This is the beginning of a story I've been working on for about a week now. It begins a little while after Lorelai's break up with Christopher and takes a different direction to the show going from there. I hope you like it and the next installment which should be online in about a week, less, if I get it together quick. I will also be posting the next chapter of Crossing The Line soon.
Let me know what you think, thanks, JG.
The wedding was only an hour away, and Lorelai Gilmore felt nothing but anxious. It had nothing to do with the fact about who was getting married. She was happy for Gypsy and Andrew, truly.
The real problem that Lorelai Gilmore was facing was the fact that Luke Danes would be there. She hadn't seen him since her marriage with Christopher had fallen apart. The marriage had never been right, for either of them. It certainly didn't help that she had still been in love with Luke when they had eloped in Paris.
Going to the wedding was a big event for her. She would see Luke again and he wouldn't be able to just leave. Lorelai knew he found it difficult to even just look her in the eye but she was hoping they might manage to be friends, or at least stand within a couple of metres of each other for an extended period time, after tonight. Any feelings they had for each other needed to be put aside, she knew that.
She was going to the wedding for Gypsy and Andrew, both of whom had helped her out many, many times since she had moved to Stars Hollow. Gypsy had fixed the Wrangler at a lower price than she would charge anyone else around town and would act like she hadn't done anything to help out the single mother. Andrew had always let her pay for Rory's books whenever she could afford to, and had always been careful to never let Rory suspect anything was wrong. Andrew had kept the bookstore open later so Rory could study if Lorelai was working late and sometimes he would give Rory something to eat, claiming that he couldn't manage to eat all the food he had brought or cooked for himself.
Everything Gypsy and Andrew had done for Lorelai over the years had not been forgotten by the curly haired, blue eyed woman. It was why she had decided she would go to their wedding, regardless of how she was feeling about seeing Luke again.
Lorelai didn't know how awkward things would be between them, and she certainly didn't want to try and force herself on him just because she had never stopped loving him. She had hurt him by going to Christopher after their fight. She couldn't take that night back, no matter how badly she wanted to. Lorelai knew Luke probably hated her still. She would, if she had been in his position. She knew she had done exactly the same thing that Nicole had done to Luke, and she hated herself for it.
Lorelai sighed quietly to herself, turning to look at herself in her floor-length bedroom mirror. She had decided on wearing a cedar coloured dress that had a high waist and a simple v shaped neckline. Lorelai had carefully selected a pair of nude coloured heels, a silver bracelet and a brown shawl to go with her dress. As she looked in the mirror, she couldn't help but wonder if Luke would like her outfit. He had always liked her in blue because it had brought out her eyes but ever since their break-up she had avoided wearing the colour in anyway. Originally she had been going to wear a blue dress, to try and get back to normal, but in the end she had decided against it. The blue coloured dress was a reminder of the night he had let her walk away and it hurt a little too much for her liking. Lorelai ran her hand through her thick curls before reminding herself that Luke's opinion on her clothing no longer mattered and that fact shouldn't matter to her after what she had done to him.
"Mum?" Rory called from downstairs. "Are you ready yet? We should get there early so we get good seats."
"Coming," Lorelai called, turning away from the mirror and reaching for her purse. She headed downstairs to see Rory waiting for her, dressed adorably in a pink and blue floral ensemble. "That dress is cute," Lorelai told her daughter, "Where'd you get it?"
"Oh, at this little store I found in New York. I'll show you next time we meet there," Rory promised her mother with a smile. "Now, let's go," Rory told her mother, giving her a decided push towards the door.
"Alright, alright," Lorelai replied, trying to ignore the feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach.
It wasn't long before they had made it to the town square which had been all decked out for the wedding. White bows hung from all the trees and chairs had been placed facing the gazebo where the ceremony was being performed. Fairy lights and beautiful floral arrangements hung from every available surface.
"It looks beautiful," Rory murmured, and Lorelai had to agree.
"It does," Lorelai said softly, imagining herself walking in white down the aisle. A year ago, it had seemed like a reality but now it was nothing more than a bittersweet dream.
"We should go get seats," Rory said, heading towards the chairs. Lorelai followed with a sigh, ignoring the looks she got from Patty and Babette. They were huddled together across the square and they kept looking at her, probably commenting on her outfit or gossiping about her rather amiable divorce… Not that a divorce had been necessary because apparently their elopement in Paris wasn't valid in the state of Connecticut.
Lorelai was still a little bit bitter that her marriage hadn't actually been a marriage to begin with. It was worse that she now knew that Christopher had known that they weren't legally married. It explained why he had been so pushy about renewing their vows at the stupid party her mother had wanted to throw them. Chris hadn't wanted to give her a way out so early in their marriage because he had known that if she had the chance, she would've taken it. And she would've, because eloping with Chris had been one of the biggest mistakes of her life.
Lorelai sat down beside Rory in the seats that she had selected for them. They were only a few rows from the front, near the aisle so they would get a good view of Gypsy when she walked down.
"I can't believe Andrew and Gypsy are getting married," Rory commented, "I mean, they're both so different."
"They are different, but opposites attract and all that," Lorelai weighed in. "Plus, they suit each other. Andrew is bookish and Gypsy is a little more practical. They balance each other out."
"I guess," Rory allowed. "I'm happy for them though. They're so cute together."
"You better not let Gypsy hear you say that; you might end up in the Stars Hollow version of Kid Nation," Lorelai told her daughter seriously.
"That would be bad," Rory said, now frowning.
"Very bad," Lorelai agreed, smiling at the worry lines on Rory's forehead. She loved her serious and studious daughter more than anything. It was good to see that her time away from her mother at Yale hadn't changed her that much.
Seats were beginning to fill up. Lorelai couldn't help but notice that Luke hadn't showed up yet. Patty, Babette and Morey, Kirk and Lulu, Lane and Zach, Mrs. Kim and even Taylor had arrived to celebrate the wedding. Lorelai felt a little relieved that he wasn't there. But then she couldn't help but wonder if he wasn't coming to the wedding, was it because she was?
Lorelai was pulled out of her thoughts when she saw Luke step out of the diner across the square, with his daughter April in tow. The flannel and baseball cap had been traded in for a suit. He looked good, but then, he had always looked good in suits. Not that he doesn't look good in flannel, Lorelai thought to herself.
Luke and April made their way across the square and took seats on the opposite side of the aisle from her and Rory. Lorelai bit her lip and willed herself not to turn her head to get a better look at him. He didn't love her and he didn't want her. Luke had made that very clear. She just had to accept it.
Reverend Skinner took his place on the gazebo steps with Andrew who was looking dapper in a tuxedo. As Pachelbel's "Cannon in D" began to play, Lorelai and Rory stood with the rest of the guests, all craning their necks a little to get a better view of Gypsy as she made her way down the aisle in a dress of ivory brocade.
