Author's Notes: I always wondered what was going on when Blackarachnia died. I can't believe that it was just darkness. I mean, what was she thinking? What were her regrets? Sorry, but I couldn't just believe that she saw only darkness...or did she?
Warnings: Very dark and angsty. I mean, hell, this fic's mean in a sense. 9_9
Spoilers: The "Agenda" arc to the episode "Crossing the Rubicon."
Obligatory Disclaimer: I own no part of Beast Wars or any of its characters.
A Whisper in Water
I'm a whisper in water
Secret for you to hear
You are the one who grows distant
When I beckon you near
-"Bachelorette," Bjork
It's dark in here. Cold too. Although I'm not sure how I know this, immune to feeling as I am now. I can't see anything. Or maybe that's just the darkness, the pitch blackness that seems to sink it's teeth into me and bite down savagely.
I feel lonely here. And abruptly, though it's a feeling I tend to supress in any situation, I miss Bowser.
...I died.
I've suffered, and now I'm dead
Oh God. GodGodGodGod god--Oh slag it. There is no god. Maybe Primus exists on some other form or plane, but he surely isn't here. Not where I am, lost in this darkness, a nothing, perhaps, barely a whisper.
Damn them. Damn them all to the Pit.
Especially him. He and his nobility, his Primus-damned belief in good.
Everything was much simpler before he came. Had I simply turned aside and killed him that first time he caught me unawares by the stream, I would never have found myself here. Or maybe I should have ignored him, all those times he told me how much he loved me, or told me how a part of me loved him.
Then I would never have defected to the Maximal side. I would never have found that damned Transmetal driver or used it. And I wouldn't have regrets as I slowly descent into this hellish darkness.
Slag it all.
I wonder if they've found me by now. He would have to know; he was by my side the entire time. I never meant to hurt him, never him. I...I loved...
Well, it's too late now. I'll only know of darkness for now on.
Knowing him, he'll end up in the darkness too.
Primus, I am so sorry.
And the others? Do they speak of trust? Of faith? Maximals...What do they know of any of it?
Predacon's don't know of it either, but at least we don't fool ourselves into believing we do. Life's simple there: The strong survive to conquer and the weak fall to follow. There is no space in between.
But here...among Maximals...there is equality. An unspoken respect and care for the life, the spark that burn in each one of us.
Everything was so much easier when I didn't care.
But I don't to anymore. They've killed me. Choked me with their goodness and their smiles. Killed me with their love and unending faith.
Because in the end, I wanted that warmth too. Maybe because I had once been Maximal too. Maybe because I was dying.
I wanted to walk with them on dry land in the light, not drown in this dark ocean and its churning waters.
I was poisoned by that love, by that need for it. I loved him, and by the gods, I wanted them all to love me too. But as time wore on, and they never gave it to me, it destroyed me.
I just wanted something real. Something good and right to hold on to. Not the emptiness and lies I knew from being a Predacon.
That left me only with darkness.
The Maximals...they're full of lies, too. But I was so desperate for a piece of it, that I actually closed my eyes so I wouldn't see it.
I believed his lies.
god. god. god. god. god.
He gave me hope, disguising it with love, and it killed me. From the depths of my spark and throughout. I'm not strong, but I thought he could give me strength, and I think he thought so too.
But he only killed me.
They gave me faith, they gave me lies, but they never gave me goodness. He was the only one. And in the end, his love destroyed me.
There's only emptiness in this darkness. And it fills me. I'm nothing more than a creature of night.
Will they, someday, realize what they've done? Do they lean over my fallen body and wonder how it happened?
Does he know how he killed me?
That night.
That first, perfect night.
His hands on my face...
...touching my lips.
His arm, sliding down...
...to wrap around my waist.
and i, who could not be denied...
...so madly, deeply in love...
...and wanting so badly...
...that i could have died.
And I have now, haven't I?
But he'll die too. I'll kill him in my own way. He may not realize it was first, but it'll become evident as time goes on. He'll join the darkness I'm in too. It won't be as quick or merciless as mine was. A shot straight to the spark, an instantaneous demise.
No. His will be slow. And when he realizes it completely, he'll hate me too.
I'll be waiting for him in the darkness.
I wish I could go back, just one last time. Even if it was just for a moment. I would take him into my arms and hold him close. Say it boldly and aloud that I loved him. Never take him for granted again.
Or maybe I would. We Predacons are sick that way. We choose not to see all that we have until it comes crashing down around us.
Oh well. It's too late for that now. The darkness encroaches closer.
Perhaps the hardest thing through all all of this is that it all happened so fast, that I was plunged into that icy sea and humbled to nothing before reconciliation could be made. I won't get to say goodbye.
I never got to say goodbye.
I never got a chance to tell him that he's so much more than what I and so many others. The Maximals cling to their virtues, but he was the purest of them all. He was the only one who was willing to see, the only one willing to truly believe.
He let me free that first time we encountered one another. He treated me as a good and proper lady and laid not a finger upon me in ill purpose. He willingly walked into my webs blindly and allowed me to guide him through the maze.
I never forgot that.
He's so much more, and I'll never get to tell him that. He'll never know that he was my salvation, my everything.
He'll only know that he killed me.
I wish I had never met him. Maybe that way he wouldn't be reduced to the heap of scrap I've made him into.
It's too late for that, too.
Primus, it's dark here. There aren't even stars to illuminate this place, though it reminds me of the universe, stretching darkly on into eternity.
I'm sorry I lusted after power as I did. I'm sorry I made such a stupid mistake. I'm sorry I destroyed everything I had gained.
I'm sorry I never got to kiss you one last time, Silverbolt...I can call you that now, can't I?
Oh Primus, I'm drowning...
I'm sorry that this is where it all stops. I'm sorry that I killed you.
Because this is our happy ending. He was the knight, and he made me the damsel, but I turned out to the be the monster anyway. And now there is no happiness.
I can't give you your noble, beautiful dream, Bowser. I wish I could, but I know only darkness now; I'm nothing more than a whisper in water that cannot be heard over the rush of pounding waves.
I'm sorry I hurt you, Bowser, sorry I couldn't be denied. And I don't think you and I will have a second chance.
Primus, I have so much to regret...
I think the dream is ending now. I think it's getting darker. I think the end has come.
I think I'm dead.
It's too dark in here...
I wish...
I...
I never got to say goodbye.
Final Notes From the Author:
Admittedly, this story was inspired by an awesome X-Files fic I read awhile back, though the characters are different, the circumstances were the same. But anyways, I wrote this story with the firm belief that Blackarachnia must have seen or at least thought something before she died. And I would think that there was alot of anger, pain, and regret in there. As for whether or not its misguided, that's your call.
I realize that this story's a bit disjointed, but I realize that. It's supposed to sound as if she's slowly breaking apart, with only small bits of coherent thought breaking through. I hope it wasn't too confusing, though.
And for you little perverts out there who may have other ideas, that "perfect night" Blackarachnia is speaking of was their first kiss. Little hentais.
Thank you for reading this story, and I hope you enjoyed it!
-Chaotic Serenity