Mass Effect and all its known characters belong to Bioware.
AN: I purposely didn't include Samara, because she creeps me out. Her name reminded me of that kid from The Ring.
"You know what this show needs?" asked Jack. She looked at the assorted basket of faces seated around the table with her, relishing their expectant expressions before proudly declaring: "More sex."
"Ah," said Shepard. "Fabulous. Thank you Jack, for your…contribution. Now, if anyone else have something to say-"
"No, seriously. Think about it," said Jack. "Imagine a super-slick Shepard sandwich. You in the middle with Garrus doing you from the back…and Frog Boy here-" she pointed at Thane, "can take point from your front. Put that in the promotional posters, and boom! Instant fan service."
A cloud of uncomfortable silence drifted over them, as per the usual mood whenever Jack chose to open her mouth.
It wasn't exactly a major staff meeting. What started off as a coffee break session between Shepard and Garrus at the mess hall eventually turned into one as the rest of the gang turned up as soon as they overheard their animated discussion over fan bases.
"That's your big solution?" asked Shepard. "That I take it from the ass? We're talking about alternate endings here, not my rear ending."
"Fine," said Jack, shrugging dismissively. "But don't tell me you've never even contemplated the idea. If you want, you can have Jacob here in leotards and spank you…and, and maybe Kolyat can join in. I think he's got a bit of a MILF complex."
Shepard pointed a firm finger towards Jack, although there were no hiding the pink tinge on her cheeks, "Alright, I officially declare any future contributions from you is considered null and void. And remind me to take you off my extranet buddy contact list."
Thane cleared his throat. "What is this milf? Is it an illness?"
"Yeah, Jane…why don't you share with the rest of the class what exactly is MILF?" said Garrus, nudging Shepard in the ribs, although there was a mischievous glint in his eyes as he did so.
Tali, who had kept silent all the while suddenly gasped. "Ooh, I know what that is! It's an-"
"Tali!" Shepard rapped out sharply. "No!"
"-online matchmaking site! Yeah, I saw their advertisement yesterday. It stands for – um – let's see…oh yes: Major Interaction with Lovers and Friends." She sat back and nodded sagely. "Perhaps your son is looking for a mate, Thane."
"Oh," Thane rumbled. "I am not aware of that. I should speak to him with regards of marriage matters, then."
"Back to our brainstorming subject," said Shepard loudly. "I'm fine with the whole saving the galaxy thing. I mean, that's what we're all here for, right? But do I really have to die in process?"
"What do you expect, Commander?" Jacob piped in. "This is war. You can't have people dying and suddenly pop up again by the time the end credit rolls. I mean, imagine seeing Thane at his own memorial service. Everyone would have a heart attack!"
"I for one do not mind dying," said Thane. "Sure, I have lesser romance scenes, but that also means I'd have lesser lines to memorize."
"Oy, what're you talking about?" Garrus growled. "I know you purposefully screwed up your final scenes just so you get to make out with Jane longer. Don't think I didn't notice!"
"Oh? And are you saying you didn't request additional scene rehearsals with Siha just so you could – what is that human term? – cop a feel?"
"I dunno what you guys are complaining about," said Jacob. "I get all the vanilla love scenes. At least Garrus gets the 'Adorably Awkward' persona, and Thane's got his 'Vulnerable Mystery Man' thing going on. And he even got to send the Commander a love letter after he died. Died! What did I get? I'm telling ya: it's racial discrimination. Just because I'm a brother of colour, I get all the boring bits."
"For God's sake, Jacob," Shepard interjected. "If we're talking racial discrimination, then I'd be having human boyfriends through and through. Quit making inflammatory remarks, will ya?"
"Hey, speaking of Thane's love letters, he made a few drafts before sending you that one, Shepard," said Jack, grinning craftily. "Wanna see what the rejected ones look like?"
"What?" said Thane. "I did not have any-"
Reaching out for Shepard's datapad, Jack typed in a few commands, pressed enter, then passed it back to the Commander. The device pinged as new information was uploaded into it. Shepard took a moment to study it, before reading it out aloud:
"Upon your feet, you have ten toes, they look just like po-tay-toes!" Shooting the mortified Drell assassin a skeptical look, she said, "Really, Thane? This is your handiwork? Oh, there's more: My heart beats for you, my pookie so true; I love you mucher and muchess; So say you'll be mine, my sweet Valentine; From the Duke of Pook to the Duchess."
In the stunned silence that followed, Tali broke it with a giggle. "How adorable!' she sputtered.
"That is certainly not my work!" Thane protested. Shepard wasn't sure if Drells could blush, but he almost certainly looked like he was, for his gills were looking a brighter shade of red. "Siha, I did write that letter…but that crass monstrosity of a poem is not mine!"
"True," said Miranda, hiding her bemused smile behind her coffee cup. "It doesn't speak Thane at all. It sounds more like…" she took a long sip, allowing the suspense to seep through to the rest of them. Her eyes slid over to Shepard's meaningfully.
The Commander gasped, realization finally dawning, and shouted: "Grunt!" at the same time the rest of them chorused: "Joker!"
