Disclaimer: I don't own Wizard of Oz, or Late Night with Conan O'Brian.

Nessthing: This is an interview I've done with Jack Pumkinhead from the sequel to The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, The Land of Oz. I'm talking about the book.

Fallen Angel: Good thing you cleared that up, there's a lot of people who think that the Wizard of Oz was just the movie. It was a book. There were a lot of them. They were good. Oh, and about this story, ATTENTION: DO NOT READ THIS UNLESS YOU ARE VERY, VERY BORED. We cannot and will not be responsible for injuries stemming from actually thinking this is worthy of the title fan-fiction, much less one in the Humor category.

Nessthing: Sure, analyze it to death, why don't ya?

Fallen Angel: That's my job.

Nessthing: Remember, this is me doing this, not Fallen Angel.

Fallen angel: I would've taken over, but he locked me in the closet.

Me: Welcome to Late Night with Ness O'thing. Actually, I'm Nessthing, I just think the O gives a little ring to the title.

Jack: I wouldn't know, for I was only born a few weeks ago.

Me: Yes... pity. So, our guest tonight, Jack Pumkinhead: From the Land of Oz. [The book, and the place, I suppose.] So, how is life in the land of Oz?

Jack: It's peaceful, for the most part. Then again, there is the occasional uprising of girls with knitting needles. That can get to be a tricky business.

Me: It certainly sounds like it.

Jack: They even trapped me and my friends in the Emerald City Palace while they were prying all of the emeralds from the walls. It was terrifying. We eventually escaped by bringing a couch to life and flying off of the roof. Very tricky.

Me: {snort} uh, wha... Oh! Um, fascinating? I also hear you have a pumpkin for a head, are there any advantages or disadvanvantages to that?

Jack: Well, I can remove my head at will from my neck, but aside from that, having a pumpkin for a head is sort of a headache.

Me: How so?

Jack: I constantly worry about it being spoiled, cracked, or eaten. {whispers} Say, do studio lights spoil a pumpkin?

Me: Not that I know of.

Jack: Good.

Me: On the card I have here, it says you weren't born naturally. How is it you come to be alive, then?

Jack: Oh my father whittled me out of wood. Well, actually, I suppose he would my mother now, but gender-bending is an equally tricky business as defending one's palace from hordes of girls with knitting needles; and, I suppose, bringing a couch to life.

Me: But how are you alive? You know, talking and the like.

Jack: Oh, that. A witch brought me to life with a magic powder that she had swindled a wizard out of. Dr. Nikidik, I believe. At least, that's what I'm told.

Me: Nikidik... Hehe...

Jack: What was that?

Me: Oh nothing... Um, on a different note, the Food Network is only a couple channels away, how do you feel about that?

Jack: I think it's dreadful what happens to pumpkins. Pies... {shudder}

Me: That's an interesting way of looking at it, civil rights for gourds?

Jack: Exactly. Fascinating, yes?

Me: Infinitely. And now, for the question I believe you've all been waiting for.

Audience: {silence}

Me: What happens when you go out on dates?

Jack: Hmm. I don't believe I've ever been out in one before. And even if I had, I haven't a brain, like my friend the Scarecrow, so I wouldn't be much of a conversationalist, and I haven't a heart, like my friend the Tin Woodman, so I could never feel anything for anyone.

Me: Tragic, really...

Jack's brainless, heartless, pumpkin-headed response: Yes, very.

Fallen Angel: Well, that was pointless.

Nessthing: I had to do it for school, but I jazzed it up a little, and turned it into a fic.

Fallen Angel: Did you happen to get a passing grade?

Nessthing: ... Review!