Awakenings
AN: So this is my companion piece to Nightmares. As you can imagine, this one is about Tony. I hope you enjoy. Don't worry, I haven't given up on In the Eyes of Others, just a little creative break Had to get this out of my head. As always, reviews are awesome and much appreciated including any criticism. Hope I did Tony justice in this. Enjoy!
P.S. Unfortunately I don't own the character of Tony Stark, just borrowing for a while…..
He awoke with a start. Blinking he brings the room into focus. Oh yes, the plane. On the way home he thinks. A trip that he never thought he would be making.
His heart is still racing. The remnants of the unpleasant dream he'd just been immersed in. He's not sure that he will ever truly sleep again. Since being found, three days ago, his sleep pattern has been a staccato mess of snoozing and waking, of terror and relief. When he closes his eyes the dampness returns, the musty odors of the cave fills his nostrils. He is afraid to sleep. The nightmares are so real he fears when he wakes his rescue will have been the impossible dream.
He had done what needed to be done to escape. He had killed. It was not something that he had reveled in when he had put his plan into motion, knowing full well it would be a part of the likely outcome. They were bad, terrible, people that hurt others, that is the excuse he used to try and reason away the guilt. It never really worked. He knew it would be a cross he would bear always, though he wouldn't have changed anything in his plan to prevent it.
He also knew that wasn't quite true. He would have changed one thing. He would have done whatever necessary to make sure that Yinsen had lived. He heart wrenchingly grieved the loss of his friend. They had shared a horrible experience and been within yards of escaping together. But it wasn't meant to be. Yinsen had sacrificed himself to ensure that Tony had lived. How did one live with something like that? Another human had given their own life to make sure that he, Tony Stark, would make it out alive.
He knew that he could never go back to the life he had once led. What he had once thought was exciting and fun packed now seemed frivolous and empty. His life to this point had been a shell of an existence. He was a genius that used his gift to create war, to injure.
His life as he knew it was now at an end. He would no longer use his gifts or wealth to create weapons for destruction. He would now devote his ample resources to help others, to track down and destroy any of his weapons that were being used by terrorist groups.
He would rebuild the suit, the beginnings of modifications already formulating themselves in his brain. It would be sleeker, more powerful, and capable of sustained flight. After building a miniaturized arc reactor in a cave from scraps, he was pretty sure he could build anything.
Things would certainly be different now. If only Pepper could be privy to his inner thoughts, she would be so proud. Pepper. She had always believed in him, had stayed with him through his worst, the parties, the drinking, and the women. She truly did amaze him. Pepper had an incredible capacity for tolerance and forgiveness. She had made a career of cleaning up his messes and keeping him from becoming a complete degenerate.
The shame he felt in that moment was overwhelming. He had treated her so poorly, never purposely of course, but he hadn't been able to see past the end of his nose and his own self-centered nature to what she did for him, what she was to him. She was his friend above all else. Probably the only true friend he had. She could see past his many faults and shortcomings to who he really was. Surely that meant there was something good within him, some redeeming quality that she had deemed worthy to spend the last ten years of her life, practically a slave to his every whim.
Thinking back, he had made it impossible for her to have any kind of life. He didn't think she dated as he couldn't recall a time she ever spoke of a boyfriend or dates. There had been many discussions about family and friends, but never that special someone. How could there have been, based on his previous schedule. She worked around the clock and on those rare occasions where she wasn't working at Stark or cleaning up after him, they would watch old movies together. It was their secret. If anyone knew Tony Stark sometimes sat at home on Friday nights watching movies with his PA, he would never hear the end of it. But he cherished those times, just the two of them. He didn't have to be "on" or trying to entertain the world.
The truth was he liked the arrangement. He liked being the only man in her life. Somewhere along the way she had snuck her way into his heart. He wasn't even sure when it happened or if he hadn't been kidnapped if he would have even known it. He had been so flippant about love and relationships in the past. If he was totally truthful with himself, he would admit that he cared for her, cared for her deeply. He didn't know if it was love, as he wasn't sure he could recognize the emotion if it hit him upside the head. Was he even capable of the emotion?
What he did know was that thoughts of her had helped to keep him alive for those three miserable months. The thoughts of her warmth and smile sustained him. The way she would say his name, the way they would flirtatiously spar with one another, he replayed it all in his head multiple times a day. Sometimes he could almost imagine the smell of her perfume. The one he had given her, the one he had spontaneously picked out in a rare sober moment when he had just thought Pepper would like it because to him it smelled like her.
He knew he wasn't good enough for her, might never be good enough for her. Most women would throw themselves at him just for the chance to be with Tony Stark, maybe get their photo in a tabloid. Shamefully he had taken full advantage of that, moving blindly from one woman to the next, not caring who they really were. But Pepper was different. She had stuck with him through the good and the bad. And let's face it; there had been plenty of bad. He cringed now to think of how many messes and women she had taken care of for him. It shouldn't have been her job. He had no idea why she had stayed with him so long.
But what he was now realizing was that he always came home to one person. To Pepper. She was his anchor. From the moment she started working for him, it she was there to be is assistant and nothing more, the ever consummate professional. He had slept with every other PA he had ever had, which is why they never lasted more than a few months, but Pepper had been different, there was no way she was going to be climbing into his bed. And lord knows he had tried, but then it had morphed into a game, how could he fluster Pepper today? What outrageous flirty comment could he make to see that blush. He loved that blush. It reminded him how truly good and wholesome a person she was. Something he wished he could have been.
He could never be the perfect man, his past assured that point. But he was going to try now. He needed to be a better person. After all that he had lived through, he now realized that his life needed to be about more than parties and women. He needed to help people, do what he could to make the world a better place. A tall order to be sure. Most people would laugh at the thought of Tony Stark taking on any kind of serious mission in life. But he was going to do it. For himself. For her.