Meet the Parents and the Townies
A/N: This was triggered by a proposed fanfic challenge from Charlie H-B over on Facebook, Stars Hollow Fanfiction. Unfortunately the story was nearly done before I got a chance to read all of the requirements, so even though it breaks a lot of the rules, I hope you enjoy it.
"Mom!" growled Lorelai.
"Lorelai, I'm shocked that you don't appreciate what I did for you. I saved you from taking your life down a completely disastrous path!"
"Please hear me. If I want your input in my life in any way, shape or form, I will ask for it. Until then, do us all a favor and SHUT UP!" shouted Lorelai.
"Well, I gotta say, suddenly a big fan of the speed dial," said Luke quietly.
After Emily stormed out the door, Luke squeezed Lorelai's hand and left her alone for a minute. There was nothing in the back to do, since the diner was in the middle of a lull, everything was clean and ready for the next rush, and he had nothing to do but fix the toaster again.
Returning to the counter, he silently poured a coffee and set it in front of her. She looked at him with the same determined demeanor that she showed to her mother.
"I'm really done, this time," she said with conviction.
"I can get behind that," he agreed, still reeling from the insults Emily had thrown at him.
Sipping the still hot coffee, she continued. "It's not really the insults. I know you can deal with them. It's her absolute conviction that she did nothing wrong. Nothing wrong, Luke! How could she forget all that scheming and plotting?" She reached for his hands which had been tossing the screwdriver back and forth as he listened to her.
"Yeah," he agreed. Squeezing his eyes shut as he remembered his past, he added, "There were times when I just couldn't be there for Liz. She would visit, and suddenly money would be gone out of the till. I had a decent stereo which disappeared. There was more." He swallowed hard. "She never admitted to anything, not even when she got sober."
"Luke. How did you two work it out?"
He came around to her side of the counter and wrapped his arms around her waist from behind. "She got sober, even though the 12 step plan didn't work for her, she still came to apologize. Slowly I was able to trust her enough to let her back into my life."
"Well, I'm not going to have to worry about that with Emily, because it's really over."
"How about we play it by ear instead?" he suggested.
"Hah! Emily? The one thing she's been consistent about is hating our relationship. Not gonna happen buddy." She turned in his arms and played with the curls peeking out from his cap.
"Promise me one thing," he requested, kissing her several times. "If she tries to make amends, you'll listen? It made all the difference in the world between Liz and me."
"Promise," she said, nestling in his arms.
"Kirk, honey, we need your cooperation here," wheedled Lorelai.
"No we don't," grumbled Luke. "Kirk, just go home. Or to Lulu's. Or anywhere that you don't bother us."
Lorelai squinted her eyes at Luke, trying to remind him of the last time he'd let Kirk make decisions for himself. Neither telepathy nor the girlfriend stare worked, because Luke kept on.
"You can't stay in that putz' RV forever. Sooner or later some sucker is going to buy it."
Lorelai ignored Luke, continuing, "Honey, it's time you moved into your own place. Strike out on your own. Be independent. Build a little love nest for you and your honeybee."
"Aw, geez." At that statement, uncomfortably remembering when she'd used nearly the same words on him, Luke moved off to pour coffee for his paying, non-burdensome customers before his mind had to face the notion that Lorelai was talking to Kirk almost in the same way she'd talked to him.
"I could buy the RV," mused Kirk. "That might be just the thing. Luke, can I ..."
"No!" he barked from across the room.
"... park it in front of the diner?"
"Kirk, you know Taylor would never allow that." Lorelai patted his hand.
He stared at her for a long, unsettling minute before he agreed. "Ah, yes, it would block the view of the ice cream store."
"Shop-pe," mumbled Luke as he cleared a table.
"What about your place, Lorelai?" Kirk asked. Lorelai could hear Luke's snicker-scoff from across the room.
"Honey, we need to get you into a place that's a little less mobile," she said calmly. "Anyway, Michel wants almost a hundred thousand dollars for it."
Her phone ringing, she stood up when she saw it was Rory calling. Waving her hand madly between Luke and Kirk, she tried to get Luke to take over. He stubbornly shook his head, crossing his arms as she exited the diner. Sighing, Luke moved the dirty dishes to the kitchen before going to Kirk's table.
"Hi, Mom," greeted Rory in response to Lorelai's "What's up, buttercup?"
"I need my blue dress."
"That narrows it down to about twenty dresses."
"You know, the nice one."
"As opposed to the nineteen other dresses which are not nice?"
"Mom, they're all nice. I need the one made out of silk georgette; it's got that Roman toga thing going on a little?"
"Wow, must be a big occasion. What's up?"
Rory beamed with pride as she pulled up outside the diner near where Lorelai stood. After a shocked gasp, she got into the Prius and they drove toward the Crap Shack, missing a desperate Luke who had plastered himself to the diner window, beginning to rethink his no cell phone policy.
"C'mon, spill. Who's the hot date?"
"It's not just a date. My boyfriend is taking me to meet his parents tonight."
Lorelai rattled her head. "Wait, what? You were just casual dating girl. What happened?"
"Yeah, that didn't work out so well for me, so I let Logan go."
"And you met someone who wants to introduce you to his parents? Better check out his stalker score. "
"It's Logan."
"Ah." Lorelai bowed her head and twisted her fingers together.
"You could be a touch more supportive, Mother," cautioned Rory. "I let him go, and he came back, just like in the cheesy poem."
"Mm-hm," said Lorelai.
"This is what I want. I care about him."
Lorelai walked ahead of Rory to her room and buried herself in the closet, pulling out blue dresses. "Blue satin, blue cotton, denim, ah, here we go! A delicately layered toga-ish dress. Just right for a sacrifice to the gods of wealth."
"Logan's money bothers you?" Rory held the dress in front of her, preening in the mirror.
