This is my first published Twilight fanfiction, though I am working on many others. My stories aren't normally this dark, but because of the mood I'm in at the moment, I wrote this song-fic to get a lot of emotions off my chest and to portray what I personally think went on in Bella's head when Edward first came back. Please, tell me what you think of this story. I like any kind of review, I just want to know what you think.
Gravity
Something always brings me back to you.
I shouldn't be here. After all you did to me, after all I've had to suffer through, the last place I should be is in your embrace. But I can't help myself.
It never takes too long.
I suffered for months on end when you left me all alone. If it wasn't for Jake, I would most likely be dead right now. I have no doubt I would have killed myself eventually. And then you come back after months, and I welcome you back into my life with open arms. I shouldn't be welcoming you back at all. It's unhealthy, the way I feel about you.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
I told myself I would try to get over you. But how could I do that when even the smallest of dangerous moments probed a memory of you? Even when you weren't here, I could still see you. I could still hear you. I shouldn't have tried so hard to get those memories of you back. If I hadn't, maybe I would have healed. Maybe I wouldn't be back in this miserable place like I was before. But at the same time, the misery is a painful bliss.
You hold me without touch, you keep me without chains.
It's almost funny, in a way, how much of me you have without even knowing it. You think you've given me the chance to walk away if I want to. But little do you know, you have me caged in. And there's nothing I can do about it. I want you to leave me be. But I can't bring myself to make you.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.
You're all I ever wanted, but I want to love you without feeling suffocated. All I want is to be able to have a normal, healthy love with you…but it isn't possible. I should have left you when I had the chance. But you had to come back. You just had to come back. And I had to go back to you.
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
As long as I am suffocated by you, I don't want to be with you. I want to be rid of this unbearable pain that you cast on me. But how am I supposed to rid myself of you when it's how I live?
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
I was so much better when you left, even though I didn't feel it. I was halfway free. I was able to stand by myself, and live, and I was so close to being free of your hold. But it all fell to pieces. Jake says I can still walk away, but he doesn't understand. As long as you're here, I need you to live, even though I don't want you.
But you're on to me and all over me.
When you came back, I felt whole again…but empty at the same time. It was a false sense of security. I felt whole because I had my drug back. But I felt empty, because the chains surrounded me again in full force. I need some way out. I need you to go away. But I can't bring myself to make you leave.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile, when I thought that I was strong.
Before you, I was capable of handling things on my own. I didn't need a man to protect me. I was an independent woman, with a bright future. But you knew if you came into my life, I would rely on you completely, so you came, and stripped that future away.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.
I was able to piece back together the shards of my ruined future when you left. I thought that I was moving on. But all it took was that first embrace for those shards to break apart again.
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
You're only what I think I need. I don't actually need you. But why can't I carry out these thoughts? Why do I have to keep you here? I don't NEED you! I shouldn't need you. All I need is to get away from this awful, messed up romance that I was so stupid and naïve to get myself into in the first place!
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
You aren't my friend. You think you know me, but you don't. Jake knows me. Jake knows me for me. He helps me, he sees the woman that is buried deep inside, and who is being slowly suffocated by the woman that you have made me into. Why can't I let you go? I can't live this way any longer—it's killing me!
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
Down…I'm suffocating. If I can't make myself make you leave, than I can make myself leave. All it takes is one simple movement, and I can be rid of you forever.
I grab the shotgun off the wall, and I put the barrel up to my head. I am getting rid of you once and for all.
My bittersweet addiction.
It's over.
I'm free.