The King of the Rings
Part: One
By Fetal Panda
2-13-04
Concerning hobbits:
Hobbits are small creatures about three feet tall
They take a particular liking to weed and ale.
They resemble small humans with harry feet.
Hobbits prefer a quiet life to one with adventures.
Hobbits live in a place called the briar. This is
Where hobbits call home.
Once Upon a time there was a hobbit named Dodo Draggins. Dodo lived with his uncle Philbo Draggins. They lived in a hole in a small hill like all hobbits. Philbo had been in many adventures he had found the one ring that was forged by the dark lordSour one.He stole it from a gangly creature called "Seagull". They called him that because of the sound he made when he coughed. Philbo had told Dodo of his many adventures. Dodo was fascinated by these stories.
Their had been a bunch of hustle and bustle in the briar because it was Philbo'sBazzilionth birthday. Every one was eager to shake the old geezer's wrinkly hand.When the preparations were ready and the party was about to start, the old, and wise wizard Gandork showed up. Gandork was a long time friend of Philbo. Gandork brought a big load of fire works to make up for his tardiness. So the party started. At the end Philbo
Stepped up to give a speech. Philbo talked for a while. "Blah, blah, blah. then slapped his magic ring on and disappeared. Every body went crazy.Philbo entered his empty house and started packing Gandork appeared and convinced Philbo to leave the ring. Dodo arrived home and met Gandork; Gandork told Dodo that Philbo went to live with the Elves. Gandork convinced Dodo to take the ring to Riverbell the elf city. Suddenly there was noise out side the window. Gandork reached down and picked up Spam Gangrene. Gandork convinced Spam to accompany Dodo to Riverbell. (As you can now see Gandork is a very persuasive person).
The next day Dodo and Spam set off. They were walking in a corn field when two other hobbits ran into them. It was Harry and Dippin. They were holding heads of cabbage. And bundles of carrots. "You've been stealing from haggot's crop" said Spam. "Just a wee bit" said Dippin. The hobbits turned around to see farmer haggot. "Aye, you've been stealing from my crop". Said the farmer. He swung his gigantic blade; it shaved the leaves off the carrots. The hobbits ran so fast they fell down a steep drop and landed in donkey poop.
Dippin's face was the only thing that didn't get covered in dung. "That was almost close" said Dippin. Suddenly Dodo turned around and looked at the path before them.It started to shrink, and he heard screaming. "Is something wrong mister Dodo?"Asked Spam. "No Spam, it must have been that chocolate bar I had last night, you know a moment on your lips forever on your hips" said Dodo. "Aye" said Spam. Then Dodo had a strange sensation. He ducked behind a monster sized root, and the other hobbits followed.
They heard a horse gallop up and a rider dismount. They heard great bunch of sniffing. The sniffing was getting harder and harder. Worms were crawling out of the ground, and Dodo's whole life was flashing before his eyes. Then Harry chucked a bag into some bushes. The rider who was clad in a black cloak screamed, grabbed the bag, and rode away fast. "Harry, what was in that bag?" asked Dodo. "Glue mister Dodo, always comes in handy". Replied Harry. "So the rider was getting high on the glue that was ingénues Harry" said Dodo. "Thank you mister Dodo". So Harry and Dippin joined the Dodo and Spam on their quest to Riverbell.
The Hobbits were to meet Gandork at the "Waltzing Mule" inn. The Waltzing Mule was in the human town of "Beer". Hobbits really did not like humans; they called them Biglings because of their size. So the Hobbits arrived in Beer. It was bright and there was not a cloud in the sky. They walked into the inn and darkness shot up as fast as an arrow. Sam walked out, it was day, he walked in again, and it was night, day, night, day, night. "What is with the time change?" Spam asked. "Don't you know, it is always night when your in an inn. The bartender replied.
The hobbits sat down at a table and started drinking their ale. Dodo looked in the corner, there was a man clad in a green weathered cloak. His hood was covering his face. "Excuse me, that man in the corner, who is he?" Dodo asked the Bartender (whose name was Mr. Butterbeer). "No one knows his real name, but 'roun here he's known as Biter. He's one of them Power Ranger folk." Whispered the ale stained bartender. Dodo stared at the man, he was smoking a pipe and he had his boots on the table.
Suddenly Dodo heard Dippin's voice. "Yeah I know a Dodo Draggins, he is right over their he is my mother's cousin's brother's girlfriend's nephew's friend three times removed".Dodo looked over "Nooo!" he yelled. Then he slipped on a banana peel and the ring flew into the air and onto his middle finger, he disappeared into thin air. Dodo looked around, everything was hazy. "I knew someday I would need glasses". He strived and pulled the ring off. "Hey that little buggers giving us the finger." said a man with a long beard. Dodo looked down he was holding his ringless middle finger in the air.