After the ceremony, the town got ready to party. Out came Patty's Founders Day Punch, and Kirk with his turntable. Half the town were drunkenly dancing away to Kirk's surprisingly okay attempts to be 'off the hizzle' like Twista. Lorelai was on her second martini of the night, sitting at a table by herself as she watched Rory dancing with Lane to Avril Lavinge. Lorelai laughed quietly as she pulled out her phone to video the two of them, knowing they would be mortified about dancing to 'Girlfriend' in the morning. If she was lucky, she might be able to hold it over her daughters head for a couple of days.
Lorelai went to take another sip from her drink before she realized it was empty. She stood with a sigh, and headed to the bar. "Hey, Dave, pour me another?" She asked the bartender, who she had established a first-name basis relationship with since her first trip to the bar.
Dave gave her a nod and set about making another vodka martini for her. Lorelai sighed and turned around as she waited, resting her elbows on the bar as she watched every one dancing. Her eyes found April, dancing in the crowd. The teenager had been a sore spot for Lorelai since she had found out about her existence. It wasn't that April had caused their relationship to fall apart. Luke had done that all by himself when he had decided to keep April's existence from Lorelai for two months and then Lorelai had sealed the deal by sleeping with Christopher after begging Luke to elope with her, in one last desperate attempt to save their relationship.
"Here you go," Dave said, forcing Lorelai to stop thinking about her past regrets. She turned and took her drink from him, telling him, "I'll be back, that I can promise you."
As she turned around, she found herself running smack bang into someone. Strong arms reached out to steady her. The vodka martini slopped around precariously in the glass, threatening to spill over. Lorelai carefully made sure her drink wouldn't spill as she said, "Thanks for rescuing us."
"No problem," Said an all too familiar voice, a little gruff.
Lorelai looked up, already knowing who those strong arms belonged to. "Sorry," She told Luke, suddenly nervous. His blue eyes seemed to drink in her appearance, taking in every detail of her. It was disconcerting to have him looking at her like that again.
"You don't need to apologise," Luke answered.
"Yeah, I do," Lorelai replied, "I should have been more careful." She couldn't help but glance down at his hands, which were still on her waist. Memories of them in similar positions like this flashed through her mind. Their first and second kiss, their first dance, their engagement and the ice skating rink... Then her traitorous mind remembered that Christopher had held her like this on the night she had destroyed her relationship with Luke for good. She flinched at the memory causing Luke to pull his hands away from her hastily, suddenly seeming to remember who exactly he was talking to- the bloody whore of Babylon.
"Sorry," Luke said, his voice sounding a little rougher.
"It's… It's okay," Lorelai responded, eyes now trained on the ground. She didn't know if she could bring herself to look up at his dark blue eyes. It would hurt too much.
"Yeah, well," Luke said, falling silent too.
Lorelai took a moment to force her face to take on a nonchalant expression. "Thanks, again," She told him, looking up at him again but taking care to avoid looking directly into his eyes.
"Honestly, it was no problem," Luke answered her, taking a step back from her.
"How have you been?" Lorelai asked him, over polite. She didn't want their conversation to end, but at the same time, she wished it would just be over already.
Luke seemed a little startled at the question. "Ah, I've been good, y'know. I've been doing a little bit of fishing and stuff like that," He told her, stumbling a little over the words.
"And the diner?" Lorelai asked him, face remaining blank. She didn't want him to know that their awkward encounter was nothing more than a cutting reminder of what they had had before. It had been easy and comfortable, nothing like it was now.
"The diner is good," Luke replied.
"And April? How is she?" Lorelai asked, careful to not stumble over his daughter's name even though saying it felt like lead in her mouth.
"April's good, really good. She's the top of her class at school and she got into another special science camp, which is apparently a big deal," Luke answered, an actual smile forming over his lips. He was a father, and he couldn't help but boast of his child's achievements. "How's Rory?"
Lorelai managed a small smile for him, replying, "Oh, you know Rory. She's doing great at Yale. Thriving, really. She's got a great boyfriend and some great friends and she's getting some great grades."
"Oh, that's good. Is she still with that Logan kid?" Luke inquired.
"Yeah, they're going pretty steady," Lorelai informed him.
"Well, that's great."
"Yeah, it is," Lorelai said softly, the awkward feeling reappearing.
"The wedding was good," Luke commented, trying to find a topic they could talk about without remembering everything.
"The wedding?" Lorelai asked. "Yeah, it was great. The weather was good and Gypsy made a beautiful bride."
"Yeah, she did," Luke said softly. As Lorelai looked at him, she knew that they were both wondering if their wedding would have been like this. Would it have been bright and sunny? Would the whole town have celebrated with them? Probably. The whole town had almost been more invested in their relationship than they themselves had been.
They were both interrupted out of their thoughts by Rory calling for her mother, "Mum! Mum! Gypsy's going to throw her bouquet!"
Lorelai turned her gaze back to Luke and told him, "I better go."
"Yeah," He said, almost sounding a little disappointed that their conversation had come to an end. "Bye, Lorelai."
"Bye, Luke," Lorelai answered, stepping away from him and heading over to the crowd of women who had gathered around the gazebo. Gypsy was standing on the steps, her back turned to them, poised to throw the bouquet.
Rory joined her and asked her mum, "Who do you think will catch it?"
"My money is on Lulu," Lorelai replied, seeing the bubbly woman jumping up and down with excitement. She and Kirk had been together for a while, so Lorelai thought it was only natural that Lulu would be the one to get married next.
"I can see that," Rory answered, her eyes following her mother's gaze.
Lorelai drank her martini in one gulp, not wanting to let any of it go to waste as a result of being pushed and jostled by highly competitive, tipsy women.
"Ready?" Gypsy asked them all. She was answered by the gathered crowd with shrieks of excitement. Gypsy tossed the bouquet over her head, turning quickly to see who would catch it. The bouquet soared through the air. Before she realized what she was doing, Lorelai had put the martini glass on the ground at her feet. Her hands reached up like they had a mind of their own to grasp the bouquet before it flew past her.
"Congratulations, dear," Ms. Patty said, patting her on the shoulder. Lorelai blocked out everyone else's reactions; all the moaning, dejected comments and complaints. She couldn't take her eyes off the perfect white roses and blossoms that made up the bouquet.
Lorelai knew what catching the bouquet meant. Marriage. Destiny. The whole package.
"Mum? Are you okay?" Rory asked her, concerned by the pained expression on her mother's face.
"Here," Lorelai said, pushing the bouquet into Rory's hands roughly. "I have to go."
Lorelai turned away from her daughter and blindly pushed her way through the throngs of the crowd. She ignored her daughter who was calling her to come back, asking if she was alright. She was anything but alright.
It's really hard to get married. Believe me, I should know. I mean, seriously, because Lane is married, and next thing, it'll be my daughter, and then my granddaughter, but not me. I'm not getting married. No, it ain't for me. It's not in the cards.
Lorelai dug her fingernails into the palms of her hands, trying her hardest to not cry as all of the hardest memories came back to her.
It's not gonna happen, Mum. Me and Luke. The wedding. It's not gonna happen.
Lorelai made it to the bar, and gestured for Dave to make her another martini.
The crazy thing is, I am ready to get married. I am ready to start the next phase in my life. I want another kid. And I… I don't want to wait anymore. I don't want to be patient. I've been patient long enough. I'm not happy and I feel crappy all the time.