"No!" she exclaimed. "I'm shocked you would think that."
"Uh-huh, yeah," said Rory as she packed the dress into a garment bag. Digging around the floor of the closet, she found the shoes she wanted, and made ready to go.
"Wait! Don't you want to go to Luke's for coffee? He's got boysenberry pie, your favorite."
"No, that's your favorite, and I don't have time. Give Luke a kiss and a hug for me."
Rory hung the garment bag in the car and turned to her mother. "Do you want a ride back to Luke's?"
"Yes," she pouted as she got in the car. "I need some Rory time, too."
At the diner, Lorelai refused to get out of the car. "I want to meet him. He's your first boyfriend since ugh Jess, and I want to meet him."
"So basically you hated all my boyfriends except Dean 1.0? By the way, you forgot Dean 2.0."
"Denial is not the same as forgetting. I wish it were that easy," grumbled her mother.
Rory's shoulders sagged in defeat. "Is the Salute to Vegetables festival still on for tomorrow?"
Lorelai grinned. "Hee-hee, I've got a cucumber and two limes for my vegetable sculpture entry."
"How about if we come to the festival? Lunch with Luke at Luke's, then we run him through the gauntlet of townies."
Her mother nodded excitedly. "And if he doesn't survive, we'll start looking for a new boyfriend, right?"
"He'll survive," said Rory. "He's a keeper. Kinda like Luke."
"Hah! Luke will throw him out of the diner before he's halfway through one of his smarmy sentences. If Luke throws him out, will you break up with him?"
"Out of my car. And no." Lorelai stamped her foot petulantly, giving a little screech as Luke came out of the diner and dragged Lorelai inside, waving at Rory as she drove off.
"He-man Luke! I love him! How did you get him out of the bedroom?" she giggled.
"Kirk has a quarter of a million dollars!" he hissed. "Why did you leave me alone with him?"
"Whoa. I really shouldn't have turned him down for a date. And it's your no cell phones rule, buddy."
Luke's jaw hit the ground. "I've got money," he said defensively.
"Yeah, but not a quarter of a million," joked Lorelai, her eyes squinching up as she assessed just how seriously Luke was taking this.
He scoffed. "That's only because your voice was on constant repeat inside my head telling me to buy a building." She was still squinching, so he squinched back, hands on hips. "Anyway, I'm also a smart investor. I'm invested in a local inn as well as my diner," he added proudly.
She smiled. "Huh, I guess you'll do after all. Kiss?"
"It's all part of the service," he said, gathering her in his arms and kissing her sweetly.
They broke gently apart just as Taylor was walking into the diner, flyers in hand. "Watch the PDA, you two," he said. "I'd hate to have to issue new ordinances."
Lorelai giggled. "You'd so love to issue a new ordinance against kissing, Taylor. Then you'd get to fine us every day." She looked at the papers in his hands. "What's that?"
"Flyers for the festival tomorrow. They came off the printers a little late."
"Here, Taylor, I'll take care of those," offered Luke. Taylor cracked a half-smile and handed the flyers to the diner owner.
"Lorelai," said Taylor, "I'm very impressed by how much you've improved Luke. One of these days you'll even get him to help with a festival."
Lorelai watched with big eyes as Luke went behind the counter and tossed the flyers into the trash, nodding and winking at Lorelai as he went into the kitchen.
She moved to distract the Selectman. "So, Taylor, did you know Kirk has a quarter of a million dollars?"
"No, he doesn't," said Taylor. "It's only $249,765. He shouldn't have bought that boom box."
"Oh-kay. You also know, then, that Kirk needs a place to live. Do you know of any properties for sale?"
Taylor scratched his beard, first trying to recall which of the properties he'd purchased might be suitable for him. "Well, Luke has been hounding me to put the Twickham house on the market, now that the Diorama is closed. That might be a good property."
"Luke! Front and center!" yelled Lorelai.
Kirk perked up at the thought of the Twickham house. "Taylor, could you arrange a viewing? I'm might be willing to tender an offer," he said in a most businesslike tone.
"Kirk you've been in the Diorama every day since it opened. You helped convert it. Are you interested or not? Because Luke seems to be very committed to buying it." Taylor rubbed his hands together, looking forward to the bidding war and his potential commission, since he'd written a seller-finder-bonus into the contract with Old Man Twickham.
"Luke Danes, get your sweet ass out here right now!" demanded his girlfriend.
Luke slowly slunk out of the kitchen, having heard pretty much everything that was discussed.
She grabbed him by the flannel and dragged him close. "Were you going to buy a house without discussing this with me?"
"No! Yes! I wasn't! I wouldn't!" His head sagged. "Yeah. I wanted to surprise you."
"Congratulations, you certainly did surprise me."
He opened his hands pleadingly. "I thought you'd like it, you know, a house for us, if you wanted it, you know, in case we decide that we want to live together and need more room someday. Or I could use it as another investment."
"Yeah? What would we need more room for?" The smile spreading across her face was reflected in her eyes as the meaning behind his action started to sink in.
"Well, you know, a kitchen big enough to cook for a larger group, and maybe a little workshop for me, and a sewing room for you, and then we could maybe get some more furniture, or some plants, or some other kinds of sprouts someday." He grinned sheepishly.
"Other kinds of sprouts? Like bean sprouts?" Her grin began to mirror his.
"Beans, maybe," he agreed, running his hands up and down her arms. Her silence grew and he suddenly found the floor very interesting.
"Human beans, perhaps?" she whispered. "An investment in human beings." She nodded, liking this scenario very much.
His head shot up as he locked eyes with her. "Yeah, if you want, maybe. One. Or two. Maybe you could do that twins thing for me, like you mentioned a couple of years ago."
