AN: So, this started out as a pretty dark and twisty oneshot, until I realised I couldn't do it to Calzona! Plus everyone was miserable, and my bff ordered me to write more... So think there's going to be three parts to this now, stick with it through the first chapter, all shall be revealed :).
Callie and Arizona still don't belong to me, sadly the situation might...
Arizona lay across the bed, her face buried in the pillows. How the hell could she do this, how could she give her the world, in words, in promises, written behind her eyes with every kiss and every smile over the past six months, how could she let her dare to dream again then rip it all away. Sure things had been difficult, to be truthful they'd been hell, surgeries had come thick and fast, and Arizona was now the only peds attending since Dr Berry went on maternity leave, meaning her workload had been unbearable, not to mention coping with Callie's dad and her families refusal to accept their relationship on top of all that.
I am so stupid, so stupid, Arizona told herself, resisting the urge the press her face even harder into the sheets. I was there for her, I stood by her, held her hand, walked her through it, advised her. I stood up to her Dad, as scared and angry as I was I did it, for her. The thoughts kept on coming, unrelenting, the tears escaping from her blue eyes were making pools where they fell, the sobs wracked her body, she could barely breathe, barely move, she just lay there paralysed as her heart broke and she choked on the betrayal and abandonment she felt consuming her.
She blamed herself for where she was left now, alone, with nothing, time and time again she trusted people, let them in, let them get so close that they took a piece of her so big when they tore away that she always ended up back in the same place, on the floor fighting just to function. She scrunched her eyes tighter closed as she the image of Calliope crept into her head, her perfect brown eyes, full of love and promise, the whispered words, the winks that were reserved just for her... how the hell could she do this, how could she let her dream, let her fight for her, let her push through the boundaries that had been thrown thick and fast up in front of them in their relationship, how the hell could she let her go through all that to end it with six simple words. "I can't do this anymore".
A fresh wave of emotion burned in Arizona's throat, she tried to swallow it down to no avail. She hated being like this, feeling like this, knowing that somebody had broken her down as completely as this, after the last time, when she swore to herself, she promised that she'd never go here again, never let somebody have so much of her that they had the power to do this. Yet over the months it had been so effortless, so easy to give herself over piece by piece into Calliope's seeming steady, open arms.
All the nights they'd laid awake talking, telling each other about every facet of their lives, their childhood, what made them who they were. The words that had shattered her world swirled inside her head, like leaves caught in an eternal breeze, making no sense "I don't know why Arizona, I just know that, no...I can't, I just don't want to..." Was it something she did? How could Calliope love her, and she knew that despite everything she loved her, and just not want her anymore. How could she want to throw her away, like a used pair of surgical gloves?
The tears still fell silently in the dark room, Arizona felt her body shaking, emotionally exhausted, and did nothing to control the movement, she prayed for the deep exhausted sleep, for the numbness that felt so far away but at some point would inevitably arrive. Maybe she was wrong, maybe this was her fault, she had planned so much for her and Calliope, and seems they shared everything she was never afraid to share her plans with her. As her heart broke piece by piece inside her chest Arizona realised that nothing was for certain, nothing could be relied upon.
A lone sob escaped into the darkness, right now as she lay broken on the bed she didn't want forever anymore, Calliope wasn't the woman she wanted to marry and have children with, she was no longer the woman Arizona wanted her fairytale ending with, but right now Calliope was all she wanted, no obligation, no ties, she just wanted to be in her strong arms for one more night.
"One last time" she whispered her voice breaking. One more kiss, one more smile, just even to look at her one more time. When she'd called she'd been on a train, speeding in the opposite direction to where Arizona froze stunned as she delivered the blows; going to the airport to go home and be with her family, more like to runaway Arizona thought. Runaway from her, runaway from all the promises she'd made, not that they mattered anymore.
Maybe I asked too much, she thought to herself, maybe I let myself get to far ahead, too lost in the dream of what could be, instead of enjoying what we had right in front of us, she choked on her breath as she realised this was all her own fault, all her own doing, once again she Arizona Robbins had destroyed one of the most important things in her life.
Of course Calliope was eventually going to freak out over all the talk of marriage and forever, because for someone like Calliope forever was just too long of a time, she'd rather go day by day and if that equalled forever great, and if not she'd be fine regardless.
Arizona had never had that luxury, all her life had been spent being abandoned and reclaimed, by her father, who was her whole world, who she barely saw during his military career. All the weekends she spent as a child hiding under her bed, listening to the screaming, hearing him leave, fearing he'd never come back, all the times she'd looked him in the eye and told him she was fine, that he should go and be happy "Go Daddy" she'd said, and smiled and waved as he left in his van, before running upstairs and ripping open her skin to make sure she was still capable of feeling, anything. She loved him enough to let him go, to push him away, away from his miserable life with her mother in a loveless marriage he had braved for years just for her and her brother's benefit.
Why did everyone she loved try to leave her? She hated Calliope for this, for what she'd done, for making her feel this way, for leaving her, without even an explanation, without even a goodbye. Her tone was harsh, devoid of emotion as she called time on their relationship, her reasons unclear, and her words unforgiving.
"Calliope please..." she felt physically sick at the way she'd begged her to stay "Things have been bad, I know, but please, I've been stressed over the hospital, but I should never have let that affect us, I just want another chance, that's all I ask", the same words again was all she would say,
"I can't, I just don't want to...I can't Arizona, okay?!" Anger took over, making the tears hot as they ran down her burning cheeks, after six months of sharing their lives, their beds, she couldn't even try, after having let her down in the most fatal of ways, after letting her dream again and then reminding her why she shouldn't, she flatly refused even to see her, to talk, to be any part of her life.
The very last statement she said, sounded so false, so hollow, it had torn her soul in half just to hear it, "I have to go, have to get to work" Arizona had said "Oh, well we'll talk later then, I still want to be friends Arizona" a long heart wrenching pause hung heavily in the air, filled with unspoken words as the phone line crackled, "I love you" Arizona gave in, she couldn't stop herself from saying it, she couldn't lie "Okay" came the reply "Bye". It was in that moment for the first time, she knew, Calliope, her Calliope, who she had loved unconditionally, fought for tirelessly, and trusted endlessly was gone. Arizona knew she was a strong woman, and hearing that final note in her voice she knew that she had made her mind, she had just closed the door so tightly on their relationship that it would never, could never again be opened; she had just slammed the door so hard in her face that she knew she'd never recover. Lying there on her bed, her nails dug deep into the inside of her wrists, though she wouldn't go break the bathroom equipment like she once would have, she simply lay there and relaxed into the burning sensation as her nails broke her skin. Right there, in that moment, lying across her bed, Arizona Robbins promised herself one thing, one thing that she would never again forsake for anything or anyone. She would never ever, ever, trust someone like that again until the day she died, and she would certainly never ever beg for someone to be with her again, because no one, not even Calliope Torres, the woman she had once believed to be the love of her life, was worth a sacrifice like that.