. River always made sure there were none left as soon as he showed her where he kept them.
Amy pointed out the first meteor streaking across the sky, leaving a luminescent trail. More meteors began to emerge in its wake, the luminescence increasing as the number of meteors did. As the Doctor admired the stellar show, he began to absently shove the jammie dodgers down his throat, not realizing it until he reached for another and his knuckles hit the bare plate. The noise caught River's attention, but she didn't make much of a deal despite her earlier requisition for him to savour them.
"Wine, anyone?" she asked, holding up the sleek bottle with a gentle shake. "Nothing special, just Earth-class red wine," she added, as she poured herself a glass.
"Mmm, sounds fine to me," Amy said, tearing herself away from the meteor shower for a moment.
"Rory?" River asked as she poured Amy a glass and handed it to her.
"Oh, why not," Rory conceded, knowing that Amy would just pester him to have a bit of fun even though he constantly explained to her that he just didn't like wine much.
"I'll have a glass."
Everyone stared at the Doctor.
"What?" he shrugged as if it were no big deal.
"Doctor, you hate wine. Not just wine – you hate alcohol," Amy stated.
"Not always," the Doctor replied.
"Are you right in the head?" Rory asked seriously. And did River just smirk?
"What? Of course I am. Why do I have to be insane to want a class of red wine every once in a—" the Doctor leaned to the side precariously, as if losing his balance. He put his hand on his forehead.
"See? You're sick!" Amy insisted.
"I'm fine! Just give me a glass already!"
"Why do you want it so badly?" Amy asked.
Without answering, the Doctor reached towards River, who had strangely not said anything and was in fact smiling. The Doctor didn't notice as he stumbled again in his attempt to grab the wine and was momentarily disoriented.
"River?!" Amy demanded. River glanced at the Doctor, holding his forehead, and whispered something to Amy. Whatever she said caused Amy to start grinning as well.
"What's going on?" Rory asked, confused. Amy whispered it to him as well. He rolled his eyes. By now, they'd all abandoned the light display above them. "Women," Rory muttered under his breath. That got him a look from both his daughter and his wife. Luckily, the Doctor drew their attention away from him.
"Give me the wine," he ordered, like he had any power over them. River poured him a glass and handed it to him without saying a word.
"Thank you," he grumbled, knocking back the glass. He didn't spit it out like he usually did. "River, are you sure this – hic – is regular Earth wine? It doesn't taste as badly as it - hic – usually does. In fact – more," he demanded, holding his glass out with another hiccup.
"Oh, it's regular wine, all right," River assured, pouring him another glass. As he slurped it up in seconds, she set the bottle down in front of him. "Why don't you just take the bottle, sweetie?"
The Doctor eyed her suspiciously, finally realizing what was going on.
"Are you trying to get me drunk?!" he accused, shoving the bottle back at her in disgust.
"Oh no, sweetie, of course not," River said truthfully, "you're already way past drunk."
"Nonsense!" the Doctor protested, standing up with apparent wobbliness. "I only had two – hic – glasses!" He put his hand on his forehead again.
Even Rory was becoming amused with the situation at this point and abandoned his quest to eat the entire picnic.
"Yes, sweetie, but considering how rarely you drink, that isn't surprising," River replied, getting up to help him stand. Amy giggled behind her, standing up as well, followed by Rory.
"Plus," Amy added, "she put vodka in the jammie dodgers."
The Doctor looked at River in horror. How could she betray him like that?! That explained his sudden urge to drink, and odd lack of disgust when he did. He attempted to stalk off back to the TARDIS, but he was far tipsier than he realized and nearly fell over with the first step. Amy laughed and River caught him, bringing him up to stand up straight. The world was spinning around him. It was like his eyes had become kaleidoscopes. Then he saw River's face through the kaleidoscope effect…and suddenly was entranced. He forgot the entire situation and stared at her with a silly grin. Then he snogged her on the spot. River was a bit surprised, but didn't show it. She pulled away after only a few seconds, aware of the inappropriateness of the situation, unlike the Doctor.
"Doctor!" Rory said, feeling the fatherly protectiveness he'd lacked earlier finally kick in.
"We've got to get you back to the TARDIS," Amy said, laughing. The Doctor didn't hear them, he was just confused as to why his snog had been cut short. He tried to clear his head and was just starting to remember what was going on when River offered him another glass.
"Oh, great," Rory said as the Doctor accepted it. There was no hope now. He started to put the whole picnic away before anyone could drink anything else. Out of nowhere, the Doctor looked panicked. He looked around like he'd forgotten where he was. "SEXY!" he screamed, running off (well, gallivanting like a headless chicken) in sort of the general direction of the TARDIS.
