And Then There Were None
Disclaimer: Animorphs are property of Scholastic and K.A. Applegate.
Summary: What happened to Cassie after The Beginning.
Rating: PG, for language (one word)
Notes: I read Animorphs when I could get them until book 36 or something, then stopped trying to keep up. A few days ago I was in Chapters and picked up the final book out of curiosity and a vague sense of loyalty. It was one of the saddest and most anguishing books I have read (and this is coming from someone who bought The Amber Spyglass, which must win an award for heart-wrenching endings.) Much thanks to Adam, for beta-reading and improving this story immensely.
I woke up knowing they were dead.
It was a dull aching pain, like something had reached into my chest and twisted. I snapped awake, eyes wide and muscles tense. For a terrifying moment I didn't know where-or what-I was. A glance at the clock radio by my bed revealed it was close to one in the morning. It took a while longer to remember the rest.
The others (when did I start thinking of them as "the others"?) had left to find Ax. They'd left…and I'd stayed. And now they were dead.
I lay there for a while, trying to convince myself I was imagining things. That this was just a manifestation of subconscious anger towards myself for not going with them. But somehow I knew, with horrible certainty, that they had died. It was more than just a feeling…it was bone- and soul-deep. It was the same when Rachel was killed. Maybe the years of telepathy had done something to us…humans were different than Andalites.
They were dead. All of them. Rachel first, and now Jake and Marco and Tobias and Ax. And I was the only one left.
I had betrayed them.
No! That wasn't true! Jake told me to stay. I hadn't betrayed them. Just because I hadn't gone with them, just because I'd been the one who had to ensure the future of that which we'd fought for, didn't mean I had betrayed them.
Bullshit
, said another part of me. You didn't even want to go. You were afraid.Jake was afraid, too
.But that never stopped him,
laughed the voice. He had courage. They all did. No one ever backed down. Except you. You were always the weak link, Cassie. You were the sour chord. And you were relieved when he told you to stay.No! I wanted to go with him!
Liar. And now you're the last one left.
They're all dead.
I couldn't have stopped that. My presence wouldn't have changed anything.
But you abandoned them. You weren't even there at the end. You divided the Animorphs.
Tears were running freely down my face, and I was crying too hard to even make a sound. The phrase "broken heart" meant something to me now…the emotional pain was tearing me in half. I curled into a ball and tried to shut myself off.
An hour later, I got up and dressed. I realised halfway through pulling the flannel shirt over my head that I'd put on a pair of skintight spandex shorts and t-shirt out of habit. I was so used to them I couldn't even feel it.
Just like old times, I thought, and left the house.
***
I hadn't hiked through the woods at night in a long time. Occasionally I would morph wolf and go for a moonlight run, to try and forget my life. I never told anyone about it, but Tobias and Toby knew.
I took a deep breath of air and concentrated on enjoying my human senses; I wasn't planning on using them again.
I knew that I was taking the coward's way out. But I was burnt out, empty, hollow. There are some depths that sentient life was never intended to sink to…I was past them.
There was nothing left for me here. My work? It could easily be done by my associates, and they'd do a better job than I did. I was very aware of the fact that I was mostly a figurehead. Ronnie would live. My family…they would live.
Would they?
said the voice again. In their position, could you?They had to. I hoped so, because I wasn't going back. I couldn't continue as though nothing had ever happened.
This felt like the right thing to do.
The half-moon was more than adequate for seeing the terrain, and it took me less than forty-five minutes to reach the clearing I had in mind. It was hidden far from the trail, and as far as I knew, there were only two sentient beings aware of its existence.
The other one was waiting for me when I arrived. She swung down from a tree branch as big around as I was, and nodded a greeting.
"Thank you, Toby."
The seer's expression grew worried. I was afraid she would ask me what was wrong, but instead she said, "What do you wish me to do?"
"Just…clean up after I'm gone. Mask my scent. Make it seem like no one was ever here."
The Hork-Bajir stiffened, aware of the crime I was about to commit. "Cassie…"
"I swear I'll never ask anything of you again."
"That's what I'm afraid of."
"Please, Toby."
Toby looked at me sadly. "Once, Cassie, you inspired me with your hope. Your belief in the future. Why have you given up?"
"I haven't given up," I said quietly. "I just can't go on."
Without warning, the seer embraced me in a tight hug, careful not to crush or cut me. "I wish I could help." I would have started to cry again, if I had anything left in me. But I had shed every tear I possessed. Drained. Empty.
Toby Hamee released me and leapt into the trees above. A minute later all I heard were the crickets.
And far off, the wolves.
I was as comfortable in wolf morph as I was in my own body, which would make this all the more difficult. The true wolf was buried deep in my subconscious, and hadn't surfaced for years. I padded a few metres from my pile of shed clothing, lay down and concentrated on dredging the wolf's mind back from where I had imprisoned it.
It was harder than I'd expected. Almost like mental physiotherapy, trying to retrain your brain to perform elementary functions. Yet in a strange way, the other mind was comforting…an old and long-absent friend.
It took me an hour to regain lupine instincts, and another hour to forget my own and let the wolf take control.
***
Toby Hamee, first seer of the free Hork-Bajir of Earth, crouched on a limb reaching high over the clearing. She dropped from her perch as the wolf trotted away and gathered up the abandoned clothing, then scuffed branches and leaves over the ground. A few days, and no one would be able to tell it had ever been disturbed.
But something stopped her from leaving just yet. Toby stood motionless at the edge of the trees, then made a decision. She swung up into the branches, climbing higher and higher until she was certain no human would ever see her. The Hork-Bajir scraped a section of trunk free of bark and angled her sharpest wrist blade towards the bare patch. She carved the last Animorph's name three inches into the wood, then added the recently-created Hork-Bajir symbol for love beneath it.
VERY APPROPRIATE, a voice behind her said. Toby whirled and crouched instinctively, ready to spring. A glowing being stood there, radiating a feeling of incredible age. Part of the seer wondered how it managed to stand where there was no tree.
"What do you want?"
The Ellimist blinked slowly. I WANT NOTHING. ONLY TO SEE HOW THE STORY ENDS.
Toby watched him, knowing he meant more. "What happens?"
The old alien shrugged. I AM NOT A GOD, WHICH MANY FORGET. I DO NOT KNOW IF HER SOUL HAS STAYED IN THE BODY, OR IF IT HAS FLED. I CANNOT FULLY EXPLAIN THIS LIFE. HOW AM I TO UNDERSTAND THE NEXT?
She scrutinized him, trying to detect a hint of insincerity. But he was as unreadable as a Taxxon. "Is this how the story is supposed to finish?"
"That depends on who you ask."
"But it was not meant to end this way," the seer insisted, sounding more certain than she felt. As if saying it out loud would make it true.
Silence.
"Cassie knew that. She tried to fix it."
The Ellimist said nothing still.
A note of desperation crept unpercieved into the Hork-Bajir's voice. "Can't you do something?"
"The story is over. It is not my place."
"That never stopped you."
But the Ellimist had already left. Toby spun angrily and sliced off a foot-thick branch in frustration. For a moment she wished she was human, so she could cry.