Dave handed her the drink and she downed again in one gulp, pushing it back towards Dave so he could refill it. He did, but looked at her with a frown on his forehead as he handed it back to her.
Let's elope… We've been waiting and putting it off, and I don't want to out it off anymore… Now is the right time. It's the right time because it's now… Don't you love me?... I love you, Luke. I love you. But I have waited and I have stayed away and I have let you run this thing, and no more… I'm going crazy here. I made a commitment to you and I need to make it happen… I've been skulking around not saying anything, not having an opinion, like I'm Clarence Thomas or something and I… I'm done with that. I've been waiting a long time and I don't want to wait anymore… I'm not waiting! It's now or never!
This time, Lorelai sipped from it, feeling the calming effects of the alcohol swirling through her.
There is no us. There's you and there's me. It's over. It was over last night and it's over now. It's over.
Her heart rate slowed as a result of the alcohol and her mind numbed the pain she was feeling.
Luke and I are over. It wasn't just a fight. It was him, not fighting, for me. I need it to be over. I need this to be over because… I can't take this anymore. Because it hurts too much. It hurts too much.
Loving Luke was hard, but remembering was so much harder.
"Hey, are you okay?" That all too familiar gruff voice asked her. She felt his hand rest on her shoulder, obviously concerned by her sudden decision to consume alcohol like there was no tomorrow.
Lorelai couldn't help but flinch at his touch. Too many memories, too much pain. "I'm fine," She snapped at him, pulling away from him, her hand still wrapped tightly around the stem of her glass.
"Lorelai, you don't look fine," Luke told her, ignoring her rude response. She could almost hear him frowning.
"Well, I am, okay?" Lorelai snapped again, starting to walk away from him.
"Lorelai, come on," Luke said, following her.
"Leave me alone, Luke," Lorelai told him, hearing his footsteps behind her.
"No," Luke told her firmly.
"Argh," Lorelai answered, flinging her arms out in annoyance. She took another sip of her martini as she walked, each step accentuating her anger.
"Lorelai, come on," Luke cajoled, "You're being ridiculous. Just talk to me. Obviously something's bothering you, let me help, please."
"Nothing's wrong, nothing's bothering me. And even if there was, why would I let you help? You haven't spoken to me in months. You don't care, you never did, so just leave me alone," She said, her anger evident in her voice.
"God, Lorelai," Luke said, reaching out and grabbing hold of her arm so she couldn't keep walking away from him.
"What do you want?" Lorelai asked him harshly, looking up at him with a scowl on her face.
"I want to help," Luke answered simply, his forehead wrinkled in concern for her and his eyes looking into hers, imploring her to let him help her with whatever it was that was bothering her.
"Well, you can't unless you've suddenly developed powers to turn back time in the last 30 seconds," Lorelai shot back snarkily.
"That I haven't done, but just talk to me," Luke told her. "I'll help in any way I can."
"Sorry, Mr. Fix-It. This you can't fix," Lorelai responded.
"Let me be the judge of that."
Lorelai looked up at him, debating whether or not she should just tell him what the problem was. He didn't seem like he was going to leave anytime soon. "I caught Gypsy's bouquet," Lorelai informed him, voice quiet.
Luke frowned, obviously trying to work out why in the world that would upset her.
"Oh, come on, Luke," Lorelai said, annoyed that he didn't just understand, "Why the hell would I be upset over catching a bouquet at a wedding? Why the hell is that significant?"
He blinked a couple of times before it seemed to dawn on him, "Because you were married to Christopher and now you're not…"
Lorelai rolled her eyes, "Yeah, sure. Let's go with that. Now can I go?"
"Lorelai," Luke started, "Did you, um, want to talk? I mean, I've been married and then divorced so I know, kind of, what you're going through.'
"I do not want to talk about that, with you, of all people, Luke," Lorelai responded, sighing and turning her head.
"Well, um, do you want to do something then?" Luke asked her, scratching his head as he tried to make sense of the situation. She was confusing him. Lorelai had always been confusing, that was for sure, but in the last five minutes her emotions had been changing so fast he could barely process any of it.
Lorelai shrugged, "Like what?"
"Like, I don't know," Luke said, turning his head to look around for something that could entice her out of the mood she was in. His eyes fell on the dance floor that was filled with Stars Hollow residents dancing like there was no tomorrow. "Um, dance? You like to dance, right?"
Lorelai turned to look at him again sharply, her eye narrowing as she took in his expression, "I do like to dance," she allowed before reminding him, "But you don't. Actually, you hate to dance."
"I guess I never really liked to, but it was okay whenever I danced with you as long as you didn't dance too spazzy," Luke responded.
"I do not dance spazzy," Lorelai told him, frowning.
"Yeah, you do," He told her, smiling a little. "So, you want to dance or not?" Luke asked, offering her his hand.
Lorelai considered whether or not she should. She loved to dance, it was fun and exhilarating. And it was certainly a good distraction. You didn't have to think about anything when you danced, besides where you were putting your feet. On the other hand though, she would be dancing with Luke. She couldn't remember the last time she had danced with Luke. She remembered dancing with him at Liz's wedding on their first kind-of date and then dancing with him at her parents vow renewal. That was about it, though.
She let out a sigh, deciding it couldn't hurt too much, "Sure, why not?" Lorelai took his hand, letting him lead her in the direction of the dance floor. As they passed a table, Lorelai put her glass down figuring it wouldn't make it very easy to dance with Luke.
The song that was playing wasn't too fast or too slow. Luke turned to face her, pulling her a little closer so he could put one hand around her waist while keeping hold of her hand in his other one. They started to dance to the music, moving to the music together. They didn't stand too close to one another, too aware of everything that had ever happened between them to even dare to move closer.
"Thanks for distracting me," Lorelai told him, managing a smile.
"It was no problem, really," Luke replied, brushing off her thanks.
"Well, I'm grateful either way," Lorelai answered.
They fell back into a peaceful silence, both concentrating on dancing together with a little bit of pep in their step. It wasn't a slow dance kind of song. Luke spun Lorelai away from him and then back again, earning him a big smile from her. He did it again, this time earning him a laugh.
"Better?" Luke asked her.
"Yeah," Lorelai said with a smile.
They fell back into silence, both secretly enjoying the familiarity of each other.
The song faded out into a slow song, instantly changing the atmosphere on the dance floor.
"You want to keep dancing?" Luke asked, brows raised.
Lorelai nodded, but added politely, "Only if you want to." She was aware how much the mood had changed on the dance floor, so she had given him an out if he wanted out. She was not forcing this on him, no matter how nice it was to have his arms around her.
"I don't mind," Luke answered, slowing their dance down so it matched the pace of the song.
He pulled her a little closer, because it felt right. Lorelai could smell his cologne mixed in with the scent of coffee and fries. All of the memories came back to her in a rush. Her sheets had used to smell just like him. Her clothes had smelt like him for weeks after they had split up, no matter how many times she had tried to wash the scent away. Every kiss and every touch they had ever shared, was now heightened in her memory by his proximity to her.
