AN: Self-Insert stories have caught my interest ever since I first read "This Bites!" And with stories like "Crysis Effect", "Spidey's Life is a Game.", and "Yet Again, With a Little Extra Help." I thought I'd give it a go.
Disclaimer: There's no one on Earth who could dispute the fact that I don't own Star Wars.
Throughout history there have been several fights. Some of them epic.
Braveheart: "They may take our lives…but they'll never take out FREEDOM!" William Wallace yells to his countrymen, who until this moment were ready to run and cower as Scotland tradition is washed away. As they start cheering, William is pleased to see that none of them have any notion of running.
Some of them beautiful.
47 Ronin: As Kai and the Tengu lord race forward for the katana between them, if others were to look upon them, they would only see what appears to be orange and brown smoke rushing forward to clash in battle.
Some of them that would bring a tear to the eye.
The Last Samurai: Nathan and Katsumoto, along with every samurai around them, draw their katana, ready to fight—to die for their ways and beliefs.
And some of them without even throwing a punch.
Doctor Who: "I'm the Doctor, and you're in the biggest library in the universe. Look me up!" The Vashta Nerada inhabiting Its latest meal gives pause, does as the strange man says, and pulls back itself upon realizing the it is sorely outmatched.
But some fights … not so much.
Our universe: BAM!
Oh, that's a broken nose. No, wait. Yup. No—yup. That's my broken nose. Yay. That was one of my best features, and now it's broken.
"C'mon nerd," says Carter. He's the local town idiot who thinks he's tough, but when I say he's an idiot, I mean he is the only person I know who repeated the 3rd Grade FIVE TIMES. If you need a scale of how fucking annoying—he is: a full stadium of vuvuzelas, MULTIPLIED BY CANCER. Yeah, that annoying. "Show us some of those 'Jadi reflexes' that you keep talking about."
"It's JEDI, You idiot. Also, why the hell are you on their side?" As it turns out, terrorists do accept bullies into their group. Yep, terrorists are attacking my high school. Why? Well as they said, 'For shits and giggles.' And Carter is helping them. Or maybe he hired them? Either way, I don't see myself as living past today. I had tried to crawl away, maybe get help, but then Carter kicked me in the face. Thus, broken nose.
"Because I'm tired of seeing you idiots going about your life like the bugs you are. You trash always think that the world is so damn easy to live in. Well guess what? It isn't." Carter picks up his gun from the table and points it at my head. "So long, nerd."
There was a white flash, and then nothing but blackness. My last thought was, 'That figures, the one time I try to be a hero, and I get a hole in my head.'
You'd think that the afterlife would be white but apparently, it's a mixture of blue and red with some yellow thrown in. I hear voices in the distance, slowly growing closer.
I peel my eyes open, my eyelids feeling like someone sealed them with duct tape. The world is a blur of colors and shapes. As my eyes focus I notice a few things, mostly the BIG ASS DROIDEKA INFRONT OF ME! "Shit!" I exclaim and duck to the left, circling around behind him, and prepare for the oncoming fire. Surprisingly, this Droideka doesn't even notices me. I look around at the blue tinted room. It looks like we're in the Count's mansion on Serenno. There where battle Droids all over the room, all their weapons pointed at….MY DAD?! With MANDOLORIAN ARMOR?! WHAT?! Oh wait, that's me. I could tell because Dad will never grow more than peach fuzz. That is a beard that looks like it was chiseled from obsidian. Again, WHAT?! HOW THE FUCK DID I GET THIS OLD?! "This isn't gonna be like the last few times, Count. I probably won't kill you, but I will fuck up your plans." What the fuck did I…. he…...WE say? Why are there Droids around me? Why do I sound so confident about facing Count Dooku? And why do I-I mean, why does he, have a cybernetic eye?
"You presume too much, boy. Do you honestly believe that you could survive this?" Wow, Count Dooku does look like Sir Christopher Lee (Rest in Peace). What the hell am I…. he…WE doing here?
"Oh Count. What makes you think I have anything left to live for?" Wait WHAT? What did I just say? Taking another look at the other me I notice that, even in this blue tint, I can see that his organic eye is a sickly yellow.
Before I can even comprehend what this means my vision starts to swirl. As the swirl starts to slow, it shows me a new scene. I'm looking at myself, just like he was in the previous vision, standing on a starship's bridge, in front of us what looks like a star cruiser.
"Admiral, status?" The other me looks towards a Twi'lek male in a grey uniform, standing behind some clones in the same uniform.
"Charge holding steady at 110% sir." Charge? Charge for what?
A Trandoshan was on a holopad, looking like he just came out of a meat grinder "You wouldn't dare" the meat grinder byproduct says. "You Jedi never kill defenseless people." What? The other me starts walking towards the front window, waits for a second, then begins to speak.
"First, you stole something from me. This is a punishment. And second," he turns to the holopad and glares with his cybernetic eye, "I'm not a Jedi. Admiral…. Fire."
I hear my voice behind me and turn to catch the tail end of myself speaking. "-what do you know of the Huk War, Master Fisto?" There he is, standing over what looks like an operating table with Kit Fisto standing off to the side. On the table lays the Kaleesh cyborg, General Grievous.
