AN: Inspired by the moment wherein we saw some hesitation in Dean's face when Ezekiel/Gadreel told him to kick Castiel out of the bunker-please don't tell me I was the only one who noticed it. Implied Destiel, I guess.
SUMMARY: If Castiel had been turning more human than he already was, he might have asked Dean, "can't or won't?" and the Winchester would have answered in all honesty, "can't."
If you were to ask Dean Winchester what his most difficult decision was, he'd knit his eyebrows together and stop mid-way from eating his pie. He'd drop his fork and push the styrofoam aside, leaning onto his chair, not quite meeting your eye.
Dean would look away for a millisecond before he'd begin to stare at you with an unfamiliar look on his face. Then he'd come up with a different subject to talk about, the side of his lips curling into that easy smile of his that he practices in front of the mirror in case of emergencies—read as chick-flick moments—steering you away from that conversation.
But if you asked him what had been the reoccurring topics or themes in most of his memorable decisions were, he'd gulp down his beer and hesitate for a second to answer: "Sam and Cas," before ending the conversation just like that.
And then you wouldn't help but notice how his eyes would cloud all over after his reply. In those moments, you'd realize that he was thinking of one particular decision of his that was, albeit not the most difficult nor most memorable, definitely something he wouldn't forget.
Although picking who he had wanted to keep safe the most was a no-brainer (it was Sam, his brother, of course), the thought of seeing their little fallen angel's face when Dean tells Cas about not staying in the bunker made his gut twist in the most horrible way.
And for a millisecond, when 'Zeke' had repeated the threat of leaving, he hesitated. His chest constricted and his head whirred in confusion, weighing out the possibility of disobeying the other angel for his angel.
But then the second 'Ezekiel' had looked at him, face vacant of expression with Sammy's eyes—his brother's damned eyes—he had blearily nodded in agreement, knowing he had to do what he had to do.
"You can't stay,"
If Cas had been more human than he was becoming, he might have asked Dean, "Can't or won't?" with confused electric blue eyes and scrunched eyebrows.
And the Winchester would've replied with all honesty, "can't," practically choking out the word in the process.
Castiel would've not questioned him further, knowing Dean and his secrets too well. Cas wouldn't have pried; he'd just nod in understanding. Maybe the genuine understanding would've loosened the tight knots all over Dean's body and lightened the weight and guilt he had felt, but Cas hadn't been more human.
The confused tilting of the fallen angel's head immediately morphed into the action of looking away abruptly from Dean's stare several minutes after the words can't stay processed in the ex-angel's head. He had landed his own irises on the bookshelf by his left before tucking his chin into his chest momentarily before looking back up at Dean with an, albeit lost, nod that held faux understanding.
Because in those moments, the hunter could have sworn he saw a glimmer of pain that flashed in the simply humannnnnnnnn
When Dean had witnessed this, he had felt more than his gut twist. His chest tightened and his whole body felt rigid out of guilt. Cas was his best friend—family, and he had just kicked him out of their home. His jaw and fists had clenched and his mouth had not allowed him to say any more as more thoughts ran through his head.
"I understand," Cas had said, pocketing the foil-clad burrito in his jacket as he stood up and made his way out towards the doorway. He had briefly given his explanation to Sam and before Dean knew it, the fallen angel was gone, leaving Dean behind.
And before Dean could further explain to Sammy about Cas' abrupt departure, he had murmured at his fallen angel's retreating figure, "No Cas, you don't understand."
His stoic mask had wavered and he had allowed a traitorous tear to slide past his cheek as he remembered the flicker of hurt in Castiel's eyes until he heard his younger brother's loud footsteps heading towards him, obviously wanting some answers.
Then after all the clouds have left Dean's eyes, he'd fork his pie and take a bite, chewing obnoxiously with a satisfied grin, mumbling in-between bites, "Mm, this pie is awesome."
Whoever had confronted him about his decisions and feelings would inaudibly sigh at his predictable antics before chugging down at their own beer, leaning onto their seat without questioning any more about Sammy and the older Winchester's Castiel, knowing all too well about the outcome of the conversation that the person wanted to begin.