Lorelai's grip on his shoulder loosened a little, and slid down to rest on his chest. She found herself staring at his shoulder, only then noticing just how close they were. Suddenly in her mind she was transported back to three years ago. Everything was the same but everything was so very different at the same time. They were wearing different clothes, dancing to a different song during an entirely different wedding in a different year but somehow it felt the same. The way he was holding her felt the same. The way she could feel his eyes on her felt the same. The way he smelt was the same and the way she could feel his breath on her hair felt the same. Their bodies were pressed together in exactly the same a way; a perfect fit. Lorelai swallowed hard as she felt tears prick her eyes. He was everything she wanted but the one person she couldn't have.
Lorelai stuck it out for the next couple of minutes till the song was over. But then it switched to another slow song, and Luke didn't let her go or make any move to end their dance. She bit her lip, not wanting to say anything. As much as she loved him for what he was doing for her, for caring, it hurt too much to let him hold her like he was.
She rested her head against his shoulder, hoping he wouldn't be able to feel the few tears that managed to escape. Luke said nothing if he noticed that his suit jacket was now a little damp with salty tears, but only rested his head against hers. He turned his head after a moment and pressed his lips to her dark curls. Lorelai couldn't take it anymore.
"Don't," She told him softly.
"Don't what?" Luke asked, his voice just as quiet.
"Don't hold me like that, don't touch me like that, don't kiss me like that," Lorelai explained to him, pulling away from him as much as she could considering his arms were still firmly around her.
"Lorelai, what's…" Luke started to ask, then saw the tears in her eyes. "Oh, Lorelai," He said softly, suddenly at a loss for what to say to her.
"Just don't, please don't," Lorelai said finally, pulling away from him again. This time, he let her go. Lorelai moved away from him as fast as she could, wiping her tears away. She couldn't believe she had danced with him like that. She couldn't believe that he had danced with her like that, especially after everything. It wasn't right. It wasn't right to just make her remember. It wasn't right to make her feel all of that again; all the pain and the self pity and the self hatred for being so weak and for needing him like she did. He probably didn't even know that his mere touch was enough to cause her pain. If he did know, it was just cruel.
Lorelai found the table she had been sitting at earlier and grabbed her purse and shawl. She needed to get home as fast as she could.
"Mum?" Rory asked from behind her.
Lorelai spun around, hoping her eyes weren't too red or puffy. "Yeah, sweets? I'm just heading home. Tired, too much to drink, y'know?"
"Mum, you don't look okay…" Rory said, frowning as she saw her mums tear stained face. "What happened? I couldn't find you after the bouquet throwing."
"I went to the bar," Lorelai answered truthfully.
"I looked there as well," Rory told her, clearly expecting more of an explanation.
"I went for a walk and then I danced for a bit," Lorelai finally responded.
Rory nodded, saying, "I know, I saw you dancing with Luke. Is that what made you upset? Did he hurt you or say something?"
Lorelai shook her head, "No, no, nothing like that."
"Then why have you been crying, mum?" Rory asked, "And why did you run away after you caught the bouquet?"
"Too many memories," Lorelai admitted quietly. "I think it's time for bed before I get drunk and start doing stupid and embarrassing things I will regret in the morning so I'm just going to head home."
"Okay, did you want me to come home with you?" Rory inquired. She didn't like the fact that her mother was crying. She didn't cry very often but when she did, it was usually pretty serious.
"No, no," Lorelai said, a little bit too quickly. "You stay here, have fun. I'll be fine."
"Alright, but call if you need anything," Rory ordered, hugging her mum tight.
"I will, I will," Lorelai lied to her daughter, kissing her forehead before pulling away. "Bye sweets."
"Bye, mum," Rory replied, watching her mum walk away quickly and purposefully in the direction of their home. She was worried about her mum but she knew that she wouldn't talk to her until she was ready.
Rory wasn't the only one watching Lorelai's hasty exit from the wedding reception. Luke's eyes followed her until her figure faded into the darkness of the night. He sat down at a chair with a beer, wondering what to do. It was clear he had upset Lorelai somehow. He had only been trying to make her happy, but it only ended in her crying which was hard for him to see. Luke had only seen Lorelai cry a few times in his life, and every time he did, it was disturbing to see one of the strongest people he knew break down and be vulnerable.
Lorelai fumbled with the lock on the door of her house for a little, before she finally managed to open the door. She headed straight upstairs, throwing her purse and shawl on the bed. She kicked off her shoes, immediately changing into a pair of sweatpants and an old 'Walk Like An Egyptian' Bangles t-shirt.
It took her a while to decide whether to head back downstairs or climb into her bed. In the end she decided that downstairs was the better option. She couldn't look at her bed without remembering Luke inhabiting the bed, closely followed by memories of Christopher.
Lorelai sat on the couch, pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around herself, letting herself cry for the first time in what felt like forever. She was crying for all the mistakes she had made, she was crying for her failed marriage and for her failed engagement, but most of all she was crying because she was all alone again. The whole package had slipped through her fingers again.
She cried for a good hour, letting herself grieve for everything she had lost. Lorelai rubbed the last of her tears away, feeling like now was a good time to commence a good, long wallow. Her fingers felt like sandpaper against her eyelids. Lorelai sighed, standing and heading to the kitchen. Ben and Jerry's was the only thing that would make her feel a little better. After grabbing a tub of Chunky Monkey and a couple of plastic spoons, Lorelai headed back to her place on the couch.
Lorelai sat in silence. She ate spoonful after spoonful of ice cream, not turning on the television because she didn't feel like crying again just yet. The ice cream wasn't making her feel as good as it usually did during a wallow. She was trying to figure out why exactly it wasn't helping much when she heard a knock at the door.
Lorelai put down her ice cream and stood, heading to the door rather slowly. Whoever was at the door knocked again, a little louder and more insistent than the first time.
"Hold on to your horses," Lorelai muttered as she opened the door to reveal Luke.
His eyes looked her up and down once before he asked her, "Phish Food?"
"Chunky Monkey," Lorelai corrected.
Luke nodded, as if it somehow made sense to him why she had chosen Chunky Monkey over the other flavours in her freezer. "Can I come in?" Luke questioned. Lorelai said nothing, just stepped aside and granted him admittance.
"Thanks," He said, before asking, "Can we talk?"
"Couch or the table?"
"The couch is fine."
Lorelai led Luke to the couch, sitting down on it again. Luke sat at the opposite end of the couch, just watching her.
"What did you want to talk about?" Lorelai asked him after a couple of minutes of silence.
"Something you said earlier. I couldn't get it out of my head," Luke told her before remarking, "You've been crying. You're eating Chunky Monkey. You're pre-wallow wallowing."
Lorelai nodded silently.
"Well, earlier I guessed that you were upset about catching the bouquet because of Christopher. You said, "Let's go with that." But you said it like that wasn't the reason you were upset," Luke told her. "I was trying to figure out what exactly you meant. If you weren't upset over him, then what were you upset about?"
"I didn't mean anything by it," Lorelai told him, dodging the question. "I was upset about Chris."