"Doctor!" River called. He stopped dead in his tracks. "River?" he responded, squinting at her like he could barely see her despite the not-so-long distance between them. He stumbled back over to her until his face was inches away from hers and just…looked at her. Straight into her eyes, his own eyes wide. Then he burst into laughter and fell over – not so much from the laughing so hard as the drunkenness. River didn't know how to respond to that, but Amy, slightly tipsy herself, laughed at the situation. Rory just stood there, equally as confused as River. River looked at the Doctor, hands on her hips. "And what is so funny?"
The Doctor looked up again, still laughing, hands on his knees and tears in his eyes. "Your—hair—is—so curlyyyy!" he exclaimed between giggles, as if it were the funniest thing in the world. River crossed her arms in mock frustration. "Did you just notice that now, sweetie?"
"Like nifforandu larvae…" the Doctor trailed off, then continuing to laugh. Amy was still laughing, too, but she wasn't really sure why. Something was funny, was all she could tell, and that (plus a couple of glasses of wine) was enough.
"What's niff-o-whatever-he-said?" Rory asked, seemingly not to anyone in particular, but expecting River to respond. River only shrugged. The Doctor jumped up and took River by the shoulders – both because he couldn't stand without doing so and because he was being…dramatic? Intimate? River wasn't sure; it was hard to tell with him.
"Don't you remember? We went to Fwor-blor…Forline Two," he said, stumbling over his slurred words, "and there were the noff – niff…orandu and they—"
"Sweetie, spoilers, remember? I haven't done that yet," River reminded, putting her finger on his lips. She knew they could let some things slip, but she couldn't trust him to filter out the big spoilers in this state. Maybe this hadn't been such a good idea after all.
"Oh, spoilers, spoilers, spoooiiillllerrrs," he said, all of a sudden seeming cross. "Tired of spoilers!" He attempted to throw his arms up, but it only caused him to let go of his support on River and nearly fall over before she caught him.
The Doctor briskly turned around with a purpose, interrupted by his feet who failed to lead him in a straight line. "SEXY!" he called again, as if the TARDIS would come to him on command.
River and Rory, the only remaining sane(-ish) ones, looked at each other in exasperation and confusion. "Doctor!" River called, going after the tumbling Time Lord. She grabbed him by the arm and started to lead him towards the TARDIS. Rory did the same with Amy, though she was more…draped around Rory than being pulled along like a child as the Doctor currently was.
"Doctor, what are you doing?" River demanded as he attempted to escape her grip and beat her to the TARDIS.
"No spoilers!"
"I don't understand."
"No more," he said, stopping and facing her, gripping her shoulders again. "No more," he repeated, tears sweeping over his eyes. "Stay."
You know I can't, River wanted to say, but for some reason decided against it. "Okay," she lied instead. "Let's get you back to the TARDIS."
Rory and Amy caught up quickly, as Amy wasn't nearly as inebriated as the Doctor, who required more dragging and pushing to get anywhere. River finally shoved him into the TARDIS and went in search of a room to lay him down in while Amy and Rory headed off to their room for the night. She realized the Doctor was barely conscious anymore when she felt almost all of his weight fall onto her. She dragged him along as gently as she could and was thankful as the TARDIS provided an empty room for him in the first corridor she went down. She guided the Doctor onto the bed and took his jacket off for him.
"Riverrr…I want another glass – hic – of wine," he complained.
"No," River said firmly, despite her amusement.
"But Riverrrr," the Doctor whined.
"You've had quite enough. A little pathetic actually, sweetie – I didn't even give you that much," River teased.
"I'm not drunk!" the Doctor insisted.
"Sweetie, you're barely awake."
"I'm tired."
River smiled and brushed a hand through his hair. "Since when do you sleep?"
He seemed to sober up slightly at her touch and forgot the question.
"Go to sleep," River said, getting up. The Doctor panicked a little at the sudden lack of comfort her touch provided.
"I'm not tired," he replied. River laughed. "You said you were less than a minute ago."
"I don't need to sleep," he insisted.
"You do in this state," River replied. The Doctor sat up as she started to leave the room. "Don't go!" he said, childlike. River turned at the door. "Good night kiss, then?" she offered. The Doctor shook his head. "Stay here."
"You can have both," River flirted, walking back to his bedside. Under normal circumstances, the Doctor would have blushed, but now, he completely skipped the awkwardness and flirting and pulled her down for a kiss. River was pleasantly surprised and embraced him. They continued snogging in the romantically dimmed lights (courtesy of the TARDIS) until the Doctor's drunken brain started to get the best of him. His kisses softened as he gently transitioned into sleep, probably without even realizing he was falling asleep. It was rather adorable, River thought. She gave him one last peck on the cheek before leaving him to recover from the interesting experience.
"Good night, sweetie."