So, I had this story up on here before, but took it down and decided to re-write it a little before posting it again. Your feedback would mean a lot to me, so read and review! :-)
Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush
So this is how it feels to be insane? The world looks like a movie, it always plays. So how can hearts so young feel so much pain?
My life was playing in front of me, I was watching it like a movie, but I wasn't the one making the calls. Not anymore. It was the disease that pulled the strings. Have you ever been to the point in your life when you don't know what day it is because you don't remember the last time you had any sleep? Your life becomes a blue. All you think about is how many calories you've eaten that day, or how many you've burned. Some days I wish I don't exist. I wouldn't get up from my bed, I would just lay there and pretend I don't have a life to live; I didn't have to go to school or work. I wouldn't have to pretend to be someone I clearly wasn't anymore. I could just be myself. Those were the good days, those were the days I was able to ignore everything around me. Most days though, I would do everything I had to, but at the same time die inside. I felt like everything was slowly crashing down, but no one noticed. I would put on a smile, put up a brave front, even when I was such a coward inside.
The sun shone through the blinds in slivers, decorating the opposing wall with a golden glint. Small, twinkling, multi-colored lights decorated the ceiling. The two light settings clashed beautifully along the hardwood floor, dancing across it rythmically. My eyes were fixed on the forever moving lights on the patch of ceiling above me. I lay motionless in my bed; down feather blankets wrapped tightly around my small frame.
The sun had just begun to rise, signalling morning. I swallowed hard, pulling the soft fabric over my head and pulling my legs up, laying in a position similar to the fetal. My breathing came up in harsh puffs as the temperature rose beneath the blanket. I flinched as I heard my bedroom door creak open. The clicking of my mother's heels closened before a hand was placed atop the blanket, resting on my upper back.
"I'd get up now before your brother and sister if you want a hot shower." I groaned in frustration, earning a sigh from her. "Get up now or you're going to end up going to school with your hair like that." She spat, heels clicking a few more times more, followed by the slam of my door.
Slowly I pushed my blanket it, piling it in a small heap at the edge of my bed and inwardly cursing as I sat up. Sharp pains loitered my lower back as my eyes blurred. I hung my head slightly, plopping my hair into a messy bun at the top of my head. Pushing myself from my bed I stretched up onto my toes and pulled a small green plug from it's outlet, ceasing the dance of the small lights. As I walked past my dresser I avoided glancing in the mirror and opened my door, my eyes slitted as the morning sun poured through the skylight. A slight pounding could be heard from the stairs leading to my brother's room, so I quickly padded across the hall and into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me.
After my shower I made my way downstairs, clad in dark wash skinny jeans, and old ACDC graphic tee, and some black combat boots. My hair fell in loose waves to my mid-back, face made up with a small bit of foundation, thick eyeliner, and some mascara. I huffed as I opened the front door and stepped out into the brisk Minnesota air. Goosebumps quicly rose along my bare arms as I trudged down the street.
About 15 minutes later I was making my way up the stairs of Sherwood High School; my own personal hell. As I passed through the plexi glass doors the loud chatter and locker clanking began to fill my ears. A slight grin was threatening to cross my face as I noticed who was standing beside my locker. He stood a tall 6' 1", dressed in a red plaid flannel button up, skinny jeans, and a pair of vans. His back was to me as he talked amongst his friends, all of whom I used to know. I shook my head and stood behind him, twisting my combination into the metal lock that hung from my own locker. I tugged at the lock, but it didn't budge. I muttered a few curses as I tugged a bit more violently, earning the attention of the four boys beside me.
"Need some help?" The tall blonde questioned; a hint of laughter bubbling in his tone. I looked up, noticing how his forest green eyes glistened as they met with my own chocolate brown pair. A smirk was painted across his features, displaying his dimples. It wasn't until he motioned to my lock that I noticed I was simply staring at him, ignoring his question. I cleared my throat, fixing my eyes back on my lock.
"No Kendall, I got it." Once again I tugged at the lock, groaning when it hadn't unlocked like I'd hoped. He chucked and pulled the lock in his direction.
"What's your combination?" I leaned on my side against the adjacent locker, making sure to keep my eyes on the lock as I told him my combination. He carefully twisted the dial, freeing the lock and placing it in my awaiting hand. I swung open my locker, pulling a book from the top shelf and paying no attention to Kendall. He more than audibly cleared his throat a few times before I looked up at him, closing my locker simultaneously. "A thank you would be nice." He said sarcastically.
"Thank you, Kendall...thank you for actually helping me with a problem I was having," I laughed coldy, "I didn't even have to beg this time." The grin he was sporting quickly faded into a slight frown.
"Come on Faith, that was the past." I scoffed.
"I wasn't aware that time cured problems."
He inhaled deeply, thinking for a moment. "You weren't the only one dealing with shit."
"Yeah, being the town's star hockey player and gaining overnight popularity must be some tough shit." I rolled my eyes as he stepped closer. "You left...you all left." I directed the second half of my statement toward the three boys lingering behind Kendall. Their heads bowed as the words left my mouth. I walked off, not having anything left to say.
I sat quietly as everyone around me happily chatted and ate their lunches. My stomach was pulling in excruciating knots at the sight of food, so I stood up and headed for the door.
The air was chilly and blowing harshly, whipping my hair in multiple directions as I made my way up the concrete stairs leading to the large football field that was accompanied by a track and bleachers. I sat below the metal seats, holding my bag tightly in my lap. My breathing came out in short, rapid puffs, fog clouding as each breath escaped my lips. Reaching into my bag I pulled out a small cloth, unwrapping it to reveal a small metal blade. All the thoughts spinning in my head ceased as I ran my fingers along the sharp edge, not hard enough to draw blood. My hands began to tremble as I pulled my many bracelets up, laying the blade's edge againt my bare wrist.
It was a beautiful Saturday night, the stars lighting up the night sky, a few small clouds lingering. The weather was warm and enveloped my body in its warmth. I watched as the flames of the bonfire crackled, roasting the marshmallow I had placed at the end of my stick.
"Carlos, your marshmallow is on fire!" I laughed at the latino beside me quickly pulled the stick to his face, blowing on the once fluffy treat and placing it between two large graham crackers, plopping a few pieces of chocolate in also. "Oh thanks Carlos, you're so thoughtful." I quickly grapped the s'more, taking a large bite and laughing as his deep brown eyes nearly bulged from their sockets. As he reached to grab it from my hand I pushed the last of it in my mouth, my cheeks thick as I attempted to chew.
"Doesn't she know that's just going to add to all the fat that she already has on her ass?" I swallowed hard as the blonde seated beside Kendall giggled. My heart sank as I watched him laugh, his eyes not bothering to look up at me.
I flinched as the memory flooded my mind, a few droplets of blood beginning to drip down the sides of my wrist as I dragged the blade across. My heart constricted as I lifted my gaze to notice a pair of eyes set right on me.