"But he wasn't the only thing you were upset about, Lorelai. You can't pretend he was, otherwise you would be having Phish Food, not Chunky Monkey. Phish Food is for wallowing. Chunky Monkey is for pre-wallowing, which you don't have unless you're upset about more than one thing," Luke said. "Just tell me, please. I just want to know."
"No, you don't want to know," Lorelai responded. "It will only make you angry, or sad, and I don't want to cause you any more pain than I already have. I appreciate you coming over and all, but it was unnecessary. Thanks again," She said, standing up, ready to see him out.
Luke didn't move from his seat. "I want to know Lorelai, and I'm not going anywhere until you tell me."
Lorelai sighed, and sat back down dejectedly. God, he was stubborn.
"Tell me," Luke instead again, after realising she wasn't going to say anything without a push.
"I was remembering, Luke, and it hurt too much," Lorelai told him quietly.
"I'm going to need a bit more than that," Luke answered, frowning as he looked over at her.
Lorelai sighed. "As soon as I got to the wedding, all I could think about was whether our wedding would have been like that. Would it have been sunny? Would the whole town show up and be overly enthusiastic? Would they spend hours setting up and decorating for us? And then everyone else was sitting down, and you weren't there. I thought you weren't coming for a moment and I couldn't help but think it was because of me. I thought you must still hate me so much if you couldn't manage a few hours of being within a few metres of me for Andrew and Gypsy's sakes. And then you showed up and you had April. I just remembered everything. Next thing I knew Gypsy was walking down the aisle and Andrew was crying because she looked so beautiful. Then I'm catching that stupid bouquet and it's a huge reminder that I'm a failure. I've never managed to stay in a relationship for long. I mean, I was engaged to Max than I dated that Alex guy, Jason, and Christopher was flitting in and out of my life like a manic butterfly, and I let him because I'm Mary bloody Magdalene. I dated you then we broke up then we got back together. We were engaged and then I screwed that up by forcing you to choose between me and April, which I shouldn't have done because I know you can't choose. I wouldn't be able to choose between you and Rory. Anyway, you never would have made me choose. You were never that selfish. I was so caught up in everything and I was hurting so much because I loved you and you didn't seem to love me, or want to marry me so I went to Christopher because it was the only way to end it. It was the only way to make you hate me enough to let me go and let me not feel all the pain I was feeling. And then I married Christopher because I wanted to get married and I wanted another kid. I wanted the whole package so badly. Then of course I screwed that up too. I didn't love Christopher. I didn't want to marry him or have another kid with him because I couldn't depend on him, I couldn't trust him and he wasn't you, no matter how much I wished he was. I had never stopped loving you. I had never dealt with the fact that it was over between us. I didn't wallow. So tonight at the wedding, when you touched me it just hurt too much and I still wasn't ready to deal with all. Then we were dancing and I was smiling and laughing and it all felt so right. Then that slow song came in and I just remembered it all. I didn't want you to touch me. I was dirty. I was gross and bad for you. I sure as hell didn't deserve you trying to look after me and make me feel better, for whatever reason you thought you had to. I mean, it's not like I owe you anything. I was stupid and selfish and…" Lorelai trailed off mid-babble, trying to find the right words to finish her monologue. "And I didn't wallow," She finished lamely. She had nothing else to say to him.
It was embarrassing as it was, admitting everything that had gone through her head in the last few hours. But his silence made it all feel a hundred times worse. Had she said too much? Did he hate her even more for only thinking of herself? For being selfish?
"Luke?" Lorelai asked after five minutes more of silence. His face was expressionless and gave away absolutely nothing about what he was feeling or thinking.
"Just processing," He told her softly.
"Oh, okay," Lorelai replied, leaning back on the sofa and letting him think. Pushing him to say what he was thinking or feeling would not help the situation. It was what had caused her to lose him not once, but twice. She was too impatient, too pushy... too Lorelai.
"You were upset because you were remembering?" Luke questioned finally after another ten minutes,
"Yes."
"You still love me... After... After everything?"
"Yes."
"I hurt you? When I touched you? When we were dancing?"
"Not physically, but yes."
Luke fell silent again, letting her answers sink in. "I'm sorry," he told her.
"For what? You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the idiot who didn't wallow," Lorelai responded.
"For hurting you like I did today. For never apologising, because I know I pushed you away and I used April to do it. I know I pushed you to go to him. Most of all though, I'm sorry for letting you think I hated you because you should never have thought I could ever, in a million years, hate you, Lorelai," Luke explained, looking at her carefully to gauge her reaction.
Lorelai couldn't help the few tears that managed to escape her eyes again. He didn't hate her? He couldn't hate her? What did that even mean? She was so relieved that he didn't hate her but she couldn't understand why. She had done everything humanly possible to make him hate her.
"Why are you crying, Lorelai?" Luke asked, moving closer and putting his hand on her shoulder. "Did I do something wrong again? I'm sorry, I really am. I don't want to make you cry."
"You did nothing wrong," Lorelai said, shaking her head. His words had had only just made her want to cry more. She wiped at her eyes, but it did nothing to make the flow of tears ebb. "You don't hate me?" She asked, her voice small and unbelieving.
"No, of course not," Luke replied.
"Oh, okay," Lorelai responded weakly, just accepting his answer, wiping at her eyes again. Luke had never lied to her face before and there was no reason to think he was now.
Luke reached into his suit pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. He held it out to her and watched as she hesitated a moment before accepting it. Lorelai wiped at her eyes careful, letting out a big breathe of air when she was done.
"Thank you."
"No problem."
"I'm sorry too," Lorelai admitted, looking at him out of the corner of her eye.
"Sorry? What for?" Luke asked, his face a puzzled frown.
"Sorry for going to Christopher that night, and never apologising. I know it was wrong, and there isn't really any excuse for it. I pulled a 'Nicole', and that wasn't fair on you at all. I'm sorry for pushing you too, for trying to make you marry me when you weren't ready," Lorelai apologised, shrugging her shoulders a little. She didn't know why she hadn't told him this ages ago because he deserved to know just how sorry she was about the way she had ended things between them.
Luke paused before he said anything, wanting to process her apology. "I was ready, to marry you, I mean. I was just confused and I didn't realise exactly how much you were hurting or how much you needed me to be there for you. I should've just jumped," He responded finally.
"No, you shouldn't have," Lorelai amended, "You don't jump into things like I do. You shouldn't have felt like you needed to change to be with me. It wasn't fair what I was asking, no matter how upset or desperate I was."
Luke nodded, understanding what she was saying. They fell into a long silence again, neither feeling the need to keep talking about all of their regrets just then.
"Do you want me to go?" Luke asked eventually.
Lorelai turned her head in surprise, "No, it's fine. Stay for a bit longer. You can have some Chunky Monkey too if you want." She reached for the tub, and held it out to him.
Luke laughed and shook his head. "I wouldn't touch that crap for a million dollars, Lorelai. It rots your insides and probably gives you cancer. You're killing yourself quicker with every spoonful."
"But at least I'll die young and pretty," Lorelai quipped.