She laughed, then turned her head to the door, where Taylor and Kirk were still discussing the Twickham house. "Taylor, Luke and I are going to need to see that house as well. Don't go signing any contracts until I've had a look-see."
"A pleasure to do business with you, Miss Gilmore," said Mr. Doose kindly. He began counting his bonus while Kirk immediately began plotting his strategy to cut them out. Their plots, however, we lost on the couple, who immediately began trying to violate the current PDA ordinances on the books.
"Rory, this is your grandmother."
"Hi, Grandma. Did you forget something last night?" Rory had flipped on the hands-free phone connection in her Prius as she drove back to Yale.
"No, no, this is brand new. You're going to meet the Huntzbergers tonight."
Rory rolled her eyes. "Yes, Grandma, I'm aware of this." She no longer bothered to ask how Emily discovered these things.
"I want to meet him."
"Who, Logan? You know him, Grandma, you know his parents. You've been friends for years."
"This is different. You're boyfriend and girlfriend now. He has to meet the family."
"He has met you." She cursed under her breath as she missed her turn. In the process of executing a U-turn under the watchful eye of a police officer in a car at the side of the road, she carelessly continued. "He hasn't met Mom, and that we're doing tomorrow. We're having lunch with Luke and Mom and going to the festival."
The police car pulled out of his spot and began following her at a short distance.
"Rory, you can't be serious! A Huntzberger and that filthy diner owner? It's unheard of! You have to cancel that immediately. Bring him to the club instead. We'll treat him as he should be treated. That lout doesn't even know enough to dress properly."
"Grandma!" shouted Rory as she tried to balance driving safely with watching the cop car. Half of her grandmother's words had yet to sink in fully, but she knew Emily hated Luke.
"What!" demanded Emily.
"You will not insult Mom, nor Luke, and you are not inviting Logan anywhere, at least not until you apologize to Mom and Luke. Logan's going to meet my parents, or at least my mother and the guy I hope will one day be my stepfather." She looked in the rearview mirror as the lights began to flash. "Dammit!" she exclaimed.
"Rory! You will not talk to me in that way. I have a right to meet whomever I choose, and I want to meet your boyfriend."
Rory sighed, pulling off to the side of the road. "Grandma, no. I had a right to meet the rest of my family, but you never introduced me to anyone, not even Trix, and when that happened it was only because she demanded it. You cannot put me in a Rory box and take me out to parade in front of your society friends. I have to go. I'll see you next Friday. Alone. Just me. Not Mom, not Luke, not Logan. I'm just following your example. Goodbye."
She pressed the End Call button on her steering wheel and rolled down the window as the officer approached.
"Sorry about my family, Ace. Last night's dinner was a disaster, but more normal in the Huntzberger household than you might imagine."
"Don't worry about it. You haven't seen Lorelai and Emily together yet. Your family at least pretends to be polite as they slice and dice you."
They drove in silence for a few minutes before Logan reached over and squeezed Rory's shoulder.
"This is nice, Ace," said Logan and he barreled down the highway toward Stars Hollow. "Meet the parents, have the best coffee in the world, see one of the famous Stars Hollow festivals. This girlfriend/boyfriend thing has some really great benefits."
"Uh-huh. Don't get your hopes up too high, except for the coffee. It really is the best. Now, there are a couple of things you need to know. First, Mom and Luke are officially only dating; they're not engaged or anything like that. That doesn't mean he's not going to hate you as much as any dad would."
"But I'm engagingly humorous and quite charming," protest Logan with a smirk.
"Oh yeah, modesty like that definitely won't work with Luke. Better to get on Mom's good side first. He'll eventually come around. Do you know how to break out of a headlock?"
Rory's phone rang, which she answered while she was still patting Logan on the back after he'd nearly swallowed his tongue at the headlock comment.
"Rory, this is your grandmother."
She closed her eyes, praying for patience. "What, Grandma?"
"I want to meet Logan."
"We covered that already. You apologize to Mom and Luke, and we'll talk. Maybe. It depends on if you upset them even more."
"I am not apologizing for anything. I did what I thought was best for your mother, and I'm right. He is completely unsuitable for polite company, stupid as well, and the sooner Lorelai recognizes it the better."
"Then we're done. See you next Friday." Rory unceremoniously hung up the phone.
In Hartford, Emily slammed down the phone and called out to Richard. "Get dressed, Richard. We're going to debase ourselves!"
"I like the look you've got going today, sailor boy. Not quite GQ, not quite Brawny paper towel guy."
Luke was dressed in khaki chinos, with a dark green shirt tucked in. He shrugged. "Well, I knew you were going to dress a little fruity, so I chose stuff that would be a good foil to your outfit."
"Well, you chose good 'stuff,' hon. Am I pretty enough for you?"
He smiled. "Always." He shuffled back and forth a moment, looking at Lorelai, then looking away, then trying to clean or otherwise do something in the diner to keep busy. "When are they getting here again?" he asked.
"Calm down, Luke, this is no big deal," she said, her constant foot swinging and finger drumming belying her own nervousness.
He topped off her coffee yet again, pouring only a little into the cup as it became dangerously full. "Yeah, I know." He leaned his elbows on the counter. "Hey."
She smirked at him before responding in kind. "Hey there yourself."
He scratched his head, capless in honor of the meet the boyfriend ritual. "I don't like surprises."
"Not true. You like giving surprises, you don't like being surprised. That's different."
"OK, I don't like being surprised AND I don't like screwing up surprises for others." He looked at her as if she could already understand what he meant.
He continued, carefully choosing his words. "What I mean is, if I want to give you a surprise, but I want to make sure I'm not negatively surprised back, that kinda means I gotta know if you'll like the surprise that I want to give you and that you're not gonna, like, throw it back in my face or say no or say it's too soon or it's too late or something like that."
"This is not about Rory and Logan?"