"A little. The Kaleesh were attacking the Yam'rii and…." Grievous starts thrashing on the table and I quickly place a hand on his chest plate. "NO, Master Fisto, the Kaleesh were the victims in this, fighting only to drive the Yam'rii off their planets. The Yam'rii paid the Trade Federation off and in comes the Jedi, not to investigate, but to STOP the Kaleesh!" At this point, the other me is looking very livid, organic eye twitching every now and then. "That isn't the job description of a Jedi! THAT'S THE DESCRIPTION OF A MERCENARY!" The other me hasn't turned from Grievous during that whole rant of his, and the way he's standing near Grievous is almost like a protector.
I blink my eyes and suddenly the scene changes. I'm standing in a blue tinted field with Anakin, Ahsoka, and a random clone. Behind us is a roaring fire consuming what was left of a fortress. In front of us is the other me. "Well, I'd say that was an excellent offensive. I'm just sad that it's over, mostly because the enemy commander died of natural causes." Anakin and Ahsoka look at me curiously. The clone commander turns to face me. "Natural causes? He died because of a broken neck." The other me stares out at the beautiful landscape before him. "I believe that dying once your neck breaks is very natural indeed. Especially given all the people I know who WOULDN'T die under those circumstances."
The blue tinted world fades and changes to a cantina. The armored me is sitting at a booth with Obi-wan and Anakin. "Are you sure this person is reliable?" Obi-wan seems to be doubting him. Typical. Wait what? Where did that come from? "Reliable is a strong word…...so is trustworthy…...discreet is actually looking a little weak right now. Anyway, it's fine. We'll have no problems with our mission if he's in on it." I hear a chime at the entrance and turn to look at OH MY GOD! THAT'S KAL SKIRATA! Head of the Skirata clan of Mandolorians and leader of the clone Omega Squad! HOLY FUCK! Where the Hell did I make friends with him? The other me stands and moves to…hug him? "Alor'ad! K'olar!" Captain! come here? When did I learn Mando'a? He smirks and hugs him back. "Al'verde." Commander? What?
My vision swirls again and I'm taken to a dark stone room. The other me is sitting in the middle with a spotlight focused on him. Around him are the other Jedi Masters of the Council, but something was different about them. They seemed to be more evil. "Obviously, I'm afraid, but that won't rule my life. I've got the courage to push forward. That's what makes me alive." The telltale Snap-hiss of a lightsaber being ignited draws me to the other me and I see his pitch-black blade. "That's what makes me better than you, Abelloth."
Suddenly, my vision goes bright white. What the hell was all that? What kind of Purgatory is this? Why is it showing me these visions? Why am I so cold? Seriously, I'm freezing. Wait, aren't I dead? How could I be freezing?
The blinding white of the room fades to barely tolerable. My head feels like it's trying to freeze, melt, pull itself apart, and explode all at once.
"It seems the patient is awake. How are you feeling?" I slowly turn my head towards the voice and freeze. DEADLY ROBOTS! EXECUTE ROBOT FACE KICK! My kick seems to have knocked the robot's head clear to the other side of what looks to be an operating theater. I suddenly realize that my breathing isn't as smooth as it should be. There's a tube in my throat, I'm starting to choke. I reach up and quickly remove the obstruction, immediately turning to the side and puking when it's out. I slowly get up from the oval bed and rush towards the door. I very quickly vacate the area and rush into an adjacent room. What the hell was that robot? Where the fuck am I?
My eye catches on a very shiny box. I turn and look to see if I had all my parts. Two black eyes, short black hair, small scar on my right cheek from when I came extremely close to having a Glasgow smile. Everything about my face looks normal, but what of my body? Other than the weird patient gown I'm wearing, I'm still my tall, moderately overweight, 18-year-old self. I need to get out of here!
C'mon, think dude. What was it the guys on Burn Notice said? Something about needing to escape and being under age 4 or you can't fit in an air vent, so try the sub-ceiling. Yeah that's good advice, EXCEPT WHEN THERE'S NO FUCKING SUB-CEILING. *sigh*, maybe I should just book it down the hallway. If I run into someone then I'll just kick in their face. I grab my backpack and haul ass down the corridor, passing bright white door after bright white door. Geez, you'd think they had a theme going here. Wherever here is. White door, white door, white door, glass door, white do- wait. I backtrack and confirm that, yes, there is a glass door.
Freedom! As the door slides open my nose is immediately assaulted by the salty scent of the ocean. I look out and see only water everywhere and rain beating against my face. I look down and watch what appears to be a devil ray with a duck's head breach the water and start flying toward one of the floating cities docks. I'm frozen in shock at my surroundings. The glass door opens behind me and I hear someone's footsteps approach me.
"Where am I?" I'm asking but I'm sure I know the answer already. "Is it not so obvious? This is Tipoca city." The Kaminoan says. Yup, I'm in the Star Wars Universe. Fuck.
AN: Please Review, the more advice you give, the better the story can grow.