Luke couldn't help but smile as Lorelai dug her spoon into the container and ate a mouthful of the stuff.
"Young and obese," He countered.
"Nope. I'm a miracle. I should be studied like E.T. and revered like Buddha," Lorelai replied, after a second mouthful.
Luke just shook his head. It felt comfortable to be joking around with her, even though their conversation had been so heavy and full of meaning a short while ago.
A bit of chocolate was smeared on the bottom of her lip, so Luke leaned over to wipe it, just like he would have done twelve months ago when they had been together. It was an automatic reaction, and he didn't think about it for a second till he feel her tense up at his touch.
He froze, his thumb still mid wipe. "Sorry," Luke whispered, still not moving away. His eyes were glued to hers, suddenly remembering just how amazingly blue they could be.
"Not your fault," Lorelai whispered back, her eyes trained on his.
Luke hesitated a second before leaning in to kiss her. Lorelai met him halfway. The kiss was gentle and soft, and lasted for only a moment before Luke pulled away a little again, blinking a little in confusion about what happened.
Lorelai couldn't work out exactly what had just happened either. He had kissed her? And she had wanted him to? Nothing was making any sense. They were barely even friends. How could they be kissing? Before she had the chance to work it out, Luke leaned in to kiss her again. Lorelai responded to him without thinking. Kissing him was second nature to her. She felt him pull the tub of ice cream out of her hands and put it on the table, never moving his lips from hers.
The kiss heated up. His hands were in her hair and her hands found themselves around his neck, her fingers playing with the soft curls at the back of his neck. Luke pulled her closer so she was sitting on his lap. His lips moved down her neck. Lorelai let out a soft moan as one of his hands slipped under her shirt, drawing small circles on her skin. She pressed herself into him, needing, wanting his touch.
Lorelai captured his lips with hers again as she started to push his jacket of his shoulders. He helped her by shrugging it off. Her nimble fingers moved to the buttons of his shirt, undoing them quickly. Luke's hands rested on the hem of her t-shirt for a moment before decidedly pulling the fabric up and over her head, tossing it to the floor. Lorelai rested her hands on the soft curls of his bare chest, tangling her fingers in the fine hairs. His lips travelled down her neck again. Lorelai couldn't help but let out another moan. It felt so good, so strangely right.
"I love you," Luke whispered against the skin of her neck.
Lorelai froze, any desire she felt evaporating into thin air.
"What?" She choked out, pulling away from him. Had she really been about to sleep with him, without even considering what it meant? Without considering how it would feel when it was all over? God, I should have a scarlet "A" tattooed on my forehead as a warning for all the unsuspecting men in the world.
Luke looked at her, confused by her reaction. "I love you," He repeated, "I never stopped. I don't think I ever will."
Lorelai stared at him. She couldn't believe she had been kissing him. All of the pain she had been feeling suddenly came back. Lorelai stood up, and picked up her shirt from the ground. "Oh my god," she said in a whisper, as she pulled the Bangles shirt back over her head. "Oh. My. God. I was going to sleep with you. After everything I did with Christopher, I was going to sleep with you. I put Belle Watling to shame. Even after all the pain and hurt, I was still going to sleep with you without giving it a second thought," she said, uncomprehending.
"Lorelai," Luke said, standing, reaching out for her.
"No, Luke. I can't… No, we, can't do this," Lorelai told him, stepping back out of his reach.
"But I love you," Luke said. It was more of a statement than anything else. There was no question as to whether he loved her or not. He couldn't hate her, and he couldn't not love her. "And you love me. You said so before any of this happened, Lorelai. You can't say you don't love me. I love you."
"I know that you love me now," Lorelai responded softly, gently. "But we can't do this. I love you, too, Luke. I've never stopped. But I can't deal with any of this. It hurts too much. I hurt you too much and you hurt me too much. We were never meant to be together. It just wasn't right. No matter how much we love each other, it will never be right."
"I'm not going anywhere, Lorelai," Luke told her. He wasn't going to let her end them all over again, before they even managed to get started again.
"Yes, you are. You are going back to the apartment. You are leaving me right now and going back to April, because she is your daughter and you should be with her right now," Lorelai told him.
"April is with Rory, she's safe. I'm not going anywhere," Luke responded firmly.
Lorelai ignored the pain she felt when he told her he had left April with Rory. It was a reminder that he trusted Rory with his daughter more than he ever trusted April with her, and it hurt. "Well, I'm not doing this with you, Luke. It just hurts too much," She replied.
"Lorelai, this is our wormhole. We can be together. Third times a charm- people still say that, right?- and all of that crap," Luke said, trying to convince her that they could be an 'us' again.
"Our wormhole?" Lorelai asked, confused about what exactly he was referencing. It wasn't any movie she had shown him that was for sure. Maybe it was a Trekkie thing..
Luke shook his head at her confusion. It didn't matter. "You can't just decide that this is over, Lorelai. We are both in this. You do not get to decide for the both of us."
"Yes, I do. I do because it hurts too much to even try, Luke. Can't you see how much it hurts to tell you no? Can't you see that I want you to kiss me again? That I want to try again? But we just can't Luke. It will hurt too much and when it's over again, it will be over forever and I won't survive it this time. I'm not strong when it comes to you."
"Lorelai, I won't let us screw it up," Luke told her, trying to understand where she was coming from and trying to reassure her that it would all be okay. He got that they had a history, but most of it was a good history. It was clear to him that things weren't resolved between them, and in his mind, they owed it to themselves to try again.
"I'm sorry, Luke, I have to go," Lorelai said, heading to the door and walking out. She couldn't stand to be in the house anymore. There were too many ghosts haunting the halls. She could tell he didn't intend to leave anytime soon, so it was far easier to just decide that she was the one who would be leaving instead.
Luke followed Lorelai, not accepting her just walking away again. He had walked away from her before and she had walked away from him too. It hadn't ended well for either of them. "Don't go," He implored.
"I have to," Lorelai replied as she walked quickly down the front steps of the porch, knowing that if he had the chance he would grab a hold of her arm or her waist and she wouldn't be able to resist him. When it came to Luke Danes, she had little in the way of a will to hold out for very long.
"I'm not going anywhere. I will stay here all night for you to come back, Lorelai. I'm not giving up on us again not ever," Luke informed her.
"I know," Lorelai told him, "That's why I'm not going to give you any other choice."
Luke didn't understand what she meant by that. He didn't even have the chance to try and figure it out because she had already walked across the lawn to the Wrangler. Lorelai got in the car without a word. She started the car and then reversed out of the drive, refusing to look at Luke who was standing on the porch just watching her leaving him again. There was a finality about her leaving this time and it scared him. "I love you," Luke called, unable to do anything else. He couldn't stop the car and he couldn't stop her. She was too stubborn. "I love you, and I'll always be here, in Stars Hollow, Lorelai."
Lorelai heard every word. It was all that she could do to not jump out of the car and run back to him. But the truth was, if she stayed and let herself try again, she would just end up a bigger mess than she already was. "I love you too," She whispered as she turned out of the drive and out onto the street.