His eyes widened in surprise at having been so ambiguous. "No! Not them. More us."
"More words, please," she said confusedly.
He drew a deep breath. "OK, the Twickham house. Or not, if we decide it's not for us. You know, with the plants, or the furniture. I want to have the right timing, you know?"
"The right timing for a plant? Like a cactus cares when it's bought?"
"No! Not a cactus!" he said in a prickly manner. He slapped himself on the top of his head a couple of times before he tried again.
"It's like this," he said. "If we decide for the bean thing, then I kinda want us to be in a different state before we go about planting beans. Do you see what I mean?"
"Like you want to be in Wisconsin before we plant beans?"
Luke's head landed on the counter top, where he pounded it a few times. When he looked up, he saw Lorelai beaming at him, her eyes shining.
"You understand what I'm talking about, don't you?" he sighed.
She nodded ecstatically, a laugh involuntarily bubbling from her mouth. "You want to know when I'm ready to mar- uh, invest in beans, human or otherwise, so you can plan your propo- uh, suggestions for which state we should be in when we plant those beans. Am I right?"
The huge breath Luke exhaled spoke volumes. "Yeah. And give me plenty of time, OK? Some things can take a while."
Finally giving up on trying to make work for himself, Luke poured a glass of iced tea and went around front to sit with Lorelai.
"That's some crazy ice cream store," commented Logan as he pulled in front of the diner.
"Taylor is a bit of a megalomaniac, but the chocolate chocolate chocolate flavor is really chocolate chocolate chocolately." Spying Lane across the square, she said, "You go ahead and go into the diner. I'll be along after I say hi to Lane."
"You're not going to make me go in there alone, are you? Do you remember the last time they saw me? There was yelling."
"Don't be a fraidy-cat. Mom will make sure you don't die until I have a chance to talk Luke down off the ledge."
Luke sat on a stool at the counter facing the door, while Lorelai faced the wall and sipped on her coffee. "I think that's him now," muttered Luke. "Can't tell because he's got all of his clothes on."
Lorelai turned her head, noticing that Rory stood halfway across the square talking to Lane. She giggled. "Luke, be kind. Now turn around, face the wall and let's see if he can figure out who we are."
Luke harrumphed as he turned around. "Look who's being mean now."
"Not mean, just going to have a little fun."
Remembering the unpleasantness both last night and the night of the vow renewal, Logan nearly jumped at the sound of the bells. He scanned the busy diner, but no one looked up to see who had come in.
Luke and Lorelai didn't have to wait long before Logan was accosted by Taylor with questions about his parking and what he was doing in town.
"Rory Gilmore has gotten very wild since she left Stars Hollow," complained Taylor. "She used to be an upstanding citizen, but now she hardly has time for the little people she left behind. You be careful and don't let her corrupt you." Kirk had joined them, but had spent the whole time staring at Logan, saying nothing. He silently followed Taylor out the door while Logan stood there, gaping.
"Showtime," she whispered as Lorelai nudged Luke. Louder, she continued. "Luke, honey, you have got to let this go! Star Wars was released in 1977, and no one cares any more if Han Solo was talking about a parsec as a unit of time or distance!"
She triggered one of her favorite Luke rants on purpose to push Logan deeper into that special world that is Stars Hollow. They stood up from the counter to move to a table Luke had reserved for them near the window.
Luke began without hesitation. "The original film has the facts, and the facts are that Han Solo treated a parsec as a unit of time, not distance. Everyone in the theaters laughed about it…"
"Every geek in the audience," chuckled Lorelai. Luke arched an eyebrow but didn't even take a breath.
"… but suddenly years later Lucas comes around and starts claiming…"
A grinning Logan interrupted Luke. "… that Han Solo was bragging and lying the whole time."
"Logan!" exclaimed Lorelai. "You're here already."
Luke simply picked up where Logan left off. "But then Lucas invented the whole story around the Kessel run that would make Han Solo actually telling the truth and that it was distance."
Logan smirked his agreement. "I know, crazy, isn't it? They even have a name for making up facts after the event. Retro continuity. Nothing but an excuse for laziness in writing, if you ask me."
Luke was very impressed by Logan's ability to debate the topic, especially since he agreed with him. Lorelai, on the other hand, had hoped more for Logan to stumble when he encountered Luke again. A friendly round of greetings and handshakes before they sat and the men continued their discussion about various topics, both science fiction and fact, while Lorelai tapped her finger on the table.
She jumped up when Lane and Rory came in the door, Lane ready to start her shift. She stalked over to them, hissing, "I didn't need to say a single word! They've been talking non-stop since Logan and Luke sat down." She threw her arms up in frustration.
Lunch went off without a hitch. Logan was appropriately obsequious and friendly as the bromance between Logan and Luke developed. The coffee was praised only slightly more than it deserved. Lane took special care serving her boss and his family while Rory assumed the role of Stars Hollow Princess with her aspiring consort.
The gap between Rory and Lane expanded as Rory told story after story of the adventures she'd had with Logan and the fun things they'd done made possible only by his money.
Lorelai pouted occasionally but generally held her tongue as she watched her daughter shift smoothly between Hartford society and Stars Hollow homey-ness. Rory's petulance at being insulted by the Huntzbergers faded as she basked in the adoration of her neighbors.
Luke managed to limit his criticism of the girls' eating habits to a comment or two, but thoroughly enjoyed seeing Logan's astonishment at the amount of high calorie high, fat food they put away.
"Richard, can you see them? Can you see Rory?" demanded Emily with Olympic-level petulance as she and her husband began to circle the Salute to Vegetables festival grounds. Their first annoyance had been Kirk pestering them to buy raffle tickets, which they bought quickly, hoping he'd leave them alone.
