"Am I the biggest loser on the beach?" SpongeBob called out to the skies above.
"No, I am," said a red fish as she approached SpongeBob. "I forget to put on sunscreen…"
SpongeBob winced sympathetically as she revealed the scorching pain. Just then another Goo Lagoon attendee shimmied to his side.
"No, I am," said the blue newcomer. "I got sand in my buns…"
SpongeBob stared down at the sanded buns and began to weep.
"What's wrong, SpongeBob?" asked the red fish. "It's just a little bit of sand in the buns."
SpongeBob fell to the ground and beat the sand with a shaky fist. "I wish all the sand was gone!" he bellowed. He then launched his long, agile tongue from his maw and procured the tainted buns from the blue one. "I shall swallow these whole!" And he did just that.
The blue fish gasped. "But those were my buns, SpongeBob!"
SpongeBob grunted something deadly and attractive and then took out his boxing gloves. He delivered a formidable aerial rush on his foe and then shoved his whole foot down his throat. The blue fish swallowed the shoe and the sock.
SpongeBob howled in agony as he realised the death of his footwear. He took out Mr. Krabs's lucky penny and flipped it. It landed heads, thus he decided to let the buns out bunwards.
The red fish was astonished by the craftmanship of SquarePants. She took out an orchid and placed it in SpongeBob's luscious mane.
Sandy showed up and was stunned by SpongeBob's new mullet. "Where did you get that hair, little square dude?"
SpongeBob turned to his former friend with fiery intensity adourning his optical orifices. "I slay my inner demons!" he roared as he took out his karate gear. He ran up to Larry the Lobster and gave him the Death NoogieTM.
Sandy saw that the noogie had transformed Larry into Gary and she wept for now the Lobster was a Sea Snail.
"This agenda is fierce!" cried SpongeBob as he did a motorcycle trick that wowed Patrick's eyebrows (he was there too).
"SpongeBob! Why is your truth running rampant?" asked Sandy with so many decent emotions.
"Life has expelled too many an evil upon our glorious land…" SpongeBob rasped as he took out his bandana and wrapped it into place. "And buns have shown me the way." SpongeBob then gained the ability to breath air and then he flew to shore.
He knocked down the door to the secret house on the beach. On the golden throne by the koi pond sat Kevin the Sea Cucumber, a very hunky jellyfish enthusiast.
"Where's the bingo board, knave?" growled SpongeBob as he did Rambo moves on all of Kevin's guards.
Kevin chuckled. "You mean, the Chaos Emeralds."
SpongeBob gasped and wept and did other dramatic things because that's what happens most of the time in my fanfics. He also caught a nose in midair and used it to destroy matter.
Kevin did a flip with two burritos in hand. Then he shoved the burritos into the oven. "You're too late, SquarePants!"
SpongeBob cried again and then lifted a potato into the heavens via the balcony.
Kevin gasped at the sight and exploded due to SpongeBob's sassy badboy charisma.
SpongeBob took the chunks of dead green cucumber and stuck it all underneath his toenails.
Life was good, just like a mustache drawing that flies away.
FIN