Luke watched the lights of the car disappear before he went back inside. He shut the door behind him and headed into the lounge. He grabbed the half eaten tub of Chunky Monkey and returned it to the freezer in the kitchen, practical as ever. Luke then buttoned up his half undone shirt and looked around the empty house. He noticed the small changes, ones that Christopher had probably made. The new television was the most obvious addition. It was grossly flashy and weirdly arrogant in Lorelai's understated and simple living room. It didn't fit. It was reassuring in that moment to notice that Christopher Hayden had never fit in here, in the world of the Gilmore Girls, not like he had.
He pursed his lips before he reached for his phone to call Rory. Luke told Rory that her mum had left, and no, he didn't know where she had gone. Rory told him that she would be there in a few minutes and she would bring April with her. Luke sat down to wait, yet again wondering what Lorelai had meant by the fact that she was not going to give him 'another choice.'
Lorelai drove with tears in her eyes, trying not to think about the forlorn expression on Luke's face as she had driven away. Driving away from him had been one of the hardest things she had ever done, because this time, she intended it to be the last time she ever saw him. Luke was a clear temptation and she couldn't avoid or forget him if she stayed in Stars Hollow. So Lorelai was doing the opposite of what she had done over 20 years ago. She was running to Hartford.
Briefly she had considered seeking refuge with Sookie, but it was too obvious. Luke would think to look there. Patty and Babette were out of the question; the news of her and Luke would be around town in ten minutes. Lorelai had also considered ringing Rory, and asking if she could hide out with her in New Haven until she figured out what to do, but again, it had been far too obvious. Plus, she would have to explain to Rory why she was running away and she wasn't ready to face her daughter's questioning and concerned blue eyes just yet.
Her parents house hadn't changed at all since Lorelai had left twenty years ago. It was still imposing and eerie to look up at. But right then, Lorelai noticed as she looked up at the building, it didn't look quite like the prison she remembered it being. Right then, it looked like a haven.
Lorelai let out a shaky breath before she walked up purposefully to the front door. She rung the bell and waited with bated breath for someone to come to the door. When the door opened, it revealed the formidable face of Emily Gilmore.
"Lorelai, what are you doing here? It's getting awfully late, I was just about to go to bed," Emily told her daughter, brows raised and trying not to look concerned by her daughters less than presentable appearance.
Lorelai managed a crooked smile for her mother, and asked, "Could I stay here tonight?"
"Well, yes, but..." Emily began, but stopped when Lorelai quickly stepped past her into the house.
"Thanks, mum," Lorelai told her mother as she heard Emily shut the front door. Lorelai turned to face her and said, "I'm sorry it's so late. You can go upstairs to bed now, I can take care of myself."
"Lorelai," Emily said her daughter's name with a sigh, "Why are you here?"
Lorelai took a moment to decide whether she should just tell Emily the truth or not. "I just needed to get out of the house. I couldn't go to Sookie's or anyone else's because it was too obvious, so I came here," Lorelai explained.
"What do you mean you needed to get out of the house, and what is too obvious?" Emily asked, a frowning now marking the older women's usually impassive face.
Lorelai let out a sigh. She should've known that Emily wouldn't let her stay without prying into why she had come to the Gilmore mansion of all places. "Luke and I... Well, he was there, at my house. I knew he wasn't going to leave without a fight, so I decided to leave so he didn't have to. I came here because Luke would think to look for me at Sookie's. He would think to call Rory, but he wouldn't think to come here looking for me," Lorelai told her mother, honest about why she had showed up so late and looking like she did.
"You've been crying," Emily noted, not responding to her daughter's explanation.
"Yes, I have," Lorelai agreed, "Very astute."
"What are you going to do, after tonight, Lorelai?" Emily then asked, ignoring the quip too.
Lorelai shrugged in response. "I don't know. I mean, if I go back to Stars Hollow, he'll still be there waiting for me and I can't deal with all the pain that comes with that again. But it's my home and it's Rory's home. If I don't go back, everyone will know. I've got the Dragonfly to worry about too," Lorelai said, heading into the living room.
Emily followed behind her. "Well, you can stay here for as long as you need," Emily told Lorelai, taking a seat beside her on the sofa.
"Thanks, mum," Lorelai said, genuinely touched by the gesture.
"But I think you should go away for a bit," Emily added.
Lorelai looked at Emily in confusion, "Go away? Where and why?"
"Go away to Europe, or to the Bahamas. Wherever, I don't know. But go to figure out how you're feeling and what you want. You're running away right now so you might as well run to a place where you can think a little more clearly," Emily suggested.
"Shall I run away to Las Vegas like Nomi? It kind of worked out for her," Lorelai mused, forgetting for a moment she was speaking to her mother.
"I don't know what you're talking about but I hope you'll go somewhere a little more tasteful than Las Vegas, Lorelai," Emily informed her daughter with a slight scowl.
Lorelai couldn't help but smile a little. Of course she wouldn't get the reference. "I can't go," Lorelai said finally after considering upping and disappearing as an option.
"Why not?" Emily asked.
"Because all of my stuff is in Stars Hollow, I can't afford it, Rory, the Dragonfly..." Lorelai replied, listing the reasons off on her fingers.
"I can send the maid to pick up your things tomorrow, your father and I can front you the money, Rory will understand and I'm sure you can take a holiday from the Dragonfly on short notice. You do own the place after all," Lorelai's mother pointed out.
Lorelai's eyes widened, "I can't take your money, mum."
"Of course you can, because the money we would give you would be yours anyway. We'd just grant you access to your inheritance, and then you could be off," Emily explained.
"My inheritance? I always just assumed Rory would get it all," Lorelai commented.
"Oh, don't be ridiculous, Lorelai. You're our only child. It all goes to you and then to Rory," Emily responded with a roll of her eyes. "I'll leave the number of our travel agent on the table for you in the morning if you wish to use it. You should also ring Rory, and let her know you're alright. Now I'm going to bed and you should go soon too. You look like you need a good long sleep," Emily informed Lorelai, standing and starting to leave the room.
Lorelai watched her mother walk away, saying, "Good night, mum," just before she left the room.
Emily paused for a second then responded with, "Good night, Lorelai." Emily continued her exit, leaving Lorelai alone with her thoughts.
Going away for a while sounded like a good idea. It would be a whole lot easier to avoid everyone, avoid Luke, if she was thousands of miles away. But could she actually just go? Lorelai brushed further thoughts of travelling from her mind, deciding now would be a good time to ring Rory like her mother had suggested.
Lorelai dialled Rory's number on her cellphone. Rory didn't answer so Lorelai left her daughter a message on her voicemail instead, "Hey, Rory, my favourite offspring. I don't know if you've gone home yet or not, but if you have you've probably found Luke hanging around. If you haven't, I'm guessing he'll still be there when you do eventually go home. I won't be there because I've sought refuge in a far, far away land. I just wanted to let you know that I'm okay and safe. I also probably won't be coming back to the Crap Shack for a while but I'll tell you about that later. Anyway, I love you and I'll ring you tomorrow."