"I can't see anything, Emily," he complained. "Some fool has set up corn stalks and vines of all kinds around the whole square."
"What is that man doing?" she asked, pointing to a guitar player standing on a street corner.
"I believe he's a street musician, playing for pennies. Let me see what change I've got," he said to himself.
"Nonsense, Richard, you'll only encourage leeches like him. Don't give him a cent. He'll learn to get a real job if you don't baby him."
They continued around the busy festival, not recognizing anyone. Richard, distracted by a display of Jackson's antique farm tools, ignored Emily until she released a blood-curdling scream.
"Oh my God, Richard! She's done it again!"
"What is it, Emily," he asked in a crotchety tone.
"Lorelai! She's bent on embarrassing all of us! Look at that, that … monstrosity!"
Lorelai's cucumber and lime penis vegetable sculpture had a place of honor in the display. It was tagged with a red ribbon, having been beaten only by Kirk's "Fantasia of Carrots."
They decided to move faster in the circle, hoping to eventually see Rory and Logan and make sure they were properly introduced to their granddaughter's boyfriend. Her rich, upper-class boyfriend with influential parents who were several classes above the Hartford Gilmores.
Just as they had when Christopher visited Stars Hollow for the first time, the townies were out in full force making sure that Logan would be a worthy partner for their precious girl.
"Kirk! Get out of our way!" said Luke as the four of them stood at the edge of the town square.
"Luke, I can't let you pass. You never go to festivals. I think you're only here to cause trouble," said Kirk in a patient voice.
"Kirk," he said in a low, patient tone, "I go to town meetings all the time and even some of these stupid festivals."
"Yes, he does Kirk," offered Rory, her head bobbing up and down like a Bobblehead doll. "Ever since he and Mom got together, he's been to a lot of festivals."
"Yay for me!" cheered Lorelai, pumping her fist in the air.
"Yippee," added Luke weakly, as he realized he'd pretty much just given permission to Lorelai to drag him anywhere she damn well pleased from now on, which really wasn't much different from before they were together, except now he got the mushiness and the love and the sex as a reward, which actually made the festivals worth it.
Kirk the gatekeeper remained in place, arms akimbo. "We also have raffle tickets."
Everyone sighed, pulled out their wallets and paid the bribe to the gatekeeper. As they wrote their names on their tickets, Logan asked, "What's being raffled?"
"That's the best part," said Kirk. "We're raffling off the vegetable sculptures."
"Cool," said Logan, "Can't wait."
They had barely turned the first corner and enjoyed watching Gypsy and Babette squishing tomatoes with their feet when Jackson practically plowed into them as he stalked through the displays, his face red with anger.
"Did you see this!" he demanded of no one in particular as he waved a green and purple leafy vegetable in Logan's face.
"Whatcha got there, Jackson," asked Lorelai.
"Rabbage!" he half-shouted.
"Rabbage?"
"Rabbage!"
"OK, I give. What's rabbage?" asked Logan, who had experienced it close enough to smell the vaguely cabbage-like object.
"Only all of my hopes and dreams for the future," he moaned. Sookie came bustling up behind him and grabbed him by the elbow.
"Jackson, honey, it's not the end of the world," consoled Sookie. "There will be other hybrids." She looked at Lorelai and the others, then stage-whispered, "He spent months crossing radishes with cabbage, but someone else beat him to it."
"Aw, Jackson, that sucks," said Lorelai kindly.
"Rory, is this your guy?" asked Sookie, dimples flashing.
She nodded shyly. "Yeah, this is Logan."
Before Sookie could tell him how sweet they looked together, Jackson inspected Logan. "You're short. You're short and blond. Not at all what I expected," he said bluntly.
"Well, my feet reach the ground …" began Logan.
"I expected him to be taller. Dean was taller, wasn't he, Sook?"
"Dean?" asked Logan. "I met Dean. Nice guy," he schmoozed. Rory looked at him in disbelief, since the only time Logan had met Dean was the night Dean broke up with her.
"Honey, the boyfriends don't all have to be alike. Your peaches, now they all have to be alike. Your zucchini blossoms too." She turned to Logan and Rory. "Are you two going to be able to come to the Dragonfly tonight for dinner? I can whip you up something special."
Rory quickly thanked her and begged off for another time. With the rate of people accosting Logan, she wasn't sure how much more he could handle. Sookie dragged Jackson away, stuffing the rabbage in her bag so he wouldn't feel so bad any more.
Lorelai patted Logan on the shoulder sympathetically. "First Taylor, then Kirk, then Kirk again, now Jackson. You're having a big day," she said.
He smiled. "It's not so bad, and if it gives me a chance to win a vegetable sculpture, all the better."
"Oh!" cried Lorelai. "Let's go see if I won a prize!" She looked off to her left. "Also, I see Miss Patty bearing down on us. Logan needs a break before he encounters her, I think. Also the food stands are there, and I'm getting hungry. A deep-fried Snickers bar would be perfect about now. And cotton candy."
They sped off in the direction of the sculptures, Rory and Lorelai listing all the foods they intended to eat.
Emily waved her hand excitedly when she recognized the diner. "There it is! That rathole! Maybe they're there."
"Excuse me, may I help you?"
"Well finally, someone with a sense of customer service," bitched Emily. She turned around and saw Taylor Doose standing there, sweater vest, beard and raised eyebrow included.
"I do pride myself on customer service," he said kindly. "It's the hallmark of my corporation, Doose Enterprises."
"Well, nice to meet another businessman in this rather rustic locale," said Richard.
Emily interrupted before they began one of those interminable businessman pissing contests, in which they traded company size, revenue and other idiotic statistics until one gave in and actually complimented the other. "Do you know the owner of this grubby place?" she asked, pointing to the diner.
