Title: Men Who Munch
Author: Evidence
Rating: PG-13
Author's Notes: A parody of Jack meeting up with Grissom and Horatio from CSI and CSI:Miami respectively. Special thanks to D who planted the seed for the story and gave it it's title. Hope you enjoy.
Jack had stopped at the local 7-11ish store on the corner after leaving Samantha's apartment. He was just "visiting". He pulled into a parking spot and headed into the small store. A depressed looking teenager stood behind the counter and grumbled some sort of a greeting to him. Jack was starved after all the activity from, um, "visiting" someone. He walked on the sparking floor (only in movies, TV shows, or parody fiction) and headed for the juices.
In the reflection in the glass he was shocked to see Martin Fitzgerald behind him stuffing twinkes and ring dins in his pant's pockets. Jack didn't feel like arresting Martin nor removing the food he had just stolen so he ignored the young agent as he passed by. Martin, as usual, clearly ignorant of another person when food was around.
Jack shook his head and opened the case. He scanned the various juice bottles finally setting on a can of V-8. He noticed on the can a small insect running. Pushing it off, its little body hit the floor. Jack raised his foot ready to squash it.
"No!' A voice yelled behind him. The curly haired man who he had once had lunch with was running towards him.
"Damn." Jack said out loud. He couldn't stand the man.
"Oh, please be okay, please be okay." The curly haired man dropped to his knees and looked at the bug.
"Hi, Grissom, how are you?"
The man looked up. "Do I know you?"
"Yeah…we had lunch a few weeks back."
Grissom scratched at his head. "Gee I don't recall seeing you before."
"Maybe you're losing your memory as well as your hearing." Jack grumbled.
"Could be. They just make up things as we go." Grissom put his face to the linoleum and spoke to the bug. "Oh, honey this doesn't look good."
Jack rubbed his eyes. "How's it going with Sara?"
"Who?"
"Sara! The woman you love but nearly ignore."
"Oh, is she the one with the whips?"
"No!" Jack was exasperated.
"The one who makes faces out of play dough?'
"No. Don't you recall who it is that you love?'
"Depends on the day and the writer." Grissom put his face to the ground cooing words to the little insect.
"Well, I'm going to leave you to your…bug. Bye, Grissom." Jack walked away.
"Okay. Oh, you poor little thing. I promise to take care of you…" Grissom's voice drifted as Jack moved down to the bread aisle.
"Hell." Jack closed his eyes.
"Jack, Jack, Jack. How are you, you?" The red haired man nearly smiled.
"Fine thanks. What are you doing here?"
"Oh, I need some bread for Yelina."
"Never mind I don't want to know anymore." Jack shudder at the thought of the cop he never meant. "I thought you were going to try to make it work with the blonde, Horatio."
"Oh, well, well, I wanted to do that by the producers said no, no. They said no."
Jack laughed. "All you do is add a little sex to the scenes and bam, message boards will light up with people discovering the subtle clues to your relationship. People will even go as far as to promise to eat off their own arm if you two haven't had sex."
Horatio's eyes lit up. "Really? How does one add sex to scenes?"
"Well, for example if you are looking at a loaf of bread with your shipmate, say something like: "Which is your favorite Canadian white or hearty rye?" You know full well which is her favorite but you are waiting for her reaction."
"Oh, like flirting, flirting."
"Right. Then she'll lower her voice and gave you a half smile replying, "I guess hearty rye. Doesn't everyone need something hearty in their life?" Then you stare."
Hortio looked questionally at Jack. "You stare?"
"Yes, preferably for longer than 10 seconds so that it can be used in various music videos. The audience will go haywire and voila your ship is born."
"Thanks, Jack I will try to remember that."
Jack nodded his head and continued down the aisle until he reached the magazine rack. There stood Danny intensely looking at a magazine.
Jack was finally glad to see someone. "Danny!"
Danny spun around, his face red, looking like he was trying to hide something. He tried to pretend the magazine in his hand was invisible.
"Whatcha reading?" Jack asked.
"Nothing…"
"You can't be reading nothing Danny, come on what's upsetting you?" Danny's eyes widened but he didn't speak. Emulating the swiftness of a jungle cat, Jack snatched the magazine from Danny's grip. His eyes looked at the cover and then up at Danny. "Good Housekeeping??"
"Um…yeah…there is a great article in there on…um…gun safety." Danny nodded, sweat creasing his brow.
"Gun safety in Good Housekeeping?"
"Ah, huh." Danny looked at his wrist, which held no watch. "Oh, look at the time, I better get going."
"Danny, you're not wearing a watch." But as Jack said it he saw Danny run out of the store and jump into a car that suspiciously looked like Martin's.
What a night, Jack thought to himself. He was just about to pay for his juice when he heard a heated conversation in the pop tart aisle. Horatio and Grissom were surrounding no other than Barry Mashburn.
"Come on you've done it before. You have done it before."
"This would give us scientific proof that there is some form of the metaphysical reaction some label "love" occurring."
"I can't!" Barry looked upset. "I won't take you hostage so that you can see if the women in your lives will trade their life for yours!"
"I think Calleigh would especially if it meant getting a chance to shoot someone," Horatio said rubbing his chin.
"Sara would, too as long as it was a week that I PSVed her and not one where I didn't see her for three straight months in the lab." Grissom cradled his bug in his hand.
"Well, I can't help you so leave me alone, okay?" Barry was nearly at tears.
"Fine, fine."
"I'm good at leaving people alone."
Jack paid for his V-8 and went out to his car. Removing his cell phone he dialed a number.
"Hello," Samantha answered.
"Hi, it's me."
"Hey, you."
"Would you answer this for me: if the Mashburn situation was reversed would you have traded your life for mine?"
"Yes, I would have. Only one thing would have been different."
Jack swallowed, "What?"
"I wouldn't have carried you out of the bookstore."
Jack smiled even though she couldn't see it. "Thanks. Do you think Martin would have traded his life for Danny?"
"Only if a hamburger was somehow involved."
They both laughed the night away.