This is a totally amazing parody of Twilight that you will love, because I said so. It was made mainly by my friend, and she typed it up for me to post. So yeah. Love it.

Moonlight
A Complete and Accurate Account of the Twilight Novels

The sun glinted harshly off the grungy police car her father drove. On her first day at Forks High School, Bella Swan found herself sitting shotgun to a man she hadn't seen in ten years after the awful mess of a divorce he had had with her mother. As the deputy and Head of Security at the tiny high school in an even tinier town, he felt it was his duty and obligation to escort his little girl to her first day of her senior year.
"I'm so glad you're moving in with me." Charlie commented as the car sputtered around an unusually hairpin turn. Bella raised her eyebrows, knowing her dull demeanor reminded her aging father of her even duller mother.
"I just want to meet hot guys. They ran out in Petersburg, Maine," she replied, not even being entirely sarcastic. Bella couldn't stand small towns. Her life's goal was to have a high school boyfriend, but she doubted that Forks was any bigger or had any larger of a selection of guys than Petersburg did.
"Well, here it is," her father said as the approached the brownstone building. "I'm going to walk you in and introduce you to the principal."
"No!" Bell shouted, causing Charlie to slam on the brakes and then scan around furiously to see if he had in some way obstructed traffic. "You'll scare away the dudes!"
"Fine," he grumbled, not really paying attention to the fact that Bella wasn't really paying attention anymore. Instead, she rummaged through her purse as if her life depended on it.
"Oh no! I forgot my eyeliner! No one will ever love me now!" She gulped a dry sob, knowing this was her only chance to make a first impression.
"Get out of my cat, I mean car! Get out of my car!" her father shouted at her, clearly not wanting his little girl to put on eyeliner and possibly obtain a boyfriend.
Bella opened the door with a loud clunk. "Bye dad," she said rather dejectedly. As she stepped away from the curb and toward the school, she saw a pretty girl with a pixie cut The girl turned around and smiled, walking up to Bella.
"Hi! I'm Alice!" Her voice was unusually perky and quite annoying. "You're new."
Bella looked at her blankly. "I know that."
"You know, you would make such a good couple with my older brother, Edward. He's hot." Bella ears perked up and felt warmth traveling through her. It quickly dissipated when she remembered she wasn't wearing eyeliner.
"He won't think I'm hot because I'm not wearing eyeliner."
"You're right, but there he is!"
"Who?" Bella asked, eyeing the pitiful amount of guys standing on the front lawn.
"The hot one." That actually narrowed it down because the only other guy standing there was a freckly redhead with a bad case of acne.
"Oh," Bella said. "Um… okay. What do I do?"
"I don't know," Alice replied. "You could talk to him."
Gathering all the courage she could muster, she tiptoed her way up to him. "Do you want to go to prom with me?" she asked.
He slowly turned around looking her up and down like she was a piece of meat. "Eww," he muttered. "You smell…delicious! Wow! Can I eat you?"
Bella looked at him like he was insane. "Excuse me! No!"
"Well…" he muttered pointedly. "This is awkward"
Bella looked up and for the first time, she met his golden eyes. They were so beautiful, bursting with a hunger that she knew could consume her if she took even one step toward him. She could barely breathe.
"Why do you want to eat me?" she asked him still looking into his eyes like a creeper.
He glanced down breaking their eye contact. "Umm… uh… no reason."
Bella smiled gratefully. "Right."
He looked at her and said sadly, "You don't want to be around me."
"No!" Bella's heart screamed at her. "This is your soul mate!"
In a last ditch effort to win his love, she asked, "Wanna hang after school?" He looked up from the text he was typing.
"Sure. I have a car. We can go to the hospital for our first date."
Unable to hold it in any longer, she blurted, "I love you!"
"And I love you," was his romantic reply. But Bella could feel something was wrong. He just wasn't like everyone else.
"What are you hiding from me?" she asked in a breathless whisper. "What is your secret?"
He stared at he, his smoky gaze filling her with the most pure happiness she had ever felt. His silence filled the space between them until he finally broke it with, "Secrets are meant to be kept. I'll tell you on our first date."