"Ah, Luke's Diner. Oddly popular in spite of the owner's unwillingness to participate in town events and keep his business up according to the accepted standards around here. Honestly, I wonder sometimes how he stays in business."
Emily smirked. "Who's in charge around here? Surely someone can find some law that's been broken and shut it down."
"Taylor Doose, Town Selectman at your service, madame." He bowed slightly, which was tolerated by Emily. "Mr. Danes does manage to barely stay on the right side of the law when it comes to health codes. Now if it were only possible to legislate good taste and create a set of business codes that would make this place shine, I would be a very happy man."
Emily nodded. "First thing I'd do is tear it down and put up a French bistro, with a dress code for the waiters. None of this unkempt, unshaven flannel wearing."
"Agreed," said Taylor. "I've often tried to convince him to make such improvements, such as a French Country color scheme. I've even set the standard with my ice cream shoppe right next door, and put a window in between the two businesses so he can be inspired and motivated to better himself."
Emily harrumphed. "Better himself. He's already got that covered, the gold-digger. Trying to latch himself onto our daughter."
"Ah! You're Lorelai Gilmore's parents? Nice to meet you." He leaned confidentially over to her. "I think we're on the same page when it comes to their co-mingling. Having a prominent inn owner and the busiest restaurateur together is a sure sign of trouble for Stars Hollow."
"Hmm, we may have to discuss this again some other time. I have some ideas," agreed Emily. "Do you know perhaps where my daughter and granddaughter might be?"
"I believe they were headed to the vegetable sculptures, Mrs. Gilmore."
Lorelai handed over the money to the seed and garden supply vendor. As she picked up the tiny hedgehog that was going to live next to the turtle on her porch, she noticed a display of seeds. Remembering the discussion with Luke about marriage and babies, she realized how she wanted to tell him she was ready to take the next step.
"Do you have any bean seeds?" she asked.
"I sure do, my dear," the vendor replied. As she pointed to the various sorts, she recited the list. "Green, lima, bush, tricolor, soy, black-eyed peas, Blue Lake, snap, …"
"Black Eyed Peas? Like the music group?" She grinned. "I'll take a pack of those." As she pulled out her wallet again, she looked over to the other three, who were standing a short distance away. Babette had accosted them in order to meet Logan, and Lorelai chuckled as Babette compared her bottle blond tresses to Logan's fashionable haircut. She slipped the bean packet into her purse and joined the others.
"Anybody hungry?" she inquired, and was met with a resounding "No!" from Logan and Luke, but a small grin from Rory.
"I know it might shock Luke," said Rory wickedly, "but we've been here all afternoon and haven't eaten a single vegetable."
"I beg your pardon," declared Lorelai. "I ate French fries at lunch time!"
"How about a nice cup of vegetables with Ranch dressing?" suggested Logan, earning a distinct nod of agreement from Luke.
"Hmm, I suppose it might tide us over until we can decide whether to have ice cream or slushies," said Lorelai.
As they walked toward the food booth, Lorelai noticed that they were passing by the street that the Twickham house was on. "Hey, Luke, I think we ought to take Rory over and show her the house."
"Really? That'd be good. Get her opinion on it." He rubbed his hand over his hair, slightly nervous at Rory's reaction.
A cup of veggie sticks apiece, and dressing for Lorelai and Rory, gave them the fortitude they needed to approach the intimidating house.
"Whoa," said Rory. "That's almost as big as Grandma's house."
Logan slipped his arm in-between Lorelai and Rory to dip his sweet pepper stick into the dressing. "It's impressive. Nice place," he said.
Luke paced back and forth before offering to show them around. Using the key code given to him by Taylor, he quickly opened the lock box and the door.
Nervous about Rory's reaction, he began regurgitating factoids Taylor had invented about the house, earning the occasional chuckle from Logan and a big-eyed look from Rory as she let the house and his words sink in.
"Hole!" exclaimed Lorelai, arching her eyebrow at Luke.
"Hole?" asked Rory.
"Hole," repeated Logan.
"Aw geez, will you guys cut it out? I'm nervous enough as it is."
Rory went over to Luke and tucked her hand in his elbow, which he bent automatically as she touched it. "Mom has told me about the house. Whatever you guys decide is fine with me. There's plenty of room for my stuff and my books, and Mom has already chosen a room for my bedroom."
"Seriously?" he marveled, looking at Lorelai, who was carefully facing away from him as she chatted quietly with Logan. A small smile spread across her face told him she knew exactly what they'd been discussing.
Luke and Rory wandered about the building for a while, Luke telling her about the history, minus the Doose Idiocy, and how the house had influenced his life.
"It wasn't too long after my mother died, and, according to Mia, I was impossible." He ducked his head. "I guess she was right. I hated everybody at the time. Yelled at my dad, couldn't stand Liz at all. That was when I started running."
He guided her to the back deck, off the kitchen. "See that stream there? I could run from my house all the way to school and back. It wasn't quite so overgrown as it is now," he waved with his arm, "and I could see in the back yard. Old Man Twickham, who wasn't so old back then, I guess, but he seemed plenty old to me when I was ten, well, he would just sit there, all alone."
"One day I sneaked into his backyard, because one of the guys had overthrown my best baseball and it ended up here" pointing to the bushes at the edge of the deck, "and I really wanted that ball back. Hit my first home run with that ball."
Rory looked at him sympathetically. "You got caught."
"Oh yeah. He gave me one of those looks like old people do, but then it got crazy."
"You Bill Danes' boy?"
"Yeah," said young Luke nervously.
"C'mere," he said, and he put down his beer and went into the kitchen. Luke followed obediently.
"You see that there? That piece of the counter that's broken?"
"Yeah."
"Can you fix that?"
Luke looked at the underside of the counter. There was a bracing piece of wood that was broken.
"Well, boy Danes, speak up. Can you fix it or not?"
