I have no idea what happened the last time I tried to upload this but I don't think it worked -_- so here it is again

Pearl's pov

I still remember the first year after Steven died. We all changed, what little we had of Rose was now gone and we couldnt get her back. Out of the three of us, I suppose I changed the most. I'm still Pearl but… I'm not the same.

For the first month or so after Steven, I would just sit in the living room and stare at his bed. Hoping that some how the boy would just pop out from under his covers like the whole thing was just a terrible dream. Obviously, it never happened. We didn't go on many missions then. We were all just trying to be there fro each other. Trying to remember the sweet child that died so young and sudden. The good things about him. Sure, it helped a little bit, but I just couldn't get over how fast his life had gone by. One second I was holding him as a small child, the next I was watching the light fade from his eyes.

I was in my room one day looking at my sword collection. I couldn't help but think of the times I had gotten injured on missions. I realized I wanted to feel physical pain- it would be better than just the voice inside my head screaming things I could have done different. I picked a small dagger from is scabbard and dragged it along my wrist three times. Almost immediatly blood was pouring from the cuts, dripping down into the water below my feet. I found a strange comfort in the sting and scarlet liquid. I didn't feel so empty. That's when I began injuring myself. Over and over until there wasn't much room on my skin. I would do it everyday. Whenever the emptiness would return, so did the blades.

Three months after that, I was in the kitchen alone with my dagger. Lion was at the foot of Steven's bed again, like he was every day. The animal kept looking at me with sad eyes as if asking where his best friend had gone. I slammed my fists down on the counter. "He's gone! He's dead! Why don't you get that? Just go away! If loosing him wasn't enough to get rid of you then what is?" I cried to the animal. He mad a small sound of pain before laying next to the bed.

Slidding down the wall, I grabbed my dagger and began to cut once again. I cut deep. My hands and arms were coated in blood when I hit an artery. It went fast but I still remember it. Lion leapt down and started to walk over to me. He put his head against mine right before I retracted into my gem.

When I regenerated I was on the couch. Garnet and Amethyst on either side of me, Garnet holding the dagger. That day was clear as glass. I remember every word, every movement perfectly. "We gathered all your swords, spears and daggers." Garnet began. "I know its hard for you, but we are not loosing another gem. We're here for you. You don't need to throw your life away."

Amethyst hugged me tightly, she had tears in her eyes. "I never got that far but… I've been through this. After Rose died and… i'm sorry you were in so much pain that you did this to yourself… Pearl, I need you to promise me something-"

"Promise both of us." Garnet added

"Please don't hurt yourself anymore. Please promise us you won't." Amethyst made me look at her. I had never seen her look that way. The pain in her eyes made me physically ill.

I looked over to Garnet as she removed her shades. She had the same look that killed me twice as hard. "I promise." I began to shake and cry and they both hugged me. We all layed there on the couch, not really saying anything until Amethyst said she loved me and Garnet agreed. I suppose feelings were unearthed that had been inside of us for some time.

I haven't hurt myself since then. But I changed. There was still an empty space in my heart that hurt every time I moved. Garnet and Amethyst helped soothe the pain, but we all still suffer together. The emptiness will never be filled but it just reminds me of who I've become. It pushes me to keep going, to be strong for Rose and for Steven. They wouldn't want me to suffer. And though it hurts, I will keep pushing on because I know that's what they would have wanted. The last thing I would want to do is to hurt them.

There are days where I would rather be dead than have to put up with these emotions. We all go through them. But when those days do come, for any of us, we just sit together and talk. It doesn't have to be about the pain. It can be anything. We sit there for hours, sometimes even days but in the end we all realize that its okay to hurt. We have eachother and no matter how hard it gets, we'll keep fighting. Because we are strong. Strong in the real way