Disclaimer: I still own no one.
Author's notes: This is the conclusion of my Raoul/Carlotta series. I wrote the first and second parts out of sequence, but the order of the series is: The Author must be crazy, It's a bird! It's a plane! No... it's Super Raoul, and Wedding Day. This one features the unfortunate (yeah right) and amusing demise of Raoul, so obviously there can't be a sequel. Also, since in every story I have someone make an appearance just because that's how my twisted mind works (the audience, Mysterious Announcer Person) this one will feature... Nope, sorry, not telling. Hint: This person was in the musical but not the novel.
(Author is talking to a frightened and tied up Raoul)
Author: You'll do this or else!
Raoul: No! Please don't make me!
Author: Sorry, things have just gotta be this way.
Raoul: Why?
Author: Because I am The Author and I say so!
Raoul: I'll leave Christine alone, I promise! She can marry Erik! (bursts into tears)
Author: She already has.
(Raoul cries even harder)
Author: Now, I'm leaving the room so you can change into your pretty tutu like a good little prisoner. Don't bother trying to run because as you can see there are no windows and I'm guarding the door. (unties him, exits)
(Five minutes later, Raoul appears wearing a pale pink tutu and looking very humiliated.)
Author: (laughing) Okay, now it's time to do your hair.
Raoul: Can't this be enough?
Author: No. You want to look pretty for your bride don't you?
Raoul: (pouts) No.
Author: Too bad. (drags him over to a table covered with assorted hair ribbons and barrettes) Pick one.
Raoul: I don't want to.
Author: If you don't, I will.
Raoul: Oh, fine then! (looks at the items on the table, his face brightens when he sees how pretty everything is) Shiny... (picks up a set of violet butterfly barrettes, drools over them)
Author: Are those the ones you want?
Raoul: (comes out of his trance) No!
Author: (starts trying to put the barrettes in his hair) Hold still!
Raoul: (still trying to run) You can't make me!
Author: Be still or face the consequences!
Raoul: (sounding like a five year old brat) What're you gonna do about it?
Author: Tell me Raoul, have you ever stood naked on the roof of the opera house in the middle of the winter with no way back down?
Raoul: You can't do that!
Author: I can do anything I want to. I just have to write it down.
(Raoul wisely decides to stop moving.)
Author: All right, time for you to get married. (she pulls him into a church and stands him by the altar) Wait here, you're bride-to-be should be out any second.
(Wedding march starts playing and out walks... Carlotta! Her face lights up at the sight of Raoul in a tutu and she licks her lips; trying unsuccessfully to be seductive.)
Raoul: (praying) Lord, I've never asked you for much... probably because I'm so rich... anyway, If you get me out of this I promise I'll become a monk... (starts crying again)
Carlotta: Ooh, don't you look positively scrumptious!
Raoul: (panics) No! I look terrible! Someone please tell her how terrible I look!
Christine: (sitting at the back of the church with Erik) Don't be so modest. You look very pretty. Doesn't he, Erik?
Erik: (laughing) As pretty as a picture.
Author: Can we get started, the priest is getting impatient.
Priest: (says the wedding service that I can't remember all of, so I'm not writing it in) If anyone here can show just cause why these two should not be...
Piangi: (behold, the mystery guest!) I know a reason! A very good reason! They can't be married because Carlotta loves me!
Author: (to Carlotta) Do you?
Carlotta: No, I love (in that weird voice people talk to babies with) my cute wittle Visy-wisycomtey-womtey.
Piangi: But you were going to marry me!
Raul: (hopefully) You don't really love me, do you?
(Before Carlotta can answer, the Author knocks Piangi out with a frying pan, then makes him disappear with a snap of her fingers)
Author: Proceed.
Priest: Very well. Carlotta, do you take...
Carlotta: I do!
Priest: And Raoul do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Raoul: (hesitates, Author jabs him with her elbow) Ow! (sadly) I do.
Priest: (says some more stuff I can't remember)... I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
Carlotta: (picks up Raoul and kisses him) Now for the honeymoon, my little cupcake.
Raoul: (screaming and crying) No! (sob) Please, not that! (hysterical sobbing is heard as Carlotta drags him out)
(Later, in the cheap hotel room the Author bought for them; Raoul, still in his tutu, is tied to the bed to prevent him from escaping. The bathroom door opens and Carlotta walks out wearing a very skimpy red negligee. Raoul looks ready to throw up.)
Raoul: Help! Somebody! Anybody! Heeeeelp meeeee!
Carlotta: Darling, at last we are alone! (runs across the room and jumps onto the bed, which collapses; don't worry, she's not hurt because Raoul broke her fall) Darling, are you all right? (sees that he is squashed flat) Oops, I did it again!
Author's notes: (cont'd) Sorry about the fact that Erik and Christine each only have one line, but this story wasn't really about them.