"Yeah."
"Well, c'mon then." He took Luke to the basement, where he kept his tools. "Take what you need."
Luke found the right hammer, some replacement wood, nails and a saw. Upstairs, he set to fixing the counter, carrying the wood outside to trim it to size like his father had taught him. Inside, he used the claw hammer to pull out the old support. Clumsily, because he really hadn't done this very often, he nailed the support into place.
Old Man Twickham looked at the work and said, "OK." He gave the boy a coke and walked with him out on the back deck. Luke sat himself on the top step and popped open the can. Picking up his beer, Twickham said nothing for a while, finished his beer, then spoke.
"Got some more work for you if you come by once in a while," he said.
Luke looked at Rory. "That work became cooking lessons. He taught me a lot of stuff that my mother hadn't yet gotten around to teaching me. I guess I did stuff for him on and off for six months, through the end of the school and that summer. When school started again, it kinda stopped. Never knew why."
He sighed. "I really got to know the house then. All the pictures in his kitchen of his family. Turns out he'd lost his wife about a year before my mom died. The kids were grown and gone off to Michigan and other places. He was as lonely and sad as I was. Dumb, I know, but it really helped."
"C'mon, girl Gilmore, let's look at my handiwork." They went into the kitchen, sat down on the floor and lay back with their heads under the counter that young Luke had repaired.
"Wow." Rory blinked, inspecting the repair.
"I know." Luke reached up to the brace he'd installed. "I was terrible with a hammer then. I'm surprised I didn't hammer a hole in the counter."
She giggled. "Yeah, that's pretty bad." She turned her head to look at him. "I'm a great hammerer. Mom decorated my hammer with pink boa feathers the day I volunteered to work on a house-building project."
He laughed. "I'm sure that helped you hammer better."
"Nah, but it made Mom happy."
"You always make me happy, kid. Whatcha doin'?" Lorelai asked as she sat down on the floor next to the still-prone Luke. She drew figure eights on his stomach as she sat there.
"Hey Ace, taking a nap?" asked Logan, settling himself beside her. She shoved him kindly and he fell backwards cutely as if she'd thrown him across the room.
"What are you looking at?" Lorelai asked. She and Logan lay down next to their partners and stared up at the bottom of the counter.
"Hey Luke." Lorelai drew out her words so he would know a question was coming.
"What." A tinge of exasperation came through.
"Are nails supposed to be bent like that?" She propped her head up on one hand and grinned mischievously at him.
"Grr," was his only response.
A moment later, Rory spoke up. "I think this would be a great place to live, Luke."
He scoffed softly. "Just walls, and a roof and floors, you know." He reached over blindly grasping Lorelai's hand. She squeezed it gently, whispering, "I told you so."
They lay there a few moments more, until Lorelai's stomach growled, she announced it was time for ice cream, and the rest reluctantly allowed themselves to be dragged back to the street.
"Rory! What a surprise!"
"Yeah, right," Rory thought to herself before she turned around at the sound of her grandmother's voice. "Grandma? What are you doing in Stars Hollow? I thought we understood each other."
"Oh piffle," said Emily. "You must have misunderstood something. Your grandfather and I were coming here to look at that delightful woman's antique shop. You know, the one owned by the mother of your Asian friend? Then we saw this delightful festival and couldn't resist taking a look around," she lied.
Emily turned to Logan. "Isn't this a lovely coincidence, Logan? We haven't see each other since my vow renewal, have we? How is your dear mother?"
Lorelai was still inside Doose's Ice Cream Shoppe with Luke when she glanced outside the window to see Emily and Richard standing with Logan and Rory.
"Luke, what is the worst thing that you could imagine possibly happening at this moment?" she asked.
He leaned over to kiss her as he fiddled inside his wallet, sorting the bills. "Uh, dunno, you finally explode from eating too much?"
She snapped her head toward him. "Very funny, Bucko."
He snickered a little before he realized she had an actual concerned look on her face and this wasn't just a bit. "What is it? What's wrong?"
She pointed. Luke's expression solidified into granite as he recalled the last time they'd had contact with Emily. Lorelai telling her mother to shut up was epic. He'd never admired her courage more than at that very moment. Even after their discussion, when the meltdown came in the middle of some fruity movie, Lorelai had spewed her anger, disappointment and frustration over her mother, but she never wavered when it came to being done.
At this moment, he felt Lorelai's entire body tense. He pulled her over to one of the idiotically small white and pink striped tables and made her sit down. Taking her cup of ice cream, he shoveled some onto a spoon and insisted, "Eat."
She glared at him. "I have to go out there."
He nodded curtly. "Fine. Just take a minute to calm yourself down, eat a little ice cream. How the hell do they make blue ice cream anyway? And what's in it? Are those gumballs?"
"Nice try, Luke. You could go into a full-scale rant and I wouldn't notice. I have to go out there."
"One more minute, OK? Just time enough for you to breathe in and out."
"Deal, but you have to spend that minute eating blue ice cream with me."
He looked at her, then at the ice cream. "Watch this," he said, taking a significantly moderate spoonful of blue ice cream and shoving it in his mouth. "See? That's how much I love you." He shook his head. "Blech."
She cracked a smile at that, and held his hand while they ate.
"Ready?" he asked as he threw the cup in the trash.
"Never, but you'll be there, right?"
"You bet."
As they moved outside, they could hear Emily asking Rory and Logan to leave with them. "We need to get upwind from this godawful smell." She looked at the diner and sniffed disdainfully.
Rory's arms were crossed and she pulled them tighter. "There's no smell, Grandma."
"Hey kids," said Lorelai to Logan and Rory, "I heard there's the best coffee in the world inside that diner. We should go have a cup." Seeing Emily's incensed face, Luke grasped Lorelai's elbow and held on, grounding her.
