The Sue Slayers

Mission One: Tarrant's Twu Wuv

A/N: Gavin Castling belongs to fairfarrenlovelylydia. She is also the other Slayer. (Lydia, you get first kill!)

It was a beautiful day in Underland. Birds were singing, flowers were gossiping, and the Mad Hatter was skipping about declaring his great love for Aurora Katherine Victoria Desiree Emerald Haynes.

Aurora had arrived only moments before, and Tarrant had taken one look at her flowing, shimmery blonde hair, perfect DDD breasts, slim waistline, chartreuse eyes that reflected infinite wisdom, pain, and sadness, and immediately forgotten all about Alice. "My dearest darling love, where do you come from and why do you look so utterly devastated?"

Aurora wiped a glistening pearl of a tear away from her alabaster cheeks with a perfectly pale hand and spoke in a voice that reminded Tarrant of the most beautiful music he had ever heard. "I am nobody special, just a long lost princess who was orphaned at birth when my parents died in a tragic accident involving monkeys and a lightning rod. I was raised by my horrid aunt who never appreciated me and made me do horrible things like clean my room and do laundry. I was locked in a damp, dingy, rat-infested basement and given only stale three day old bread crusts and sewer water to drink. My aunt made me clean the house with a toothbrush with only two bristles and beat me with a brick if I didn't obey her every wish. But I never gave up hope that someday I would find true happiness."

Tarrant sobbed dramatically. "Oh...boohoo...that's so horrid! Do please continue with your oh so moving story, my darling! For although we have just met, I know that you are my True Destiny and we will be forever and ever and ever and ever in the deepest and truest of truest and deepest loves."

Aurora sobbed as she continued to tell how no one at school liked her and were jealous because she had a tested IQ of 459 and was taking advanced college classes even though she was only a senior in high school. They were jealous of her many talents in music, painting, writing, dancing, acting, and everything else. "No...wahhh...nobody loved me, so I fell down the Hole, and now I am happy because I've found you, my darling Hatter! We will have a perfect wedding and perfect babies and a perfect life. It will be perfect." Tarrant took her into his strong and muscular arms, his eyes flooded with tears.

Aurora clung to Tarrant like a barnacle as they wailed and bawled.

Unknown to either of them, their entire nauseatingly sappy and angst filled display had been noticed. Nivens Mctwisp fought back the bile that threatened to rise as he hopped quickly towards the White Palace. "Another Sue, we're getting more and more every day! I do hope Mirana has a solution!"

Mirana was sitting in her chambers going over a very touching letter she had just received from Sir Gavin Castling, a retired knight turned wine merchant that she had met while on a walking tour of her kingdom. She had been in ordinary garb, but he had recognized her straight off. Much to her relief, he had kept silent, and offered to act as a guide. He knew all the best taverns and sights, and Mirana had found herself quite infatuated with him after only a few short days.

'My dear Mirana,(read the letter in part) 'I have not been able to stop thinking of you since that wonderful holiday. If I may, I would like to call upon you later this evening. If you are in favor, leave a Mirror open and I will come through at a time which is most convenient to you.

Yours Very Truly,

Gavin Castling.'

Mirana smiled, then turned to her Mirror, speaking in a clear voice that only trembled a little from anticipation. "Sir Gavin Castling." The mirror shimmered, and Mirana beamed as her reflection faded to be replaced by a pale man of average height with light blond hair and deep blue eyes. "Sir Gavin, what a joy to receive your letter. I so enjoyed our time together."

Gavin smiled. "It was my pleasure, Mirana. I so enjoyed walking along the White Sea and the dinners we had. I have been hoping that you would be calling on me."

"I was wondering, Sir Gavin, if you would like to...what in Time?!" She spun around, gawping in shock at the breathless Rabbit that had just come barreling in. "Mctwisp, explain yourself!"

The Rabbit struggled to speak between gasps. "Tarrant...spell...Sue...Aurora...beautiful...tragic..." he fainted when Mirana let loose with a string of very UnQueenly curses. Gavin blinked, taken aback.

"Mirana, what in Time? What is the matter?"

"Slurking barlom Sue bint! Gavin, I'm terribly sorry but I have to make a very important call. The fate of Tarrant hinges on it."

"He's being influenced by a Sue?"

Mirana blinked in surprise. "You know about those vile creatures?"

Gavin nodded, his face solemn. "Oh yes. I met one in my youth named Serena Sparkle Jewel. Luckily, I was able to cast off her poisonous influence. If you need any help, I can recommend some excellent Slayers. They are not cheap, but they do an extremely efficient job. Their names are Teresa Wright and Lydia McGlyn."

