Disclaimer: I do not own the X-Men and I'm not all that thrilled about it- damn it!-However I do own Merf and speak of the devil, the first chapter is named for him.
Chapter 1: Re-Enter Merf
It seemed as though everything was going to go off without a hitch. The hotel was booked, the rehearsal dinner was set and the chapel was reserved at the Excalibur. The bachelorette party would be held at the Luxor with Rogue as the hostess, while the Stag party would be held at Caesar's Palace and Hosted by Gambit. The wedding would take place the night after the parties.
It was scheduled like this for two reasons: 1) everyone would need to sleep off their hangovers and 2) the night would provide an adequate cover of darkness for John and Wanda to meet Fury at the hotel's heliport to make a clean get away.
There was just one snag in this seemingly perfect plan...
"What do you mean you didn't arrange transportation?!" Wanda yelled at Rogue.
"It must have slipped mah miahnd when Ah booked everything else. But don't worry Ah'll think of somethin'!" said Rogue quickly.
"I've got it!" Kitty jumped up, "We'll like take the X-Jet!"
"Have you lost what was left of your mind?!" Bobby scolded, "Don't you think the adults will notice if the jet disappears?!"
"I guess you've like got a point," Kitty pouted as Piotr wraped a well muscled arm around her shoulders.
Just then Jamie smiled evilly (a common occurrence, don't get me wrong, but this time it held some merit because he had the granddaddy of all master plans-pretty impressive for a 12 yr old wouldn't you say?), "Hand me the phone."
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The next afternoon...Merf was on his last run of the day. And what a day it had been!
5am-Get up, go to the gym and train for weekend miniture races, a small circut, but nonetheless a demanding one (Hotel Managment ref.).
7 am-Shower
7:45 am-Run through Dunkin' Donuts' drive through for breakfast.
8 am-Report to airstrip and tune up all the jets.
Noon-Run through McDonald's for 3 double cheeseburgers without the bun and a bottle of water.
1pm-Report to FedEx HQ, pick up the delivery schedule, change into uniform in the back of the truck and start making rounds.
This last stop however was a little different. There was some confusion about a delivery bill and payment-Merf hated these runs! As if hauling heavy packages (the size of himself-for crying out lout!) wasn't bad enough, now he had to deal with a disgruntled customer!
His shift ended at 4pm. It was 3:45 when he pulled up to a rather quaint looking Victorian house, he plastered on the most genuine smile he could muster, gabbed his clipboard and started up to the front door.
Merf rang the doorbell and announced his presence, "FedEx!"
No response.
"I'm here about a bill discrepancy!" said Merf loudly.
Nothing.
Merf figured no one was home and that he we getting off his shift 10 minutes early today, run home, take a shower and go to his night job as a short order chef. He turned to leave only his feet would not comply.
"What the?!" Merf struggled in vain to get himself unstuck from the front step.
Just then the front door flew open and before poor Merf knew what was happening everything went black as he was being dragged inside.
The last sounds Merf heard were his clipboard hitting the ground and the front door slamming.
Merf returned to consciousness about 15 minutes later, to find himself laying on a couch in a strange (as in unfamiliar, let's not start this again!) living room with an ice pack on his head.
"Ugh!-What happened?" asked Merf. Then he noticed all the people standing around him, "You guys?! I haven't seen you for a while-hey, did my suitcase assist at the end there get you guys out of trouble? (Girls Night Out ref.)"
"Uh, not exactly, Mate," said Py, warily.
"What happened?!"
"Trust Remy on dis one you don' wanna know, homme!"
"What?! it couldn't have been that bad," said Merf somewhat taken aback.
"You have no idea, Comrade," Piotr shuddered.
"Here," Rogue took out a small picture from her wallet of all the boys dressed on drag (Girls Night Out ref.) and handed it to him, "keep it, Ah have dozens."
"Are they wearing dresses?" asked Merf in disbelief as he attempted to sit up, but only wound up falling back into the couch cushions, "Ah-my head."
"Sorry 'bout that," said the sultry Southern belle holding up an ungloved hand, "hope Ah didn't drain ya that much."
"I'll live," said Merf more than a little winded.
"Here, mon ami," said Gambit coming over to the couch with a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin, "Remy's had some first hand experience wid Cher's touch, non?" A grinning Gambit looked up at Rogue.
"Remy's gonna get some more 'first hand experience' if he doesn't keep his mouth shut!" Rogue warned.
"Point taken, Cher," said Remy quickly.
"We like need a favor," said Kitty after Merf downed three aspirin.
"You sure have a funny way of asking for it," Merf countered.
"We are sorry, Comrade," Piotr sympathized, "but we could not risk a scene at the door."
"Alright, I'll give you that one," said Merf in a strained tone as he finally managed to sit up on the couch.
"You see, mate, it's like this..." John proceeded to explain the whole story, which with St. John being St. John was the long winded version.
So we'll just check back in on them later.
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Meanwhile, on the other side of town, in one of Magneto's privately owned homes, Pietro had decided to pay his dear old Dad a visit...(You know this won't end well!)