"Dog pile him" said a man with ale dripping from his beard.
Before Dodo knew it men of all sizes and weights were smothering him. The one man he wanted to see the least pulled him out. It was Biter. Biter brought him to a room. "Very subtle approach Mr. Draggins. Said Biter. "Who are you?" Dodo asked. Biter pulled of his cloak to reveal a man in a tight purple spandex. "Ugh!" Dodo saidSounding disgusted. "I am the purple ranger Airborne" said Biter. "That's disgust-, wait a second, there is no purple power ranger" Said Dodo. "Well there is now" said Airborne.
"What have you got in that pipe, sheesh? That's wrong." Said Dodo.
"I am a friend of Gandork said Airborne." So Dodo introduced Airborne to the other hobbits and they all set off to Riverbell.
On the road the hobbits saw sorts of amazing sights such as: Trees, trees, trees, and some stone trolls. The hobbits walked what seemed like forever. Airborne stopped and sat down. "What are you doin?" asked Spam. "I am not taking another step until I've had me some grub", stated Airborne. "We need to keep going" said Spam. "Wait" said Airborne, as he sunk his teeth into a delicious bass. After the purple wonder had finished his snack the hobbits set off again.
They walked some more until they came upon a tall plateau with some old ruins on the top. "Look its Feather-mop" screamed Dippin. They climbed to the top and began to set up camp. "Oh I can't wait to teach you guys some real Home Style cooking" said Airborne.He lugged a large cook book out of Dodo's pack labeled "Momma Puddin's Home-Style cooking". "Was I carrying that the entire time in my bag" asked Dodo."Well I couldn't carry it I have a fragile back, my chiropractor says that I can't carry any dense objects until next month" replied Airborne, in a complaining voice.
Airborne smiled as he flipped through the massive cooking bible. "I'm going to teach you guys everything I know about cooking". Dodo and Spam sighed and trudged off into I little corner. "Lets see, hmm" said Airborne. "Shrimp scampi, shrimp fillet, shrimp salad, shrimp gumbo, shrimp butter, shrimp sauce, shrimp dumplings, yep its got shrimp in here all right. Airborne was up all night fixing "Masterpieces". The funny thing was they all turned out to be burned when he finished.
Dodo woke up to the sound of pebbles falling down a slope. He looked up to see seven cloaked men surrounding them all. The other two seemed to be downing Airborne's failed dishes. Dodo tried to wake Spam only to discover Spam was not there. He looked up again and saw the nine of them tying Spam to what looked like a rotisserie poll. Dodo looked for Airborne only to discover he was helping the cloaked fiends tie Spam to the poll. "Ill teach you guys how to make Roast Spam, Rotisserie style". Said Airborne
Dodo had to think quickly, so he pulled out his wee hobbit knife and chucked in the direction of the villains. Surprisingly the knife cut the rope that bound Spam. Spam took two seconds to grab a burning kebab and shove it in the lead cloaked creature. He then quickly shoved in every one until they ran and fell off the top of the hill.
Dodo then jumped up and started screaming curses and shouts at Airborne for his betrayal. There was something strange about Airborne's face. His eyes were closed and he seemed to be muttering something. "Bless my hairy feet" said Spam. "He was sleep walking and talking". Airborne finished his muttering and fell into a heap. To everyone's surprise Harry and Dippin had been smoking all the ale and smoking the entire weed the hobbits had during the incident.
The troop were walking and were just about to set up camp when a beautiful woman clad in a white robe rode up on a white horse. Airborne recognized the woman and started speaking some weird mumbo jumbo language. The woman spoke back to him and hopped off her horse. "My friends" Airborne started. "This is "Darwin", she is princess of Riverbell". So the band of travelers set walked for two miles to Riverbell.
Dodo thought that Riverbell was very cute despite the fact that it was an elf city. Dodo didn't like elves much. None of the hobbits did, they were too tall for there own good.
The hobbits Airborne and Darwin all entered the main chamber which was outside and was surrounded by 7ft tall pillars. There were fall leaves on the ground, and 10 people sitting down chairs.
Dodo scanned the chamber and counted three Elves, three Dwarves, and Three humans. There also was, "Smith" who was Darwin's father. Smith spoke welcome Mr. And- err, Draggins. Please sit down over here, he pointed to a small blue chair with the words "Fisher Price" labeled on the back. Dodo sat down and a meeting began almost instantly.
"We should destroy it" said a rather plump looking dwarf. (Then again he wouldn't be a dwarf if he wasn't fat) "We can't do that Earl" said Smith "It's made of pure rubber it deflects anything that hits it", Smith continued "It must be destroyed the way it was made; the ring must be thrown into lava in "Mount Boom". The Dwarf was about to say something when Smith interrupted him. "Meeting Adjourned".
End of Part:One