Mirana laughed. "I know them! They helped rid Underland of the Sue known as Narcissa! Good Slayers both. Now, Gavin, I really need to call Teresa." Gavin nodded in understanding and broke the connection. Mirana sighed, then spoke in a commanding tone. "Teresa Wright." The mirror shimmered once more, revealing a tall, fit woman of thirty with black hair streaked with red. She was cleaning her nails with a pocket knife and had her booted feet propped up on a table strewn with knives of all sizes and shapes. She looked up, grinning.

"Mirana. What a pleasant surprise. How may I be of service to you?"

"Teresa, we've got another Sue. She arrived only yesterday, and Tarrant has fallen under her spell!"

Teresa sat up straight, her eyes blazing. "Tell me everything."

"Her name is Aurora Katherine Victoria Desiree Emerald Haynes, and she has a overwrought and tragic background. Tarrant has been following her around and weeping like the Mock turtle. It's becoming quite annoying. And the worst of it is, we can't find his family anywhere."

Teresa cursed loudly. "It's a Twu Wuv Black Hole Sue. She makes it so that she's the only thing he notices. She's got his true family stashed somewhere."

"Can things be put right?"

Teresa grinned maliciously. "Of course. Lydia and I go in and kill Abobbo or whatever her name is, and reality will be restored. Tarrant will find himself at the Tea Tables, and think he just had a very bad dream." Mirana sighed in relief and broke the connection, and Teresa spoke without looking around. "So, Lydia, you ready to go kill another Sue?"

Lydia walked in, loaded down with more knives than Terri could count. "You bet! When do we leave?"

Terri grinned and strapped on her knives. "Right now. We should come out right near the Sue, so be prepared. Ready?" Lydia nodded, eyes alight with blood lust, and Teresa opened a passage that would take them directly to Tarrant and Aurora.

"And our seventh child will be named Celeste after the only person that ever cared even a little bit about me, my great-grandmother, who tragically was unable to care for me due to her crippling Bingo addiction but who would send me two dollar certificates to McDonald's every year, but of course I never got to use them because my evil Aunt Mildred stole everything from me! BOO HOO HOO!"

Lydia fought back a scream of rage as she took in the scene-Tarrant sitting at the Tea Table, his eyes swimming with tears as he gazed at the impossibly beautiful and big titted girl sitting in the Chair. "Oh, bitch, you did not! You did NOT steal Tarrant's Chair! Terri, I want to kill this one! Let me kill this one! Please?" Teresa nodded her approval, too incoherent with laughter to speak, and Lydia danced in glee before stepping forward. "Excuse me!"

Aurora blinked at the servant girl that had seemingly emerged out of thin air. She wasn't too surprised, though-her beloved Tarrant had told her that this was a strange land. "Yes, peasant?" She blinked again as the peasant-a very plain girl with horrid brown hair-smiled toothily. Tarrant sat and stared into space, boohooing and unaware of anything.

"Aurora Katherine Victoria Desiree Haynes?" At a regal nod, Lydia's grin grew wider. "My name is Lydia McGlyn, Sue Slayer, and it is my Duty to inform you that you are guilty of the following crimes: Temporarily erasing Tarrant's real family from existence, attempting to make him your twu wuv, turning him into a sappy, whiny emo baby, having a frankly hilarious 'tragic' past, being a whiner, and worst of all, sitting in the Chair. For that, as well as having a body that frankly defies the laws of physics, you are sentenced to an immediate and painful death. There is no appeal." Aurora gasped and tried to get out of the Chair and make a run for it, but Lydia whipped out two knives, throwing them with blinding speed and pinned her to the Chair. Aurora screamed prettily as sparkly blood seeped from the wounds in her shoulders. Lydia unsheathed two long daggers and stepped forward. Aurora's tears flowed daintily.

"Why? All I wanted was for Tarrant to be my one true love! I only wanted to be loved, and appreciated,"

"And worshiped, and adored, and idolized, and Tarrant has a family and a true love, and why am I still talking to you?" Lydia plunged her daggers into Aurora's eyes and throat, watching in satisfaction as she screamed and died.

The ground began to shake, and Lydia clung to the Table. "What the?"

Teresa kept her balance by clinging to a nearby tree. "Reality is reasserting itself! We'd better get going!" Lydia stumbled forward, looking in concern at the rigid figure of Tarrant. "Lyds, don't worry about Tarrant! Once reality is restored, he'll have his true family back and Aurora will be nothing but a bad dream. We can visit later." Lydia nodded and ran forward, and the Slayers leapt through the passage to home just as a titanic upheaval occurred.

Tarrant shook himself as he came to. What a horrible dream he had just had! His family was gone, and he was in lust with an impossibly beautiful and large-chested girl!

"Thank Time it was only a nightmare! I'd better hurry, Arianna has invited Alice and I over for dinner."

He went inside to change, eager to see his family.

And in Slayer Headquarters, Teresa marked another Mission as Complete.

Until the next one...