Then Lorelai rang Sookie and left a similar message on her answering machine, letting her know she wouldn't be going to work tomorrow and possibly for a while because she was considering taking a few weeks off and going on a holiday.
After that Lorelai made herself walk up the staircase to her old bedroom. Methodically, Lorelai took off her jeans and unclipped her bra. She left her t-shirt and underwear on then slipped under the covers of her bed. She lay on her side, staring blankly at the wall until she felt tears prick her eyes. The tears fell silently as Lorelai remembered feeling Luke's hands on her body, touching her and wanting her like she had wanted him. She forced herself to think about something else, anything else. Lorelai found herself remembering the Chunky Monkey that she had abandoned on the coffee table. God, she wanted it right then. She let out a quiet laugh, realising just how ridiculous it was to be wanting her Chunky Monkey after everything that had happened in the last few hours. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly and decided it was time to get that sleep her mother had insisted she needed.
"I'll think about it tomorrow," She whispered to the silent room, understanding suddenly why Scarlett O'Hara had always put off dealing with her feelings. Lorelai had never appreciated the Southern Belle as much as she did then.
Lorelai fell asleep to the haunting image of Luke looking at her with his dark blue eyes, filled with the quiet understanding and compassion that she couldn't stand anymore.
When Lorelai woke up it took her a moment to recognise where she was and how in the world she had managed to get there. Then she remembered.
Her breath hitched in her throat and her fingers started to tingle. Lorelai sat up in her old bed, feeling dizzy and disorientated. She stared down at her hands and suddenly noticed she was shaking. A tight pain developed in her chest and Lorelai couldn't help but wonder if she was having a heart attack or if she was dying. She couldn't breathe. Her head felt like she was underwater. Her hands clutched at her throat, desperate to breathe, to get some oxygen. The pressure on her head grew so great that she couldn't see straight. Lorelai's body shook uncontrollably as tears began to roll down her cheeks.
Lorelai didn't know how long it was till the shaking stopped and she could breathe again. It felt like a lifetime. As she sat in her bed, sweating, she tried to figure out what the hell had just happened. Was it a stroke? She shook her head. No, definitely not a stroke.
Not wanting to dwell on whatever it was that had just happened, Lorelai stood up and pulled her jeans back on. She headed downstairs, still shaking a little, to find that both her parents had already left. A basket of Danish's and rolls sat on the dining room table beside a piece of paper with the number of her parents travel agent on it. Lorelai stared at the number for a while, deliberating.
Sitting and picking at a Danish, Lorelai remembered the feeling of panic that had flew through her when she had woken up. It hadn't happened until she had thought about... She trailed off, deciding she wouldn't think about what had caused her to freak out like that.
Lorelai grabbed her phone and dialled the number of the travel agent, deciding she really did need to leave. Staying wasn't helping her and she couldn't go back to... That place... Without facing him. A hour or two later, Lorelai had booked a one way ticket to Europe. She didn't know how long it would be until she was ready to come back, but she decided she would just figure it out later.
When Luke woke up, he was sleeping in a bed he hadn't slept in for months. It was their bed, his and Lorelai's. He stared up at the ceiling, wondering whether she would come back today. He wanted to talk to her, to make her understand that he loved her so much it hurt. Letting her walk out of his life was not an option. He would go back to being just friends if they couldn't give their relationship another go. He just didn't want to lose her.
Last night, Rory and April had come back from the wedding. He explained to Rory everything that had happened and she had told him everything Lorelai had ever said to her about why her and Christopher had split, how she felt about Luke and how she felt about April. Then he had cooked them all dinner and had cleaned up as well. Rory and April had gone to go sleep in Rory's room because of the new addition of the trundle bed, which was another blatant reminder of Christopher's presence in the house.
Luke forced himself to get out of the bed and look out the window. The jeep wasn't there, not that he thought it would be. From the look on Lorelai's face last night, he had guessed she would need a bit more time than 12 hours to come back and deal with it all.
Luke then sighed and headed downstairs, making himself a cup of peppermint tea and sitting down at the kitchen table. He sat by himself in silence for a couple of hours, just thinking and regretting.
He was pulled out of the recesses of his mind when Rory slipped out of her room quietly.
"April's still asleep," Rory told him quietly.
Luke just nodded in response.
Rory stepped out of the kitchen for a moment then returned, her purse from last night in hand. She sat down at the kitchen table with him before she dug through her purse. Rory pulled out her phone triumphantly.
"You should really clean out that thing," Luke commented, thinking about how Lorelai's purse was always just as messy if not more so.
"Yeah, probably," Rory agreed with a good natured smile, trying to hide the worry in her eyes as she turned her phone on and saw that there were two voicemails left on it from her mother.
"What's wrong?" Luke asked, seeing the worry behind her smiling mask. He had known Rory for far too long to not realise that she was concerned.
Rory looked at him with her big, blue eyes before she said quietly, "Mum rang. There's a couple of voicemails." She hesitated a moment before she asked, "Did you want to listen?"
Luke nodded mutely.
Rory clicked onto her voicemail and put the phone on speaker so they could both hear the messages.
"Hey, Rory, my favourite offspring. I don't know if you've gone home yet or not, but if you have you've probably found Luke hanging around. If you haven't, I'm guessing he'll still be there when you do eventually go home. I won't be there because I've sought refuge in a far, far away land. I just wanted to let you know that I'm okay and safe. I also probably won't be coming back to the Crap Shack for a while but I'll tell you about that later. Anyway, I love you and I'll ring you tomorrow," Lorelai's voice said, overly cheery and flippant.
"At least she's okay," Rory said to Luke, who looked like he was about punch something.
Before Luke could respond, the second message began to play.
Lorelai's voice began to speak, her voice not covered in the same cheery tone as before, "So it turns out I'm not going to the Crap Shack for quite a while. I went to my parent's house last night, and mum let me stay in my old room. I called to let you know that I'm about to go to the airport. I'm flying to Europe tonight and I have no clue when I'll be back. I've called Sookie, and she knows so don't worry about the Dragonfly. I'll ring you when I land. I just need to get away Rory, I hope you understand. I can't go back to Stars Hollow, because he's there, and if I go back I'm just going to feel all that pain I've been bottling up for god knows how long. And I'm not as strong as you all think because I can't deal with any of it, and I probably won't be able to deal with it ever because I'm like the most unstable person in existence. If you're at the Crap Shack now or if you're going there, please could you let Luke know where I've gone but make sure he knows I don't want him to ring me or wait for me, because I'm not coming back. I won't be stopping over to get clothes or anything, because I'm just going to buy what I need when I get there. God, I'm babbling like Mel Gibson. So, um, I love you kid and I'll talk to you soon."
The voicemail ended there.
"She's gone," Luke said, his voice hollow and laced with pain.
"She'll be back," Rory assured him, though she wasn't sure that her mother would.
"No, no she won't," Luke responded, suddenly realising what Lorelai had meant when she told him that she wouldn't give him a choice. She was leaving and she was never coming back. He had driven her away. Lorelai Gilmore had fled Stars Hollow and she had gone to her parents for help, in a strange, ironic twist of fate.