The table erupted with raucous laughter. Garrus slapped its surface with his palm so hard that he caused a minor earthquake.
"Ooh, haha!" chuckled Jack, wiping away a tear. "Haven't laughed this hard since forever!"
"Joker, eh?" said Shepard. Tali was leaning against her, utterly spent. "Wonder what EDI has to say about that."
"Seriously, Shepard," said Miranda. "How'd you like your story to end?"
"Hm…" said Shepard thoughtfully. "For one thing, they should ditch the emo epic orchestra track and replace it with something super retro. Y'know, make it sound like 'Yea, we're on a suicide mission, but we'll do it cool style' kind of thing. Any of you heard the song 'Heroes'?"
"Which one?" asked Jacob. "There's so many."
"Ah, it's so old I bet none of you even know him. I mean, he's practically a dinosaur. I only heard his stuff from going through my parents' audio collections."
"Yeah? Try me, then. Who's he?"
"Bowie."
"The knife?"
"No, no. David Bowie! Ziggy Stardust?" Seeing Jacob's increasing confused expression, Shepard tried a different tack. "He did Space Oddity once. Hah, if only he'd seen us like this when he wrote that song…he'd probably freak himself out!"
"No. Doesn't ring any bells, Commander. Sorry."
"Then what do you people listen to? Don't tell me you like those techno acid synthesizer crap! Tch, nobody appreciates the classics nowadays."
"Hey, I got an idea," said Garrus. "How about Shepard gets into this epic fight with the Illusive Man, and just when he's about to kill her, he says: 'Jane, I'm your father'."
"Oh, ooh!" exclaimed Tali, sitting up straight. "And then he reveals that Shepard has a secret twin brother! We can call him…um…John Starwalker. Yeah, John! What do you think?"
"Or how about we each pilot robotic lions which can be combined into a bigger robot named Proton?" suggested Thane. "We can then use it to fight the Reapers."
"Symbolic, yet impractical," said Miranda. "If we get the robots to transform into vehicles or weapons, then it would be much better. Can you imagine, sending out Hammerheads to do the fighting for us? To prevent writer plotholes, we can invent some obscure alien gadget that brings them to life, like the AllSpark…or the Matrix. And we can call these robots…Autobiotics."
"Hehe, cool," said Jack, eyes gleaming. "So we get to, like, blow stuff up? Yeah, I'd like that. The whole universe going all kablooie. That'd be epic, man."
"No, that'd be Armageddon, and it'll completely defeat the purpose of us thinking of an alternate ending in the first place," said Shepard with a glare. "Everyone, please take note to keep Jack away from combustible objects."
"How about we give the Commander camouflage biotics where she'll be completely invisible?" said Jacob.
"Er, I've already got that one," said Shepard.
"Yeah, but this one's special. You gotta be naked to use it."
"Whaat…? I can't believe I'm hearing this from you!" exclaimed the Commander, tossing a crumpled sandwich wrapper at the man. "You obviously got that idea from reading too much Fornix. I bet you're on their lifetime subscription list. Garrus, do a spot check on his quarters and see just what kind of reading material he has."
"Aye aye, Commander," said Garrus with a grin.
"So, aside from space opera, robots and biotic porn, we've really got nothing else to work on?" said Shepard. "I'm half-inclined to add in unicorns and magical bears just for the heck of it. This is a brainstorming session after all."
"Unicorns?" asked Tali.
"Yeah. Horses with horns. They've each got this symbol on their asses which does magic everytime you rub it."
"Their asses? You mean, they grant you wishes once you fondle their butts?" asked Garrus incredulously. "And you thought biotic porn was bad! This is like…animal bestiality or something."
"Siha, that idea is wrong on so many levels," said Thane. "I do not even wish to contemplate it."
"These animals, do you reckon we could transform them into weapons?" asked Miranda, ever the tactical expert.
"Sure, if you rig them with explosives," said Jack. Her eyes took a sudden hungry look. "I've never blown up horses before."
Shepard shook her head, and promptly got up "I say we continue this another time. It's getting late, and I really need my shut-eye," she said with a yawn. "Maybe if people complained loud enough, we'd get a total rewrite."
"Hyeah, that'll be the day," said Jack, rolling her eyes. "Nobody listens to the talents. It's all the producers and directors who gets the most attention. It's sickening, I tell ya."
"Yeah, well…somebody's gotta listen. Otherwise what're all of us here for? As pixellized eye candy? Come on."
"Don't say you're not enjoying it. You get to suck face with four guys and one chick. Whatsername, now? Liara? Yeah, that's the one. Look, I'm telling you: that Shepard sandwich idea of mine is awesome! Think of the publicity!"
"The only thing we'll get is an outright ban! Somebody please get Jack a copy of the interstellar broadcasting rating guide."
"I'm just sayin', that's all!" said Jack rather sulkily.
AN2: Apologies to Star Wars, Voltron, Transformers and My Little Pony for butchering your respective franchises. It's all for fun, really. Thane's pseudo-poem was borrowed from Bone comic by Jeff Smith. If you don't know who David Bowie is, then find out. That man's practically one of the founding fathers of visual kei.