"They were just leaving," said Emily. "We're going to have a drink at the club."
"We are not going to have a drink at the club, Grandma. We're staying here," insisted Rory.
"Well, then, if you must, let's go find a place that doesn't violate any number of health codes."
This time Lorelai returned the favor for Luke, laying her hand on his lower arm to restrain him. "Mom, I think it's time for you to go."
Before Emily could respond, Rory exploded.
"This is it, grandma! This is your family!" She waved her hand at her mother, Luke and Logan. "It includes Logan. It includes Luke."
"Logan's welcome any time," said Emily, pointedly ignoring Luke.
"No, Grandma! If any one of us is not acceptable to you, then you are not part of OUR family." She moved closer to Lorelai and Luke, quietly accompanied by Logan. She pushed her mother toward the diner door, and as she shakily climbed the first step, she turned back to her grandmother.
"It's your choice. I've watched you do this for years to Mom and it has to stop now. Apologize for the way you've treated us, or leave us alone. We aren't going to change to be something we aren't."
Once inside the door, Lorelai guided her to a table and sat her down. Rory was still shaking like a leaf. Luke stood silently at the window, watching to see what Emily would do.
Richard turned his head toward Luke; the two men shared an inscrutable look. Then he put a hand on Emily's shoulder and escorted her away from the diner.
Satisfied that they weren't coming back any time soon, Luke turned to the diner, caught Lane's eye and waved his finger in a circular motion. She nodded, brought mugs and the coffee pot to the table and began preparing pie for them.
They sat for a long time over coffee and pie, discussing anything except the elder Gilmores. Logan brought the girls back into a good mood by telling story after story about Finn, Colin and Robert and their antics both in and out of the Life and Death Brigade.
As the festival wound down, the diner population gradually increased. Kirk suddenly appeared at their table, a box in hand.
"Lorelai, your grandmother is one 'Emily Gilmore,' I presume?" he asked formally.
Luke stood up, ready to toss Kirk out the door. Lorelai cocked her head at him, which caused him to blink, sigh and take his seat again. "What is it, Kirk?"
"An Emily Gilmore has won a prize in the raffle. She didn't leave an address, and I was wondering if Lorelai could take it to her."
Rory sighed. "I'm going to her house next week, Kirk, I can take it. Give it to me."
"What did she win? What did she win?" asked Lorelai excitedly.
They opened the box, peered inside and saw Lorelai's penis sculpture.
"Yes! Yes! Yes!" Lorelai crowed, throwing her fists in the air. "Make sure you take a picture when she opens the box. Better yet, take a video. We'll put it on the internet."
"Sure, Mom, I'll take care of it," said Rory, rolling her eyes.
Not too long after that, Rory and Logan left. Lorelai pulled Rory in for a long hug, whispering, "Really proud of you today kid. I know it was hard."
"Not as hard as you might think, Mom," she replied with her own rib-cracking hug.
As Rory and Logan walked to the car, Logan commented, "I think Stars Hollow has both the Hartford Gilmores and the Huntzbergers beat for weirdness."
"Oh yeah, but nobody does soap opera like Emily Gilmore."
"Hey, my parents' dinner wasn't too shabby. The Huntzbergers performed nicely as well."
"Bush league," sniffed Rory. "Remember, I told you about the rhinestone penis shirt already."
"OK, Ace, sure. But I did great today, didn't I? I was really worried about Luke, but he seemed to like me. And your mom didn't throw me out of town or anything."
She nodded, smiling. "Oh wait! I wanted to take some coffee with me. Be right back!" she called as she dashed into the diner.
"I figured you'd want this," said Luke as he put the lid on two to-go cups. Lorelai, sitting at the counter now, looked on approvingly.
"Hey Luke," said Rory tentatively, "Thanks for not hating Logan. I know the first time you met him wasn't the greatest."
Luke blinked in surprise. "Oh I hate him. Never any doubt about that."
Both Lorelai and Rory were astonished. "But you talked! Luke Danes talked for an hour with him. Then you spent the whole afternoon with us, and Logan still has all his bones intact. Why do you hate him?" asked Rory.
"Easy. He's not good enough for you. As for the rest, it's like a pickup baseball game," he said coolly.
"Help us out here, Luke. We don't get it," said his girlfriend.
"You choose teams out of the people who show up. The, for that game only, your team is your team and the other team is the enemy. I needed Logan to help me survive a town festival and your crazy behavior. But now that's over, I can go back to hating him."
He looked slyly at Rory before adding, "Dump him. He's no good for you."
She gave him a slight wink to show she understood him before waving goodbye and meeting Logan at the car.
Lorelai and Luke walked to the window to watch the younger pair flirt and chat before getting in the car. They laughed as they watched Logan suddenly get worried and look over at the diner as Rory told him about Luke.
Lorelai reached into her purse and pulled out a small packet. Wrapping her arm around Luke's waist as they watched her daughter, she said, "Good job parenting today, mister."
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Oh yeah. You were kind, but still Luke, and at the end you did the perfect dad twist by letting them know he'd better treat her right."
She took the packet in her hand and slipped it into his pocket. "I think you earned your beans today. Here you go."
Luke pulled the packet out and stared for a long minute. Sliding it back into his pocket, he asked, "You bought beans today?"
She nodded happily.
He rephrased for clarity. "You invested in beans?"
She nodded again.
"And you're ready …" He clamped his mouth shut as the emotion washed over him. " … for a surprise?"
She laughed gloriously as she pulled him down for a kiss.
A/N: I loved Lorelai's assertiveness in Pulp Friction. This was an idea of what might have happened had she actually kept separate from her mother for a little longer. That separation would have served to convince Emily to rethink her methods, and they would have eventually found common ground.
I also pulled in a little of Rory's chutzpah from the Balalaikas episode.