Again remembering her lack of makeup, she asked him cautiously, "Do you wear eyeliner?"
"Of course," he answered, rummaging in his masculine accessory bag to find it. There was a loud noise and a scream, and then a very tall guy ran forward causing Edward to jump in surprise and drop his bag.
"Get away from her you blood sucking fiend!" the man yelled. He was very tall, probably six-foot-seven, but was younger than it first appeared. He really was only about their age. Bella was stuck on his words. Blood sucking? Was he a...?
"Edward!" Bella protested. "I thought we were in love! You were supposed to tell me everything!"
His eyes were dark as he stared up at her, deep regret filling them. "Bella," he said. "I'm a vampire."
The other boy wasted no time, speaking before the secret could sink in. "I'll kill you if you touch her!"
"I'll touch her," Edward growled. There was only a slight moment of hesitation before Edward grabbed Bella and began to kiss her rather forcefully.
The stranger, completely appalled by the sight, balled his hand into fists, and through gritted teeth said, "That does it!" His body began to elongate, and mangy fur sprouted from his skin. A werewolf.
Breaking the kiss, Bella shrieked and whispered, "Who are you?"
The wolf's response was low growl. "You don't remember me? I'm Jacob! I was your valentine in fourth grade!"
Bella's eyes widened as the realization dawned on her. "Oh my gosh! I'm in love with you Jacob! I always have been!"
"But you love him more." With a running start, he tackled Edward, bringing him to the ground.
"Edward!" said Bella, making up her mind. "We need to get married. Now."
Gasping from Jacob's weight, he responded, "Kind of busy right now. I can do five more minutes."
Seeing the scene, Alice approached the group. "I have a dress in my locker you could use," She offered.
"No!" Jacob shouted. "I love you Bella."
She looked at him with sad eyes. "Don't make this harder than it already is, Jacob. I'm going to go get changed." She walked off without looking back. Jacob slowly morphed back into a human and clambered off of Edward. They stood there glaring at each other until they were rudely interrupted by a loud noise.
A young woman entered. Her red hair whipped violently around her face, and the evil grin that tugged at her lips showed her true nature.
"Victoria," Edward hissed.
She just laughed, tipping her head back and letting the sound fill the early morning fog. "I swore one day I would kill you, Edward. Today just so happens to be that day." Her self-confident smirk illuminated her face with an oppressive light. She jumped at Edward, attacking him with her sharp vampiric teeth. Edward fell back, trying to obtain the upper hand, but his fight with Jacob had greatly depleted his strength. With one final blow, Victoria sent him flying.
Edward landed with a hard thwack. What little life that was left in his eyes fought to stay there.
"Akk… I… love Bella. Please let me… see her… one… last… time…"
No sooner had he spoken, than Bella came back in a yellow sundress.
"I'm ready, Edward," she called. But when she turned the corner, she saw his body strewn across the rocky landscaping of the school. "Oh no!" she screamed. "What happened?"
Victoria, admiring the work she had accomplished, just smiled and said, "My work here is done." She walked down the road fading into the fog.
"Edward!" Bella sobbed.
"I'm dying. I love you."
"No! Edward!" She shook his body trying to force the life back into it, but it was too late. Edward was gone. Bella felt tears slide down her face. She had lost him, her soul mate.
Jacob stood in the shadows, not sure how to appreciate the grieving Bella.
"I'm sorry about… you know I'm here for you if you need me…if you want…"
"No. Jacob, I can't live in your world anymore. It ripped me apart. I think the only way I'll heal is if I move to Kentucky and become a curator at a local museum. Bye Jacob." And with out another word, she too walked away.
Jacob turned, and seeing Alice, he walked over to her.
"Maybe it's a good thing they died. They never could have found a way to be together," Alice sniffed. Jacob nodded in agreement. He looked at the small vampire. He had never realized how pretty she was.
"Maybe we should find a way to make it work," he murmured looking into her golden eyes and taking her hand.
"You know what?" she replied. "That sounds like a good idea."